To be honest I believe him when he says he has changed for good. I believe him when he says he will never treat me that way again...but how do I get the trust back?
You say to have a heart and forgive him..well, I have forgiven him for so many things in the past I feel like my forgiveness has been worn out. When he told me he used to apologize just to basically shut me up...that hurt and makes me believe he might not be truely sorry now. I guess I should take my own advice here and tell myself that only time and patience will tell... but im tired of time, and waiting to see what is going to happen. I cant forgive him so easily this time, my head wont allow me to.
it sound to me, based on what you've said to this point, that you have forgiven him. to admit that, however, is a blow to your self-esteem or self-worth or self-whatever. i understand this thinking. he probably does too. do you?
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Wow..you are absolutely right. I have always said(to myself of course) in this relationship that I would forgive him of anything but an affair.
Part of me does feel like I have already forgiven him...but I cant admit that...to myself or him. It just makes me feel weak. I think it plays more on my self-worth than my esteem. But, a part of me doesnt want to forgive him because that makes me feel like he gets what he wants AGAIN, and I do not want this to happen. I know this sounds mean and I am not sure where it comes from because I am not a mean or vendictive person. I have never had a problem forgiving people of just about anything.
We had a long heart to heart last night and I told him how I feel about htis situation. The example I gave him is this.....say you have a friend that you really like, but they constantly use you and take advantage of your kindness and generosity but never give anything back. I dont know about the rest of you, but at a certain point I get fed up with and simply stop being that person's friend. We wont allow ourselves to be used by a friend or family member...but why is it we allow ourselves to be used by our spouse?
I do not know if he would understand your idea voi...but I do know he understands a LOT more than I gave him credit for. He told me last night that he has been posting on some marriage forums like this one and some of the women that respond to his post he sound just like me he says. They have been through this too and it is helping him understand me and where I am coming from better.
I am so glad I found this sight because it has helped me communicate with him better and understand his feelings. We tossed around the idea of going to see a counselor again.
It just makes me feel weak. I think it plays more on my self-worth than my esteem. But, a part of me doesnt want to forgive him because that makes me feel like he gets what he wants AGAIN, and I do not want this to happen. I know this sounds mean and I am not sure where it comes from because I am not a mean or vendictive person. I have never had a problem forgiving people of just about anything.
I think you have to separate what he did, from who you are. His actions are not a reflection of your worth. Forgiving him doesnt mean he got away with anything, or that you're allowing him to abuse you, it just means that you love him and are willing to give him another chance.
I wonder if you shouldn't consider a trial separation? My sister did this with her husband recently for about 9 months. She realized she loved him again and he has changed.They are now back together and doing well. Maybe just seeing life without him might make you begin to re-appreciate him and to fully forgive him for his past. Not saying it would work, but it MAY be worth a try. It sounds like you never really had your chance to be free and just think about YOU for 20 years.
I think you have to separate what he did, from who you are. His actions are not a reflection of your worth. Forgiving him doesnt mean he got away with anything, or that you're allowing him to abuse you, it just means that you love him and are willing to give him another chance.
If anything, you've proven how strong you really are!
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--M22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..... it always perseveres.
I wonder if you shouldn't consider a trial separation? My sister did this with her husband recently for about 9 months. She realized she loved him again and he has changed.They are now back together and doing well. Maybe just seeing life without him might make you begin to re-appreciate him and to fully forgive him for his past. Not saying it would work, but it MAY be worth a try. It sounds like you never really had your chance to be free and just think about YOU for 20 years.
THank you, and you are absolutely right. I have not been able to be ME for a long time. I have suggested a seperation several times, but he will have nothing to do with it. His thinking is that if he "allows" me to have that time apart from him it will make us grow farther apart. He thinks that if we are not together on a daily basis, I will not be able to see the full effects of this change in him. He has however told me that he will "stay right here until I kick him out"..meaning it would be for good...no in between. I know that may seem harsh, but in a way he may be right. By us not seperating and still bieng in the same house...it forces us to communicate. We have been communicating on a level which we NEVER have before and it is refreshing. It is so nice to be able to tell him something without him telling me I am wrong. Another reason he doesn't want a seperation is because he KNOWS I am stronger than I have ever been and he has told me that he believes I can handle anything right now, and that scares him.
My question now is how do I get him to stop being so extreme? He does everything for ME now, and it makes me feel selfish. As an example, he went grocery shopping last week..I expressed sometime throughout the week that I would like some yogurt(but we didnt have any at the time) so he bought some....my youngest son asked me how one of the flavors tasted and I told him to have one, its good, and he told me that Dad said he couldnt because Dad bought them for ME. Wow!
I have NEVER bought anything that everyone could not eat...if it is there in the cupboards, buy all means eat it if you want is my thinking. So I shared it all with my kids and I told him I did. I know it is the thought that counts...but geesh dont tell my kids they cant have something they like too because it is "mine".
