Married to an older Man

Starlite · 08-22-2011, 12:10 PM

Hello, I am new here. I am totally confused on what to do with my marriage.
I have been married for 31 years. My husband is 71 and I am 51.

He has been a good husband and father to our 3 adult kids. when I was 18, my family and friends warned me about the age difference. I never thought that we would change, he is still a good person, but I feel that our marriage is over.

he is no longer intrested in having intimacy with me. we have stopped having sex for a year now, and I feel frustrated and old.

he is physically able to have sex. I have caught him pleasing himself. he is also a very quiet person that does not like to talk about our problem. I have tried talking to him about my feeling, but he does not responce and just gives me a sad look.

I want to leave him but I feel bad for him. he has given me many good years. I dont want to leave him just because he is now old.

I dont know if I love him or feel sorry for him. I am so confused.

Thank you all for reading.

Riverside MFT · 08-22-2011, 03:16 PM

Do you feel the marriage is over because he no longer wants to have sex? Is there anything else? I wonder if he is embarassed about anything? Maybe he doesn't feel like he is able to perform when having sex (though he is able to do it through his own fantasies). Has he said that he doesn't want to have sex with you?

Starlite · 08-22-2011, 03:53 PM

No. he has not said that he no longer wants to have sex with me. he will just not try.
he has been to the Dr and was prescribed Viagra. so I really dont know what is wrong with him. I am beginning to think that he no longer finds me attractive.
and its not so much the sex. I want him to hold me and be able sleep in his arms

like we have done for many years. we sleep in the same bed, but we have no physical contact.
Like I mentioned earlier, he does not open up and talk to me.

Thank you for your comment.

Riverside MFT · 08-22-2011, 03:56 PM

Do you think a more subtle means of communicating about this issue might be appropriate? Would he be willing to talk with you through email, text, or otherwise?

Starlite · 08-22-2011, 04:11 PM

your probably going to laugh. he does not care to learn to use
e-mail or texting. I have suggested going to counseling but he says he doesn's want to tell outside people our problems. I guess I dont have have too many options here. I either get used to living with him with no physical contact or call it quits.
and I am afraid I dont like either of these options.

calif_hope · 08-23-2011, 12:51 AM

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calif_hope · 08-23-2011, 12:58 AM

He is 71, I would bet that he is dealing with his mortality. Knowing that he is soon to pass on the other side, leaving you to live your life for 25+ years. I bet he is dealing with pictures in his mind of you being with another man, living life without him. This I imagine could lead to detachment. Think about it! I bet he is depressed, probably feels cheated out of 20+ years of sharing a life with you, the woman he loves and that some other man is going to have that gift.
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