My marriage began 20 years ago when I knew all I wanted was to be with this man for the rest of my life. But through the course of these 20 years, my marriage has not turned out the way I always saw it, and my husband was not the husband or father I always thought he would have been.
We had dreams together which none of them have been completed other than having a nice house with a big back yard and 2 wonderful kids. My husband can tell you that he always got whatever he wanted, while I can not say the same.
I tell myself now that I should have known better from the beginning..but I was letting my heart guide me. Before we got married he "didnt love me" and "needed a change" so he broke up with me and within a week had himself another girlfriend. This went on for a year...then he dumped her and came back to me. And yes I took him back because he was who I wanted to be with. But, I should have known better when he showed up hung over to our wedding!!! Why the hell did I let that one slide?? because again I was letting my heart lead me. I should have known better when he wouldnt "let me" go to school(I wanted to be a hair stylist and nail technician).
So now we have been married for 20 years and as I look back..not even half of it was what I would really consider a good marriage. Sure I had my kids, i had a husband who makes good money, i had a house, I had security!
My husband eventually changed into this man that thought putting food on the table and providing his family with a house and cars and anything we wanted material wise was what a husband is supposed to do. So, while he got to have his friends and his drinking, bowling, shooting(he shot bow with the guys, but never actually went hunting), and bar nights, I got to stay home with the babies. This is basically when it all started to go downhill on my end. I loved being a stay at home Mom and am glad I got to have total control in how my kids were raised because i wanted to give them things i didnt have growing up like self esteem, free flowing creativity, and a stable Mother they could actually depend on(I wanted them to have a father they could depend on too, but that didnt work out so much). I finally talked to my husband and asked him what he expected from me....he didnt like the sound of that because he soon got rid of his friends, quit drinking and driving, stopped the bar nights....and spent time at home. This was all good for a short time.
But then he found something else to occupy his time and efforts which didnt really include his family. He got into car racing with his father. Oh sure, it started out all innocent and as a hobby, but as time passed he got way too serious about it and again our relationship started to suffer. So again I talked to him. We built a garage in our back yard so he could bring the race car over here(we were at his parents house almost every day of every week just so me and his boys could see him). So now I am thinking ..ok, he is going to change this up a little bit and start including his family in what he is doin...great!! And it was great, we were having fun tearing apart motors and rebuilding them together, going to the races as a family...it was awesome. But...it changed again and we were replaced with a racing partner. This meant we were no longer needed. So, I went back to being the house wife and taking care of things.
It got to the point where he was so focused on his racing that we missed family events(weddings, graduations, anniversary parties, etc). We could no longer plan anything on any weekend because he had to race. So...if we wanted to be a part of his life, we had to go racing with him...and we did! But it never made him realize all we wanted was for him to spend time with us. Even though I had basically begged him to help me find something we can do together as a family..he would promise we would...but we never did.
Throughout this marriage I have been denied anything I wanted..little things...but they added up over the years. I wanted to get out of the house for awhile and wanted a job..so...I was given the ok to get a part time job, but there were stipulations and rules. It had to be close to home, I could only work from Monday thru Thursday(becasue his Mom was babysitting while I went to work and she would not watch the boys on the weekends...and my husband was too busy with his race car to watch his own kids), and it had to be after the kids got home from school so I could still do all my house wifey stuff during the days. I ended up losing that job because I couldnt work the hours they needed me. So again I am back to being a house wife. I loved working and meeting people...it was great.
So, to pass the time, I started painting ceramics. this was all good because I could do it at home and still stay with the kids and he didnt have to be involved. So I painted, but it was a pain because I didnt have a kiln to heat my own items i was painting so I had to travel into town(it was close to home so it was ok, according to him, for me to take the boys just that far by myself) to have my stuff cooked. I asked if I could have a kiln so I didnt have to do that..and of course it was way too much trouble to put a 220 line into the garage for me to do that..so again...denied. So, I stopped painting..which I loved to do and was really good at! Back to being a house wife with nothing but husband and kids to take care of!
