Apathetic husband for too long... - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 68 (permalink) Old 01-15-2012, 05:28 AM
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Re: Apathetic husband for too long...

I am female and have been in a depression for a few years. I don't think it is something one can just snap out of, especially when one is in denial or does not have insight into themselves.
I would tell your husband that you love him, confront him with another family member...someone he respects like your Dad or even a family friend and tell your husband that you will both need to seek counselling and if he does not attend the appointment, then you would like him to move out.
Tell him you want nothing more than to be close to him and to understand him and that you don't want the marriage to end, but you cannot stand seeing him like this anymore.
Go talk to his parents or other people who know him well to find out why he is so shut down. There is always a key or a clue and finding that clue could get him to open up.
Just really radically try and get his attention. Tell him it is not too late to feel well again. Tell him you will be there every step of the way and that you forgive him. Get in there and fight for him because mental illness, trauma and depression are really difficult to get out of. Once you find a key or a clue, contact counsellors and start going yourself....seek out books and information on what possibly might be going on with your husband and leave it for him to read if he won't talk. Let him know you are willing to work on this, but if he doesn't attend an appointment or agree to start talking, the marriage is over, but make sure you give him warnings about when you are going to have a talk and let him feel comfortable to be open with you because some men just totally shut down because they fear confrontation so deeply. Could be the reason why he doesn't want to take care of his parents? Maybe something there....? find out and good luck.

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post #62 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-21-2013, 09:44 PM
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Re: Apathetic husband for too long...

I too have a totally apathetical husband. While I have read about the various reasons that might cause this including my own personality or ideas or behavior,as some have suggested, what I want to address now, is that finally, I too ,got tired of just nothingness in my marriage and my husband having NO spark for life at all, or time for me or our (now mostly adult but one underaged) children in the marriage and his always blaming me for everything, while doing next to nothing about anything, and FORCING me to, just like one poster described and just about as bad.
I did finally LOCK mine out of the house, (drastic but justified and won't go into it just now) as he just wasn't willing to "engage" and when asked about anything, went deaf mute and gave blank stares (disassociated his mind and self from being anything anyone could even relate to let alone communicate with) told me he wanted to be alone, and he made it so, sometimes being very nasty and then holed up in a vacant room (also long story) lay on the floor and did absolutely nothing days on end, and held court from the floor, with anyone that tried to speak to him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world for anyone to behave this way, or to get "sympathy".
This removal of the "dead" from the home solved nothing, as he is just as apathetical about the seperation. We agreed (meaning I would do it alone), or be excluded from his thoughts and cooperation, to partion and live seperate as we are in a state that has NO legal seperation but I found a loop hole around that and really did not want to divorice and lose ALL my benefits after sticking it out so long and making what I saw as many sacrifices to "earn" them, per the law.
Not going so well as in this too, he is full of apathy regarding the things we must decide in order for even this to work. Now he is out, but pushing it so I am STILL responsible to do his responsibilities financially to support his being there, rather than here...he only pays ONE of his own bills....gets nasty and threatens me with an ugly divorice and loss of everything if I don't "comply" so it appears I am still expected to nursemaid a man who doesn't even live here or else. My attorney no help as he thinks I should't "rock the boat" and thinks my husband should still be humored. URGGGGGG!
We are also "elderly" in our 50's and 60's. I was a SAHM, and he a workalcoholic. This was MY final attempt to wake him up to his depression, neg attitudes or whatever and the problems in the marriage, finance and home.
Naturally it is all my fault as I am " a nag". Of course the fact that this is his THIRD marriage hasn't given him a clue that HE might be the issue here. My first marriage, but I am the problem? HMMMMMMMMMMMM.
He refuses to admit, for all of our 35 years that his total lack of interest in life beyond work might just be the problem. Once he retired I had hoped for FINALLY having the time and money and no young children or adult childrens immediate needs to have a life with the man I fell in love with.
This "improvement" after a previously hellish existance of another Ten more years (after retirement) of nothing unless forced to do it, all these years later (the remainder of my young enough to start again years, not to mention my sexual prime of life, wasted gone poof!!!)
I realize NOW (ton of bricks I somehow overlooked?) how limited his scope of interest in anything NOT work is.
All the time, all the money but NONE of the interest in life, I had waited so long to share. Zip nothing.
I finally, made friends (wasn't allowed the time or support, all about the kids or he pouted like a big baby) pursued a hobby (requiring some travel) and tried not to whine too much, and just deal with the alone MORE.
He didn't like it and wanted me as miserable and isolated as he was, or worse said he LIKED it when I was gone, and therefore," what was the problem?"..the problem was he was lying to himself and me, otherwise why all the complaints about what I was doing and the people I was doing it with?
He refuses to admit this could be depression, his low esteem due to his sexual inabilities (all in his mind) and not something he would DO much about it and a that he LIKED a big zero there too.
I took the lead until I felt (gee) he was just going through the motions and was being robitic and not at all turned on like I had hoped "help aids" might incite. No zest there either, regarding things that I knew many YOUNG folks engaged in to "excite". Nope, this too was a chore.......This was hard and sickening to me to bear, as men of ALL ages were still showing me some interest.....and I had to pretend it was ME that was sooo uninteresting, and that I should or was somehow supposed to be ok settling with his robotic idea of "interest" or I got nothing and gee, he tried so hard excuses, and MORE blame how it must be me as he did it didn't he?.
I think I was ALWAYS just his excuse for a personality disorder that he refused to even THINK he had, and that he had had problems with this all his life, but his workalcoholism kept it covered.
My point, it is NOT you, nor your (our) responsibility, and these folks should be marked, so as to not wasted others time, until they "heal thyself".
Sorry so bitter, but just livid, I stayed this long with a man incapable of caring about anything at all in life but himself.
And oh, I think they marry to have a woman to hide behind as every idea he ever put forth as a solution was to expidite everything so he could go back to moping and self indulgence in his isolation. PERIOD
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post #63 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-21-2013, 10:19 PM
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Re: Apathetic husband for too long...

