How to begin the separation process? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-13-2011, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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How to begin the separation process?

Hello all,

I need advice on how one begins the separation process. I am a 34 year old woman, married to my one and only ever husband since I was 18 and my husband was 20. We have 4 children together ages, 15, 10, 9, and 4.

I won't bore you with the details but, basically we got married too young and for all of the wrong reasons. Over the years, despite our problems and differences, I've come to love and appreciate my husband, but we are not really meant to be together. Our core values over the raising of the kids, husband-wife roles, sex, and the huge one MONEY and the lack of it seems to be whittling away any sort of caring and decency toward each other. My husband has mentioned that if it were not for the kids, he would leave me. Last summer he bought a motorcyle against my wishes, and quite frankly he would rather ride the motorcycle than be with me. We have big money problems as in debt and cash flow problems and we are always fighting about the bills: who pays what, how little money I've brought in over the years, etc. how he'd be further ahead if it weren't for me...and the fact that he's only here because the kids would be on the street without him.

Anyway, I've had about all I can take of the emotional and mental put-downs and I need to get out. I don't know what my first steps should be. I don't think I can ask him to leave because 1. This is his house, even though we're married and my name is on it, he pays the mortgage. 2. Even if he did leave I couldn't carry the bills on my own. He always mentions how I've never had to stand on my own two feet and that if I had to then I wouldn't survive. Or he'll say when I'm by myself and on my own then I know what it's like.

I do have parents near by who have 2 spare bedrooms, but I am VERY hesistant about moving there as I my kids wouldn't feel comfortable there and wouldn't regard it as home. They wouldn't understand why we'd be there and would just be bugging me to go home. I could leave by myself without them, but that wouldn't be right as a mother to do that. I feel so stuck and its this stuck feeling that has kept me here all these years.

I have mainly been a stay-at-home mom over the years and therefore had no monetary contribution to the home. I recently took a course to become a nurse-aid and have begun working a bit casually and bringing in a little income (not enough according to my husband).

I just need a plan and some help on how to think this through. I don't know if we are getting a divorce but, I do believe a separation is in order. We both need to figure out what we need to do. He is probably right when he says I need to learn how to stand on my own.

Please advise - I'm grateful for any comments. Thanks.

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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 07-13-2011, 04:39 PM
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Re: How to begin the separation process?

Step 1: find a family law attorney who will give you a free consultation.

Step 2: find out what training you can get through the local YMCA/YWCA or local county- or state-run employment development agency.

Step 3: get a part-time job, if possible

Step 4: move in with your parents, if need be. If the kids don't like it, tough. I'm not saying that in a cruel way, because I love children and their welfare is very important. HOWEVER, if they just don't like it at grandma's house because it smells "old" or her pot roast is crummy, they'll get over it.

I don't know if you live in an equity state or a community property state. Debts and assets are usually divided 50/50. However, with minor children, you are entitled to child support if you are the custodial parent.

You have a marriage of longevity, based on the fact you have been married for more than 10 years. That counts for something, particularly in equity states.

It is tough out there. The economy sucks. Jobs are hard to find. You may have to work two part-time jobs, pool resources with other single moms to take turns watching each other's kids, whatever.

It is never easy to walk away when minor children are involved. Heck, it isn't always easy even without children. Another HOWEVER ... staying together in a lousy marriage "for the sake of the children" is no reason to stay together. Children are intuitive, and they pick up on the bad vibes at a fairly young age. Believe me, I knew by the age of 7 that my parents had a rotten marriage ... and by 8 I was having panic attacks and feeling pretty depressed.

If you really want to make a go of it without him, you can do it. It takes guts, determination, and the willingness to walk through hell (and KEEP walking until you come out on the other side). Life is waaayyyy too short.

Call an attorney. Now.

I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
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