Why have I stayed this long so far you ask? It is because between the "i want to be somebody" stage(thats what I call it) and his racing stage...I was told that if he EVER caught me cheating(which I would never do, I am too loyal) I would never see my kids again. I was also told that if we ever divorced...no judge in their right mind would EVER give me custody of my kids with my messed up family background(biological mother left when i was 1, alcoholic father left when i was 9, mental and occasional physical abuse from step mother, druggie/prostitute sister). Silly me, I believed him because he was so intimidating and manipulative...why couldnt I be strong then? I would have left him right then and there. But no...I still had a job to do which was raise my boys, and I couldnt do that if I couldnt get custody of them( i didnt even want full custody..it would have to be shared).
There were so many things that should have thrown up flags to me, but I was hoping one day he would come around and be the husband and father we were looking for. My oldest son when he was about 10 years old caught me crying one day...he asked me..."why don't you just divorce him?"...WOW..he had no idea I was still here for him and his brother and I wasnt going to put that knowledge on him, so I just made excuses for his fathers behavior. i got into a bad habit of doing that...making excuses for him, not just to his kids, but his family and friends(what few he had left). Up until last year I think my oldest son really didnt like his father(my youngest never talks about it). We never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in so the kids basically just steared clear of him. But when he was out of town...man did we have fun...the kids and I would do all kinds of crazy fun things that we couldnt do with Dad around...but when he was on his way home...it was a white tornado job through the house(myhusbad wanted everything clean and perfect...yeah, like thats possible with small children)and we would spend the last hour before he got home cleaning everything up.
There are so many things I could go on for days!! I just don't know what to do now. Last year I talked to him yet again because the relationship was not what it is supposed to be and I was finally tired enough of being neglected and having my boys neglected that I told him I had enough and I was done! Wouldnt you know it...he changed again. Got rid of his race car and is spending time with us. The relationship he has with the boys is fantastic now...they forgave and forgot so easily..but I am having a hard time doing that. I am waiting for him to find something else that will take all his time away from the family.
The other dilemma I am in is there is someone else I have feelings for. This is a man that I have been talking to for a couple years. We started out as friends...and I dont know what happened...it turned into something more. I have never been unfaithful to my husband and from what I have read, this seems to be an emotional affair I am having...but there is something about this other man that will not let me let go of him. He knows my situation and we have communicated rather openly and honestly(which is something I never really had with my husband...even since the beginning of our marriage). We have tried to not talk to each other...we have tried no communication at all, it just doesnt seem to work. You know when something happens and you feel like you just have to tell someone or you are going to burst????? He is the one I think of calling, not my husband. And yes, I have told my husband about him...we are trying to work through it, but i cant get this other man out of my heart or thoughts. But I have also told him that if I do leave my husband, it wont be for him...it has to be for myself and I will want time alone...and he is ok with that and understands.
My husband tells me to folllow my heart because it has never been wrong....but my heart is not with him, and I have told him this. I also told my husband that the main reason I am still here is because of the boys. So he does know where I stand and how I feel, we have had some very in depth converstions in the past few months. I have come to realize that my heart was gone a long time ago. I have not been in love with him for many years. I have stayed because I was scared and out of obligation to my marriage vows and my kids. Never in a million years would I have thought I would ever be interested in another man besides my husband...but he lost my heart a long time ago, and now I dont know what to do. He has been trying so hard to right all his wrongs(and believe me..there are more than what I listed here...I was trying to be nice to him and not air all his dirty laundry to people).
He is trying to give me space, but I feel like I am being smothered. I walk down the hallway to the bathroom, and he asks...where you going?...does it really matter where I am going? I am not walking out the door...geesh...he constantly tells me he loves me, and I feel bad that I cant say it back and mean it. He told me it breaks his heart when I dont say it back...so I do say it back so I dont hurt him more. His whole world fell apart last year when I told him I was done...and now he is working over time to "fix it". I dont know if I will ever be able to trust that this new him is for real or not..and quite frankly sometimes I just want out. I have come to a point in my life where I am finally fed up with people telling me what to do and how I should behave(yes he has done that too).
Anyone have any advice or some great wisdom that could help me through this? And yes I pray every night that my head and heart can be cleared so I can figure out what to do. When he told me to follow my heart, I told him I did that before and it didnt work out so great..so now I let my head lead me...and my head is leading me away from him.
