I am an 42 year-old man who is married to a 51 year-old woman. We have been together for over 20 years and have no children. We met when we both worked in the same grocery store. We had been together, but not married, for most of that time. We only got married six years ago this fall.
She had been ill with a muscle disease (fibromyalgia) while we were dating and has been on disability for many years. She was not petite when we got together, but not what I would call heavy either. Now she is morbidly obese and has been for a number of years. I have been telling her for years to lose the weight. Besides complicating her fibromyalgia, she has sleep apnea and has developed high blood pressure recently. Besides all of that, it does totally kills my desire for sex (we have not had sex for over a year). When we talk about it...actually when I try to talk to her about it, she promises she will get better with her eating habits (which suck), but it never happens. She has tried eating healthier a few times, but it never lasts.
She does not keep our home clean. It is always junky and dusty with dog hair on the carpet. If we are having company around the holidays, I end up doing the majority of the cleaning...what I call marathon cleaning. If someone does happen to drop in, which does not happen that often, I am mortified. I understand that she is sick, but she is not bed-ridden by any means. I think a lot of it is laziness.
She used to cook all the time. Now, the majority (75%) of our meals are either processed, frozen or boxed. I have even gained some weight because of it.
I do not deny that I have my own faults. I have been lazy for the past year or so with repairs/improvements around the house. I chalk it up to being depressed about the whole situation. I also have a thought in the back of my mind (and I have told her)...why should I paint and make it look nice when the house in a mess?
I find myself wondering if I have made a 20+ year mistake. I sometimes (well, a lot of the time now) think that I would be happier if I was on my own for a while. However, the thought of divorce scares me. This is my first marriage (her second). I only make $40K a year and she only has her disability payments. The state we live in is no-fault, so she would get half of my 401K. I also worry about trying to sell our modest ranch house in this market. I also don't know if I would have to pay her spousal support. It's a lot to think about. It seems overwhelming to even consider. And, despite how bad things are, I would worry about how she would make it on her own. Money is tight the way it is between the mortgage, car payment, insurances, etc, etc, etc.
As far as finances is concerned, it will definitely be hard. There are states that automatically splits all the properties and money in half after ten years of marriage. Since she only receives disability, there is a great chance that you will pay spousal support.
But...finances aside, would you be willing to spend 20 more years in your marriage going through what you've gone through?
Obesity is one of the biggest problem in America, it's hard to get out of it, but not impossible. I can't even give advice to try counselling, since in the 20 years of marriage, I think you've done that. This is a tough situation you're in. But tough for your wife as well, since she knows there's something wrong, and she might lose her marriage but could not bring herself to fix it.
ProfJ, she has seen a psychiatrist and therapist for years and years. I do not. I went once with her, but am not a therapy person. It was essentially all about the sex issue. I am one that tries to avoid confrontation and spare feelings. I danced around it, but could not come right out and say "You got fat and I don't find you sexually attractive any more". I'm sure she knows it though. She knows things are not right, for sure.
I have talked to her about the weight until I am blue in the face. Around Easter, I actually told her that I have been close to giving her an ultimatum once or twice. She didn't ask what that would have been, but I assume she knows what I meant. Still, it's all empty promises.
I never thought that I would come to resent her and feel trapped in a marriage that I no longer want to be in. Unless things change, which I doubt, I don't know that I can last much longer.
Romantic love is not unconditional. People change, and if she has changed into someone who is not an acceptable partner for you, I think you should try to own that ("this isn't the way -I- want to live") as much as possible and go find the life you want. Whatever made her gain the weight - the disability, the disease, lack of exercise - it doesn't sound like she's willing to address it. Maybe you should be clearer with her about the effect her weight gain has had on you. (I know you think "she must know" and I'm sure part of her does, but denial could also be protecting her from painful realities.) Otherwise, you're being forced to choose between your marriage and your own happiness. That should be a no-brainer (not that it ever is, I know.) You may want to get your own therapist for the limited goal of helping you transition out in a way that is as respectful to your wife and marriage as you can be. This could be a matter of just a few meetings about what words to use or things to consider - you wouldn't have to lay on the couch for months. If you have an Employee Assistance Program that offers counseling over the phone, you might even get it that way, for free.
Does your state only recognize no-fault divorce, or is for-cause divorce also available? Frankly, you may have cause; it may not seem very sympathetic but you should talk to a lawyer about it briefly. Usually you can get a free or very low-cost consultation through your state's bar association.
xArielle, I actually work for a law firm (personal injury, not family law). So I do have a vast amount of knowledge at my fingertips if I require it. I would have to research it, but I do believe that the state I reside in does recognize No Fault as well as Fault.
You're right...I should be clearer with her. I just find it hard to be direct and confrontational. I have always been one who avoids confrontation. My twin brother always makes fun of me for that. I find myself mentally distancing myself from her. I think that is an effort to prepare myself for the possibility of telling her what I am thinking.
You're right. She does not seem willing to address her weight issue even when I explain to her the positive results for her health. As I said before, I have never been one for counseling but I am willing to consider it.
I am so torn between thinking that I would be so happy without all of this stress and the nightmare that going through it would be. Money is so tight right now that I can't see how either of us would survive on our own without living with a relative. And selling the marital house right now would also be hell. I think we'd probably be upside down in it...not due to 2nd mortgages or anything...just the market. It's certainly a lot to think about.
