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I am a wreck

22K views 127 replies 24 participants last post by  depressedandexhausted 
#1 ·
I live in NH, I have been married for 5 years. My wife and I have been unhappy for at least 2. It started when she and I lost trust. She was sexting another man. She did it when we first started dating, not even six months in. I should have realized it then, but I didn't i was blinded by emotional connection. I was in the army and felt that I had very little time to get a woman in my life and I think this clouded my judgement. Then a few years later she went out with her girlfriend and did it again. I couldn't prove it was sexting at first, just messages with him asking for pictures of a sexual nature. Then I started to get curious and put a few things on her phone and computer. About two months after I did this, she texted the same man that has been nipping at our relationships heals for the last few years. She texted him asking that they restart sending the pictures. I waited, then the next day they got sexual.
Anyways, I am now standing up for myself and I told her she has two weeks to get out of my house. She and I fought what seemed like forever. Then she left to go to a friends house, she didnt want to come home, but she finally did to see her kid. She said she needed her space to figure out what she wants. Then this morning I woke up (even though I didnt really sleep). I told her, we needed to talk. I sat with my coffee and started to tell her its not just her fault its both of ours. I asked her what she wanted to take from the house, and how we are going to handle things financially. She was crying, and emotionally distraught just like I am. I am having trouble, I am a stay at home dad that collects disability for my military service. I have nobody here to talk to because I moved to this state for her. I am dying inside and I am having a hard time staying strong and following through with this divorce that is good for the both of us but, maybe not at this moment. What can I do to get over these feelings. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, and i dont know if I can handle it. I am a wreck. I am trying soo hard to stay strong for my kids, for myself. Ugh..I cant handle this. I have no firends here, they are all in california, I have no family here. what am i supposed to do???
 
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#2 ·
WHat you are going to do is take a deep breathe. You are not alone.

You need to get some control in your life. Getting control of somethings will keep you focus and stop the racing thoughts in your head.

Other members of TAM will give you advice on how to handle your wife.

For now call family and friends, rally your support team around you.

Next, speak to a lawyer to get advice on how to proceed.

Start getting your financial papers together.

If, you are on meds and getting therapy, cont to. If not get some help by getting IC.

No one gets married expecting this. Give yourself a break. Your wife did wrong not you. Stay connect.
 
#3 ·
Ugh..I cant handle this. I have no firends here, they are all in california, I have no family here. what am i supposed to do???
Keep posting here.

You can do this. It hurts a lot, but you're not alone.
 
#4 ·
Okay, detach and work on your issues. Your insecurities and need for a relationship had a hand in your poor choices. The red flag was there early on, but you chose to ignore it.

We all make mistakes, it is about growing from them that reduces the odds of them occurring again or seeing the warning signs ahead of time.

Find support, and focus on yourself. The more you extend your focus on what she is doing, the more it distracts you from moving on, and separating.

Learn to value yourself first. All actions and choices we make, will affect us and the people around us.

I think you should alter what you find as success. If your goal is to live a fulfilling and contented life, then you should be working towards that, not just a relationship to be in one. Your wife is someone who cannot provide that.

Change is going to be hard process, but in the end, you will be better for it.
 
#6 ·
firstly; thank you for your service.

i'm sorry, but your wife sounds like my ex. (and a lot of others of that variety), a serial cheater.
you caught her sexting twice early in your relationship. it's not going to get much better.
i went through the same thing. it was after the third time i caught her cybercheating that I had enough and said 'i'm done'.

very sorry to say, but i don't think she's meant to be a wife. it will be very painful, i know, but you'll get through it.
you don't have to do anything right away. take care of yourself, first and foremost, but plan for separation and divorce.
 
#8 ·
D,

First establish the lay of the land post divorce. Even if you want the marriage to recover ! You cannot make sound decisions with nothing but uncertainty in your life.

First see a lawyer and develop a firm scenario as to custody and finances. Be sure to cover all possible issues. Start with your disability payments. Next you are the stay at home parent. As such it would be logical for a joint custody with your residents being the primary home for the child. So she will owe you child support. Add them together and you can plan you and your child's living arrangement

Next develop a plan for what you can do for your child. Boys and girls react different in this situation. Age and gender of the child ? important do not accept anything she says at face value. Insist she move out ! Read and put in use the 180 and know the "fog.".
Knowing her future actions will enable you to to achieve a successful reconciliation or divorce. Finally keep posting.
 
#9 ·
Didn't see any mention of kids... if you don't have any (together, that is), I'd advise you to file for divorce, cut her out of your life, and then move back home.

Sorry man.

ETA: Read that too fast... do the two of you have any kids together?
 
