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Should I stay or should I go?!?!?

5K views 54 replies 10 participants last post by  DanielleBennett 
#1 ·
Hi there. I am a new poster but have been reading blogs and posts for a while now. Forgive me if i am not to familiar with the acronyms and lingo of this forum but I'll try to learn quickly :smiley:. So here's a little background...my Husband and I are both in our 40's, have been married for 16 years, HS sweethearts, and have 2 kids...15 yo son and 10 yo daughter. We are both working parents and have good careers. Our kids are very fortunate and are involved in every activity imagine able. We have lots of friends, great family and nice house that we have been in since we were married. To say the least...seems like the perfect lil family!

Rewind to about 5 yrs ago...I had an affair with a married friend of the family and was also friends with his wife. It lasted about 8 months until we finally got caught. I moved out of my house, he moved out too but didn't see each other long after that. He moved back home and I never talked to him again. Although I feel like he is my soul mate, his kids and family needed to come first and I had to let go. So not too much long after, my husband asked me to come back home and I did (although I think it was too soon and we both weren't ready.). We went to marriage counseling and it did help me but not to sure about him. He may have forgivin me about the EA, but has definitely not forgotten as I am still reminded about it to this day.

You may be wondering at this point what the problem is...well it's the ILYBNILWY issue and I can't get it back. I tell my BFF that I should be given the Academy award as no one knows how unhappy I am except me. This past summer I actually expressed to him how I felt and thought maybe a seperation would do us good. He said absolutely not that he would divorce first before separating so I again agreed to stay and work on it...and mainly for the kids sake as the last seperation he was a raging lunatic and didn't want them to have to go through that again.

I'm basically just asking for advice on when you should stay or go and if anyone had regrets down the road for staying too long? Or regrets for leaving? Here are some other pros and cons of my husband.

Pros
1. He is a great dad! Coaches the kids and their friends, at every event he can attend, loves to spend time with them.
2. He is a good provider. He caters to our wants and needs.
3. He helps family and friends out when needed.
4. Loves to shop and buy buy buy

Cons:
1. He likes to drink...especially on the weekends. And usually will drink until he passes out. My son has resented him and now doesn't like to go anywhere with us because he will usually get drunk.
2. He likes to yell at the kids a little to much...he's that dad that is yelling from the stands at a baseball game telling them what they are doing wrong. He gets mad when their shoes are in the living rm and will ground them if so.
3. He is an over obsessive spender. Will buy large items without consulting me or just expensive stuff that we don't need.
4. I would say he is controlling. He used to be worse but I have kind of changed my behavior towards him and I think he gets it now
5. Our sex life-3-4 times a week. But it's just pleasing him...not any of it for me. But that's because I don't have that connection.
6. Majority of the time I cringe at the thought of going home after work...knowing I have to walk on egg shells on whether or not he has s good day or bad day at work.
 
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#2 ·
If he's still reminding you of your affair, he has not forgiven you.

I think you guys should try counseling again before throwing in the towel.
 
#4 ·
Ehhh... the bigger issue here, IMO, is that she doesn't love him the way that a wife should love her husband.

And I'm pretty sure he's picking up on that.
 
#3 · (Edited)
Hi there. I am a new poster but have been reading blogs and posts for a while now. Forgive me if i am not to familiar with the acronyms and lingo of this forum but I'll try to learn quickly :smiley:. So here's a little background...my Husband and I are both in our 40's, have been married for 16 years, HS sweethearts, and have 2 kids...15 yo son and 10 yo daughter. We are both working parents and have good careers. Our kids are very fortunate and are involved in every activity imagine able. We have lots of friends, great family and nice house that we have been in since we were married. To say the least...seems like the perfect lil family!

