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Need Help- Wife Wants to go "Poly" but I don't

27K views 113 replies 48 participants last post by  Sammy64 
#1 ·
Hi everyone, I just found this forum and I hoping to find some good advice here to help me through a very troubling time.

I am 35 and my wife is 28. We have been together about 10 years and married for 7. She did not date anyone seriously before me and I only had 1 other relationship for about 2 years.

Last fall she went down to a Texas ranch to learn some training for her career. When she came back, she expressed interest in this idea I had never heard of before-- polyamory. It made me uncomfortable when I thought about with my brain as opposed to anything else. I was mortified at Thanksgiving dinner when my wife asked her parents what made a happy marriage and they discussed several things and then my wife says "... and an open marriage!" Her step mom and dad's eyes almost fell out of their eye sockets.

A couple months later she goes down again. She was very excited the first time when coming home but less so the second time.

Fast forward a month or two later. I am helping to remove viruses off my wife's computer when I stumble (maybe more subconsciously looking) across emails between my wife and the guy who ran the camp. My wife talks about kissing another girl in front of this guy for his amusement, to exchanging salacious emails and texts, to telling him that I "can't keep up with" my wife sexually, and that she has a crush on him. I confront my wife and she doesn't deny it but nevertheless kept it a secret. She says she was working with her counselor to figure out how to tell me. Although this guy talks about practicing "polyamory" he is actually still married but with a girlfriend and he cheated on his wife initially. He specifically states in one email that my wife should not tell me because I would probably tell the guy's girlfriend out of spite and get him in trouble.

Anyway, I never doubted my wife before this but I feel I cannot trust her now. Also, she is texting on her phone a lot more and her internet history shows visiting linkedin pages of people I don't know and she no longer keeps her email open. She also continues to discuss having an open marriage and is constantly reading books like "The New I Do" and other books supporting alternate marriage arrangements.

She has said that she feels "trapped" by me and wants to "travel the world" and become a traveling consultant and do "adventurous things" all the time. I feel like I am almost married to a single person again. We both work a lot but generally equal amounts. I am the one who is continually picking up after her, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn and doing all the things that need to get done.

She also said at one point that she wished when we were initially dating that she took a 6 month break so she could date other people. Aside from being hurtful at this point in the game, I think the idea is preposterous. Why look if you are already happy? I compared this idea to telling your employer to hold onto your job for 6 months while you tried out other jobs. No one would find that acceptable. Either you are happy and don't look or you are unhappy and you tell the person that.

I am not perfect and am working on myself. I also have a hard time sharing intimate details with anyone. Several years ago, I had communicated with other people on the internet... just talking about particular sexual interests and kinks that I was embarrassed to tell my wife. She found out and was hurt but this was never something I acted upon and it was not focused on the individual I was talking to but rather the idea or concept being discussed. We worked through it and I was able to be more open with her about what I needed and have not gone back to those forums.

I am a very logical person and need reasons so when my wife says she is trapped but can't offer reasons why, it is very frustrating. I really feel she is going down a road she will regret later. One day she suggested I talk to her dad since I am not emotionally close to my own father and I did. He agreed with me about his concern for her new interest and where that might lead. Then she accused me of "triangulating" with him after he shared with her how he didn't agree with her new idea and especially when he said she had been fed a "full plate of BS"

We are both seeing individual therapists this week and a couples counselor later this week. I will express my concerns there. I believe many things can be worked out but I am not okay with the idea of her sleeping with another man. She says it isn't about sex, especially because the two of us don't have enough. How will she make time for others when she can't for me? (She does say I am still #1 though, whatever that means in the context of polyamory)

I am pretty lost, confused and hurt here, so if you made it this far, thank you for reading and I appreciate any advice anyone can provide.
 
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#33 ·
QFT

Lawyer - as in get one yesterday
Separate finances - do it like last week
Look for happier days with a woman that will respect and love you
 
#3 ·
Your wife wants to cheat and live like a single person while maintaining the perks of marriage. She is just trying to call it something else. The fact that she brought it up in front of her parents, along with the e-mails you have found prove she is already cheating, now she is just trying to get you on board.

There is nothing to save just get out.
 
#4 ·
Let her go, man.

You have exactly one shot in keeping her and low odds of success -- letting her go. Without emotion, without breaking down, without sentimentalism. Just say "wife, you obviously need to go and explore life. Marriage is monogamous to me and you knew that going in. Sign the divorce papers and go."

But odds aren't good, and even if she does come back, consider that she may never have been really yours to begin with. You deserve to be with someone that's on the same page as you.
 
