Feeling inconsequential please help! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-10-2011, 08:33 PM Thread Starter
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Feeling inconsequential please help!

in•con•se•quen•tial
adjective
1. of little or no importance; insignificant; trivial.
2. inconsequent; illogical.
3. irrelevant.

Eight months ago I found a box full of old pictures, letters, hotel stubs, and “I want to have sex with you notes” that belong to my wife and the mother of my children. I was told this is inconsequential. Several weeks ago my wife confided that she wasn’t really in love with me when we were dating or even in the beginning of our marriage. At that time she was involved with at least two of the guys whose letters and pictures she had stored. If she wasn’t in love with me, then which one of these guys was she in love with? The boyfriend or the guy she was cheating on him with? Inconsequential? A few years ago, my wife was talking to a guy on facebook. One of his messages was “Are you gonna cum see me?” When I asked my wife about it, she said she fooled around with him a long time ago. She couldn’t even remember it, it was inconsequential. Around the same time, she was also talking to an ex-boyfriend. The nature of their relationship, which I learned in a letter to a future boyfriend, was mostly sexual. She asked me if I would mind her meeting him for lunch. She was curious how he was doing. She claims her memory for these things is very poor, but to want to meet him for lunch, I would think she remembered something. By her definition, what happened in the past was inconsequential, so I wonder why she would be interested in how he was doing. Wasn’t this ex-boyfriend, inconsequential? That was three years ago. I only saw a few innocent messages exchanged over facebook, so I am wondering how a lunch date was brought up or discussed. In fact, I don’t know if she actually met him for lunch or not. She has never said either way. He is still one of her friends on facebook, but I haven’t seen another message since that time. During the last eight months I have tried everything conceivable to open lines of communication with her. I’ve read many articles on the subject, tried to follow a 9 week program with her (she stopped reading them after 3 weeks), and I have even gone so far as to create pseudonym email addresses for us so she would feel free to discuss anything without consequence, discounting it to imagination. She only replied to me twice, she didn’t like the idea. She claims to have no imagination, independent sexual desire, or sexual fantasies of any kind. The only things I do know are things she has let slip during sex. Usually they are things like “I remember the first time I did that”, or “I remember the first time that happened”. It would appear to me that her memory isn’t as bad as she claims. Over the years she has made a few vague references to things and events, but will not discuss it when it’s brought up later. During sex, she will typically keep her eyes closed and when I ask her what she is thinking the answer is always “nothing”. I know by her letters and the little bits of information I have picked up over the years that she was, at one time, a very sexual person. I know she is embarrassed discussing these things with me, so I have rarely pressed her on the issues. When I do, she instantly becomes angry, defensive, and often deflects it back on me, claiming I am trying to cause a problem. The problem I have with all this is not her past or what she is thinking now. I am having trouble being intimate with my wife because I am wondering what is on her mind, or who. I am jealous of the fact that she could write 3 page intimate letters to boyfriends and lovers yet I have never received one myself, not even so much as a quick intimate note or email. The person that I am with everyday and the person in those letters are such polar opposites that I have to wonder which one is real. The only logical concussions I can draw are, she is either completely disinterested in sex, or she is disinterested in sex with me. I know that all of her adult life she has changed relationships every few years. She has been with me longer than anyone before. I wonder if she just wants to move on but feels trapped. To my knowledge she has never been unfaithful to me, but I attribute that more to our three children then her affection towards me. I am not blameless in our troubled relationship, but I am not completely at fault either. She tells me how I feel is inconsequential, irrelevant, without consequence. The truth is the consequences are significant. After ten years of marriage to the woman I love and three beautiful children I am seriously considering long-term separation and possibly divorce. It seems like such an extreme thing to do considering all I want is for her to set aside a few inconsequential moments of her time to talk to me about these things.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-10-2011, 09:38 PM
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

She married you because you were more stable and reliable than the other men she found to be more sexually exciting then you. At the time she valued security and stablity over excitement because she wanted children and wanted a stable provider to create a home and pay the bills. She roleplayed a part (a woman who was in love with you) in order to get you to sign the contract of marriage - this seems to be very much like sociopathic behavior in my view.

She is now tired of being "bored". She is getting older and she wants exciting times back in her life. The marriage / mother routine is just old news and boring for her. It is highly probable she has cheated on you on numberous occassions during your marriage due to her past history as a bimbo. She views you as a naive "nice guy" and she has no real fear of divorce because she knows she will wipe you out financially in the event of a divorce since there are children invovled - she keeps the kids and the home - you move out of the home and pay and pay and pay.

I have never married because I do not understand how women think - I have never married because I do...............

