Only married 8mo, does it get better?
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Old 08-31-2011, 01:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Only married 8mo, does it get better?

So, I got married last December and since I got married, my husband spends almost all of his time playing sports or video games with his uncles and friends. I never see him. We dated about a year and a half before we decided to elope. We've had sex maybe 6 times since we got married (it was marginally more frequent before we got married) and he rarely puts any effort into it. Sex isn't important to him., but it is to me. He regularly breaks dates with me, rarely does things he tells me he will do, and several times has disappeared friday night and hasn't come home until saturday afternoon or even sunday, without contacting me to let me know where he is or that he is ok. Usually I only find him by calling everybody he knows to discover he spent all night playing games with friends or family. I don't get notification, let alone an invitation. He says he loves me and doesn't want to live without me, but then why do I never see him? The few times we try to hang out anymore I'm so upset with him that it devolves into an argument. The last time he told me that he put sports first because sports has been with him his whole life, whereas I've only been with him the last couple years. I try to support him and go to his games, but when it comes to something I want to do he either flat out refuses or makes excuses to do something else. I have talked to him so many times and he always promises change that never happens. Now people keep telling me that the first year of marriage is the hardest. So do I keep waiting and trying to work through our issues, or do I give up and ask for a divorce?
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Old 08-31-2011, 01:39 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Only married 8mo, does it get better?

How old are you two? My first thought is that your husband had a different idea about being married than you did, and is immature. My second thought is that you married him expecting him to change/improve some key things you didn't like before you married him. And now you're unhappy because things haven't improved.

There's limits on how much one person can fix in a marriage. The other person has to take ownership for their issues, and want to fix those items. It doesn't seem like your husband is there yet. It may be time to start drawing some lines in the sand. Identify what your "must have" issues are.

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Old 08-31-2011, 02:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Only married 8mo, does it get better?

I'm 26 and he's 25. We've both had long term relationships, as well as short crazy ones, and well out of our "sowing wild oats" phases out of the way before we met. The first year together he was attentive and involved and always wanted me around. He was more passionate. Then shortly after I proposed he got more and more distant. I didn't notice it at the time, but as it has gotten worse I've been trying to figure out when he changed, so that I can try and figure out why.

There are a couple issues, which we have discussed ad nauseum:
1. He's never been very into sex, but it still happened at least once a week. Now its typical to go a couple months without it.

2. He expects me to keep house and make dinner and take care of all the errands, even while I worked full time and went to school part time and he was jobless. (This IS one of the things I am guilty of hoping would change). At this point, this issue is mostly resolved, I quit my job to go to school full time while he got a job and works full time. So I don't mind taking care of this stuff most of the time, as long as he does the dishes or folds laundry once in a while if I have a big exam or something. The only reason I still mention it here is that anytime I ask anything of him, he devalues everything I do and says that since he makes the money he shouldn't have to do anything else for me.

3. The not coming home/not willing to do things I would enjoy. This has developed over time and has gotten exponentially worse since we actually got married. It is also the thing that bugs me the most. The only people he wants to be around are his uncles and friends to play sports, drink, and play video games. We've talked about it several times and he aknowledges the problem, and we talk about solutions and steps he needs to take, but it never actually happens. The last time he didn't come home over the weekend (He had stayed out late at his friend's every night that week. Not partying or anything, he simply went over to play video games. Or his friend needed help fixing his truck, in the meantime my car has sat needing him to work on it for 3 months. Or his friend needed his help setting up his internet. Or his friend wanted him to go to dinner with him and his mother. Or he had a softball game with his uncles.), well after he let me know where he was for 2 days, I started packing my stuff. He begged me not to leave, and promised he would change. So I stayed. But it's been two weeks and I have spent one evening with him since then and it was spent mostly arguing.

I want back the guy I fell in love with, the one who made me feel like I was his world. Instead I feel like I've been demoted to housekeeper. I think he's taken ownership of most of his issues, and he SAYS he wants to fix them. I don't want to keep harping on him about the same old things. But I'm more and more unhappy, and it is distracting me from my school work.

