I just need some opinions because I think my H is trying to drive me insane.
I found an xl shirt on the table last night…the cord thingy was still attached where the tag had been and it had serious crease marks so it looked “new”… I even smelled it to confim and it smelled “new” (You know what I mean about new clothes smell )
The thing is it was a golf polo from H’s exW’s charity… Her brother-in-law was chairperson for a particular local charity golf event for the last 10 years or something like that… So the shirt was from the golf classic, and judging by the wording, although there wasn’t a specific date shown, it looked to be from this year’s event.
So***I made the mistake*** of asking H about it. I asked who’s shirt that was and where it came from. That’s when the trouble started… He went crazy ape-sh*t bonkers on me. I received a 2-plus hour rant from him, in front of his kids no less, where he berated me from every conceivable angle using every obscenity possible too.
At 7 o’clock, after the tirade was over, H had to take ss15 to a friend’s house for a swimming thing. H left to take him and didn’t return until, wait for it, 1:30 in the morning! I’m completely at a loss… As far as I'm concerned, his little disappearance is inexcusable and grounds for divorce in my book... Married people don't act like that.
I know that H’s exW has tried to break us up from day one…and H has allowed it to continue since like forever. And I put the kibosh on him playing in this charity golf thing for the last two years, saying, Is it really necessary to spend the day with your exW and her entire extended family, while you ignore and abandon your *new* wife?!
I gave him the line in the sand too and said you can choose me or her/them…and he decided to stop being such a tool for them and didn’t go. But I can just see the rage and resentment and anger in him everytime his ex has a family thing…because now that he’s remarried he “can’t go”… Seriously, is this deranged or what???!!!
I can’t tell you how horrible his ex and her family are. They are supposed to be all-Catholic, but that’s their cop-out for all their philandering and broken marriages…they think they’re still “ok” because they go to Mass. Gimme a flippin break! And these “good people” have been nothing but horrible to me from day one!! I wasn’t even living in this town when my H and his exW split up--*and* she was the one who had an affair behind H’s back for 2 years, had to confess because her ‘best friend’ her neighbor knew and was going to tell H, and after she confessed, she walked out on H and the kids to go live with her wealthy old man. I had nothing to do with any of that and didn’t even live in this city then… But they’ve all treated me like *I’m* the adulterer who destroyed the happy family… And H has gone along with all the mistreatment. I can see how stupid I’ve been to have ever stayed with him or marry him because the writing was on the wall from day one… In my defense though, when I finally did move in with him it was because I was living with him and keeping my condo, and my mom and two brothers were all diagnosed with lung cancer at the same time—Both my brothers died and my mom was in the hospital for the better part of a year—I was a basket case, so trying to keep 2 places was insane… I moved in thinking I was getting support and love, but I was really wrong.
Anyways, back to the shirt…. Is it normal for someone to have a 2-hour insane screamfest over a shirt? And to defend his exW up and down, and lie and say it belongs to his kid(the shirt was an XL and the kid wears a Med.) The thing is too, I didn’t say anything to provoke a fight…I chose my words carefully and just asked who’s shirt and where from…nothing more. But he just went so insane, I had to believe he obviously saw his ex and got the shirt from her…but lies to me and provokes a huge fight. He’s so wrapped up in his exW, he’d sell my organs to help her out.
So could anyone comment on this situation? I have fully made my mind up I want out, I’m planning my exit strategy and working diligently on it… But stuff like this makes me wonder…Is it me?? He tries to say it’s me, that I “can’t get over” his ex being in his life, and that I need “to deal” with it….all the blame for his sick, stalker-like obsession with her gets pushed back onto me…that “I’m wrong”…
So***I made the mistake*** of asking H about it. I asked who’s shirt that was and where it came from. That’s when the trouble started… He went crazy ape-sh*t bonkers on me. I received a 2-plus hour rant from him, in front of his kids no less, where he berated me from every conceivable angle using every obscenity possible too.
Anyways, back to the shirt…. Is it normal for someone to have a 2-hour insane screamfest over a shirt?
No. It's not normal. but I don't thnk this is about the shirt. You guys have a lot more unresolved/resentment issues. Pay him no attention. You said yourself you're actively pursuing a divorce so focus on that and try to get alomg as best you can in the interim.
Quote:
Originally Posted by onepotatotwo
But they’ve all treated me like *I’m* the adulterer who destroyed the happy family… And H has gone along with all the mistreatment. I can see how stupid I’ve been to have ever stayed with him or marry him because the writing was on the wall from day one… In my defense though, when I finally did move in with him it was because I was living with him and keeping my condo
Question: were you in any way involved with him before they divorced? How soon after they separated (or before) were you hooking up with him?
It's not normal to have a 2 hour "screamfest" over a shirt, but it's also not normal to consider a husband coming home at 1:30 as "grounds for divorce". Both of you seem to have gone to emotional nuclear warfare in the relationship... Have you brought someone in to try to defuse the situation?