I can related to your issue about feeling like you resent your spouse and feeling trapped in a marriage. I to feel the same way. I resent my husband for a few things and I feel like I am trapped in a loveless marriage myself. We are not intimate in any way shape or form and haven't been for over 2 years. I know that a lot of people say that sex is not all there is in a marriage but it plays a role in it that is for sure. I think that sex is at least a way of showing a form of affection and love. If there is no affection from sex and no affection from anything else it seems like a waste of your life and happiness to continue on within the marriage. I have a post on her under the Considering Divorce or Seperation name unhappy and unsure if you want to take a look at it and get a clearer understanding of what I am going through.
She has seen a psychiatrist and therapist for years and years.
Wolf, welcome to the TAM forum. People rarely see a psychiatrist for "years and years" just for an obesity problem alone. What emotional problems has she been diagnosed with? If you haven't been told, it is time for you to find out by seeing your own psychologist and describing her symptoms. I found out -- the hard way after sending my exW to weekly therapy for 15 years -- that HER psychiatrist and therapist are not YOUR friends. They are ethically bound to protect her, even if you occasionally go along to the sessions.
Relying on your W's therapist for advice during the marriage is as foolish as relying on her attorney for guidance during the divorce. I say this because, if your W has a personality disorder causing her problems, the chances of her improving are very small -- and you likely have been wasting your life waiting for a train that will never pull into the station. (A rare exception to this is Pidge, who had the self awareness and ego strength to learn how to control her disorder -- so I'm very pleased to see that she joined the discussion here.)
The fibromyalgia, which my exW and her two sisters both have, is a big red flag to me. All three of them suffer from a PD. I therefore feel compelled to ask -- although, granted, this is a long shot -- whether your W generally is convinced that she is a victim and that other people are the source of all her problems? Does she usually do black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and frequently uses the phrases "you never..." and "you always..."? Does she lack impulse control?
I can related to your issue about feeling like you resent your spouse and feeling trapped in a marriage. I to feel the same way. I resent my husband for a few things and I feel like I am trapped in a loveless marriage myself. We are not intimate in any way shape or form and haven't been for over 2 years. I know that a lot of people say that sex is not all there is in a marriage but it plays a role in it that is for sure. I think that sex is at least a way of showing a form of affection and love. If there is no affection from sex and no affection from anything else it seems like a waste of your life and happiness to continue on within the marriage. I have a post on her under the Considering Divorce or Seperation name unhappy and unsure if you want to take a look at it and get a clearer understanding of what I am going through.
I hope all is well with you and your decision.
Thanks for your reply, undefined. Sorry it took a while...I have not visited this forum for a while. I will check out your post on my lunch break.
Hi Uptown and thanks for the welcome and your reply. I'm sorry if I misled you. I did not intend to insinuate that she was seeing her therapist for her obesity problem. She sees her for depression issues. She also claims a diagnosis of schizophrenia from her psych. I have only been to two sessions with her. One was for when she was dealing with sexual harassment at our place of employment (where we met). The other was for our "intimacy issues". The latter was years ago which shows how long this has been going on.
I don't know that she blames others for her problems. Maybe in a roundabout way. She claims that she started getting heavy to "protect" herself from male relatives (both step-fathers) who showed "interest" in her. I have tried telling her that she is married now and they are both long gone. She doesn't need to do that anymore. She acknowledges it, but then goes into how hard it is to lose weight. I can now throw it up in her face that smoking is too...and I quit cold turkey at the end of September. She still smokes.
I have taken matters into my own hands since my post back on 8-8. I shared what I am going through with my sister who lives out of state and she has seen the things I have. I have an appointment scheduled with a therapist on Friday after work. I told the W about it and she started with questions right away. "Why are you going?" I told her because of the issues I have been dealing with for years...her weight, intimacy issues, her not taking care of the house, etc. She asked if I would tell her what happens during the session. I told her that I would tell her HOW it goes, but not what was discussed. I told her that I need to work on me before I can work on us. She then asked to ask me another question and I cut her off and said no.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Uptown
Wolf, welcome to the TAM forum. People rarely see a psychiatrist for "years and years" just for an obesity problem alone. What emotional problems has she been diagnosed with? If you haven't been told, it is time for you to find out by seeing your own psychologist and describing her symptoms. I found out -- the hard way after sending my exW to weekly therapy for 15 years -- that HER psychiatrist and therapist are not YOUR friends. They are ethically bound to protect her, even if you occasionally go along to the sessions.
Relying on your W's therapist for advice during the marriage is as foolish as relying on her attorney for guidance during the divorce. I say this because, if your W has a personality disorder causing her problems, the chances of her improving are very small -- and you likely have been wasting your life waiting for a train that will never pull into the station. (A rare exception to this is Pidge, who had the self awareness and ego strength to learn how to control her disorder -- so I'm very pleased to see that she joined the discussion here.)
The fibromyalgia, which my exW and her two sisters both have, is a big red flag to me. All three of them suffer from a PD. I therefore feel compelled to ask -- although, granted, this is a long shot -- whether your W generally is convinced that she is a victim and that other people are the source of all her problems? Does she usually do black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and frequently uses the phrases "you never..." and "you always..."? Does she lack impulse control?
I think I would be happier alone 
