Hi everyone, I just found this forum and I hoping to find some good advice here to help me through a very troubling time.
I am 35 and my wife is 28. We have been together about 10 years and married for 7. She did not date anyone seriously before me and I only had 1 other relationship for about 2 years.
Last fall she went down to a Texas ranch to learn some training for her career. When she came back, she expressed interest in this idea I had never heard of before-- polyamory. It made me uncomfortable when I thought about with my brain as opposed to anything else. I was mortified at Thanksgiving dinner when my wife asked her parents what made a happy marriage and they discussed several things and then my wife says "... and an open marriage!" Her step mom and dad's eyes almost fell out of their eye sockets.
A couple months later she goes down again. She was very excited the first time when coming home but less so the second time.
Fast forward a month or two later. I am helping to remove viruses off my wife's computer when I stumble (maybe more subconsciously looking) across emails between my wife and the guy who ran the camp. My wife talks about kissing another girl in front of this guy for his amusement, to exchanging salacious emails and texts, to telling him that I "can't keep up with" my wife sexually, and that she has a crush on him. I confront my wife and she doesn't deny it but nevertheless kept it a secret. She says she was working with her counselor to figure out how to tell me. Although this guy talks about practicing "polyamory" he is actually still married but with a girlfriend and he cheated on his wife initially. He specifically states in one email that my wife should not tell me because I would probably tell the guy's girlfriend out of spite and get him in trouble.
Anyway, I never doubted my wife before this but I feel I cannot trust her now. Also, she is texting on her phone a lot more and her internet history shows visiting linkedin pages of people I don't know and she no longer keeps her email open. She also continues to discuss having an open marriage and is constantly reading books like "The New I Do" and other books supporting alternate marriage arrangements.
She has said that she feels "trapped" by me and wants to "travel the world" and become a traveling consultant and do "adventurous things" all the time. I feel like I am almost married to a single person again. We both work a lot but generally equal amounts. I am the one who is continually picking up after her, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn and doing all the things that need to get done.
She also said at one point that she wished when we were initially dating that she took a 6 month break so she could date other people. Aside from being hurtful at this point in the game, I think the idea is preposterous. Why look if you are already happy? I compared this idea to telling your employer to hold onto your job for 6 months while you tried out other jobs. No one would find that acceptable. Either you are happy and don't look or you are unhappy and you tell the person that.
I am not perfect and am working on myself. I also have a hard time sharing intimate details with anyone. Several years ago, I had communicated with other people on the internet... just talking about particular sexual interests and kinks that I was embarrassed to tell my wife. She found out and was hurt but this was never something I acted upon and it was not focused on the individual I was talking to but rather the idea or concept being discussed. We worked through it and I was able to be more open with her about what I needed and have not gone back to those forums.
I am a very logical person and need reasons so when my wife says she is trapped but can't offer reasons why, it is very frustrating. I really feel she is going down a road she will regret later. One day she suggested I talk to her dad since I am not emotionally close to my own father and I did. He agreed with me about his concern for her new interest and where that might lead. Then she accused me of "triangulating" with him after he shared with her how he didn't agree with her new idea and especially when he said she had been fed a "full plate of BS"
We are both seeing individual therapists this week and a couples counselor later this week. I will express my concerns there. I believe many things can be worked out but I am not okay with the idea of her sleeping with another man. She says it isn't about sex, especially because the two of us don't have enough. How will she make time for others when she can't for me? (She does say I am still #1 though, whatever that means in the context of polyamory)
I am pretty lost, confused and hurt here, so if you made it this far, thank you for reading and I appreciate any advice anyone can provide.
I am 35 and my wife is 28. We have been together about 10 years and married for 7. She did not date anyone seriously before me and I only had 1 other relationship for about 2 years.
Last fall she went down to a Texas ranch to learn some training for her career. When she came back, she expressed interest in this idea I had never heard of before-- polyamory. It made me uncomfortable when I thought about with my brain as opposed to anything else. I was mortified at Thanksgiving dinner when my wife asked her parents what made a happy marriage and they discussed several things and then my wife says "... and an open marriage!" Her step mom and dad's eyes almost fell out of their eye sockets.
A couple months later she goes down again. She was very excited the first time when coming home but less so the second time.
Fast forward a month or two later. I am helping to remove viruses off my wife's computer when I stumble (maybe more subconsciously looking) across emails between my wife and the guy who ran the camp. My wife talks about kissing another girl in front of this guy for his amusement, to exchanging salacious emails and texts, to telling him that I "can't keep up with" my wife sexually, and that she has a crush on him. I confront my wife and she doesn't deny it but nevertheless kept it a secret. She says she was working with her counselor to figure out how to tell me. Although this guy talks about practicing "polyamory" he is actually still married but with a girlfriend and he cheated on his wife initially. He specifically states in one email that my wife should not tell me because I would probably tell the guy's girlfriend out of spite and get him in trouble.
Anyway, I never doubted my wife before this but I feel I cannot trust her now. Also, she is texting on her phone a lot more and her internet history shows visiting linkedin pages of people I don't know and she no longer keeps her email open. She also continues to discuss having an open marriage and is constantly reading books like "The New I Do" and other books supporting alternate marriage arrangements.
She has said that she feels "trapped" by me and wants to "travel the world" and become a traveling consultant and do "adventurous things" all the time. I feel like I am almost married to a single person again. We both work a lot but generally equal amounts. I am the one who is continually picking up after her, cleaning the house, mowing the lawn and doing all the things that need to get done.
She also said at one point that she wished when we were initially dating that she took a 6 month break so she could date other people. Aside from being hurtful at this point in the game, I think the idea is preposterous. Why look if you are already happy? I compared this idea to telling your employer to hold onto your job for 6 months while you tried out other jobs. No one would find that acceptable. Either you are happy and don't look or you are unhappy and you tell the person that.
I am not perfect and am working on myself. I also have a hard time sharing intimate details with anyone. Several years ago, I had communicated with other people on the internet... just talking about particular sexual interests and kinks that I was embarrassed to tell my wife. She found out and was hurt but this was never something I acted upon and it was not focused on the individual I was talking to but rather the idea or concept being discussed. We worked through it and I was able to be more open with her about what I needed and have not gone back to those forums.
I am a very logical person and need reasons so when my wife says she is trapped but can't offer reasons why, it is very frustrating. I really feel she is going down a road she will regret later. One day she suggested I talk to her dad since I am not emotionally close to my own father and I did. He agreed with me about his concern for her new interest and where that might lead. Then she accused me of "triangulating" with him after he shared with her how he didn't agree with her new idea and especially when he said she had been fed a "full plate of BS"
We are both seeing individual therapists this week and a couples counselor later this week. I will express my concerns there. I believe many things can be worked out but I am not okay with the idea of her sleeping with another man. She says it isn't about sex, especially because the two of us don't have enough. How will she make time for others when she can't for me? (She does say I am still #1 though, whatever that means in the context of polyamory)
I am pretty lost, confused and hurt here, so if you made it this far, thank you for reading and I appreciate any advice anyone can provide.