#10 ·
And reading other posters threads. As you think of what you would do in their shoes, your actions will become more instinctive. Again, creating less stress in your life.
 
#11 ·
Thank you everyone so far for the help. Very useful information. I ran about 5 miles today. Her parents took the kids for a little while. I set up an appointment for an attorney. I will be asking the needed and necessary questions. I called my sister, she just went through this as well, her marriage was for 17 years though. She straightened me out, and layed some cold hard truths on me. My mother also told me to stop dwelling. If she doesn't leave tonight for a friends I will be taking the night and go somewhere else, maybe a movie or just a hotel with a pool, either way I need space and to be away from this situation to get my head on straight.

I am much more composed now, but I am sure this situation is going to take me for a ride on a roller coaster. My family is telling me to be strong, take the time and end it. I just hope I have the emotional strength to do so. So far today, I ran about 5 miles on a treadmill, hiked up small mountain, went to a park with my kids and cried while I took a shower. However, now I am too tired to argue, or deal with any sh**. About the only thing I have the energy for right now is getting dinner ready, even though I haven't been able to eat for the last two days.

I have two kids, one by her and one by another that is no longer in the picture, at all. The only thing I am sure about right now is, marriage is not for me, never again.
 
#12 ·
D, you are doing great. First baby steps. Like any traumatic event, some days are going to be great and others like the blackhole.

Its good that you got your family involved and getting their support.

Start taking better care of yourself, make sure you are eating well. Continue with your exercise. Know the things that you have control over and those that you don't.

Keep your appointment with the lawyer and listen to these guys on TAM, they give great advice because a lot of them when thru your situation.

Take care of yourself, so that, you can take care of your kids.

See, if the lawyer will be able to get your wife to move out soon. Goodluck. Stay calm.
 
#14 ·
So, I am updating. She came home yesterday after work, and we all ate dinner together as a family and then talked. It was moderately civil. It was mostly me after she asked a few questions. I couldnt help it, but I brought up all the crap that has been bugging me. She told me that she doesnt want a divorce and I am the one that keeps saying it. I told her that I do want one, that I cant keep living like this. I cant take the crap she is putting me through. I want to find a woman worth my time and effort. Somebody who is worth following to the ends of the earth. I told her I would like her to leave, I would like her to go stay with a friend for a few days. She refuses and says she doesnt have time to set that up. I rented a few divorce books at the library today, since I was unable to do anything physical, since its been raining and my entire body is feeling like jello. I am worried about my financial capabilities, so this is just another step into my nightmare. I am pretty mellow and accepting that this is where my future is headed regardless of what happens. I am trying not to cave into her, I cant trust her, bottom line. Therefore I want it to be over no matter what, this would be so much easier if she would just get out of the house. She already says she doesnt want it. Im sorry if I am all over the place, brain is still not functioning at peak capacity. Something that did peak my interest in the book I was reading. New hampshire allows lawsuits against homewreckers lol. Not that I will do it but that made my day.
 
#15 ·
Get all your paper work together. Look at every nickel and dime, see where your money is going. Then, do a budget and see if without her help, if you can make it. Maybe you can move into a smaller place etc.

She does not want to leave because she is now realizing what she is giving up. You can file for divorce and while that is going on. May be you both can see a MC. Just to see if there is anything worth saving.

But do not let her tell you want to do or how to feel. You are entitled to your feelings. She should not expect you to trust her. She should not expect you not to be upset. She does not get a free pass.

Keep up your exercise and eat well and get some sleep. Spent less time with her. Don't keep bring up the issue with her and don't get into conversations with her. Build your wall around you and start detaching. She knows where you stand. Let her work if she wants to make amends.

Let us know how you are doing. Take care.
 
#16 ·
Thank you brooklynAnn, I think that holds true. I think I do need to distance myself. THis constant fluctuation between connection with her and seperation is causing my brain to overload. What do you all think I should do about her parents. THey know nothing and it is killing me to have to deal with them coming over off and on. To have to act like nothing is going on, well its making it worse. Should I just tell them or tell my wife to tell them to stop coming over. She doesnt want me to say anything about our relationship, but I feel it is not my obligation to with hold all this crap.
 
#18 ·
D, I would not tell them anything at this time. However, when they come to visit, I would leave. Be polite and kind. But distant.

If at anytime they ask you what is going on, you tell them. Don't worry about what your wife thinks about this. She just wants to hide her EA or whatever she was doing.

Unless, you want her back don't tell them talk you into anything.

Best of luck.
 
#24 ·
Please tell your in laws!

They must hear exactly why you have to let their daughter go.

