how do i deal? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-07-2011, 11:28 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy how do i deal?

I've been married for 10 years to my only boyfriend. Most of the time I feel like we are the model couple. Other times I don't know if we are that great. I feel like I have to be perfect for us to work and I've had to let go of ways he's hurt me to move forward but I know he wouldn't do the same if it was the other way around. He has been acting very sneaky and shady lately and I'm stressing out over it. I've never caught him cheating on me but there has been a few situations where it looked like he was. These situations have always been when we are apart due to him being in the military. There is always some suspicious behavior EVERYTIME we have been apart. He is going on deployment soon and it frightens me. I worry that on top of being apart and playing the single mom role while he's away the usual shadiness is going to start again. I feel like he has been hiding things and lying and he hasn't left yet. Lately he has been going out alot more with his friends from work and since he hardly ever goes out I don't mind. He recently told me the crew from work wanted to get together for a midnight showing of the new blockbuster and asked if I would be okay with him going. I agreed thinking it was his typical work buddies but 10 min before he left he specified that the whole crew his friends and the girls from his job were going. This I did not like not because the girls from his job were going but because he is very jealous and would be furious if I even considered going to the movies with men i worked with even in a group setting. I already agreed to let him go so he went even though I told him I was a little bothered by him going. The next day he tells me only one girl from work went and it was the girl the guys don't really like except for him ofcorse. I thought it was weird that a married women with a new baby would be going to the movies with a group of men that don't socialize with her out of work but he insisted the other girls backed out last minute so I let it go. Fast forward a few weeks and while we are laying he got a txt from a girl he works with because there was an emergency in her family her dad had a heart attack and she was asking for leave to go home and see him. I feel bad for the women and he starts to tell me about her situation and how he is not her supervisor to grant her leave and that she needed to contact the other supervisor. The next two days he is glued to his phone and talking about how bad he feels about her and he wonders if her supervisor is checking in with her. This coming from a man that only calls his mother on holidays so I found his worry out of character. Then I find out its the girl from the movie night. Day two he is still glued to his phone. I start feeling sick to my stomach. He has only a few weeks before he leaves and he is so preoccupied with his phone. So I did something I hate myself for doing but i go through his txt usage and see that every txt the last three days are with this same number and guess whose number I'm trying not to think the worst so i go through hoping all the txt are because of her family emergency but when I get to the night of the movie all the txt from that day are to this same number. The last one right before he left home to meet the "crew" at the movies. I was going crazy thinking about how fishy it looked and him leaving and the shadiness that always seems to come around deployment time. I try to calm myself because I know angry we will only start fighting and he won't hear me out, but I can't hide something is wrong when he calls me on the way home from work. So he starts asking what's the problem. I tell him we need to talk but later when we are face to face and I'm not so wound up. He keeps pushing the issue and I go off. Not what i wanted to do because I knew we wouldn't get anywhere and he would just get defensive. Needless to say it was a crapy night In the morning I feel so bad for attacking him and I we didn't bring it up. The tension was ruff and I knew we had 2 talk it out to get passed it. I decided to take the first step and txt him an apology about going off in anger instead of just explaining calmly how i felt. I told him that I knew I overreacted with the txt situation and how I've been stressed about him leaving and that i should have just told him how I felt before it was at its boiling point. I ended the txt with another apology about the fight and a request to speak it out when he was ready. The txt I got from him wasn't so civil. He said I was messing up the time he had left and that I'm "stalking" his stuff for no reason and that he "deletes txt and phone calls to save face" but he isn't doing anything wrong for me to question him and he doesn't want it brought up ever again. That if I wanted to see something wrong I would and its all in my head. Now I'm more upset than before. How can he tell me he "deletes txt and calls to save face" but the shady stuff is in my head! I've never gone through his things or asked him 21 questions when he gets home. When things came up in the past I've taken his word that it wasn't what it looked like. He actually talks about how I'm the least difficult wife he knows. So why the need to delete stuff to "save face"? Now I feel like I should have been more suspicious. I really thought I was just being insecure because of him going away and that when we talked it out he would take that anxiety away. Now its like what are you hiding? Then he wants to txt me asking if we're good so he can enjoy his time left. In other words get over it so we can be a happy family. I wanted to put this behind us so I could enjoy him before he heads out but his reply to my txt just put more doubts in my mind and he refuses to talk it out. What do I do What do I think? I feel disgusted! I know I wont get anywhere fighting but I can't be affectionate when I feel like this. Now he is being rude and mean because I'm not back to lovey dovey with him like its all my fault. help anyone! Whats my next step? I'm really hurt and unhappy.

Last edited by trying4forever; 07-08-2011 at 01:12 AM.
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-07-2011, 11:58 PM
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Re: how do i deal?

You are being walked all over. He is treating you like a doormat.

Why on earth would apologize for being angry or your reaction to his cheating (and yes it was cheating, at the very least extremely inappropriate). When you apologize he feels justified in his actions. he's making you into the bad guy, he's twisting things so you feel like you are the one messing up. His behavaiour is not compatable with that of a married committed man who cares for and values his wife.

He's angry and he's blame shifting.

I think you need to put your foot down and let him know that his behaviour won't be tolerated. That you guys need marital counseling and if you so much as get a wiff that he is being unfaithful in way, that means flirting, emotionally etc that you will leave him. but you have to mean it, because so far all you have taught im is that he can do what he likes with little consequence and you will even apologize to him.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 12:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: how do i deal?

I agree. Thats how I see it when I look at it too. I really believe in my commitment and I want to make it work. I got married at 16 and alot of the problems where in those early years so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured we were just young and still figuring marriage life out. he hasn't given me any reason to suspect anything like this since his last deployment 5 years ago so I thought we were finally getting it right. Thats until these last 2 months and and his oh so familiar shadiness that I thought was gone 5 years back returned. Thanks for your advise. I know thats what I need to do but it helps to hear it from someone else.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 07-08-2011, 01:10 AM
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Re: how do i deal?

He is most definately involved with her, in same way. He is just trying to 'normalise' it. You want to believe him, (aswe all do), so try to give him the benefit of the doubt. My husband has blatantly lied to me agin, and yet again I wanted tobelieve him, but again he was guilty. I have now kicked him out.

Can you do marriage counselling before he gets deployed, how long before he goes, and how is he away. it will be awful if he goes with unanswered questions. On the other hand many of us, myself included have many unanswered question. I have been doing minimal contact for 8 weeks, just to look after myself. Husband refused MC.

Do you get support fromthe military forthings like this?

Anyhow,I think you must tackle this, it cannot just be forgotten. Take care, let us know.
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