#7 ·
She's been with you since she was 18, and probably feels like she missed out on living the single life...like most do in their early 20's.

Or, you are married to a slore.

Regardless, she wants to be single, but still be married to you.

We call that a cake-eater.

Bandit is right. If you aren't ok with it, and her behavior continues, you'll have to divorce her. Then try to find someone who has similar values as yourself.
 
#8 ·
If you can't buy into the idea and she is committed to pursuing it, then there is really no option other than divorce. BUT ... This could also be just a passing obsession, which you may help her put behind her if you'll honestly and seriously discuss it with her, approaching it non-judgmentally. Many such ideas can be appealing in the abstract, but are far harder to handle in reality, and the pitfalls and practical problems can become readily apparent when closely examined. If she sees the problems and willing releases the idea, I think your marriage will be much stronger for having dealt with this together. Of course, if she can't or won't let it go, you will have tried and can decide what to do based on facts and what's best for you.
 
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#9 ·
Aside from being hurtful at this point in the game, I think the idea is preposterous. Why look if you are already happy? I compared this idea to telling your employer to hold onto your job for 6 months while you tried out other jobs. No one would find that acceptable.
This is brilliant!

You're absolutely right. NO ONE would find this acceptable. And you should not either. It may be time to toss this one back, file for divorce, move along.
 
#10 ·
Good evening
I have friends who are poly. It works for a very small percentage of people. Even the friends for whom it seemed to be working are now having serious marriage problems, will probably lead to divorce.

I have no moral objections to polyamory, but I think that it very often ends badly - and that is in cases where both partners agree.

The OP is not interested in a poly relationship. That is absolutely his right. Marriage is assumed monogamous unless otherwise agreed. It is completely reasonable for him to insist on monogamy or divorce.
 
#15 ·
Good evening
I have friends who are poly. It works for a very small percentage of people. Even the friends for whom it seemed to be working are now having serious marriage problems, will probably lead to divorce.

I have no moral objections to polyamory, but I think that it very often ends badly - and that is in cases where both partners agree.
Also, pay attention to this.

I have only known a few "open" relationships, but every single one goes down in flames of emotional turmoil and far too often clear emotional abuse.
 
#12 ·
I believe many things can be worked out but I am not okay with the idea of her sleeping with another man.
There is a very high probability that this has already occurred. Which explains her desire for an open marriage and her hiding of emails/social media/internet activity.

Oh, and her statement that it's not about the sex is BS. The entire idea of an open marriage is having sex with someone who is not your spouse.
 
#16 ·
Leave her and don't let her get you into that lifestyle/world if it is not for you. This is not a compromise issue or small matter that you can work through via counseling. I know from personal experience!

In my first serious relationship-- I was 20 and she was 18-- we were great for each other for years. When she hit 26 she said she never got to explore and wanted an open relationship. I struggled to understand and almost went for it, but ultimately refused. After one year of fights, she cheated and I left the relationship. I wish I left the moment she tried pushing polyamorous relationship ideas on me…

if some couples want that arrangement, then fine. People should be free to live their lives. However, relationships involve two people and if one person is pushed into a lifestyle that they are uncomfortable with and not willing to embrace, why stay in that relationship.

You are 35. Young still. Leave and find a woman who wants just YOU as her exclusive man and doesn’t see you as just a sexual object.
 
#17 ·
She is in the romantic stage of love, the obsessive state where everything about her feelings towards the other man is magical.

It is up to you to uphold your boundaries or not. You do not control her choice but you do have control over what you can live and live without. Whatever choices you make, you have to live with the consequences of those choices whether good or not.

But whatever you do decide, make sure that a fulfilling life is not just predicated on one person, that will cause a level of dependence. With that, there is a fear of separation and it keeps one miserable because they cannot instill any boundaries.

What I learned from an open relationship, it can complicate matters and sometimes the focus can be shifted to one side. Love is not an egalitarian system , but it is up to you if you can live without producing the same levels of romance, lust, and love as another person. You might provide one more than the other but if you want to be number one, it is no guarantee. I can tell you both success and failed stories, but there are so many variables. One marriage I knew failed because the wife fell for another so hard that she divorced her husband, and is now happier with the new person. She simply gets more positive biological reactions. I know of an older couple in their forties that made an open relationship last for over twenty years and are still in the romantic stage of love. They indulge in other partners on occasions for fun but their marriage can be strong without it as well. It is really a risk that you want to take or not.

Anyways, what she is doing is cheating on you. She went against the parameters of what the two of you established.

She showed a lack of boundaries, honesty, and a lack of open communication.

I suggest you detach for the moment and get your life under control as a start. Someone needs to focus on your well-being, and your wife is not the person to do that at the moment, so place your energy into you .

