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This is actually happening

33K views 144 replies 44 participants last post by  JohnA 
#1 · (Edited)
So where to start. Married 23 years , 3 kids with a 14 year old daughter that lives with me most of the time. I am a typical hard working, loyal Mr Nice Guys (not perfect of course but did not deserve this). Wife informed me that she was done with the marriage (to pursue another love interest) and she moved out several months ago. We moved her into an apartment where I have given her enough rental income to get by the next year while we sort out the separation and divorce proceedings. I plan on keeping the marital home and having my daughter stay with me during the week and visit the wife on weekends which has been the case so far.
Never though my marriage would fall apart so quickly and under these circumstances. She was the classic "grew up in a Christian home, seemingly had a strong moral compass. Met this OM at a church function of all places but I guess that type of thing can happen anywhere

Obviously the first month was hell (lost appetite, weight, trouble sleeping but slowly coming around and realizing that I could never take her back even if she did a 180 and changed her mind.

Anyways just thought I would post and discuss with others that have gone through the same and what I can expect (emotionally and otherwise) over the next while. I have certainly gone from disbelief, despair, thinking I can't start over at age 45 to acceptance (slowly) and realizing that the damage that was done and how it was done is irreparable from my POV that I have no choice to move on...whatever that looks like
 
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#2 ·
Sounds like you are pretty content with not working it out. That can be a good place to be compared to others that struggle a lot more.

If you don't mind me asking, after 3 kids and 23 years of marriage, how are you accepting it so fast? Paying for her to stay elsewhere?

Is there anyone else in your life that makes ending your current marriage easier?

How are your kids doing? The 14 yr old is the youngest?

Just curious. I'm not a long time member here but I had spent a lot of time on here when I went through my bit of hell and I don't recall seeing someone handle it as well as you seem to be, considering the time spent and the family and all.
 
#4 · (Edited)
We had a difficult time in our marriage almost 4 years ago exactly where she had a brief emotional affair that was devastating to me so I guess having gone through something similar, albeit it did not go this far, did probably prepare me somewhat. I did really focus in on our marriage for a good three years where I was the pursuer and she seemed happy with my effort but something had obviously changed and it felt I was no longer "the one". Part of going through that was I made a self determination that if something like that happened again that it would kill the marriage for me and certainly how cold and detached she made this separation has definitely altered my perception of the innocent girl I married and my desire to risk taking yet another chance on reconciliation. I am also wired that when I go through a crisis, I tend to process things rather quickly although (maybe self defence mechanism. I don't know) I do find a circle back to the same place a few times. I do know had things had gone this far in 2011 I would not be handling it the same then as I am now. I guess another part of it is I really hate being in limbo and I just want to push through this as quickly as possible, get closure and see how thing look down the road. I might regret moving too fast but right now but again I feel like I need closure. Another side element I think perhaps subconsciously is the fear of starting over at age 45 so it feels like if I waste to much time, I am not getting any younger. I can't say that this hasn't effected me deeply because it has but I guess just my way of dealing with it..for better or worse
 
#5 · (Edited)
Hi Marc878

As much as I would like some personal satisfaction in doing that, I don't want to inflict any damage on our kids, especially our 14 year old who attends youth there. Although a mutual friend mentioned to me over coffee on the weekend that the pastor had questioned why my STBXW was joined in the arms of this other guy (divorced 3 years ago and lives in a basement suite) so they are exposing themselves for what they are. I was disappointed in hearing that but the angry part was when I told my wife that I talked to my family about our marriage and how she had left she said " oh that is good to know that they know. I would have preferred that not come out...out of respect for the children....OMG.
 
#6 ·
when I told my wife that I talked to my family about our marriage and how she had left she said " oh that is good to know that they know. I would have preferred that not come out...out of respect for the children....OMG.
Did she actually say that with a straight face? What she really means is "Out of respect for myself". Have you told her folks yet?

Kudos to you for handling this as well as you are. How is your daughter dealing with it?
 
#8 ·
Thanks for your response Kivar. That exchange about out of respect for the kids was done over text so hard to tell if it was with a straight face but hypocritical nonetheless.

