stranded

Long story but not sure how else to condense it. I wrote this to get an outside opinion as to whether I should reject a job offer and stay put for my marriage (of three years) or move away and risk divorce but after writing this I think I have the answer . . .

Over the past year, I have been working in a job that has been very emotionally and mentally toxic. I am completely miserable and I can feel in my soul that this is not the path for me. I have communicated repeatedly to my husband just how bad it is for me and he would reply with dismissals like “just try harder at work, you need to get over it, etc.”

On top of this, I have been getting increasingly ill and I believed it to be due to the intense stress I am under. Then, about 2 months ago, I became severely ill and went to the hospital, after several doctors and many tests it turns out that I am severely allergic to animals and I’m a veterinarian (who graduated school last year). My doctors pulled me out of work because of how sick I had become and because of how high-risk I was for further reactions and illness. I have been out on medical leave ever since.

Throughout all of this my husband contends that I’m just overreacting and that I just need to back to work. I explained to him that I refuse to kill myself over a job that is causing me such emotional, mental, and now physical pain.

He travels for work and so he is gone during the week and he does not see how sick I’ve been and honestly when he’s away, I only get moments to speak with him and so I spare him the bad details of my day-to-day life. So all of this is kind of a bombshell. I had him come along to my allergist appointment recently to give him a little more insight. She explained to him that my condition is very serious and that I should not be exposed to animals currently as I am at risk of anaphylaxis. He seemed to understand but then I spoke with him today and he made a comment that implied that he felt I was lying to my allergist about how severe my reactions are. You can’t fake the allergy test for one and secondly is that how he views me? A liar? I spent my whole life (and ten years of school) working to become a veterinarian and now I’m finding out that I can’t be one or I could die from it. Does he think this is easy for me? My world has turned upside down! First it was just that I was in a job from hell and now its that I am threatening my health and life if I continue this course.

Throughout all of this (and over the past 10 months) I have been searching endlessly for a new job which is not an easy thing these days and whats worse is my scope has become severely limited. I’m a veterinarian who is looking for related employment but without animal contact. Not too many of those jobs exist but the upside of it is my husband travels for work and so as long as he lives near an airport we can move to many places. He encouraged me to look at other cities.

In ten months I have gotten two interviews. One was a month ago and I got rejected, the other was two weeks ago and I actually got a job offer from it. It’s at a prestigious university in an administrative position that would help transition me into a different field of veterinary medicine. It would be a significant pay cut but the value of the connections, experience, and great/healthy work environment is a big plus. I want to accept but it’s in a different city. My husband says he cant move there and he’s disgusted that I want to move to and take a ‘lower’ position. “Isn’t that humiliating?” he said. I explained that it’s not a lower position, just a different one and besides, I’m in a very tough situation and I’m not afraid to swallow my pride in exchange for a happy, healthy life.

I am seriously considering saying to hell with it and take the position. I have been suffering in many ways over the past year and again and again my husband leaves me high and dry. He tells me I’m the problem, I’m a liar, I’m humiliating myself, I’m not doing things right. He said he does not support my changing fields. I cried when I didn’t get the first job and he coldly told me I was overreacting. He is emotionally dead to me and is really a ghost of a husband as I never see him during the week and on the weekend he’s miserable and complains about everything I do or don’t do. I have tried so hard through all of this to be a loving and supportive wife to him but he does not reciprocate.

As I see it, I have a rare opportunity to escape my current situation, better my chances at changing fields and avoid unemployment through this new position. If he doesn’t want to come, then I guess thats it. He doesn’t really give me any incentive to stay.

I love him dearly and when I graduated last year I envisioned us having stable jobs and starting a family in the very near future. Now when I hit a road block in life he leaves me in the ditch to claw my way out alone. He has not been my partner, he has been my antagonist through all of this. What humiliates me the most from all of this is my husband not supporting me, not being there for me, not fighting for me in my darkest hours. I don't think in a marriage that a spouse should ever feel this way. Am I overreacting?

maxter

Has your H always been this distant, selfish, and unsupportive since you got married? Or is this a recent change in behavior? Was he supportive while you were going through school? Need some more details about his behavior in the past and during other difficult times that you have experienced in the past three years.

omega

Wow, I completely understand where you're coming from with the allergy thing. I trained for many years post-undergrad to work in my field, a very specialized field that I happen to be superb at... but which requires almost non-stop traveling by multiple means (boats, buses, cars, etc.). About 3 years ago I began developing severe motion sickness. I am now at a point that I can take the subway (very stable) 2 stops, or I can walk, or I can ride in a car that my husband (ONLY my husband) drives at under 30 mph for no more than 10 minutes. Those are my options. I cannot get on a plane, boat, car, bus, train, etc., without taking drugs that make me very drowsy and make it very difficult for me to concentrate, which is absolutely essential for my job.