If you know you cannot get into this lifestyle, then leave and heal. Prolonging it will only drag the pain on, not help you heal. Cut your losses and stop investing in this relationship, it is no longer worth the investment if you are going to be miserable. It is better to be miserable at the moment and start healing then be miserable and prolong it because you are afraid of letting go.
 
#18 ·
Well she is already cheating and walking all over you.

You cool with betrayal?

Read up on the 180 and disconnect totally from her. Talk to a lawyer and get your legal and financial ducks in a row.

Then have her served papers at work.

Allow her family and yours to know you are divorcing her for cheating on you.

She might snap out of it at that point.

She needs to know that worshipping her crotch really will cost her everything else.

She needs to have reality slap her hard to see that she can't have you and everything you two have built as well as some f buddies on the side.
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#19 ·
Here is the 180. It is to help you detach.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.
 
#20 ·
What's funny is that the dude that is trying to seduce her into the poly lifestyle is married, has a girlfriend, and both of them are in the dark about your wife.

If she's that open about everything, poly rule #1 is that everybody signs up for the deal, openly and willingly.

Meaning, if she's not a hypocrite she should be blowing this thing wide open.
 
#21 ·
Yes, she STILL does not want to tell the girlfriend (who the guy just had a baby with) about his advances. I personally think that is wrong to the new mom seeing she thinks her boyfriend is with her only.

Plus that is why he didn't want me to know about it (stated specifically in his emails to my wife)-- because I probably would tell the other woman. I haven't simply because I am not a spiteful person but to me all of this just indicates how wrong it is.

That being said, I have no evidence of her continuing to talk with this particular guy after we agreed she would cease communication with him. Though the idea of polyamory still persists and is brought up.

I should add the guy was totally playing her-- telling her how he would help fund a place of her own like his place, supporting her in her work, etc. I think my wife bought into that whole thing hook, line and sinker.

Thanks everyone for all the replies. It seems like most people are saying if she is adamant on being poly and I am not, divorce might be the best option.
 
#22 ·
I know one couple that does this. They've been married a long time and the husband's thing is to watch his wife with other men, and she likes it well enough.

They seem to be happy but have told me they don't get involved with younger people because they feel younger people aren't mature enough to understand what they're getting into.....they area little older and prefer people their age. I'm told it only really works when the marriage is strong and both parties are all in, and even then not always.

I know someone else whose husband suggested it and she said no. She walked around resentful for a number of years until she met someone she wanted, then broached the idea to him. He was on board until he realized she had someone lined up but he didn't.....apparently he'd only thought about how he'd get to fvck other women but not about how much easier it would be for his wife to find someone. They ended up scrapping the idea after she had an affair with said guy.....she confessed and they worked it out. I guess they're doing ok now, they've also been married a long time. I have no idea if he's been faithful to her.

I told my husband about both and he said half jokingly if I had any such ideas I might as well get rid of them now, which was fine because I have no interest. I can't imagine this works all that often.

Marriedbuthappy could be right in that it might be a passing thing, so maybe you want to nix the idea and give it a little while to see if it passes. If not you may have to make tougher decisions.
 
#23 ·
Run.

She has told you what she wants. BELIEVE HER.

I don't personally understand how anyone could be okay with this...but some are. You do not sound like one of those people.

Your young. Move on. If she changes her tune, she can try to win you back. If she doesn't, you find yourself a great new woman (there are more good ones than bad ones)...thats a win for you either way.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#25 ·
Hey Dan,

The key is to stick to your principles. You can listen to your wife's feelings and wishes but respect yourself.

Because in the end if she continues to act on these feelings of hers she is going to get burned.

And if you agree to this poly relationship and it blows up then it will be all your fault and she will lose respect for you. Even though it was her choice.

I agree if she continues to push that you show her the door.

Are you sure they have not had sex yet? Or that your wife did not have sex with the other woman down there?

Can you tell us what kind of job your wife has that requires training with a bunch of overactive sexual freaks????

HM
 
#28 ·
Thanks. While I am not 100% certain that him/her or her/her did not have sex, my wife has denied it. I think most of it was an "emotional affair." I even said I just want to know the truth so I can get tested since who knows what the guy has based off his track record.

I would love to share more about the job or place but that would potentially be too identifying. I hope that makes sense and it certainly is not to protect the guy.

I am glad we are going to couples therapy as the last few days have been stressful. She told me today she wants to go clubbing and travel to the Amazon and to Africa!

I am not sure if we should be distancing ourselves at home (such as sleeping in the same bed or not) because if I try to reconnect more it will make the actual separation (if that occurs) more painful. But if I don't, then it is almost a self fulfilling prophecy.
 