Her folks do know about this. I did talk to my father in law (good man) and apologized to him for "my part" in the failure in the marriage and that as the father who gave his daughter away that I owed him out of respect that I am sorry that it had come to this. He was greatly moved that I reached out to him man to man and that even though she walked out on the marriage that I was willing to accept my responsibility. I am not Mr Perfect Husband by any means but Integrity is very much apart of my DNA.
 
#9 ·
Hi Marc

Yes unfortunately the truth will come out on its own so I will let that come out in its own time. I certainly won't lie to the kids when they ask when/how she met this guy but they are just dealing wit the fact that we are separated so no need to pile on things to quickly. Enough pain and hurt as it is.

My goal is not to win her back or get her to find me attractive... I did that in 2011 and that did not work so well in the end. I have no issue with self respect...just the opposite.
 
#10 ·
Hey Riptide

The parallels between our situations struck me, again 23 years together, 3 kids (though eldest 17), 8 weeks ago wife tells me to move out, only to reveal a week later that she has had a 4 month affair with someone in our group of friends. I can confirm weight loss and lack of sleep were rapid consequences! In fact the latter has been a real problem for me - it's hard to pull yourself together and man up when you're completely wrung out by lack of sleep!

Well my wife did the 180 and has cut links to the OM, but that has just put me back in that limbo that you talk about, wondering if I can ever get over it and pick up our marriage again. In some ways I envy you as at least you know where you're going!

I'm obviously not an expert on these things, merely another victim, but I would say that exposing what she has done to you and your family is a positive thing. I ensured that all family and all friends know that our marriage is potentially screwed because of what my wife did, going as far as sending emails to friends around the world. Apart from the support that I got back in return, it actually felt good to do so because she really didn't like it! Why should your wife be allowed to crap on her family in this manner and just waltz away with her image untarnished? It also prevents future revisionist history, when she meets old friends and says "Oh yeah, I split up with Riptide because he was a bad husband" or some such ****.

I consider the only argument against exposure of the facts is that of male pride, "I don't want everyone to know that I'm such a sap that my wife cheated on me!". That is clearly so much BS, I'm not a sap and nor are you, so give her some consequences.

Take care man, hope you can pick up the pieces of your life and find happiness!
 
#11 · (Edited)
Thank you for your response Florida. Yes it really does suck. The hardest part is letting go the "perception" of what you thought you had and the idea that we thought we were set in life and had control of our plan. Realizing that is an illusion - we did not have what we thought we had and being in control is wishful thinking. I am certainly not out of the darkness but that realization was sobering when a good friend spoke those words to me.

Full out exposure is a tough one for me..perhaps like you said apart of it is male pride but I honestly want to put my effort in getting through this, moving on with life and fast forwarding the next 12 months. If I thought I could take my wife back I might go the exposure route...if I thought the kids would not be effected and my goal was to have the OM dump her. He is already divorced so exposing him will do no good unless I am missing something. I would like to just get the separation agreement finalized and exposing and getting her pissed will just prolong that process so that is the angle I have chosen to play so far. I have friends that see her new relationship falling apart on its own and I think it will too so the karma bus is comin...she just doesn't know it yet. I could be wrong but that's how I feel
 
#12 · (Edited)
I would like to just get the separation agreement finalized and exposing and getting her pissed will just prolong that process so that is the angle I have chosen to play so far.
Ok, that is a reason that I can understand, though it still feels like letting her off the hook! I think that you have to be on the receiving end of cheating to appreciate just how much damage it does - IT SHOULD HAVE CONSEQUENCES FOR THEM TOO, rather than them just dancing off into the sunset with their new partner.

As you wisely say, let's hope that they get run over by the karma bus!
 
#14 ·
I didn't full on expose my now ex when I found out about his affair in February - for similar reasons as the OP. I didn't want him back, even if that were an option, because what he had already done was a deal breaker.

Now, I kind of wish I had, because it might have ended it. And though I don't want him back, I don't want his relationship with this ridiculous woman to succeed, either. We're divorced now (amazing how fast you can rush your family through it when your GF keeps giving you ultimatums), and after spending all of 11 days with her total from the start of the affair up to that point, he's moved her down here from another state, 10 minutes away from where our son and I live, and now our 13-year-old basically has a stepmother that he's known for less than a week.

