Here goes...
Yes, I cheated. I have been married for only about three months. How I ended up here is complicated....let me try to explain...
2011-2013: Started dating and fell in love with who I consider the love of my life. We have known each other since middle school. Every moment was passionate, but that did not come without its obstacles...This person had many issues including a history of sexual abuse and substance abuse problems that he needed to work out. He could not work on himself with me around as I was an enabler. I left.
2013-2015: VERY soon (with no time to grieve the previous relationship) after I left my boyfriend at the time, I met my future husband. He was everything my ex-boyfriend was not. Total opposites. Everyone loved this new guy and kept telling me how great he was. Of course, in the beginning, there were sparks and butterflies but this faded (for me). I kept convincing myself that if I gave 100% effort to the relationship love would grow. This led to an engagement and, obviously, marriage. My husband is all the things one looks for in a partner: reliable, honest, stable, loving. BUT we do not have a sex life (sex two times since honeymoon). I don't enjoy sex with him...and he doesn't put forth much effort. Our days are mundane--same ole same ole (but perhaps this is the way of marriage?). My husband has not planned or taken me on a date.....in probable a year and a half. The last gift he got me was a gift card, which made me feel like he doesn't know me at all. Nothing is spontaneous, and he is likely the most predictable man alive. He is also 9 years older than me, and, at times, I feel that he fought for this relationship for my age and the possibility of more children.
NOW: I have stayed close with my ex-boyfriend's family--they always felt like family and have always been beyond supportive of me. Dysfunctional doesn't really begin to describe my immediate family...I went to visit my ex-boyfriend's mom--he was there. Truth be told, we have never lost contact. And I never fell out of love with him...I just figured that love isn't enough to make anything work and I needed to find all the other qualities: reliable, stable, financially sound. Ex-boyfriend has done very well for himself since our break-up and felt he was ready to re-present himself to me...we spent time together on my visit and he continues to present what kind of life he can offer to me...
Complications: I am now a step-mother to a beautiful 11 year old girl. My husband's family seems to really like me and accept me as part of their unit. My husband came to know about the affair....we were not acting healthy in a space together. So, now, I am in a hotel lost in my thoughts. He wants me to come home. He wants our marriage to work. Of course, he has conditions if I want to do the same.
The problem is I am utterly torn. My husband is an amazing person, but I am not IN love with him. I am still IN love with the ex-boyfriend. In writing all this, it seems like I do not have a right to seek advice....but my heart is torn....
I have seen a counselor who believes I need to move forward....alone. In our discussion, she believes that I am a very good fit for my husband but perhaps he is not the best fit for me. She is encouraging me to live for myself and not others but I can't help but think of all the people I will disappoint and hurt if I leave my husband...if you can find it in your hearts to provide some thoughtful advice without persecution I would greatly appreciate this Thank you.
Yes, I cheated. I have been married for only about three months. How I ended up here is complicated....let me try to explain...
2011-2013: Started dating and fell in love with who I consider the love of my life. We have known each other since middle school. Every moment was passionate, but that did not come without its obstacles...This person had many issues including a history of sexual abuse and substance abuse problems that he needed to work out. He could not work on himself with me around as I was an enabler. I left.
2013-2015: VERY soon (with no time to grieve the previous relationship) after I left my boyfriend at the time, I met my future husband. He was everything my ex-boyfriend was not. Total opposites. Everyone loved this new guy and kept telling me how great he was. Of course, in the beginning, there were sparks and butterflies but this faded (for me). I kept convincing myself that if I gave 100% effort to the relationship love would grow. This led to an engagement and, obviously, marriage. My husband is all the things one looks for in a partner: reliable, honest, stable, loving. BUT we do not have a sex life (sex two times since honeymoon). I don't enjoy sex with him...and he doesn't put forth much effort. Our days are mundane--same ole same ole (but perhaps this is the way of marriage?). My husband has not planned or taken me on a date.....in probable a year and a half. The last gift he got me was a gift card, which made me feel like he doesn't know me at all. Nothing is spontaneous, and he is likely the most predictable man alive. He is also 9 years older than me, and, at times, I feel that he fought for this relationship for my age and the possibility of more children.
NOW: I have stayed close with my ex-boyfriend's family--they always felt like family and have always been beyond supportive of me. Dysfunctional doesn't really begin to describe my immediate family...I went to visit my ex-boyfriend's mom--he was there. Truth be told, we have never lost contact. And I never fell out of love with him...I just figured that love isn't enough to make anything work and I needed to find all the other qualities: reliable, stable, financially sound. Ex-boyfriend has done very well for himself since our break-up and felt he was ready to re-present himself to me...we spent time together on my visit and he continues to present what kind of life he can offer to me...
Complications: I am now a step-mother to a beautiful 11 year old girl. My husband's family seems to really like me and accept me as part of their unit. My husband came to know about the affair....we were not acting healthy in a space together. So, now, I am in a hotel lost in my thoughts. He wants me to come home. He wants our marriage to work. Of course, he has conditions if I want to do the same.
The problem is I am utterly torn. My husband is an amazing person, but I am not IN love with him. I am still IN love with the ex-boyfriend. In writing all this, it seems like I do not have a right to seek advice....but my heart is torn....
I have seen a counselor who believes I need to move forward....alone. In our discussion, she believes that I am a very good fit for my husband but perhaps he is not the best fit for me. She is encouraging me to live for myself and not others but I can't help but think of all the people I will disappoint and hurt if I leave my husband...if you can find it in your hearts to provide some thoughtful advice without persecution I would greatly appreciate this Thank you.