I am actually starting to have moments where I feel I WANT to hug him or kiss him or tell him I love him, which I have not felt in a long long time. It feels pretty good. I just don't ever want it to go away again!!!
Holding back your love is not the way to foster more love. Give him his reward, before he gets to heaven
I know you worry about him slacking off and taking it easy, but part of that is a projection from you. You are worried that YOU will slack off and take it easy. Don't let all the good stuff come from him. In good marriages, the spouses compete to see who can make the other the happiest.
It's not about effort. To use your above quote as an example, you are actually using effort to suppress giving him a hug. It would have been easier to have hugged him, and let the words of love bubble out from your mouth.
All the time we project on to our loved ones. The person who catches that and turns it around is a rare, rare individual indeed.
I know you worry about him slacking off and taking it easy, but part of that is a projection from you. You are worried that YOU will slack off and take it easy. Don't let all the good stuff come from him. In good marriages, the spouses compete to see who can make the other the happiest.
Well put, MT. Resentment and fear are excellent barriers to putting yourself out there, but once you make that leap and just starting giving, making your spouse happy marriage doesn't feel like work.
its so nice to hear a success story... I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you... Jason suggested I check out your thread to show that sometimes the hard work does pay off in the end... Sadly my marriage seems doomed my wife has no desire to try and save what we had or still could have...
I wish you continued success and much happiness in your life...you deserve it...
MT, just so you know, I do not supress what ever it is I may be feeling at a particular moment(now...a year ago sure...but not now). I came to the conclusion that if I dont act on how I am feeling at the moment, it does no good in the process I am going through to be myself. Good, bad or indifferent. If I feel like hugging him, I do..same with kissing him and telling him I love him..same with if I get upset and need him to understand why something upset me.
I want to thank all of you for your insight and advice. It has helped me a lot. I also want to thank you all for being so positive in your responses. When I first started posting here, I was leaning towards divorce...and if your responses would have been leaning that way too, I might not have stuck around to see how good it really can be. I especially want to thank Voivod....your thread and story helped me the most. It really amazes me how many couples actually go through hard times, and they seem to be pretty close to the same reasons...lack of communication...loss of respect..and loss of what brought them together in the first place.
We were talking about a month ago, and Dan told me his biggest fear was that he would die before we got our issues solved. He was afraid that something would happen to him and he would never hear me tell him I loved him again..and mean it. That killed me! I began to ask myself what kind of person am I to keep him feeling so bad?!?!?!? I think that was when I started letting my heart take back over. I am glad I did!
I am no longer in need of advice on my thread, we are on the right track and working together to keep it this way. But, I may come back if I have a bad day, or if my head wants to be stubborn and take back over(which I honestly hope it never does)!
Ok, I lied! I still do need advice. Here I am a month after my last post, and I feel like I am back to square 1.
I have no idea what happened in the past 2 weeks, but some how I lost the feelings I explained above. I am back to feeling like I don't love him, and I do not know what happened to bring this on. There are mornings I wake up and just lay in bed a little longer so I don't have to be with him or talk to him. I find that the things that bothered me about him before...the things I tried to push to the back of my mind telling mysef they didn't matter...are bothering me again. I find myself hoping he doesn't say he loves me before we hang up the phone because I don't want to have to respond back.
How do you know it will pass? And how am I supposed to just let it evaporate?
Do I just tell myself to get over it and force myself to forget it and move on?
Is this a "normal" thing when when you are trying to repair a marriage? I honestly didn't think I would fall back into this feeling again and i feel lost. I don't know what to do now.
Yes it is normal to go up and down. few situations in life are a straight line graph. Just wait and it will pass. Not indulging in the feeling too much will make it pass quicker. Not picking fights with H while you have these feelings will also make it go quicker.
It may help to apologise to him if you have been snappy lately. Just say, you've been having a bad few days, and you need a few hugs. Telling him you need him may help both of you.
But I have to say, most feelings are actually an illusion, so you don't need to take them too seriously. Just enjoy the feelings as they come and go, even the sad ones and the empty ones.
I try not to indulge in my feelings no matter what they may be at the moment. I know that I have a depression issue in the months of Jan-Mar. so I try not to make major decisions during these months. And I constantly apoplogize for my mood swings. I don't get snappy very often because I just bite my tongue knowing it will pass in a few months. But I can't help these feelings I have for him. Usually I keep everything bottled up inside until the months pass and I can be a better judge of if the feelings I am having are for real or just my depression kicking in. He does understnad this, but I get so tired of him saying "we need to talk". He just still doesn't get it that I don't want to talk about this all the time. But if I don't, then I have to deal with his emotional ride and I hate it. I have a hard enough time keeping myself in check without haveing to make him feel better about our situation or himself.
I can not honestly tell him that I need him because I don't. Sure I may need a hug from time to time, or a shoulder to cry on, but since he has pretty much alienated me from the outside world over the years, I have no friends that I can do that with.
I don't believe that feelings are illusions. I think feelings are what allow you to understand how you truely feel in a situation. I can't enjoy the feelings as they come and go because I am tired of feeling bad for him that I don't love him as much as he seems to love me right now. I don't want him to be lonely and I don't want him to hurt or be sad. So it's easier for me to keep him happy than concentrating on my own happiness.
There was a time when all I wanted was him, but after so many years of being pushed aside, those feelings are gone and I don't know how or if they will ever come back. I realized something the other day....if we were not married and we were just "going steady", I would have broken up with him years ago. ALso, if I knew back then what I know now...I honestly don't think I would have married him, and I sure as hell am never going to renew my vows to him. Should that be telling me something or am I reading too much into it?
Re: I am a basket case and need some advice plese