We had dreams together which none of them have been completed other than having a nice house with a big back yard and 2 wonderful kids. My husband can tell you that he always got whatever he wanted, while I can not say the same.
I tell myself now that I should have known better from the beginning..but I was letting my heart guide me. Before we got married he "didnt love me" and "needed a change" so he broke up with me and within a week had himself another girlfriend. This went on for a year...then he dumped her and came back to me. And yes I took him back because he was who I wanted to be with. But, I should have known better when he showed up hung over to our wedding!!! Why the hell did I let that one slide?? because again I was letting my heart lead me. I should have known better when he wouldnt "let me" go to school(I wanted to be a hair stylist and nail technician).
So now we have been married for 20 years and as I look back..not even half of it was what I would really consider a good marriage. Sure I had my kids, i had a husband who makes good money, i had a house, I had security!
My husband eventually changed into this man that thought putting food on the table and providing his family with a house and cars and anything we wanted material wise was what a husband is supposed to do. So, while he got to have his friends and his drinking, bowling, shooting(he shot bow with the guys, but never actually went hunting), and bar nights, I got to stay home with the babies. This is basically when it all started to go downhill on my end. I loved being a stay at home Mom and am glad I got to have total control in how my kids were raised because i wanted to give them things i didnt have growing up like self esteem, free flowing creativity, and a stable Mother they could actually depend on(I wanted them to have a father they could depend on too, but that didnt work out so much). I finally talked to my husband and asked him what he expected from me....he didnt like the sound of that because he soon got rid of his friends, quit drinking and driving, stopped the bar nights....and spent time at home. This was all good for a short time.
But then he found something else to occupy his time and efforts which didnt really include his family. He got into car racing with his father. Oh sure, it started out all innocent and as a hobby, but as time passed he got way too serious about it and again our relationship started to suffer. So again I talked to him. We built a garage in our back yard so he could bring the race car over here(we were at his parents house almost every day of every week just so me and his boys could see him). So now I am thinking ..ok, he is going to change this up a little bit and start including his family in what he is doin...great!! And it was great, we were having fun tearing apart motors and rebuilding them together, going to the races as a family...it was awesome. But...it changed again and we were replaced with a racing partner. This meant we were no longer needed. So, I went back to being the house wife and taking care of things.
It got to the point where he was so focused on his racing that we missed family events(weddings, graduations, anniversary parties, etc). We could no longer plan anything on any weekend because he had to race. So...if we wanted to be a part of his life, we had to go racing with him...and we did! But it never made him realize all we wanted was for him to spend time with us. Even though I had basically begged him to help me find something we can do together as a family..he would promise we would...but we never did.
Throughout this marriage I have been denied anything I wanted..little things...but they added up over the years. I wanted to get out of the house for awhile and wanted a job..so...I was given the ok to get a part time job, but there were stipulations and rules. It had to be close to home, I could only work from Monday thru Thursday(becasue his Mom was babysitting while I went to work and she would not watch the boys on the weekends...and my husband was too busy with his race car to watch his own kids), and it had to be after the kids got home from school so I could still do all my house wifey stuff during the days. I ended up losing that job because I couldnt work the hours they needed me. So again I am back to being a house wife. I loved working and meeting people...it was great.
So, to pass the time, I started painting ceramics. this was all good because I could do it at home and still stay with the kids and he didnt have to be involved. So I painted, but it was a pain because I didnt have a kiln to heat my own items i was painting so I had to travel into town(it was close to home so it was ok, according to him, for me to take the boys just that far by myself) to have my stuff cooked. I asked if I could have a kiln so I didnt have to do that..and of course it was way too much trouble to put a 220 line into the garage for me to do that..so again...denied. So, I stopped painting..which I loved to do and was really good at! Back to being a house wife with nothing but husband and kids to take care of!