Last edited by NotaGoodSlave; 08-10-2011 at 09:59 PM.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-10-2011, 09:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

I'm not naive or the "nice guy". Our initial relationship was mostly sexual. I don't believe she has cheated. I feel more this is a problem of her being able to open up and a low sex drive. Bimbo hardly seems like an adult term to use for someones wife. Thanks for replying even if it was utterly useless.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-10-2011, 10:44 PM
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

Hi Inconsequential...few things to consider: 1) we all get older. maybe a) biologically...estrogen may be down...not enough hormones to drive that libido b) getting older and not feeling attractive. 2) feelings of depression 3) is she on any meds? 4)exhausted

i can see from what you're sharing with us is that you want to be able to speak with your wife and this intimate relationship (emotionally, verbally, physically), but how to open her up to it is difficult. how about using her own tactic? such that you mail her a love letter with all the naughty things you'd like to do to/with her. if you speak on her level then maybe that's how best she can be reached.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-10-2011, 11:02 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

Thanks for the post. I have considered those factors as to the cause of her lowered libido. She is not on any meds but the other things could be a factor. I have tried writing her but she hasn't responded to that. I also feel uncomfortable writing to her like that at this point.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-11-2011, 03:30 PM
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

Inconsequential,

First off, take no offense to this. This is a great site and everyone here is trying to help.

Second off, a lot of what you write does in fact have "Nice Guy" written all over it. Please go to the Mens forum and read the stickies at the top of the forum. You may just find parts of yourself in that write up.

I get the impression that you don't want to rock the boat, so to speak, with your wife. So, in essence, you are letting your personal boundaries be easily broken by your wife. Go to the Mens forum, and search for Boundaries, and how to hold onto them. If you don't hold onto your boundaries, what happens is your wife loses respect for you (you become less Alpha in your ways, and exhibit too much Beta). This is a turn off for women, and leads to a lessened sexual attraction by your wife towards you. Don't laugh at this. This is ten million years of evolution at work, operating at even a subconscious level. Go to marriedmansexlife.com. Read the posts there. It's good advise for getting some Alpha bad boy strong man in control type of behavior back in your relationship.

Next, visit the Mens forum, and look up on relationship thermostats and emotional barometers. You may be the hotter more affectionate person in your relationship, and the dynamics are skewed. Also good advise if you read the posts.

Next, as part of your "Alpha" journey....protect your marriage. NotAGoodSlave has it right, in that she was looking for stability during her child-making, man-provider search. Now that this is "fulfilled", she's looking for Alpha bad boys again. This needs to be you. Not an ex.

As far as the exes go....wtf! Never ever tolerate that kind of behavior from your wife. This is now part of your manning up journey. Tell her flat out NO FKN way are you to ever contact, email, phone, or go for lunch with an ex. And if she ever brings up a comparison between you and an ex in such a disrespectful manner again, then tell her she's free to leave if she wants. The kids stay with you. This seems counter intuitive, but it's all about gaining respect, and not exhibiting doormat behavior. Remember...respect is sexy....doormats are not.

Keep in mind, being more Alpha is NOT about being a d$ck. It's about you knowing exactly who you are, what you believe in, what your strengths are, and what your boundaries are. It's also about being so confident with YOURSELF as a man and your personality and your sexuality that you will never ever be afraid of leaving her if you feel like she is beyond disrespecting you or disrespecting your boundaries.

So...go to the gym. Start working out. Increase your sex rank. Get more alpha. Start acting like you are the most confident person in the world. Her moods don't affect you. You are always calm, confident, and in control of yourself. Get a hobby. Go out with friends at least once a week without her. Have man time only. Plan a date with her. Don't ask her. Just do. Tell her when you get home to put on that tight black short dress cuz you got a babysitter and your taking her out. Be that self confident man to the full potential.

Also, never ever ever be scared of talking to your wife or her reactions if you have an issue. Just be calm, and in control. Talk with a stern, but non-condescending voice. Don't let her blow off your interactions with you like that when you have questions. You have every right to get answers. If she gets emotional, hold up your hand and tell her that we will resume this conversation when she's ready to talk like a mature adult. then just leave the room, or the house. Act like it's no big deal to you. But then remember to get back to that talk again.

The...I never loved you....speech. This is a warning, by the way. It's similar to the I love you but I'm not in love with you talk. Typically, this means your wife is either in an affair, or is considering one. What she is doing is rewriting your entire marital history in her head to justify her behavior, or behavior she wants to pursue. Me...I would investigate for an affair. But, at the same time, and knowing what I do now through my own experiences in my marriage...I only have one answer for that statement that I myself would give my wife....

"well, if you aren't in love with me and never were, I guess we should just divorce then. I'm sure I will have no problem finding someone that actually does love me."

But then again, I've already went through a lot of what your just starting, and it takes a while to get to that point with yourself.