One more sad note, he keeps saying and threatening divorice (manipulation) but is too lazy to even hire his OWN attorney, and is trying to use mine and his passive aggressive lazy, to make me do this on HIS terms with the lawyer I hired and durn it it appears MY lawyer (also elderly and kind) is helping him, not me.........I can't afford to start over with another and now am dealing with TWO apathetical old men........and am still and now legally (temp orders) responsible for Everything, and until divoriced I don't have a dime, and the debt is mounting the pension shrinking (due to husbands apathy to stop this financial wasted by neglegence on his part and I can't) while neither is doing anything about MY situation at all.
It seems I have to do the attornies job, and nag him as much as I did hubby to do do ANYTHING for me, or to represent or counsel me beyong telling me "not to rock the boat".
I am sooooo stuck, I really can hardly cope anymore and nagging BOTH men to ACT or earn their keep, has become a full time job........sorry I didn't just have an affair and think about me,,,,,,,,,,,if I didn't need to stay put, and keep on keeping on for my underaged (about to graduate) daughter I would have run run run....and not looked back years ago, and let him deal with it all.
It is simply not worth troubling yourself over. Our responsibilities to our children's stability, have us trapped, it seems for a life sentence of total misery...it isn't the money it is the freedom from his oppressive self I needed all along, but now it is too late to be anything but a idiot in misery.
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post #64 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-25-2013, 08:28 AM
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Re: Apathetic husband for too long...

OMG, these posts all ring so true, you are describing my H too.
I just started my own post so won't repeat but it hurts like hell yet there is some comfort is not being alone
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post #65 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:38 PM
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Unhappy Re: Apathetic husband for too long...

I have been married for 13 years, and my husband is definitely apathetic. I have tried EVERYTHING. I tried counseling for myself, then for him, and even for our marriage. We have had some good years, but all he does is work. He doesn't take any interest in my AT ALL. He stares at his computer screen, or fixates on YouTube/the internet, and has nothing to do with me in any way, shape or form. He will do things when I ask him to, but other than that, he has nothing to do with me. This morning, he was working in his office (he works from home), and he didn't even say good morning to me. I brought him lunch, and he said, "Oh. Thanks," and went back to working. It's like I am here to serve him food, and do his laundry. Other than that, I have no purpose. And he wonders why I'm not interested in sex. He thinks he can romance me in the 10 minutes we have before bed, at night, and it's not happening.
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post #66 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:15 PM
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Re: Apathetic husband for too long...

