Re: Only married 8mo, does it get better?
I'm 26 and he's 25. We've both had long term relationships, as well as short crazy ones, and well out of our "sowing wild oats" phases out of the way before we met. The first year together he was attentive and involved and always wanted me around. He was more passionate. Then shortly after I proposed he got more and more distant. I didn't notice it at the time, but as it has gotten worse I've been trying to figure out when he changed, so that I can try and figure out why.
There are a couple issues, which we have discussed ad nauseum:
1. He's never been very into sex, but it still happened at least once a week. Now its typical to go a couple months without it.
2. He expects me to keep house and make dinner and take care of all the errands, even while I worked full time and went to school part time and he was jobless. (This IS one of the things I am guilty of hoping would change). At this point, this issue is mostly resolved, I quit my job to go to school full time while he got a job and works full time. So I don't mind taking care of this stuff most of the time, as long as he does the dishes or folds laundry once in a while if I have a big exam or something. The only reason I still mention it here is that anytime I ask anything of him, he devalues everything I do and says that since he makes the money he shouldn't have to do anything else for me.
3. The not coming home/not willing to do things I would enjoy. This has developed over time and has gotten exponentially worse since we actually got married. It is also the thing that bugs me the most. The only people he wants to be around are his uncles and friends to play sports, drink, and play video games. We've talked about it several times and he aknowledges the problem, and we talk about solutions and steps he needs to take, but it never actually happens. The last time he didn't come home over the weekend (He had stayed out late at his friend's every night that week. Not partying or anything, he simply went over to play video games. Or his friend needed help fixing his truck, in the meantime my car has sat needing him to work on it for 3 months. Or his friend needed his help setting up his internet. Or his friend wanted him to go to dinner with him and his mother. Or he had a softball game with his uncles.), well after he let me know where he was for 2 days, I started packing my stuff. He begged me not to leave, and promised he would change. So I stayed. But it's been two weeks and I have spent one evening with him since then and it was spent mostly arguing.
I want back the guy I fell in love with, the one who made me feel like I was his world. Instead I feel like I've been demoted to housekeeper. I think he's taken ownership of most of his issues, and he SAYS he wants to fix them. I don't want to keep harping on him about the same old things. But I'm more and more unhappy, and it is distracting me from my school work.
And yes, from the discussions we've had lately, we have discovered we have very different ideas of marriage. I thought it would be like having my best friend (but we stopped talking and hanging out), and someone I could count on when I needed someone (but when something happens -like my car breaking down- my husband is usually too busy with his friend or uncles, and I have to call my dad or rely on myself). He seems to think having a wife as a status symbol, he says that we should each be able to live our own separate lives (I have no problem going and doing my own thing- but I would like to have him involved in those things at least SOME of the time).
This recently discovered fundamental difference is what leads me to consider divorce. Also, when I told him I couldn't be happy living his idea of marriage, he suggested we consider a divorce. I feel really stupid I didn't figure this out before we got married.