Re: Apathetic husband for too long...
I too have a totally apathetical husband. While I have read about the various reasons that might cause this including my own personality or ideas or behavior,as some have suggested, what I want to address now, is that finally, I too ,got tired of just nothingness in my marriage and my husband having NO spark for life at all, or time for me or our (now mostly adult but one underaged) children in the marriage and his always blaming me for everything, while doing next to nothing about anything, and FORCING me to, just like one poster described and just about as bad.
I did finally LOCK mine out of the house, (drastic but justified and won't go into it just now) as he just wasn't willing to "engage" and when asked about anything, went deaf mute and gave blank stares (disassociated his mind and self from being anything anyone could even relate to let alone communicate with) told me he wanted to be alone, and he made it so, sometimes being very nasty and then holed up in a vacant room (also long story) lay on the floor and did absolutely nothing days on end, and held court from the floor, with anyone that tried to speak to him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world for anyone to behave this way, or to get "sympathy".
This removal of the "dead" from the home solved nothing, as he is just as apathetical about the seperation. We agreed (meaning I would do it alone), or be excluded from his thoughts and cooperation, to partion and live seperate as we are in a state that has NO legal seperation but I found a loop hole around that and really did not want to divorice and lose ALL my benefits after sticking it out so long and making what I saw as many sacrifices to "earn" them, per the law.
Not going so well as in this too, he is full of apathy regarding the things we must decide in order for even this to work. Now he is out, but pushing it so I am STILL responsible to do his responsibilities financially to support his being there, rather than here...he only pays ONE of his own bills....gets nasty and threatens me with an ugly divorice and loss of everything if I don't "comply" so it appears I am still expected to nursemaid a man who doesn't even live here or else. My attorney no help as he thinks I should't "rock the boat" and thinks my husband should still be humored. URGGGGGG!
We are also "elderly" in our 50's and 60's. I was a SAHM, and he a workalcoholic. This was MY final attempt to wake him up to his depression, neg attitudes or whatever and the problems in the marriage, finance and home.
Naturally it is all my fault as I am " a nag". Of course the fact that this is his THIRD marriage hasn't given him a clue that HE might be the issue here. My first marriage, but I am the problem? HMMMMMMMMMMMM.
He refuses to admit, for all of our 35 years that his total lack of interest in life beyond work might just be the problem. Once he retired I had hoped for FINALLY having the time and money and no young children or adult childrens immediate needs to have a life with the man I fell in love with.
This "improvement" after a previously hellish existance of another Ten more years (after retirement) of nothing unless forced to do it, all these years later (the remainder of my young enough to start again years, not to mention my sexual prime of life, wasted gone poof!!!)
I realize NOW (ton of bricks I somehow overlooked?) how limited his scope of interest in anything NOT work is.
All the time, all the money but NONE of the interest in life, I had waited so long to share. Zip nothing.
I finally, made friends (wasn't allowed the time or support, all about the kids or he pouted like a big baby) pursued a hobby (requiring some travel) and tried not to whine too much, and just deal with the alone MORE.
He didn't like it and wanted me as miserable and isolated as he was, or worse said he LIKED it when I was gone, and therefore," what was the problem?"..the problem was he was lying to himself and me, otherwise why all the complaints about what I was doing and the people I was doing it with?
He refuses to admit this could be depression, his low esteem due to his sexual inabilities (all in his mind) and not something he would DO much about it and a that he LIKED a big zero there too.
I took the lead until I felt (gee) he was just going through the motions and was being robitic and not at all turned on like I had hoped "help aids" might incite. No zest there either, regarding things that I knew many YOUNG folks engaged in to "excite". Nope, this too was a chore.......This was hard and sickening to me to bear, as men of ALL ages were still showing me some interest.....and I had to pretend it was ME that was sooo uninteresting, and that I should or was somehow supposed to be ok settling with his robotic idea of "interest" or I got nothing and gee, he tried so hard excuses, and MORE blame how it must be me as he did it didn't he?.
I think I was ALWAYS just his excuse for a personality disorder that he refused to even THINK he had, and that he had had problems with this all his life, but his workalcoholism kept it covered.
My point, it is NOT you, nor your (our) responsibility, and these folks should be marked, so as to not wasted others time, until they "heal thyself".
Sorry so bitter, but just livid, I stayed this long with a man incapable of caring about anything at all in life but himself.
And oh, I think they marry to have a woman to hide behind as every idea he ever put forth as a solution was to expidite everything so he could go back to moping and self indulgence in his isolation. PERIOD