And yes, from the discussions we've had lately, we have discovered we have very different ideas of marriage. I thought it would be like having my best friend (but we stopped talking and hanging out), and someone I could count on when I needed someone (but when something happens -like my car breaking down- my husband is usually too busy with his friend or uncles, and I have to call my dad or rely on myself). He seems to think having a wife as a status symbol, he says that we should each be able to live our own separate lives (I have no problem going and doing my own thing- but I would like to have him involved in those things at least SOME of the time).

This recently discovered fundamental difference is what leads me to consider divorce. Also, when I told him I couldn't be happy living his idea of marriage, he suggested we consider a divorce. I feel really stupid I didn't figure this out before we got married.
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Old 08-31-2011, 02:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Only married 8mo, does it get better?

Also, since we got married, our arguments have taken on a darker aspect. Before we got married, we would argue, yell, cry, talked until we made up. And usually it was over one of us being unsure of where we stood in the relationship. Not really a problem anymore.

Now our arguements are usually the same, the things I mentioned above. But sometimes he comes home and lashes out at me for no reason. I mention it, because I think it may be that he is mad he feel like he has to come home at all. For example:

A month and a half ago he stayed at his friends till about 11pm and I was at home asleep by then. He had promised to be home by 5pm, I had made dinner, put it in the fridge (I wanted to wait to eat till he came home), and gone to bed. I woke up about 10 minutes before he got home and saw I had just missed a call from him (the buzzing must have woken me up), I had a voicemail from him saying he was sorry he was late, but his friend was having trouble w/ his gf and he'd explain when he got home. Shortly after he walked in and asked why the hell I didn't answer my phone. I told him I had just woken up and listened to his voicemail. I asked him what had happened with his friend's gf. To which he said they were having problems. I asked him "ok, what happened?". He started got more mad at me and telling me he "already f***ing told me, they were having problems". So I told him nevermind, I didn't need him talking to me like that. I told him dinner was in the kitchen. He got up and started making himself a plate. I waited a few minutes trying to figure out why he was so mad at me. Then went into the kitchen to make myself a plate and reconcile and figure out what was wrong. At this point I figured maybe he had had a bad day and I wasn't the real thing he was mad at. In the process of making myself a plate I asked him what was wrong. He responded that I was just so stupid sometimes and that I should just go find someone else because he was sick of me acting dumb. This is the best way to get to me, and I felt so hurt and angry and confused that I threw my food at him (completely immature, I know). He started coming at me yelling at me to get my stuff and get out and in fear (I was hit a lot as a kid) and anger I paniced and hit him in the stomach. He grabbed me by the throat and yelled in my face and put me up against the wall and told me he couldn't stand me, and threw me over our couch. So I left and went to the park for a couple hours, and went home after he went to bed and slept in the spare bedroom. The next morning he didn't remember anything that had happened, and told me the last thing he really remembered was drinking at his friends house. We talked about what happened and he promised to not drink. That has changed to he will drink but not get drunk. So far he has kept that much of the promise. But while this is the latest incident, it isn't an isolated incident. He has lashed out like this a couple of times, but not quite so physically. But the physical part isn't the part that hurts me most... the part that sticks with me is him telling me he can't stand me... mostly because his behavior lately supports that statement.

I try not to nag too much, to just talk to him reasonably about the things that bug me. But I wonder if simply bringing it up again is enough to drive him away. What else am I supposed to do? I've caught myself getting snarky and passive aggressive in my resentment and have done my best to curb those impulses. He also says he can't stand me moping around being unhappy, although when I am happy and act excited to see him, he acts annoyed with me and pushes me away. I try to do nice things and be upbeat, but he doesn't seem to appreciate it or want to be around me. At this point I'm tired of being the only one trying to improve myself and the situation.

Any suggestions or similar experiences? Is there something I'm doing wrong, or could be doing better?
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:19 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Only married 8mo, does it get better?

You have no children. Leave him before you do.

This is no relationship and he's no man.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Only married 8mo, does it get better?

Leave. He's abusive physically, emotionally and verbally. You can't change him. He doesn't care about your feelings. And it sounds like he may be having an affair but the fact remains-he is abusive and treating you with contempt and resentment. Get out before it escalates.
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