I realize my ex will be with someone or other beside me. If it doesn't work out with this one, he'll dump her for someone else. God knows he can't be alone.

Like Florida says, I'd just like for there to be consequences for these two selfish idiots, and others like them. Yes, I know that's just the spite talking, but why should they have a moral breakdown and get to go about their lives as if they've done nothing wrong?

In reality, I think there are consequences. We just don't see them as soon or as dramatically as we'd like to. Because I have to talk to my ex regularly, he's alluded a couple times to me recently about things not going so well with his little friend since she's moved down here. Breaking News: The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence, after all, and you can't polish a turd.

I understand why you're compartmentalizing it so well. I wish I were better at it - I should be, because my ex had at least two EAs that I know about before this one that rapidly became a PA (he met her in a church, too, by the way - at a luncheon following a funeral in one they'd both just attended - what IS it with these people?). He never admitted that's what they were, but that's what they were. One of them is still going on while he's with this one (he really should have been more careful about his smartphone pass code). I'd love to be a fly on the wall when this one discovers that one.

Sorry you're here, but glad you're feeling better so quickly. ZzzQuil helped me with that sleep deprivation thing. It took a few months, but my appetite and ability to sleep unaided did come back.

Is your daughter doing OK? I take it you haven't told her about the OM? I think my son is doing OK - we're doing our best to keep it amicable, and I never say a bad word about his Dad or GF to him, no matter how much I want to.
 
#15 ·
Riptide, seems like you have things under control, no doubt the emotions will rise and bring you down but it is a process of just getting through it. Keep things stable for your kids. How old are your kids? I think the kids should know about this, they probably already do. Keeping things under wrap only protects your WW, she is the one hurting the kids not you.
Older kids need to know that in life people are flawed and sometimes marriage is not all fairy tales and princesses/princes, this is the real world. They will then see how a BS acts, with integrity and perseverance, which is what you are doing. She will always be their mother but that does not mean you have to hide from them who she really is.

Exposing to the church is also important, if not for you, for your family. She is most definitely in the A fog, big time, you would be doing something for your family.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Thank you all for your comments and support. I did browse this sight a few years ago when my wife had her first EA and the support system here can be invaluable. Looking back that EA did a lot of harm to our marriage and unconsciously I must have made a decision to just let her go if it ever happened again.It does seem like I am ahead of the curve in my recovery relative to how recent it has been since . I certainly was not in this place a few months ago and felt like a death in the family had occurred. Literally woke up one morning thinking I was still a married guy and found out over a Sunday afternoon lunch that she was done and wanted out of the marriage (two days later I found out about OM). I still have days where I struggle (Sunday evenings seem to be hard still) but I am eating better. Exercise and jogging also helps alot

My daughter seemingly is doing well. Initially she was very surprised because the wife and I did not fight or argue a lot. Distance had become noticeable in the last year but I attributed it to an increase in my work load in my job that kept me busier than normal. So when we discussed the separation, I will never forget the surprised look in her eyes and when she asked "this is just a trial right? I was the one who broke down when breaking the news and my wife, usually the emotional one was pretty calm about it all. I honestly don't recognize this person my wife has become.

We discussed our situation with her school counselor and ensured she has the proper support to talk about her feelings and I offered to go in to co-counselling with her if that is something she needs. My daughter and I are very close so I am thankful that she is staying with me during the week. I adjusted my work schedule to allow me to go in later so I can be the one to get her up for school and I enjoy being that Dad for her. My wife even admitted that our daughter would be happier living with me so it was not a fight to have a majority of custody. Like myself, she seems to be adjusting well but of course I do feel very sad and responsible for letting her down
 
#17 ·
Thank you for your reply no more beans. Yes I might have regrets down the road that I didn't expose but something tells me that she once these shiny new feelings dissipate, the baggage she brings will show up and she will eventually be in the same boat again. If not, I am determined to make a better life for myself. I am already a better dad to my daughter and we were very close before this.

I am sorry that you had to deal with an EA and a PA. Going through betrayal once is hell...going through it again but add a PA to the equation, well that just seems cruel and injust. Don't worry though, I am not a deeply religious person but I believe one day we all have to answer to the big guy upstairs and he will hold us all accountable for what we have done.