I can't tell from this post, but do they have kids together? I'd like to think that any future Mrs. Pbear would encourage an amicable relationship with the first Mrs. Pbear, for the sake if the kids. And going to an annual golf game organized by her BIL hardly seems "stalkerish", especially as a charity fundraiser.
Jellybeans, I didn't even *live* in the same town as H until like 3 years after their divorce... I had nothing to do with it. His exW cheated for several years and got found out and had to confess before her "friend" revealed it to H. But it's like she likes to keep my H on a leash so she can do what she wants and have him there to pick up the pieces...Example--She's had more vacations in the last year than I've had in the last 10, and she's going overseas next week for a couple of weeks--Her 15 y.o. son's birthday is that week and she'll be gone *again*--she misses every holiday--Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas, you name it...
Then I feel responsible for giving her kids a nice day because she couldn't give a flip...
PBear, I can see what you're saying but there are way, way more examples of him being his ex's puppet and simply existing to kiss her behind. The golf thing really is a sample of how mistreated I've been from day one... H hasn't spent one bit of time getting "close" to my family...He's gone to hospitals and whatnot when he "could" but he hasn't done much to create a relationship where my family actually "knows" him. Granted my family lives about 2 hrs from here *but* H knew long before we got serious just how important my family is to me. The reason it hurts so deeply is that I, like I mentioned above, have gone above and beyond to accept his kids and treat them like family. It has cut me to the core that H is close to his ex's family... We could sit and disagree on the topic for eternity, but the fact is that it guts me and kills my feelings for him. A new marriage is supposed to be a fresh start...and yes I realize there's baggage what with him having kids with the ex...But, he has never given our marriage or my family or anything about our "new life" a chance to grow and blossom. I've tried for years now and it isn't happening and it's made me incredibly angry and resentful.
I can't talk to him about any of this stuff because like I posted, the mere mention of his ex causes this tirade from him.
People who knew him from our old job (we met at the company we were working for--he left a couple years into it when his shift was disbanded), said that he "wasn't over his ex", or so the rumors went. That's why I didn't date him for so long... He'd asked me out shortly after he got hired but I kept saying no because I'd heard the gossip mill saying he wasn't over his ex. And I saw her come to the parking lot several times to do a kid exchange, and it looked to me like they were still one big happy family despite being divorced...and I didn't want any part of it.
Somewhere along the line I got talked into one date with him because the relationship I was in was going nowhere. I really liked him as a friend/work person, and figured one date couldn't hurt. The thing is, he ***seemed**** really nice and sweet and I liked being around him. He used to make me feel good because he liked to stand close to me at meetings and stuff like that. He just seemed like such a nice person. ***But***from day one, he still allowed his ex to come and go at his house as she pleased--which caused alot of problems during our dating years if you catch my drift. Plus *she* was just EVIL to me--Although she was the cheater, she treated me like "the homewrecker"...And they were divorced besides!!! And H never really stood up to her for me, made me fight her on my own(verbally--although I really wanted to kick her a** a couple of times)... And it really created the foundation of misery that is our marriage... He always seemed to put her feelings/needs first no matter how stupid or pointless her demands were--and she'd rub it in my face saying "afterall, she *is* the mother of his kids..."
Anyways, sorry to ramble, but there is just a history of badness between everyone in this deal, and the shirt is just symbolic.
I'm glad though that it's not just me that thinks this explosion over a shirt is weird. I think it has to do with all this unresolved stuff with us and him and his ex.
In any case, I have some seriously big guns working on my housing situation and I'm hoping to get it sorted out this weekend. Soon I can be in my new house with my doggie, happy and not getting yelled at
Yes, I agree that it is obvious that the shirt tirade is about something much deeper, and you are getting punished because he will not decide where his loyalties lie. Until HE resolves this relationship issue with the past wife and her family, instead of blowing up at you when you bring up something that reminds him of his unwillingness to address it, you are stuck in a marriage that includes another woman and her family.
This has wounded you, but there is so much kindness in your treatment of their children. As a former step-child in a troubled family, I wish that my own stepmother could've avoided treating me like I was the problem, and shown compassion like you do. Please don't let this situation make you so jaded that you lose this part of you.
Still, I wouldn't be surprised if your exit drives sudden clarity into him. If you move out, you should probably have a plan for dealing with him if he suddenly professes that he's seen the light and wants you back.
It does sound like maybe he's not over her...or ever was really. While she may be "evil" as you describe, your husband has allowed this to go on sinec day 1. That should have been a huge red flag to you when you started dating (or even before).
Also, you shouldn't "feel responsible" for making up for what his ex-wife lacks when she is not around on holidays, birthdays, etc. That is her job.
Are you divorcing?
