She loves me but not in love

1ofeach · 11-06-2008, 05:50 AM

My wife of 10 years (two children 6 & 2) has filed for separation ( two weeks ago) We are still in the same house ( I am working 3rd shift so we only see each other maybe an hour and a half) and when we are together we sit on the couch and hug and kiss. She has told me that she is more on the side of divorce but is trying to keep open to us getting back together. The, I love you but I am not in love with you line has been said, but she has also said that I am still the one she knows will always be there for her. I have messed up the finances and have been controlling. She believes that I can not change because I have this way for a log time. The hardest thing is that she is talking with a guy from work on the phone; she has told me that noting is going on and that if she were to do anything that she would tell me that we are over before she did. I am in counseling and do need to change some things no matter what happens between us and have let her know that and I have also told her that I will not give up on us, that maybe we do need some space so that I can work on myself and she could work on herself and that when we get back together we can be stronger then ever. Lately I have tried to let her have her space by not saying anything if she wants to go out of town with her girlfriend to go shopping or out for the night and letting her call me which she does at least once a day. She said she wants to date me because she still does enjoy our time together. I’m confused and struggling with the mixed messages because she states that when she wants to hug and kiss me it’s her heart and when she wants to be away it’s her head. She has always been very strong headed and when she gets something in her mind it’s hard to change. Am I doing the right things?

Amplexor · 11-06-2008, 09:16 AM

Give her as much space as she needs in spending time with her girl friends shopping and such. She needs the time. It shows that you can be caring and uncontrolling. The guy at work is a potential problem. She may be involved in an emotional affair and is not even aware of it. An emotional affair can be very damaging and it would be best for you as a couple for her to cut off all non business communications with him. This is a difficult subject to broach but should be addressed. Don’t be accusatory towards her or him, just concerned. It is likely that this relationship may have pulled her away to some degree already. There are positives here in that she wants to spend time and hug and kiss. She recognizes you as the man that will be there for her in the future. You are willing to change for the betterment of yourself and the marriage. Show her you are serious more with your actions then words. Get your finances under control and work with her to do that. Do not separate if you can help it. It rarely makes things better. Good luck.

magicsunset08 · 11-06-2008, 09:26 AM

Truth...the guy at work is probably the reason that the "in love" is not there. There is/was a void in your relationship that allowed another to fill it. In agreement with amplexor. He is a potential problem. Here's the catch....If you confront her and give her an ultimatum about him... she will flee as quick as she can. Let her go, fix yourself. Prove to YOURSELF, that you are worthy of change if YOU desire to. Then, you will make yourself more attractive to her and she will fall "in love" all over again. As far as the whole huggy kissie thing, that may be her security blanket to test to see if you will stick with her. This is very dangerous in my opinion. There is a fine line between showing her love and being a pushover. You may try saying; "I love kissing you and desire you more than ever, but I just can't kiss/make love to you right now with so many un-certainties in our relationship." This shows you love her and desire her, with also standing up for yourself.

I am speaking from experience and making similar mistakes. Good luck.

1ofeach · 11-07-2008, 12:51 AM

Thanks for the reply. I have confronted my wife about the guy at work and she has told me that she started talking to him after we started having our problem and that the reason that she talks to him is that he has some of the same issues. I told her that I think that he has other ideas and she told me that if he tried something that the relationship would be over. Over the last couple of days she seems to be more loving to me and calling at odd times that she didn't before (like while i'm at work just to say goodnight). I am tring to trust that she is telling me the truth. I'm looking forward to a weekend away myself just me and my camera. I want her to know that I do still need to do things for myself as well.

CPT CONFUSED · 11-07-2008, 07:30 AM

not to sound harsh my friend but i would be really concered with what the intentions our of this other guy take it from someone that is going through it i would be very carefull of the time your wife spernds or is spending with him and find out what it is your wife sees in this gentelman that she doesnt see in you and make sure you change it quick! before it gets out of hand read my post and youll understand just what im talking about may god be with you and good luck!

CPT

Amplexor · 11-07-2008, 07:37 AM

Two people with common marital problems often form a bond that can grow into something more without either of them realizing what is happening. She may not be looking for anything other than friendship. He may not either but feelings can grow. Improve your marriage and likely her relationship with him will dwindle. If you don’t it may grow. Be cautious

CPT CONFUSED · 11-07-2008, 07:43 AM

mommy22 · 11-07-2008, 09:09 AM

I couldn't agree more with the last two posts. Both Amp and CPT are right. It happened with me. It started small and escalated so fast. I was in a state of confusion and felt like I was losing my mind. Stay vigilant. If she could find a girlfriend in which to confide, it would be much better. Women like to think men have good intentions in situations like this. There are some that do, but we also know that there are those who will put up a "friendship" front to get to what they really want. This guy could really be pulling the wool over her eyes. My husband tried to convince me of this with men and I just wanted to see the best in everyone. I thought he was just being jealous.

What solutions or advice is he giving her?

1ofeach · 11-10-2008, 05:05 AM

I'm back from my weekend trip. When I got home she asked me if everything was alright and I asked her how she could even think that it was. I keep a calm voice and told her that it seems that every time we get some distance that she seems to pull futher away. I said to her that I don't even know if she knows it but that she was having a EA and that as long as she had someone else to confide in that we would probaly never be able to mend things. I also told her that her vison of us being alot like we are now (us hanging out,me working on the house and doing faimly things together) was not going to happen if we truly got fully seperated or divoriced, that it would hurt me to much to be around her. She started cring and stated that she can not let go emotionaly that she needs me to be there for her and once again stated that she is tring to keep open about us but her mind tells her that I can not change and that she needs to move on. I think in some ways I need to show her what it would like but it's hard to let go myself.