Sara, welcome to the TAM forum. You posted in a zombie thread from 2011. The OP (original poster) left five years ago and has not returned. If you would like feedback from other TAM members, I suggest you start your own new thread.
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post #67 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 07:49 AM
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Re: Apathetic husband for too long...

Quote:
Originally Posted by sara7venus View Post
I have been married for 13 years, and my husband is definitely apathetic. I have tried EVERYTHING. I tried counseling for myself, then for him, and even for our marriage. We have had some good years, but all he does is work. He doesn't take any interest in my AT ALL. He stares at his computer screen, or fixates on YouTube/the internet, and has nothing to do with me in any way, shape or form. He will do things when I ask him to, but other than that, he has nothing to do with me. This morning, he was working in his office (he works from home), and he didn't even say good morning to me. I brought him lunch, and he said, "Oh. Thanks," and went back to working. It's like I am here to serve him food, and do his laundry. Other than that, I have no purpose. And he wonders why I'm not interested in sex. He thinks he can romance me in the 10 minutes we have before bed, at night, and it's not happening.
If you start your own thread, I bet you'd get a lot of advice on your situation.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."
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post #68 of 68 (permalink) Old 03-29-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Apathetic husband for too long...

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Originally Posted by Avalon View Post
Trouble started 9 years ago when I quit my job that I hated and started working from home part time. I had full support from DH to do this. He USED TO BE a fun, loving, caring person and a great father. When I started staying home to work, he stopped parenting, stopped communicating with the kids, stopped being a part of their lives at all except for paying the bills. He became a workaholic and addicted to spending hours on the Internet (nothing illegal, just news and computer tech sorts of things). He stopped participating in life, basically.
I haven't read through the pages of responses yet, but here is my response to your initial text.

You placed you DH into a position where he was forced to give up his other interested in order to make the same amount of money for the family that you once had when you had worked outside of the home and presumable were making more money.

You forced him into a no win situation, and maybe he went along with it at first, like the story of the frog in the pot of boiling water. Men have significant pride tied up into supporting the family, he is literally killing himself to support the family while you threw in the towel to do whatever the hell you like, girls just wanna have fun, and all that UN-equality stuff that we can't talk about in polite conversation, but it's all good to preach about feminism and woman's rights.

So you'll take this poor mans kids away from him, the only reason he's been living. You'll vilify him around town and on future dates with men 10 years younger than you. He'll continue to kill himself to pay the alimony and child support. You'll see each other at family events occasionally and you'll act insufferable about it but always remember - That MAN enabled you and those kids to have a good life! He played by the rules that he knew, work hard to support the family financially. You took advantage of him by slacking off. He once loved you and invested his one life that God had given him into you for years, and you're going to do this to him? It honestly brings a tear to my eye thinking about this dudes situation, I was SOOOOO close to being trapped like he is!

The BIGGEST injustice is going to be sanctioned against this man at the family court building. They will assume (because they are too busy to dissect every case) that he was happy with you not making much money. His reward for working so hard to earn the same amount for the family will be the court forcing him to pay you an huge ransom every month so you can continue to do whatever the hell you like, due to the income difference. On that day, he will consider suicide multiple times... if he hasn't done it already, I see this is an old post. Please read this and pay your respects. https://www.facebook.com/Fathers4kid...829342580894:0

I'm absolutely sure that these 9 years have built up an insurmountable level of contempt and regret on his part. No need to try and salvage any feelings here.

Love is one thing (I personally am a big fan of loving one woman).... Marriage and children.... not so much.... and with overpopulation, why even do it?

I divorced my wife of 6 years (no kids!!!!). All she wanted to do was "work from home" too. Girls just wanna have fun, have fun paying them bills. I'm pretty sure her car is about to be repossessed any day now.

Last edited by 53791263; 03-29-2017 at 01:39 PM.
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