In the future, find someone who isn't living inside their ex's a$$hole. LOL. The warning signs are there for a reason.
Halien, thanks so much for what you said...it really meant alot. I feel like being a SM is the hardest job in the world--I get crap from H, and his ex all the time--but the ones who *don't* give me crap are the boys. They are better for me than either of their parents...they do laundry, cook and all the things they're supposed to be learning to do at this age...and they're thankful that I'm teaching them the stuff their parents don't because they're too busy ignoring them or worrying about their sports to the exclusion of everything else. It's been really hard because I love these guys--not in a way where I want to be their mom--but more like my nephews or little brothers--that's more like the age difference between us too. I don't feel weird about doing extra stuff for them on holidays because their mom isn't around--I do it because I had a good childhood, and I want them to have what I did... My mom taught me how to be a 'mom', and now these boys see how it is to have that loving nurturing environment that they didn't have. It really is sad how neglected they have been--and despite my marriage being a disaster, my relationship with them has always been good for all of us.
Jellybeans, in my heart I know he's not over her to some extent...you can't be married that long (10 years or so plus the dating years) without some kind of mourning period...and I think H was so wrapped up in the exW and her family that when they separated, he lost part of his identity in a big way. H isn't close to his smaller family--but was very tight with the exW's huge family...and I can see that bond being hard to alter. But what has been so painful is that H has misled me from day one saying how he wanted a fresh start with me, and initially worked to make a life together with me...but that was all a big lie. All it is, is he wants me to fit into *his* pre-made life and be and do what he says. I feel like I'm just some live-in housekeeper--and it's my damn house!!! I feel like I have half a life...that the old, adventurous me is being shackled down so I can't exist... All he wants me to be is an "add on" to *his* life... Makes me feel like a pet or something
So, yes, I am ready for divorce. I have been in the process for a long time now but would get sucked back in because I did still love him and want it to work. But nowadays, the realist in me is seeing that this will never work--I'll never get what I want with him. And I feel like there have been so many days of my life thrown away on this nothingness--I don't want to lose more of my life. In my heart, I am ready to get out and go skydiving, rockclimbing, and live life --to make up for all I've missed being a slave here.
If my W got angry at me like that, I would certainly suspect that she was hiding something as well. You certainly had the right to ask about the shirt. Berating you in front of the kids is certainly not warranted. This is the sort of abuse that they should NOT have have the opportunity to learn.
I think that originally he did want to make a new life, but he seems like he is stuck and unable to let go of his older life. It looks like the kids respect your and hold you dear. That is a very strong point for you. It does not look like things can get better unless your H learns to let go and learn to be more appreciative. I would think that it would be a monumental effort for him to do that. He obviously does not appreciate what he has (had) with you and does not appear to want to change.
Thanks you guys for your comments…
Over the weekend, H decided he wanted to talk with me about why I’m unhappy. I told him that I’m pretty much shut down at this point and just want to peacefully separate. He doesn’t understand why entirely…He keeps thinking that “what if we move into this new house you want”…Like I had any intention of bringing him with me… He can’t seem to get that it’s about me making a fresh start without all the baggage that we’ve built up. H however said that he wants us to go to marriage counseling…He thinks it will help him adjust his way of being so that he can give me more of what I need. I personally don’t see the use in it… We’ve gone to counseling before, separately, together, and with the kids—and all it did was manage to beat me down further. The counselor specialized in kid and kid issues…he didn’t have much experience in counseling couples. And what he did was pretty much tell me to no end that I needed to put myself and my needs aside “for the kids”…kids that aren’t my own…who’s own mother was constantly absent. And he kept telling me how ok it was for H to be wrapped up in exW’s family… All of it was just a mind game to get me to ignore my own gut feelings of how ‘wrong’ everything felt and was. We finally quit going because even H began to realize the counselor was not a good one—and wanted to put their other son in counseling for his problems making friends…All the stuff that parents could help a kid with if they were actually involved in his life—but instead just send him to a shrink to “fix him”… but I digress…
H wants to make an appointment to see an actual marriage counselor but I’m kind of on the fence about it. I’d go to humor him maybe, but I don’t see it doing any good.
What’s that saying about too much water under the bridge… Too much stuff has gone on for this to be fixed, I think. H admitted too that he doesn’t know how to undo all that he’s done and screwed up. And that’s the same for me—I really don’t know how to fix stuff…I could try I guess, but what does that get me? Does that put me further ahead towards the life I need to live? I don’t feel like my life-purpose can be fulfilled living here no matter how H changes.
We made a lot of progress yesterday though. H said that I shouldn’t take it for fact that just because the exW got a big wedding and to wear her dress and go on a honeymoon, it doesn’t mean that he loves me any less…nor is it any indicator of his love because my diamonds are smaller than hers… Everything is a function of where he was in life then and where he is now. He simply doesn’t have the money now that he had then. I told him I agreed, but where he missed was I wanted to put our wedding announcement in the paper but he poo pooed me saying it was stupid—and he was so belittling about it that I didn’t put it in…and I resent it even now, because his first marriage was in the paper and I could google it and print it today!