Keep asking questions here, friend. Lots of good advise on this site.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-11-2011, 05:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

Honestly, I appreciate the help, but I may have misrepresented myself a bit. I haven't always been nice in our relationship so I have taken steps to be less demanding. I haven't always been great to be around. I think this is coming off as me being some meek lamb, getting **** on. That is not the case. I am a 200lbs construction worker that runs his own business, before that I was a SGT. in the Army. I can be as stern and commanding as I like. The problem is, I don't want to be a prick and drive her away. As far as the ex-bf thing. I made it very clear she was not to see or speak with him again. This caused her to shutdown talking about her past with me since. Due to our past issues, I have been trying to do what she wants to make her happy. It's been a terrible balancing act that has me trying painfully to be someone I am not. The truth is, I would almost prefer her having an affair then accepting the fact that she really has lost her sex-drive completely. I have tried in vain to find any evidence of cheating. The fact is, she doesn't talk to any guys anymore. Which makes this all the more frustrating. Sometimes I think it is better to let sleeping dogs lie, but the questions continue to nag at me.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-11-2011, 07:16 PM
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

Do you suspect depression? Anything like that?
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-12-2011, 05:27 AM
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by inconsequential View Post
After ten years of marriage to the woman I love and three beautiful children I am seriously considering long-term separation and possibly divorce. It seems like such an extreme thing to do considering all I want is for her to set aside a few inconsequential moments of her time to talk to me about these things.
I always like someone that answers their own question. The remedy here is way out of proportion to whatever the perceived offense. You're winning big time overall and now is not the time to mess it up. Over what? A confidence crisis? With all due respect, this looks like what the great Dr. Freud would call man's death wish. Keep your eye on the prize.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 07:48 PM
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

I know this is a very old thread, and I'd be interested to hear what ultimately happened. I was a very sexually open person in my past, but I didn't get very emotionally attached. I think more than anything, I had very low self esteem and craved feeling "wanted." Fast forward to being older, and having a child (from a failed relationship) & actually falling in love with someone. I was very afraid to admit having those feelings, and denied them for a while. After finally learning it's OK to love someone, I often felt (&still do sometimes, even after 10 years together) afraid to talk about my sexual past. This is twofold - on one hand, I don't want him getting in his own head wondering if he "measures up" to my old lovers, and on the other hand I am fully grown now and honestly a bit embarrassed by some of the more risqué behavior in my past. It's simply not who I am anymore. That's not to say that there's not a great sex life with my husband, there is. But to openly communicate things from my past isn't something I want to do. I love the sex life I have now. No, it's not the kinky, wild, try anything experiences from when I was younger - but it's more fulfilling and pleasurable than any of that ever was. That said, I carry a lot of shame from the way I was before, and at times that leads to me shutting down to intimacy with my husband. I think the best thing in this (or any difficult marriage situation) is to decide, "ok, I'm going to lay this all on the table. I'm going to communicate as openly and honestly as I can about why I don't like to talk about some things, and about why I pull away at times." Both parties need to be open and honest about the things bothering them - without it turning into a fight. If your spouse is unwilling or unable to openly communicate with you without arguments breaking out, it can be really helpful to get a professional mediator /marriage counselor. Best wishes

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 04-06-2017, 10:31 PM
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Re: Feeling inconsequential please help!

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Originally Posted by Messed Up79 View Post
I know this is a very old thread, and I'd be interested to hear what ultimately happened. I was a very sexually open person in my past, but I didn't get very emotionally attached. I think more than anything, I had very low self esteem and craved feeling "wanted." Fast forward to being older, and having a child (from a failed relationship) & actually falling in love with someone. I was very afraid to admit having those feelings, and denied them for a while. After finally learning it's OK to love someone, I often felt (&still do sometimes, even after 10 years together) afraid to talk about my sexual past. This is twofold - on one hand, I don't want him getting in his own head wondering if he "measures up" to my old lovers, and on the other hand I am fully grown now and honestly a bit embarrassed by some of the more risqué behavior in my past. It's simply not who I am anymore. That's not to say that there's not a great sex life with my husband, there is. But to openly communicate things from my past isn't something I want to do. I love the sex life I have now. No, it's not the kinky, wild, try anything experiences from when I was younger - but it's more fulfilling and pleasurable than any of that ever was. That said, I carry a lot of shame from the way I was before, and at times that leads to me shutting down to intimacy with my husband. I think the best thing in this (or any difficult marriage situation) is to decide, "ok, I'm going to lay this all on the table. I'm going to communicate as openly and honestly as I can about why I don't like to talk about some things, and about why I pull away at times." Both parties need to be open and honest about the things bothering them - without it turning into a fight. If your spouse is unwilling or unable to openly communicate with you without arguments breaking out, it can be really helpful to get a professional mediator /marriage counselor. Best wishes
Yes this is an old thread, about 6 years old. I doubt that the poster is coming back to talk to you.

If you would like input for your own situation, please start your own thread.

I'm locking this zombie thread. If the OP does come back, he can PM or another mod to re-open the thread.
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