Based on some advice in an earlier thread, I am doing the MW 180 program with my fallen out of love wife. Hasn't done anything for my marriage but it's really done a lot for me.
So my wife and I communicate by text message and she can be really rude. Should I use the same tone?
Hey Im going through similar with H. We've been married 7 years. NOt that my story is anything like yours, they're all different. No kids here.
He said he needed some space, some time to work things out in his head. He "says" this is not permanent, but it's only been 5 days.
I read the 180 3 days ago. Of course it's a long list and not all of it is applicable to everyone situation. It was however in mine as far as communication goes, so he txts me every day. sometimes to be nice, sometimes in regards to needing something from the house.
I have greatly limited what I say to him, but Im not being rude. At first he was really short and a bit rude also, but don't feed off of that. The leaver just made a huge decision and has a lot going on upstairs. The leaver is stressed and probably trying NOT to care about you or your feelings because they did just LEAVE you. If they cared that much maybe they wouldn't have left? A friend of mine who was the leaver explained to me how she had to remove her emotions from the situation in order to have the balls to leave. So someone with their emotions removed isn't going to be real kind...
If you feel like there is any hope, continue with the 180 stuff, but you don't have to be rude back. She's trying to get a reaction out of you and in turn will justify why she left you. If you're rude, she'll say to herself "see? he's rude to you, it's OK you left"
Take all that with a grain of salt...just my 2c worth.
BY the way, since I read the 180, that's what limited my text responses to less than 5 words, and for me to not even THINK about calling. He's told me a few times to call him later. MY response - That defeats the purpose of all this, if you wanna talk to ME, then you call when YOU can... so I dont call, and guess who calls me???
I even had the guts to say to him that he was right, this time apart is gonna be really good for us. He had NOTHING to say, just looked at me trying to figure me out. He said I seemed pleasant and I said, yeah Im OK I guess..are you pleasant? He said, I'm just so busy with work...blah! I was dressed up real cute to bring him something from the house and before we parted, he asked what I was doing tonight? My first response, I think I'm gonna go out to eat or get some take out... He says, by yourself? I say, yeah, it's cool. Really, what's he gonna think of that?
The things in the 180 about seeming like you've moved on, seem pleasant and happy. DO IT, DO IT DO IT! You know where your heart is. You know dang well you aren't going out to eat by yourself, or going to the movies by yourself, but while they're sitting there alone wondering if they made the right decision, what you're doing will be on their conscience, in stead of what they're doing. I dunno maybe. Maybe I am looney too.
I am also doing the 180 but when he calls I make the kids answer the phone and talk to him. I am myself unavailable. I have only texted him once in 5 days, and when he replied to an email I had sent (first day) asking conditions of this separation, he got angry because I wouldnt talk to him. So Im not sure if it's working, but it is still quite early. There has been no talk about us, only our kids. He is suppose to pick them up for a full day this weekend and I will do the same. Be dressed very nice, pleasant and act like I need to go out without him...
Thanks for the support. I realized later that I had ignored my wife's rude message and after a little consideration, I chose not to say anything at all. I'm a little challenged to appear pleasant and happy but I can be resolute. This is the best I've felt in quite a while so the program has been good for me. My wife can fend for herself.
Based on some advice in an earlier thread, I am doing the MW 180 program with my fallen out of love wife. Hasn't done anything for my marriage but it's really done a lot for me.
So my wife and I communicate by text message and she can be really rude. Should I use the same tone?
Man here.
Since I don't know your history, I have a question:
Your "fallen out of love wife".... Is there or was there someone else?
If so, that changes your approach and could alter your decision going forward.
As far as the 180... It works. However, you need to also apply it to texting.
If she's being rude, let her be rude.... BY HERSELF!!! Why are you positioning yourself to be abused. Albeit via text or in person.
The best weapon is the 180. DISAPPEAR from her life!!
Let her wonder why she doesn't get to you anymore.