As I explained to H, my resentments don’t come from having a smaller diamond…it comes from his ***attitude*** about things and the ***lack of physical affection***… Both of which he claims he can work on improving through MC.
H is not an emotionally open person. He doesn’t have the same “hippie” outlook I have. I watched Seseme Street, the Magic Garden and Mr. Rogers—shows that as a kid, taught me the value of kindness and compassion. H never watched them, and is more like a Gunsmoke-Old West kind of guy… He thinks being stoic is how life should be, and his parents were not affectionate or emotional…They’d hug him periodically and say I love you, maybe once a day. I’m touchy feely, love giving/receiving affection, and say I love you all the time—not to an annoying extent I don’t think. But H isn’t comfortable with emotions or displaying affection like I **need**. I knew that going into this, and was fine with the level of affection he showed—although he did show much more before we got married and he got resentful. The problem is that he knows I need affection and he deliberately withholds it—and that’s completely different than just being uncomfortable showing feelings/emotions.
The thing is that I don’t see MC as changing H in a fundamental way so as to provide for my basic needs. I need more affection and kindness from him—things that go beyond him doing “chores” like fixing dinner to show me he loves me. I need hugs and kisses and just normal physical contact…and that’s all stuff that’s foreign and hard for him…And not just hard, he uses it as bargaining tools to get me to do what he wants. And unless a counselor can unprogram that kind of thinking, I don’t see our marriage succeeding. I wouldn’t expect a miracle, and suddenly have H running around waving a peace symbol and being mellow—but maybe he could wind up being more comfortable with his feelings and showing affection towards me… But that’s a big maybe…
So I don’t know WTH we’re going to do…I’m going to take it day by day and see what my options are. H doesn’t want me miserable and offered to help me with the financing for this new house even if I want to live there alone—but he still wants us to go to counseling before I sign any papers—which I guess is fair.
Don't go to MC to humor him. Only do it if you see a possibility of it working. I had my 3rd session today (which did not go well) and it looks like my wife is only going to humor me. Humoring just makes us feel worse, especially if someone is holding that magic divorce wand over our heads.
Taking things a day at a time is key and if your MC prescribes things that would help to make change you have to realize that things will feel weird, but they are probably worth trying.
I'm sorry....I shouldn't have said that...it was meant tongue in cheek...I wouldn't just go to humor him--I'd have to believe in it or not go at all... I can't decide though at this point if it would actually help or not...
I am happy that H is talking to me more about his feelings and attempting to be more of what I need...I would love to return the favor and be what he wants, but I can't tell you what that is--I don't think he really knows either...
I want to believe in my marriage and that MC will change things, but it takes two...and so far I'm the only one who has tried consistently to change...Maybe H is actually ready? I don't know...
I definitely will be taking one day at a time and see if we can rekindle our marriage. We have been there for one another through all kinds of things, and we've had alot of bad stuff happen since we've been together--but we've toughed them all out...Unfortunately, somewhere in there we lost the spark and any kind of romance and have settled into a rut of misery and depression that we can't get out of. I'm hoping that we can climb out of the pit together... I really don't want to have to be divorced and start all over again, but if we can't find a way to feel love for one another again, I don't see any other alternatives...
I'm sorry....I shouldn't have said that...it was meant tongue in cheek...I wouldn't just go to humor him--I'd have to believe in it or not go at all... I can't decide though at this point if it would actually help or not...
I am happy that H is talking to me more about his feelings and attempting to be more of what I need...I would love to return the favor and be what he wants, but I can't tell you what that is--I don't think he really knows either...
I want to believe in my marriage and that MC will change things, but it takes two...and so far I'm the only one who has tried consistently to change...Maybe H is actually ready? I don't know...
I definitely will be taking one day at a time and see if we can rekindle our marriage. We have been there for one another through all kinds of things, and we've had alot of bad stuff happen since we've been together--but we've toughed them all out...Unfortunately, somewhere in there we lost the spark and any kind of romance and have settled into a rut of misery and depression that we can't get out of. I'm hoping that we can climb out of the pit together... I really don't want to have to be divorced and start all over again, but if we can't find a way to feel love for one another again, I don't see any other alternatives...
That is all you can do for now. Keep an open mind about reconciliation, and try to work on it. Really, the point where you can tell if the changes are real is after the initial glow of his new determination begins to wear off. If you communicate what you are seeing, and it gets him right back on track, then maybe its real. I'm in a similar situation, but with different behaviors. My wife seems to be trying very hard.
Need opinions --Fight over a shirt??!! 