My question now is how do I get him to stop being so extreme? He does everything for ME now, and it makes me feel selfish. As an example, he went grocery shopping last week..I expressed sometime throughout the week that I would like some yogurt(but we didnt have any at the time) so he bought some....my youngest son asked me how one of the flavors tasted and I told him to have one, its good, and he told me that Dad said he couldnt because Dad bought them for ME. Wow!
Hey Sprite...I have to admit, my first thought was, wow, his new obsessive focus is on YOU now...
You married an extreme guy...I don't know that you can get him to stop if that's who he is...as long as his focus is in the right place, it's a good thing...really...and my husband has said the same thing...I bought those for your mom...which is fine by me...doesn't mean I can't share but he just doesn't want the kids to gobble it all up and leave none for mom
is it a bad thing that he seems obsessed? Sometimes I think it is, but I like being the focus of his attention for a change. I just don't want him to forget about everything else in life like his kids. He has always been the type to only be able to focus and commit himself to one thing at a time. But I do like the fact it is now ME
If he completely ignores the kids now and only wants to spend his time energy with you, then yes, it can be a problem. But, if he is wanting to do special things just for you I think it is actually healthy for the kids to see that he cherishes you in that way...that's what they will then learn to expect from relationships as they get older. Kids are such an important part of a mom's life that if he is focused on making you happy it likely will naturally transfer to them...there are days when I see my daughter dealing with the latest middle school drama and talk to my husband about it & later I will see him shooting baskets with her in the driveway ... being their step-dad he doesn't always feel that natural connection and they don't always reach out to him but he wants us all happy at the end of the day.
No, he does anything BUT ignore the kids now. It's awesome to see them have the relationship they have now. He actually MAKES time for them now, and I am so happy for this. But it makes me feel guilty when he does stuff like the yougurt deal because the way the kids say "oh we can't, its for MOM...." then they slightly roll theirs eyes..I don't know how to react to that. It makes me feel like I should be sorry. When my H wasnt around, everything was for the kids, and now that he has finally stepped up to the plate, its NOT all about the kids any more. Granted they are teenagers and dont need "mommy" all the time, but this is a big change for them.
I have noticed a change in everyones level of happiness since this whole "new Dan" came about. I think the one thing that is breaking down my wall the most is seeing the relationship my kids finally have with a Dad that actually cares. I just don't want them to have to go through a broken promise or dream the way I have in the past.
It is a big change...it sounds very much like the change in my marriage. I had the same guilt (mine are teens too) about going out on dates again with my husband...they did make comments that I was never home anymore but in reality, I work from home and was always home or with them so a few hours out a few times a week was not something they were used to. Now I order them a pizza on those nights and I think they actually enjoy a few hours of freedom...I noticed my daughter's IPOD speakers on the dining room table so she must know she doesn't have to use her headphones while doing homework downstairs and my son, well, I don't even know he would know we were gone if I didn't tell him or if he didn't see the pizza!
My kids have rolled their eyes for the same things...and I just say 'awww he loves me' and then they roll their eyes again
But honestly, they want more than anything to know things are good with mom and dad, but kids (especially teens) can be very self-centered when it comes to the attention they get from their parents so I believe it's good for them to see parents giving each other some attention (at some point sooner than later they will be adults and it won't be all about them anymore)
Try not to focus on 'what if' as far as broken promises. Breaking down your wall is probably all that is needed for all of you to go forward as a happy family. Once the ball starts rolling, it just gets better. The kids are seeing that dad cares and dad is seeing how much they really need him, that his value and purpose within your family goes way beyond being a good provider.
Thank you so much Swedish! I have noticed that I have started to become a person I never thought I would be, and I don't like it. I have always been able to forgive my husband for anything, and i havent been able to do that lately. I have always been the positive one, and I am being negative most of the time. I am tired of being negative...thats NOT who I am, nor who I want to be. I have always been the one to hold the family together and I feel like I am not doing that now. But I also feel that if I just let myself go and be carefree like I used to be....things will go back to how they were before. I enjoy being the center of my husbands attention, but it makes me feel selfish. I enjoy when him and I go out and spend some time together without the kids, but it also makes me feel like I am neglecting them. I really enjoy when my husband helps me with the routine chores..but it also makes me feel like I am neglecting my responsibilities.
