Just need someone to talk to.....
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Just need someone to talk to.....

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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Old 08-05-2011, 03:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just need someone to talk to.....

Right now, I have no idea what to do or think. My marriage is pretty much over, and I honestly don't even know if I still love my husband anymore. We had a rocky marriage, that became even worse once we had kids. We'll go through good times, but the bad times just bring me right back to my knees.
My husband is very verbally and emotionally abusive. Everytime we get into a fight, he calls me names and says stuff just to hurt me, which is SO hard on me.
I don't really have many friends and my family is pretty much impossible to talk to, so I have no one to talk to about him and I really need some advice.
He is self employed and I take care of the book work, it's a very small busniessm just him and I. So I don't get a paycheck, which makes my situation even worse.
This morning when I got to the shop he was going through and replying to emails. I noticed that he had a few typos and I so I pointed them out. He responded by telling me to shut the f*** up and call me a b****. When I asked him why he got so upset he told me that he hated me and continued to call me names, and then got up and went to work.
I went into a separate office and cried because I'm just so emtionally run down I can't take it. I ended up just going back home. But if he comes home tonight and I'm still upset about how he treated me this morning, he'll get mad at me about me, because somehow it's my fault.
We have two kids, 3 and 1. I have no income and no place to go if I leave him, which will affect the kids. I want to leave, but I don't know what to do that will be best for them. I've tried working on our marriage, but he thinks I'm crazy and I'm the problem. Am I?
He's mad at me right now also because his friend is going to Vegas for 4 days and I won't let him go along because we don't have the money.
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Old 08-05-2011, 03:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just need someone to talk to.....

Let him go to Vegas and go to a shelter while he is gone, you have 4 days to pack up the necessities and move. There are more resources available than you think, and no one should be subjected to cruel treatment. I should know I've been putting up with it for years, mine is fizzling away and I wonder if it more of a blessing than I know right now.
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Old 08-05-2011, 03:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just need someone to talk to.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by babybluesx2 View Post
My husband is very verbally and emotionally abusive. Everytime we get into a fight, he calls me names and says stuff just to hurt me, which is SO hard on me.

This morning when I got to the shop he was going through and replying to emails. I noticed that he had a few typos and I so I pointed them out. He responded by telling me to shut the f*** up and call me a b****. When I asked him why he got so upset he told me that he hated me and continued to call me names, and then got up and went to work.
Nobody deserves to be spoken to in this manner. Ever. And much less by your own husband.

He's not likely to change. Most abusers don't.
Can you get a job on the side to save money? Do you have family you can stay with? Your children should not be growing up in an environment where they see this and think it is ok when they get older, that this is what an healthy relationship is like between a couple.
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Old 08-14-2011, 12:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Communication is the Key

It's difficult when you have children and are feeling lost in your marriage - especially when you feel like there is a problem but the other half insists there isn't.
You're not crazy for feeling like there is a problem - when he calls you names that is not showing you respect, and guess what? That behavior will translate right on down to your children. They repeat exactly what they see, because they see it as accepted behavior. Not only does that affect how your child treats you in everyday interactions, it will affect how your child interacts with their peers, and in the future their own spouses. Yes, I speak from experience.
My husband's father was abusive to his mother (they are divorced now), so how did my husband treat his mother? With the same disrespect! He still doesn't respect her. He says he respects me, but he will still have behavior towards me that is disrespectful at times and I worry about when we have children how he will regard me in front of them.
When he says he hates you, whether or not he really means it, he's saying something that will hurt you, he is being malicious, and he is being unfair to you. No one in a friendship, let alone in a marriage, deserves this kind of language. He may later say, "I'm sorry," but unless he ceases that kind of language, he obviously doesn't understand the impact that his words can have.
Additionally, a husband should know when it would be harmful for his family to take a trip with friends - in this case he is only taking himself into consideration and he needs to understand that not only is this inconsiderate to you, it's inconsiderate to his children and as the provider for the household he is abandoning his responsibility to his family. Sure, he makes the money so he should be allowed to have fun, but obviously a trip to Las Vegas is not fun within reason. Going bowling or going out to eat with friends is fun within reason as far as your budget is concerned. It is irresponsible, it is selfish, and it is poor parenting on his part to even consider such a financial burden as his right.
You're wondering whether or not it will be harmful for your children if you leave. It is harmful to be in an environment filled with anger and tension. It is harmful to see Mommy sad and to not know why or what to do. It is harmful to hear Daddy yelling hurtful and mean things. They are young now, and this is the opportune time to start anew - once they are older and in love with the idea of family, that is an extremely difficult time to tear them away from your husband/their father. I should know. My parents separated when I was in eighth grade. I'm 23 now, and I can tell you it changed my life forever in a negative way.
As a child, even when the child doesn't blame his or herself for the dissolution of the marriage, there is a feeling of loss and a feeling of no control. There is nothing they can do to reclaim that family, there is nothing they can do to make their parents love each other again, and there seems to be no reason for all this hurt. All the child knows is that he/she is hurting, and whether or not it gets better it will never be the same.
An extremely young child (1 and 3, like yours) will adapt more easily to change and will benefit from being removed from a negative situation.
If you want to wait it out and see if it will get better, it won't. Remember that story I told you about my husband's parents? They were married for over twenty years - but they also had the same problems for over twenty years. Not unless you guys have a breakthrough in how you communicate will things change. Whether that be through counseling or a heart to heart talk or shocking him into realizing that he is losing his family is up to you and him. It is up to you to open that line of communication (since obviously he doesn't see the need) and it is up to him to respond appropriately. If he values you and he values his family, he should see that something needs to change. You don't need to change him and he doesn't need to change you - you both just need to learn how to better communicate and how to show each other love and respect. Ultimately, that is what marriage is all about.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just need someone to talk to.....

I myself have spoken to my wife in a way she feels abused , I don't relize it untill I have said it , I havent cussed he at all, never hit her, only when she tried to walk across a river on quaaludes,, but that was just a slapp about 30 years ago, we have been married 32 years , and seperated 2 months, it seems like 2 years, DON'T TAKE NO VERBAL ABUSE From ANYONE, you are a better person thna he is, seek help for him and you, its hard i know, I truly know we all do here
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Old 10-09-2011, 04:00 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just need someone to talk to.....

What's WITH some people? You don't deserve it and you are quite correct to consider those two innocent children...3 and 1...above everything else. IMAGINE them turning out to be just like him...

As I look over my own crap of a life, I don't see how a man can treat his wife so poorly...but there ya go. You said: "Right now, I have no idea what to do or think."

Welcome to the club.
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