So I did something about it and stopped it. I know, that's impossible according to every book and website out there. But I am here to say that if you love someone enough and want it bad enough you can change and stay that way. I am going on 3 months and still am not the angry controlling person I was.
AllAlone, congratulations on your remarkable achievement. If you have a strong pattern of BPD traits, such a change is not impossible at all. On the contrary, there are excellent treatment programs available all over the country. And I've communicated on forums with nearly a hundred BPDers who, like you, had the self awareness and ego strength to be able to learn to control their emotions and anger. What is so remarkable about it is that such a feat is quite rare. I have never knowingly met a such a person in my private life (although I've met numerous BPDers). I would be surprised if any more than 1% of high functioning BPDers -- and most are high functioning -- ever achieve such a thing. Again, if you suffer from strong BPD traits, I applaud your achievement.
Tunera, Most of how I acted was due to how I was raised. My mom did everything around the house. I am in a support group but not in actual therapy. I mostly rely on my faith and the open communication with others. Being able to talk about it helps me. The main thing is how I realized how stupid the things I did were. Not disregaurding the trama to my wife but it was stupid things that I would get mad about, i.e pulling weeds in the yard. I just know how bad I treated my wife and refuse to be that way towards her anymore.
Abuse is abuse no matter what. BUt when the abuser knows that he/she will loose her WIFE, HUSBAND, KIDS and best of all FAMILY, it should be a wake up call. I for one is a living example. I normally freak out on small little things. The way we brought up and the environment we grew in plays a vital role of what we are today. But CHANGE IS CHANGE. If you WANT TO CHANGE for a BETTER YOU, (and yor FAMILY), you CAN ! WILL POWER AND DETERMINATION. You MAY experience some shortfall along the way , but if your DETERMINED to do it, YOU CAN BEFORE ITS TOO LATE! If you change yourself, then if they see it, Im pretty sure everything WILL CHANGE. If not, then at least you CHANGE YOU FOR A BETTER YOU! I am on IC, and anger manangement that i feel helps me a lot. I am reading books as well , that was recommended here and watched the movie FIREPROOF, recommended here as well. Enough said, ACKNOWLODGING THE PROBLEM AND FIXING IT BY YOURSELF, will be a great deal for you and your FAMILY! IMAO!
I personally feel that it's a character defect/issue.
A personality problem" or whatever you want to define it as.
Its rare the abuser that changes. They tend to change for a little bit but what they are is always there. And they also tend to get worse over time. It's sick, really.
I think the ones who do change have an epiphany or something major has to happen for them to realize the damage they have caused and inflicted on their loved ones/people around them. It can and will only change IF they admit/realize there is a problem, get help for the problem, acknowledg ethe problem, apologize to those they have hurt and actually COMMIT to changing the destructive behavior.
My ex was very emotionally abusive and even when I talk to him now, it's still there, that "dark cloud"--lingering in the background.
You can't give in to their tantrums. Stand your ground. You mentioned it's "cyclical," and you are spot on. Abuse IS cyclical. It's one big merry-go-round of terror that never ends. It's is happy, then a conflict, then the blow up, then the calm time, then happy, conflict, a blow up, calm time--over and over again. My ex would be ok for about 2-3 months at most and it would start all over again. And it was horrible. I couldn't live like that anymore. Neverending circle.
You said you lost love/trust/respect for him--this happened with me too. Eventually all the love I had for him was stripped away and nothing was left but resentment. Once that resentment starts in, it is HARD to go back to how you saw them before. For me, it hasn't happened all the way, even after we split.
If he is desperate, I say give it another shot but explain to him what you need from him to start even believing him. Tell him you aren't f-cking around and that talk is cheap. ACTIONS are what counts.