If you leave it up to your wife she will either make light of the fact that she has been fooling around ("just friends and you are jealous") or you have been a terrible husband and abusive.....

Trust me, make it very clear that you will no longer share your wife with [the guys name] and she has broken your trust for the last time.

Doing this will make it very clear to your wife that this in fact over and you will no longer be her door mat to do as she wishes!

Not exposing the infidelity is one of the biggest mistakes one can make.....exposing this affair will show how remorseful she really is. If she gets pissed that you exposed this crap to her parents you will know for sure that she is not going to own up to her cheating.....never!

Her reaction to the exposure will solidify your steps that you are now taking.....trust me.
 
#25 ·
Alright, I will do it. This makes sense, but I think I am going to wait until after I hear what the attourney says, so I know what my rights are and what to expect. I started to budget based on worst case scenario. Money will be very tight but I think I can manage. Does anyone know if a 5 year marriage in NH is considered a short term marriage, this information is about all I have not found yet. (I am very good at research)
 
#26 ·
Granted your wife might except the consequences of having her behavior exposed to her parents and except your choice in telling them and show real remorse....BUT I DOUBT IT!!!!!

You will see her true colors as soon as you tell her folks about her cheating, and then all her begging and crying will go out the window.

Again I truly believe she will never except the consequences for her action....I can bet as long as she doesn't have to face any consequences at all she will be more then happy to stay with you and continue to contact her boyfriend at the same time.

See bad behavior continues with out consequences and not only this divorce but the exposure is something she should face no matter what.

I'm guessing she has been getting away with this crap way to long....
 
#28 ·
It has, I have given her mutiple chances, this is why I am tired of it. My religious beliefs have affected my decisions a lot, but I dont think my beliefs would want me to suffer any longer. I have put more than enough effort into this. I am just tired and want to see the pressure and weight of this relationship removed. Something tells me it is going to be enlightening.
 
#27 ·
I also suggest you keep your wife out of the loop...you have been kept in the dark long enough it is her turn now...it is time to get a few steps ahead of your serial cheating wife.

I am curious...is she really going to a friends house or is she spending the night with her boyfriend?
 
#29 ·
Honestly, I don't know. I do know that she has been withholding sex from me for a long time. I don't know if its because of our issues but either way it doesn't matter at this point. As for being a step ahead, I think I am. We will see where this ends, soon enough. I am getting more and more aggravated each day. I just wish I was back in my home state, this would be soo much easier for me.
 
#30 ·
OP,
If her parents are decent, reasonable people I would tell your wife that her disrespect for people has to end. Tell her that she and you need to sit down with her parents and she needs to tell them exactly what she has done to destroy this marriage. At some point she must be held accountable, she has skated too long. However they react is of little consequence to you since you are out soon anyway but for her the price of her misdeeds may cause some growth and development in her character. Or it may not but again, you are out soon either way. Thank you for your service and make sure you adjust your selective process for women. There are many good women out there and in time, if you choose to, you will find one. Strength and good fortune to you.
 
#32 ·
In short, tell your old lady you are done with her bull crap and you have already spoken to her folks. Don't really give a phuck one way or another how you or her folks handle the truth. Maybe if she gets her shyt together she will be a better person for it.
Thank you for keeping Haji off my front porch. Becareful not to pick another crazy b1tch again.
You will get through this crap we all do.LOL
 
#35 ·
Stay as calm as you can. You can do this.
Do you have any evidenence to share with the inlaws?

If your old lady was really remorseful she would have no problem with you invading her privacy, and the name calling is all about the lack of respect she has for you.

No matter how much she wants to "work it out" just remember she has no respect for you....you my friend are just a security blanket for her.

I mean how bad do you think she wants to "work it out" when she truly would rather go out with "friends"? You know dam well that she is expecting this to all blow over so she can start treating you like a door mat again.

You will see her true colors when you expose her affair to her parents!
 
#36 ·
I am a cyber security specialist, least I was. I have texts. From what I have been learning too is fault divorce is allowed in nh. I dont think it will matter, I think she just wants out at this point. She cant take the 180. She texted me, I love you at lunch to day. I said thats sweet, then went back to watching a tv show with my daughter. Last night I left without saying anything. Walked around homedepot for a bit. Made me feel better. I am going to go to a movie tonight lol.
 
#41 ·
To start, I have been focusing on a lot of the 180 points. I have been ignoring her to an extent (as much as I can). I act normal, composed and like I have moved on. I have been focusing on myself, and my kids. I havent gotten over any of this but I have almost gotten emotionally numb to it. Last night I went with a few other vets to the VFW, had a pretty good time, especially while I listened to two guys talk about their divorces. One guy has been divorced 5 times, lol.