Why have I stayed this long so far you ask? It is because between the "i want to be somebody" stage(thats what I call it) and his racing stage...I was told that if he EVER caught me cheating(which I would never do, I am too loyal) I would never see my kids again. I was also told that if we ever divorced...no judge in their right mind would EVER give me custody of my kids with my messed up family background(biological mother left when i was 1, alcoholic father left when i was 9, mental and occasional physical abuse from step mother, druggie/prostitute sister). Silly me, I believed him because he was so intimidating and manipulative...why couldnt I be strong then? I would have left him right then and there. But no...I still had a job to do which was raise my boys, and I couldnt do that if I couldnt get custody of them( i didnt even want full custody..it would have to be shared).
There were so many things that should have thrown up flags to me, but I was hoping one day he would come around and be the husband and father we were looking for. My oldest son when he was about 10 years old caught me crying one day...he asked me..."why don't you just divorce him?"...WOW..he had no idea I was still here for him and his brother and I wasnt going to put that knowledge on him, so I just made excuses for his fathers behavior. i got into a bad habit of doing that...making excuses for him, not just to his kids, but his family and friends(what few he had left). Up until last year I think my oldest son really didnt like his father(my youngest never talks about it). We never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in so the kids basically just steared clear of him. But when he was out of town...man did we have fun...the kids and I would do all kinds of crazy fun things that we couldnt do with Dad around...but when he was on his way home...it was a white tornado job through the house(myhusbad wanted everything clean and perfect...yeah, like thats possible with small children)and we would spend the last hour before he got home cleaning everything up.
There are so many things I could go on for days!! I just don't know what to do now. Last year I talked to him yet again because the relationship was not what it is supposed to be and I was finally tired enough of being neglected and having my boys neglected that I told him I had enough and I was done! Wouldnt you know it...he changed again. Got rid of his race car and is spending time with us. The relationship he has with the boys is fantastic now...they forgave and forgot so easily..but I am having a hard time doing that. I am waiting for him to find something else that will take all his time away from the family.
The other dilemma I am in is there is someone else I have feelings for. This is a man that I have been talking to for a couple years. We started out as friends...and I dont know what happened...it turned into something more. I have never been unfaithful to my husband and from what I have read, this seems to be an emotional affair I am having...but there is something about this other man that will not let me let go of him. He knows my situation and we have communicated rather openly and honestly(which is something I never really had with my husband...even since the beginning of our marriage). We have tried to not talk to each other...we have tried no communication at all, it just doesnt seem to work. You know when something happens and you feel like you just have to tell someone or you are going to burst????? He is the one I think of calling, not my husband. And yes, I have told my husband about him...we are trying to work through it, but i cant get this other man out of my heart or thoughts. But I have also told him that if I do leave my husband, it wont be for him...it has to be for myself and I will want time alone...and he is ok with that and understands.
My husband tells me to folllow my heart because it has never been wrong....but my heart is not with him, and I have told him this. I also told my husband that the main reason I am still here is because of the boys. So he does know where I stand and how I feel, we have had some very in depth converstions in the past few months. I have come to realize that my heart was gone a long time ago. I have not been in love with him for many years. I have stayed because I was scared and out of obligation to my marriage vows and my kids. Never in a million years would I have thought I would ever be interested in another man besides my husband...but he lost my heart a long time ago, and now I dont know what to do. He has been trying so hard to right all his wrongs(and believe me..there are more than what I listed here...I was trying to be nice to him and not air all his dirty laundry to people).
He is trying to give me space, but I feel like I am being smothered. I walk down the hallway to the bathroom, and he asks...where you going?...does it really matter where I am going? I am not walking out the door...geesh...he constantly tells me he loves me, and I feel bad that I cant say it back and mean it. He told me it breaks his heart when I dont say it back...so I do say it back so I dont hurt him more. His whole world fell apart last year when I told him I was done...and now he is working over time to "fix it". I dont know if I will ever be able to trust that this new him is for real or not..and quite frankly sometimes I just want out. I have come to a point in my life where I am finally fed up with people telling me what to do and how I should behave(yes he has done that too).
Anyone have any advice or some great wisdom that could help me through this? And yes I pray every night that my head and heart can be cleared so I can figure out what to do. When he told me to follow my heart, I told him I did that before and it didnt work out so great..so now I let my head lead me...and my head is leading me away from him.