This is how my life is and how I feel to a Tee. What ultimately happened between you and you're significant other? I am beginning to believe too that I will not be able to see my wife the same way again, as I once did, even if things were to improve. I suppose it would have to take a lot of time to get us back to where we used to be. My wife's cycle of blowing up and going crazy then going back to being nice is monthly - a monthly cycle. These days, I actually get nervous and anxious when she starts to be nice and happy, because I know that soon, she will flip out over something and yell about how much she hates me. Makes no sense, and has destroyed me emotionally over time. Now, I am contemplating divorce as I don't want to live like this for the next 60 years. But I still hold onto the point that maybe things will change...
My wife's cycle of blowing up and going crazy then going back to being nice is monthly - a monthly cycle.
Idunno, I left a response in your My List of Hell thread -- agreeing that you are describing many classic traits of BPD. An unanswered question, however, is WHEN you first started seeing these dysfunctional traits. Because BPD traits are persistent, they do not disappear for years and then suddenly appear in the last year or two of your marriage. Rather, they typically start at the end of the infatuation period, i.e., about six months in. I therefore seek that information in your thread.
Above, you say that her angry mood changes come regularly in a monthly pattern. If so, the mood changes are far more likely to be caused by monthly hormone changes, not by BPD. If so, that is wonderful news because hormone changes can be easily treated by swallowing a pill. In contrast, the angry mood changes seen in BPD sufferers are very difficult to treat, usually taking years of therapy.
Such mood changes are event triggered and fairly unpredictable because BPDers are emotionally unstable. My exW, for example, typically had a blow up about every two or three weeks but it was not matched to her hormone changes at all that I could tell. Instead, the changes were triggered by some minor thing I did or said, e.g., glancing at another woman for 3/4 second instead of 1/2 second.
My ex husband is an abuser! I only stayed with him for a year before calling it quits. I was looking for a way to justify myself to leave and therefore I had to have solid proof he was cheating. As if the abuse wasn't enough. He never hit me, but he did hold me hostage in our apartment. This was years ago and the year we were together was pure hell! His rages were horrible and almost killed my daughter and I on the freeway slamming his breaks in his car when getting in front of my car. He married one of the women he cheated on me. He now has cheated on her, but they are still together after 17 years. He has become physically abusive towards her at times and the emotional/verbal abuse has gotten much worse. Funny thing is after all these years, I'm to blame for his misery. We have a daughter together, but he can not stand her. He hates women and has zero respect for anyone.
My current husband is the best man I ever come across. He is kind, patient, caring and respects me. These last 13 years with my current husband have been the best years of my life. Posted via Mobile Device
I've found that pretty common in abusers: belief that women are beneath them.
I am married to a controlling verbally abusive man and I can assure you, the handwriting was on the wall the first time I met him but of course I ignored it. A man who disses his mother and sister is not going to respect his wife!
Its back and forth with him. One day I am the Love of His Life!, next day its "Im tired of you and have been for a long time. I want out!"
Finally today another screeching from him and I called a lawyer for a divorce consult. I feel free but so sad. So very sad...
I am seeing a divorce attorney for a consult today. I do not want to do this at all and even sometimes think I am making a mistake by going this far with it. I don't see myself with anyone else, but I feel like I'm being forced to file papers to give me peace of mind over the next 60 years of my life.
Every single day with my wife I wake up and think about what she is going to get into today, or what surprise, or what problem she is going to leave me with today. It's a roller coaster, it's dramatic and weirdly exciting, but over time it has just brought me down and slowly destroyed what we used to have. If it's not one thing it's another with her.
I still sometimes think I can fix things and help her and myself, but I keep telling myself that this has been going on for years, and we have discussed this to death already. There is nothing more I can do here, especially if she is unwilling to put forth any effort at all and continue to believe that I am the source of our problems.
I look back and realize I was such a fool to come back to her (after our first split). Maybe if I follow through a second time and leave it at that, I will be able to look back and realize I finally made the right decision.
You're doing the right thing - getting balance back in your life. Once you detach from her, emotionally and legally, YOU are in control and you can decide if you want to let her back in your life...on YOUR terms (therapy, medication, etc.).
If you can't afford it, go online and get a separation agreement for your state - you can probably get it through your state's website. Get your ducks in a row, separate your finances so she can't get to your money, and make the move.