I am not cold but I do not listen to her driving on and on, beating the dead horse so to speak. There is no point, it is always the same crap. She can trust me because I go through her crap and I cant trust her for the sh** she has done.

Mornings are particularly hard for me. Seeing my kids and their happiness and then dealing with her negativity, its a lot to take in after my brain has had its rest. So it started with a text. She told me she is sorry for everything she has done. I didnt say anything, I immediately went to making my coffee, following my routine to get the sleep out of my eyes. Sat on the couch with my kid and watched cartoons till I decided to get up and make breakfast.

She sat down asked our kid to leave the room and go play in her room for a little bit. In my head, I was just thinking, great, here we go again. She started to talk about how she feels, which is actually kind of new. Usually she is pretty distant and unable to express herself.She said she is done with feeling stressed, tired, and emotional. She said she doesnt know what she wants, but she does love me. She tells me that she, is just tired of being unhappy.

Heres the kicker, she said she wants to go to marriage counseling, she said that she wants to try for a little while longer. She wants us as a family again.

Now, for me. I no longer want this. I no longer have a desire to make this work. I want my kids to be happy and content. I feel no matter what I am going to be right back at this moment. I feel like no matter what happens, no matter what I do she is going to continue with this OM and continue with her EA.

With that in mind, I told her we should go to MC, and try for two more months and see where it goes. I lied, as soon as I can afford it I am going to go and get a divorce decree and be free from this ridiculous and destructive relationship. I tried, we failed, am I wrong to lie about my plans. I feel kind of bad, I have been honest with her this whole time. Even when she asked me about going through her stuff. I feel like I am in the wrong for deceiving her about my divorce intentions. As though I am playing with her emotions. Before she left she had a huge smile and gave me a hug and a kiss, it was torture. I am almost at a point where I hate her, or detest her at the very least. Sorry for the rambling.
 
#42 ·
I don't think you should have lied to her about the counseling. What purpose does it serve? Save the money and use it toward the divorce. Fess up now, today, that you lied and you shouldn't have, don't know why you did. You're only creating another confusing layer to this situation.
 
#44 ·
So, I had to spend the weekend at some cabins with my soon to be ex wife. I practiced the 180 for most of time. I had a good time while I gave her very little attention. I wasnt rude but I only spoke to her when she spoke to me. We went to this little place that had stuff for the kids, she was on her phone a lot. I walked by and she got out of snapchat very quickly. Then it hit me right in the chest, and all my emotions flooded back in. I thought I was done feeling like this, but I guess my brain and heart had other plans.

We all go to the show area, I say I have to go to the bathroom. I disappear and call my family so I can get past this emotional anguish.
After, I spend the better part of the day talking to my friends. I can deal with this. How do you stay strong when you have to live with somebody who has committed such betrayal. Why cant the love I show her be enough? What can I do about this?

Anyways, we end up talking about our marriage a little at the cabbin, right before we leave. She tells me she isnt going to be the one that ends it. She gives me a hug and tries to kiss me. Then I come home check her computer. She looks at the guys facebook about four times in an hour period. I know she is stuck on this guy, I just dont know why I care anymore. I know its because I love this woman, why cant there just be a pill that can take this heartache away. Wish I had a grand just to get rid of her.
 
#45 ·
OP,
I believe, for what it's worth, that she is just as confused as you are. If you could see inside her head you would not see thoughts, like train cars, following an orderly process through her brain, no, what you would see would be very much the scene during an active tornado. There would be debris of thoughts flying around everywhere in a chaotic, swirling mess. The only thing of order that you would recognize is that the tornado encircled her. All of the chaos and confusion encircles her. It is all about her in her mind. She is incapable of ordering her thoughts in a rational pattern and therefore her actions are as chaotic and confusing as what is going on in her head.

The only way she will ever understand any of this is if she somehow matures and "lays some tracks" (synaptic connections) in her mind so she can order her thoughts. This is next to impossible and extremely unlikely. There is a chance but it is indeed slim. If you were inclined to attempt R, which it seems you are not, you would need to act similarly to a parent and lay out strict rules for her to follow. Any disobedience will be met with D, period. She will most likely not accept this and you can then say okay, you are not serious about R so I will start the D proceedings tomorrow.
 
#46 ·
Why should you feel bad for keeping her out of the loop with regards to the divorce?

You can see her actions do not match at all with what she tells you.

The pill you need to get through this is her actions.....actions that should motivate you in getting this divorce.

Wait...you were going to tell her parents.....what happened?

As far as the money goes can't you round up a grand by selling some stuff and asking family for a loan?
 
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