Don't be afraid to let her know that if she's "fallen out of love" with you, that you're prepared to move on. Tell her that you're considering giving her what she wants.
Go join a gym, take a hobby, do anything you can to give her all the space she needs.
make it your business to let her feel as if you've moved on with your life.
Here's the key. No need to fake it either..... Doing that might actually open your eyes. Why would you really want someone that doesn't love you?... If that's the case. But she needs to be tested. Test her!!
She says she doesn't love you?.... Let her see that you'll leave.
Then go from there.
And honestly, if she truly doesn't love you, you should consider moving on. I went through this, and as soon as they lose you, they want you.... unless they have someone else
There is no "someone else" here. She gets her emotional support from her friends. Thanks to all for your support. I have gotten sufficient clarity to become ambivalent about whether she stays or goes. We have three kids under 10 and a bunch of marital assets so I'm not real keen on breaking this up myself. However, if I could get her to move out so I could start dating, that could be a good thing.
[QUOTE=Ten_year_hubby;388331]There is no "someone else" here. She gets her emotional support from her friends. Thanks to all for your support. I have gotten sufficient clarity to become ambivalent about whether she stays or goes. We have three kids under 10 and a bunch of marital assets so I'm not real keen on breaking this up myself. However, if I could get her to move out so I could start dating, that could be a good thing.[/QUOTE]
Perfect... Now play it that way with her.
She said she doesn't love you, so ask her to leave. It's that simple.
She said she doesn't love you, so ask her to leave. It's that simple.
Do you want her gone?
Ask yourself that question.[/QUOTE]
She finds it close to impossible to communicate without being sarcastic or attacking or both. She says that I deserve to be yelled at (even more than I already have) and that I deserve her sarcasm. I'm probably not going to find this agreeable so she is currently talking her way out.
On the other hand, she is the kids' mom, she had a lot of bad times growing up in her family of origin and she's definitely not (even close to) rational. So I don't want to be overly harsh.
I have recently suffered the loss of my mother and I've always been told not to make a big life decisions for at least a year after an event like that. So I'm probably not going to take action for a while.
1) Should I let her be sarcastic or scornful in front of the kids? If not, should I take exception when the kids are present?
2) When she seeks me out to be abusive and force a conversation about her leaving, is it OK if I run away?
Don't "run" away. Calmly leave. You are not a coward.
And as far as her thinking you deserve her verbal abuse, she is wrong. She has issues that she masks with sarcasm.
I know this because I had a problem with sarcasm and it was a mask for my pain and fear (which I'm in therapy for). I've been 4 weeks without sarcasm and it's amazing for myself and my family.
Don't "run" away. Calmly leave. You are not a coward.
And as far as her thinking you deserve her verbal abuse, she is wrong. She has issues that she masks with sarcasm.
I know this because I had a problem with sarcasm and it was a mask for my pain and fear (which I'm in therapy for). I've been 4 weeks without sarcasm and it's amazing for myself and my family.
Be strong, but don't be a victim.
I don't consider myself a coward, but I am truly concerned that her pursuing me in a rage might result in any kind of bumping or other physical contact that could be construed as improper. This makes me want to get away fast
I don't consider myself a coward, but I am truly concerned that her pursuing me in a rage might result in any kind of bumping or other physical contact that could be construed as improper. This makes me want to get away fast
Well, in any case, don't run! Just remove yourself.
I don't consider myself a coward, but I am truly concerned that her pursuing me in a rage might result in any kind of bumping or other physical contact that could be construed as improper. This makes me want to get away fast
Is there a way you could simply "tune her out" for a while?
I mean, just ignore her. Show her that she can't get to you.
How to Communicate in the 180 
He said, I'm just so busy with work...blah! I was dressed up real cute to bring him something from the house and before we parted, he asked what I was doing tonight? My first response, I think I'm gonna go out to eat or get some take out... He says, by yourself? I say, yeah, it's cool. Really, what's he gonna think of that?