#26 ·
By the way we can send Bandit to the Texas facility where all this crap is going on to infiltrate this group while your wife is there.

Then he can release his super poisonous "Gumbo" recipe on them.

After that your wife will never go back to Texas!!!!

And your problems will be solved.

:grin2:
 
#30 ·
I should have added that she now routinely uses the fact I went on Internet forums as a defense. She says her having an emotional affair over text, email and phone with someone she has met in person is equal to what I did going onto forums to talk about things I was embarrassed to share. I am not proud of what I did but this was something we had worked through when it happened and I thought we were beyond it. Besides, I never knew the actual names of the people let alone met them in real life (and it was both men and women that posted and chatted on the forum). Am I wrong for thinking her actions were "worse"? and for that matter I don't even think there is a point compare the two actions. I don't know... just confused right now.
 
#32 ·
She is changing the subject on you.
The reason it is confusing is because she isn't making any sense. First she says that what you did was wrong. Then she says that this is no different than what you did and therefore okay. So how she did that? It's a tactic she is using to confuse you purposefully and to escape responsibility for what she is doing wrong.
 
#35 · (Edited)
You remember when she went down to Texas the first time? That's when she rolled this guys ashes because she was out of your sight! Truth be told, if you dig around deep enough, I'd wager Dalmatians to donuts that she hooked up with this charlatan somewhere online and made a nice long trip down South to see him for a week long penile massage!

Start doing "the 180" on her skanky a$$ and get yourself immediately checked out for the presence of STD's! Whenever you come across dialogue to the extent that this "dipstick" is telling her to keep it quiet and not tell you because you might inform his old lady ~ well that just makes me think that it's maybe just not her ashes that getting rolled ~ I'd bet that she's been in a week long ménage-a-trios with him and just about anybody else, male or female, who's taken time to drop their drawers!

And she's flat-out "trickle-truthed" you to death, hoping that maybe you were actually buying into some of it, or at least enough of it to permit her to continue! Trust me, my friend: you are her "Plan B" ~ and when it's Plan A time, she'll leave you like a bad habit, and with absolutely no equivocation or aforethought! You'll largely be nothing more than yesterday's news!

So what are you going to do after you see your doctor? Get to your lawyer's office and rid yourself of that scourge! Sad to say, but the only one who is being fooled here is you! You deserve far better than what she's giving you ~ as it greatly seems that she's busy enough giving it to everybody else!

Posted via Mobile Device
 
#37 ·
In this circumstance there's no way I'd believe she hasn't cheated. If she brought up the poly lifestyle gradually, it's likely she was missing something. In this case, it's a sh!tty way to try to get retroactive permission. Notice the heavy level of mindfvck.

If you let yourself be talked into it, you'd better enjoy watching her with other men. She'll have a far easier time getting partners than you will, it's a simple fact of biology and attraction.

My advice

1) separate finances
2) lawyer up
3) file for D, have her served at work
4) expose to family and close friends of hers
5) expose OM to his gf and W. Not out of spite, but to help his open relationship actually be open. And shove him away.
6) do the above as close together as possible with no warning.
7) D takes time, if she meets your conditions you can back off.

Investigate. Check out @weightlifter 's standard evidence post. She is lying and will continue even when it's obvious.

Really consider not taking her back if you have no kids. She's not wife material.
 
#39 ·
Your wife is full of sh##. She went to Texas, got exposed and participated in sexual situations, that has her hot and horny. Then, some cheating azzwipe sold her a story about being poly with him and his gf. While his poor young mother wife is at home and be thinking how wonderful her life is. What is poly about this? This is cheating.

Poly is when everyone is open about their arrangement. No one is in the dark. Everyone is in agreement. Everyone knows what the boundaries and expectations are.

Your wife needs a serious talk to. Let her know you are not into this kind of lifestyle and she either accepts it or divorce her azz.

Don't let her guilt you into anything. Unless you want it and then you get equal access to all the women in the poly too. Share and share equal.

Another thing, stop doing every damn thing in the house. You are not her maid or mum. Let her take care of her mess. That's what being an adult is. And don't beg her as not to do this.

Take pride in being the man. You married young, so what? This is the time to enjoy being together and build a solid foundation that you will need later, when the kids come.

Start doing stuff by yourself, don't wait for her. Hell, go skydiving or something. Go to Costa Rica. Just do something outside your comfort zone. Show her the man you are.

Soon, she will worry about what is going on with you. Find your alpha baby! ( that's what my daughter said, she is quite smart about these things)
 
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