My kids are worried about us. They see Mom and Dad having 4hour long conversations that never happened before....they wonder what is up, but I think are afraid to ask. I havent told them about all of what is going on because I dont want them to worry. They know that "Mom and Dad are having a few problems" but they dont know the extent of it. But they do see us working through it. I asked my oldest son(he was the one who had the biggest problem with Dad..almost to the point of hating him) if what Dad is doing now, and how he is now, has made up for the past....and he told me yes. My youngest son is not one to talk about his feelings very often, but he is enjoying his Dad so much now. My youngest asked me one day a few weeks ago...how are you doing? and I told him I am fine(I am always fine to them) and he said NO...how are you really doing??(this was his way of asking me what is going on) and I simply told him that I wished I could forgive Dad as easily as he and his brother had...he simply told me, it will be ok, and he hugged me(which is not normal for him). I wanted to cry!
Now things are the way I always envisioned them...a truely happy family(for the most part). I am tired of keeping a part of my wall in place, but I feel if I dont keep it there, things will go back to how they used to be. I cant handle that again. I feel that my husband and I have been communicating on a level we NEVER have before and its great, but I dont want to lose that. I absolutely love the relationship he has with his boys, I dont want to EVER see that lost again. I am just afraid that if I let my guard down completely, what we have now wont stay and that makes me sad. I dont want to lose the family we have now. How can I be sure that wont happen? Part of the reason we are all so close now is because that wall is still there(although it is much much smaller than when I started posting here) and Dad/Husband is still trying to break it down. I just sometimes think that if he has nothing to work at, he will stop being this man. I really like this man he is now, he is fun, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel good about me, his kids absolutely adore him. How can I be sure we wont lose that if I do let my wall down? Thats my biggest fear right now.
okay sprite, i've read and read this thread, i can't figure out exactly what the "now problem" is with you two. i see alot of similarities between you and beth in the "resent" category. you guys both hold on to resentment for a long time. and regardless of the steps being taken to recify the situation. but your husband never committed adultery, right? he's never beat your kids physically, right? if you are having 4 hour conversations about ANYTHING, that's good, right. have you not become your own worst enemy with your resentment? does it not wear you down to the point that the "now" stuff if more difficult to deal with?
i wonder about forgiveness with you. really, have you? can you?
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separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
I enjoy being the center of my husbands attention, but it makes me feel selfish. I enjoy when him and I go out and spend some time together without the kids, but it also makes me feel like I am neglecting them. I really enjoy when my husband helps me with the routine chores..but it also makes me feel like I am neglecting my responsibilities.
I can relate to this...When you become accustomed to putting all of your time & energy into your family, it takes time to get used to having help and appreciating it for what it is. I find myself reminding myself that what I was doing before was 'too much' and what I have now is 'a normal balance.' The normal balance is what makes marriages stay strong, when you don't feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, overworked.
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Originally Posted by Sprite
Now things are the way I always envisioned them...a truely happy family(for the most part).
That's how I feel now too. My wall came down because I knew deep down it was the best thing to do for me and my family. I still have doubts and still have trouble fully opening up with my feelings, but at some point I just decided the wall was really just me trying to protect and control what is going on around me...I think it mainly came down to me feeling I will be fine no matter how things turn out but instead of spending time worrying about that I will just make the most of each day & if things go South it isn't for lack of putting myself out there and trying!
LMAO!!! I have forgiven him of so many things. Those are the things that I was able to let go of. Some of the things he did were too big to let go of so easily. But I am getting there. And yes it has worn me down, I am so tired of the resentment, but sometimes it just pops up on its own. We could be having a great day, and he might make a suggestion....a suggestion I made years ago, but he never listened to me then...and he sees my facial expression change and asks "what?"...a year ago I would have just gotten angry about it...today, its a different story, we can actually talk about it. It is kind of like a reminder to me to never let things get as bad as they were 2 years ago. WE hold on to the resentment so we don't forget. But I think my resentment is now turning to just bad memories and things not to do in the future.
My now problem is that I don't want things to change back. I want us to keep having conversations like we do, and the time we spend together to stay that way. I do not have any guarentee that once this is all "fixed" we will be as close as we are now. We, for once, have a common goal we are working on which is our marriage. If we don't have to work at it like we do now, what will become of it?
And yes I am a very forgiving person, I can forgive him. I am just not ready to tell him that because I am afraid we will fall back into the "routine" of marriage. I love the fact that we are working on something together. Something big and important! Deep down I know he will not change back to the person he used to be, and deep down I have already forgiven him. I am still here with him and do not plan on leaving or kicking him out unless we have a major malfunction(which I don't see happening).
We are on the road to recovery and have actually come to a turning point in our relationship. Actually I have come to a turning point(I think)! This is the 3rd Tuesday in a row that I am honestly able to say I am "good"...meaning I am happy with the way things are. Usually one of us or both of us will fall apart on Mondays, so we are both taking this as a good sign. I am actually starting to have moments where I feel I WANT to hug him or kiss him or tell him I love him, which I have not felt in a long long time. It feels pretty good. I just don't ever want it to go away again!!!
Re: I am a basket case and need some advice plese
If anything, you've proven how strong you really are!
