This is killing me

swedish · 11-25-2008, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnny Drama

It makes me feel like a total failure.

And save this thinking for venting in here...don't walk the walk of a failure...you only fail if you fail to give it all you've got and you are here so that's a start...it ain't over yet

Johnny Drama · 11-25-2008, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedish

The issue you have now is her male friend. It has the signs of an emotional affair and is most likely filling a void she felt within your marriage (feeling loved, appreciated, etc.) As long as she continues to get that from him, it will cloud her thinking and she will be less apt to want to do any work within the marriage.

At this point, putting that in her face and talking to her parents may only backfire and push her further away and closer to him if she seeks him out for support. The best thing you can do in this situation is to do things for yourself, have fun with your kids & be a happy, loving dad and man and give her space to figure things out. If it were me (and it was a year ago) I would and did say I did not feel we could work on our marriage if his female 'friend' remained in the picture. Fortunately, my husband agreed and ended the friendship. This is very difficult for many to do in this situation as they feel this friend is the only one who truly understands how they feel and makes them feel validated.

I couldn't agree with you more. I told her that if we did decide to work on things then it had to be just us. If not, any time in the future I would have to worry if she has him lurking in the background somewhere. I don't want to be the guy who is always suspicious of everything.

I also think that I have said everything I can right now to her and her family. Anything else risks pissing her off more and makes me look weak and desperate.

I haven't mentioned yet that she never mentioned this guy to me when she discussed separation. I found this out on my own accidentally when I saw on the computer screen an e-mail from him. The history of the conversation stated that his birthday was on the 19th of November and how sorry she was that she couldn't give him his "present" (her quotations, not mine) in person.

His response? "That's okay babe".

When I write it out I can't believe this is going on. I never intended to be the type of guy who would even consider living with a situation like this.

swedish · 11-25-2008, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Johnny Drama

I never intended to be the type of guy who would even consider living with a situation like this.

Been there, said that (except the 'guy' part

) The thing is, you need to keep your boundaries in check...by saying you could only work on things with her if it's just the two of you, that's exactly what you are doing...you will not be plan 'b' or agree to some half-a$$ed attempt at working on your marriage.

You cannot control what she decides to do based on this, but you are not being a doormat here...you are doing your best to honor your vows during a difficult time by wanting to work through the issues as an honorable father, husband and man...nothing bad in that.

Johnny Drama · 11-25-2008, 07:53 PM

[QUOTE=ljtseng;27657]Well, you can. you just dont want to.

I respectfully disagree here. In my opinion, unless the 2 people want to have the marriage succeed and are both willing to try, they are doomed. Sure, I could show my efforts and not wait for her to reciprocate. But that is short lived. I think it is a fast rack to resentment. As I've said, I want this to work and want to fix it. Right now, she doesn't.

I don't think I have unreasonable expectations. If we are going to fix things then [U]we[U] need to fix them. Ultimately, either she decides to give us a chance or she doesn't. I can't want it badly enough for both of us. It's funny...I've only been able to come to that conclusion in the past couple of days.

rogerisright · 12-01-2008, 09:29 AM

One person can make a difference JD ... take the Love Dare ! It's the one person program you can't miss with ... but the firs thing you need to do is start to believe that you can achieve your goals because unless you beliebve you will be succesful then you probably wont be ...stiop the negative inner voice talk ,...get positive ... get the love dare and throw your heart and soul into it ....and watch her change ...and when she wants to come back or starts to hint that she wants to come home ...play hard to get and only let it happen on your terms ... if you flop and let her come back with no lesson learned then you are doing her and your marriage a disservicve

good luck

snix11 · 02-20-2009, 01:19 PM

Roger, you are a disgusting womanizer. Are you sure you aren't my First husband?

invisable1 · 02-20-2009, 01:37 PM

Reading this is Kinda Deja-vue... Im married 3 kids under 13, and she keeps telling me That she wants to leave... I don't feel so alone anymore, thanks for sharing..