I have had to face the fact that I need to give up my career that I worked so hard for, that I was so good at, that I loved. I am now a housewife, not even a stay-at-home-mom. I do side jobs here and there that I can do from home. I cannot even do side jobs that require me to go across town. It is devastating. I can't tell you anything except I understand the feeling of the world being turned upside down.

Luckily for me, my husband has been very supportive, but the fact is that we can't make it on only one income and I live with the stress that I am basically unemployable in any field related to what I know how to do. I have lost so much self esteem and feel terribly guilty for my earning potential doing down the drain. Not to mention I have stopped traveling, which was my favorite hobby for over a decade and which took me all over the world.

I can tell you that it doesn't have to be like this with your husband if for no other reason than that my husband has been tremendously protective and supportive. He goes out of his way to find solutions, he will drive roads first without me to see if it looks like I should take drugs or not, he will gracefully get me off the hook for social events that require travel. Sometimes his sensitivity moves me to tears. I do not think you are overreacting. I hope so much that my post doesn't make you feel worse... I want you to know that you ARE worth more than your prior earning potential or your academic qualifications or your CV. You have tremendous value as a person, and as a wife, completely aside from those things. Husbands should protect their wives, by not supporting you in getting into a healthy position, he is endangering your health, and this must be so confusing for you.

My husband's job requires that his hands be extremely nimble. He had a very severe accident several years ago causing his right arm (he's right handed) to be completely shattered above the wrist. He had multiple surgeries and now he has almost full function back but there was always a very good chance that he would not be able to use his hand or use it very much. It would have ended his career completely. These things can happen in the blink of an eye TO ANYONE. He still hurts, when I massage his wrist I silently thank the universe for the surgeons and the healing but I KNOW in my heart that I would NEVER think less of him or belittle him if he had to take a job that was supposedly "below" him (all work is honorable for goodness sake).

Also I just need to say, as my illness is also invisible and since it's something many people periodically experience in a much more mild form, I know many people think I exaggerate or that I should just get over it. My husband does not accuse me of playing it up or claiming that it's worse than it is. I used to fear that he would think I was exaggerating, and so would try to hide it until I couldn't, and he told me that he preferred me to let him know immediately so we could take steps to prevent it. That is, to me anyway, the "right response" from a spouse. So, it's been done before, it that's what you're wondering.

solitudeseeker

I'm a licensed veterinary technician myself, and have a good career in laboratory animal medicine. It's no laughing matter (nor is it lying - good grief) when people develop severe allergies to animals. It's a heart-breaker.

I'm thrilled that you have been offered a job that will utilize your skills and keep you in the field. Of course, only you can make the decision, but if you are looking for a nudge, I say go for it. Your husband has clearly demonstrated how unsupportive and cold he can be. Not to mention the fact that calling you a liar and accusing you of over-reacting is astonishingly disrespectful.

I have my doubts that he will ever be a good partner for you. This behavior is unlikely to change. You stay with him, he'll find something else to make you feel crummy about down the road. Good luck!

Avalon

If you can't get support and respect from the ONE person on the planet who should be able to give it to you, then I vote for you to take the new job. Your job is causing stress and major health issues, and you're getting stress from home/marriage also. It's a lose-lose situation, IMO.

And speaking of allergies, they ARE NOT TO BE TAKEN LIGHTLY!!!! My mother died of anaphylactic shock from a yellow jacket sting. No warning that she had a deathly allergy, she had been stung several times before without a bad reaction, and it only took that one time. It's a huge health hazard to you, and if that alone is not enough to shake some sense into your husband, then you don't need him.

stranded

Throughout school he seemed supportive and I had stressful times for sure but nothing this epic. However, there have been times where I have been shocked by what appears to be his disconnection to me. For instance, about 2 years into our relationship (9 years total) I had an accident where I was hit by a car while riding my bicycle, he was ahead of me on his bike when this happened. I went to the hospital but luckily came out with just a wicked case road rash and some temporary memory loss. When my parents arrived they turned to H and said "Wow, you must have been terrified seeing her like that!" and he flatly replied, "No, I knew she was OK". I was kind of embarrassed by this response and it has always stuck with me.

It's weird, he acts as though he loves me and supports me but whenever things get really ugly he seems so far away from me, he becomes judgmental, and so resistant to showing sympathy. When I told him how much it hurt me when he dismissed my getting upset over job rejection he said he felt bad about it all day and he didn't know what to say so he chose to say nothing at all.

stranded

Omega, Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear of your condition, it must be so hard to cope with but it helps to know that others have gone through a similar situation. I know the feeling of frustration with limitations, the despair that can come with it and the distress that others will dismiss your "invisible" disability. I'm glad that your husband has been so supportive through everything, even test driving roads for you! That's what I think a great spouse would do and it's great to know it has been done Thank you for your encouraging words.

Thanks everyone for your input too. When speaking with friends and family, they have an emotional stake in this and so it's hard to get an outside viewpoint. I really appreciate your comments