It is interesting you used the term compartmentalizing, you might be on to something. I know there is some anger down there that is bound to come up. It has in small spurts but I know the time and place for that is after the separation agreement is signed and I have knowingly parked it when I think about the betrayal and how I gave her a second chance after the first EA, how I was the pursuer afterwards and she said how ashamed she was and that it would never happen again..... only for it to happen again but worse.Perhaps compartmentalizing is my coping mechanism and eventually I will have to deal with this but for some reason I see myself in a better place down the road. It is weird though as my initial reaction was wanting to do anything to save the marriage and thinking I would be able to forgive her again. Know that she is gone, I can't even imagine taking her back

To answer the next question, no I have not mentioned OM to daughter or sons. I know that would kill the image they have of their mom and hurt them deeply. It is bound to come out but this is relatively fresh, I don't want to add salt to the wound. Is this the wrong choice? It would certainly upset the wife if they found out and I told them but I am more concerned about the kids than hurt her.
 
#18 ·
23 years is a really good run in my view. I myself was only married for 6 years but was in a 9 year relationship. It seemed to last a lot longer than that though :). I remember realising the emotional context had completely changed and it felt like it happened in an instant.

It's good if you can both move on. I focus on my child more as a divorced man. I actually lost weight during the separation and was able to keep it off by being more active and engaged. Child support can be a problem though. For me that means not only having to pay child support, which is about a day a working week's gross wage, but having to pay for a whole house of my own so that I can enjoy spending time with my kid.

Therefore, I'd be really quick to end the financial relationship immediately and enter a formal process to protect yourself. The risk is you end up paying for everything out of guilt and the hope of reconciliation; and both aren't valid but emotions can get in the way of rational thinking especially if you keep talking to her.
 
#19 ·
Yes I am definitely hoping for a quick resolution. I hate the feeling of being in limbo and I am just wanting closure and fast forward a year from now. Admittedly, I did try and stay in touch the first few weeks but have found keeping my distance is only helping me detach. At first I put the vibe out there that I would be willing to work thing out if she changed her mind and even proposed dating down the road if she dumped OM and we used the separation to live independently and see if we could rediscover a spark without having to deal with the daily grind of sharing a roof, paying bills etc. Having turned that down and into the arms of OM, that was the nail in the coffin and she is on her own when she falls. Having married at 22, I am using this time to discover some independence, be the best dad I can be and I know that when the time comes, I will find someone better or find peace in just being alone for awhile. Certainly, after 23 years, that feeling of being alone and no longer married (she took her ring off right away) was unsettling but I am getting used to it a bit more each day. Getting her stuff moved out, buying my own bedding and rearranging stuff in the house and garage also helped. I will probably repaint this winter too just to put complete the personalization of the space. She already commented that it feels like she didn't even exist here when she picked our daughter recently. I didn't say anything other than think " that's the whole idea" and I am going to get there quicker than you think. I have peace knowing I didn't desert the marriage and someday she will regret how she went about this. She did have a moral compass and conscious at one point, just don't know where that person went.
 
#20 ·
Maybe she'll regret it maybe she won't but I'd never give her another chance. You deserve a life too.

This is all about her. She has not thought about you or even the kids.

I'm sorry for you and hope you find your way to the life you want for a change.

I suspect it'll play out the same as last. After the dream wears off will you be there again?
 
#21 ·
I think you are wise not to try to extract revenge. The kids will form their own opinion over time.

Considering she left you after you tried to meet her needs, it sounds like the marriage just ran its course. Again, wise of you to accept that, and move on. There is peace in that, I believe.
 
#23 ·
No personal experience with divorce here but I have many kids and I did tell then very openly about my cancer when the youngest were 8. It's part of our life (I'm not sick but lots of dr visits) and I think they see it as something we do. Not who I am.

Personally I would be completely transparent and honest. Tell then that dad loves you and mom loves you and that will never change. Go through several examples - even people who end up in jail because of mistakes have their mom and dad right there with them. There is NOTHING they can do to make you not love them.

Then I'd contrast that with dating, relationships and marriage. We choose each other. We get to know the other person and if we're lucky we find someone honest and open and caring and wanting to spend the rest of their lives with you. But you have to keep working on that love because it's not like a child - parent love - it's a choice.

And then I'd be plain and honest. I'd say mom decided to end the marriage. There is nothing someone can do unless both people want to stay married. So I'll be dad forever and she'll be mom forever but I can't stay married to her. If they press I would be blunt but not judgmental. Mom decided to get a new boyfriend and I'm not ok with that so we can't stay married. But we'll work things out so you have a mom and dad just like a lot of your friends.

Kids aren't dumb. They'll see this. If they see you are ok being a whole person but not #2 they have a chance to develop positive relationships themselves.

No need to go into other details but the above are true and objective.
 
#24 ·
BTW I would NOT say anything about mom falling in love with someone else - nothing about her relationship. You don't know she fell in love and I wouldn't add that judgement and elevate the relationship that way. It sounds "nice" but you'd job is to be honest, who and complete, not nice. Moms relationship is moms business - I would direct their questions about that to mom.

The only thing you know us mom said she loved you. Didn't turn out so well so you should not interpret moms thoughts for her.

That should be your firm, but not angry, boundary.
 
#25 ·
I would like to see what her reaction is to everything a couple months from now when the love interest thing falls through and she comes crawling back to the OP. I hope that you won't take her back. If she wants to cause all the damage she has, she better be prepared to deal with it.

Definitely expose what she did to the church and both sides of the family. Don't let her off the hook. I would also not pay for her to live elsewhere anymore. If that's her choice let her pay for it. POS women like this should know that they have to pay for unacceptable behavior like this.
 
#28 · (Edited)
Thank you all again. Some excellent posts here. I definitely can't say I haven't considered telling the kids. I just don't want to do it out of revenge and I struggle with the timing and how/when that conversation happens but I realize that is inevitable. I certainly will not lie if this other person shows up in their lives and they ask when and how I found out about it.

If you asked me soon after the separation, I would have definitely considered taking her back. That would only have been on the condition that she dump OM and take the time to do some self reflection (for both of us) and then start dating after living apart and see if we could rekindle that lost spark. I think we (I) could have done that but having her choose to go right to this other relationship with no break in between, I have lost all respect for her and the person I married is dead to me.

As far as financial separation goes, I am keeping track of the money I gave her to cover her rental lease over the next year so as not to burden my regular account. I just hope that while she lost in the shiny new relationship that she will agree to my terms which in reality is quite fair (55% of existing net worth plus a healthy payout) but you know how things can get when lawyers get involved. Will see how that goes
 
#29 · (Edited)
Hi Bandit. Nice to hear from you. I have followed this forum back in 2012 after my wife's first EA 4 years ago. here.

Yes she is going to church. Sadly, I asked my daughter recently if she goes with mom, as she has her on the weekends and no she does not take her to church with her (presumably so she can sit next to OM). I will definitely start pushing to have my daughter return home Saturday night if she insists on leaving her at her apartment alone Sunday just to return her to me early in the afternoon.
 
#30 ·
Hi Bandit. Nice to hear from you. I have followed this forum back in 2012 after my wife's first EA 4 years ago. You are like a local legend here.

Yes she is going to church. Sadly, I asked my daughter recently if she goes with mom, as she has her on the weekends and no she does not take her to church with her (presumably so she can sit next to OM). I will definitely start pushing to have my daughter return home Saturday night if she insists on leaving her at her apartment alone Sunday just to return her to me early in the afternoon.
Puke. I fvcking hate hypocrites like her. One reason I gave up on church long ago.
 
#32 ·
It's too easy RT.

She hasn't had to deal with the fallout. With the kids, church, all that.

All that stress which will likely result in her not being "fun" for the single other man, which will likely result in her getting dumped and crapped on from everyone when it comes out.

So she'll look around, get scared because she's gone from the support of her community and two men to no community and zero men, and she may suddenly want to reconcile.

What then?
 
#59 ·
What then is that she is no longer his problem. Too bad so sad.


Rip I admire the way you are handling things, and add me to the list advocating telling your kids as soon as you can. If they find out from anyone else, they are going to be shattered that you kept it from them. Telling them isn't revenge, its respecting their right to know.
 
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