Rewind to about 5 yrs ago...I had an affair with a married friend of the family and was also friends with his wife. It lasted about 8 months until we finally got caught. I moved out of my house, he moved out too but didn't see each other long after that. He moved back home and I never talked to him again. Although I feel like he is my soul mate, his kids and family needed to come first and I had to let go. So not too much long after, my husband asked me to come back home and I did (although I think it was too soon and we both weren't ready.). We went to marriage counseling and it did help me but not to sure about him. He may have forgivin me about the EA, but has definitely not forgotten as I am still reminded about it to this day.

You may be wondering at this point what the problem is...well it's the ILYBNILWY issue and I can't get it back. I tell my BFF that I should be given the Academy award as no one knows how unhappy I am except me. This past summer I actually expressed to him how I felt and thought maybe a seperation would do us good. He said absolutely not that he would divorce first before separating so I again agreed to stay and work on it...and mainly for the kids sake as the last seperation he was a raging lunatic and didn't want them to have to go through that again.

I'm basically just asking for advice on when you should stay or go and if anyone had regrets down the road for staying too long? Or regrets for leaving? Here are some other pros and cons of my husband.

Pros
1. He is a great dad! Coaches the kids and their friends, at every event he can attend, loves to spend time with them.
2. He is a good provider. He caters to our wants and needs.
3. He helps family and friends out when needed.
4. Loves to shop and buy buy buy

Cons:
1. He likes to drink...especially on the weekends. And usually will drink until he passes out. My son has resented him and now doesn't like to go anywhere with us because he will usually get drunk.
2. He likes to yell at the kids a little to much...he's that dad that is yelling from the stands at a baseball game telling them what they are doing wrong. He gets mad when their shoes are in the living rm and will ground them if so.
3. He is an over obsessive spender. Will buy large items without consulting me or just expensive stuff that we don't need.
4. I would say he is controlling. He used to be worse but I have kind of changed my behavior towards him and I think he gets it now
5. Our sex life-3-4 times a week. But it's just pleasing him...not any of it for me. But that's because I don't have that connection.
6. Majority of the time I cringe at the thought of going home after work...knowing I have to walk on egg shells on whether or not he has s good day or bad day at work.
I don't understand why you balked at the notion of divorce vs separation.





#guspo9k
 
#11 ·
I agree with a poster that if he is still throwing it in your face then he hasn't forgiven you. You were wrong to have an affair though, so of course I can understand why it hurts him and he is having a hard time with forgiveness. I wouldn't stay in a marriage if my spouse had an affair, simple as that, I would like to be respected as a spouse and a human being. But if you really want to work on it, then give counseling another try before going the divorce route. But please remember something...do not stay married if you are truly unhappy and do not do it for the sake of the kids. The kids will feel the tension and it will end up hurting them too. Sometimes divorcing is the better thing to do for the kids because they wouldn't have to hear you two arguing all of the time.
 
#13 ·
Thanks for the advice. Yes I do agree the kids are affected...my oldest knew what happened and why I left do when my husband foes throw it in my face and threatens to tell the kids and everyone what a liar and cheater I am...I basically tell him to go for it cuz I have forgiven myself and not ashamed to admit my wrongdoings.
 
#12 ·
Blue, you and you H have some big challenges. But, they aren't insurmountable. You have kids and overall it sounds like you have a very nice family life. It sounds like it's certainly worth an all-out attempt to improve your marriage. If you can improve your marriage, you'll keep your family intact and you'll be able to enjoy the life you and H have built.

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs? This book maps out a plan for building love in marriage. Neither you nor your husband are getting your emotional needs met. This book will help.

Another book that you need is Love Busters, by the same author. Your husband is killing any chance of you getting love back for him. He needs to end his angry outbursts. He needs to get a handle on his drinking, too. No (sober) wife can respect a husband who's passed out each weekend. He's losing the respect of his kids, too. Whether or not he's an alcoholic is irrelevant; he's harming his primary relationships. The book will help both of you identify things you're doing to harm your relationships.

It's a very simple and effective plan: stop doing things that harm the marriage; do things that create love. If you felt that your husband truly understood you and knew how to love you, you wouldn't be thinking about your ex-AP. (You'd be reveling in your wonderful marriage instead.) Your husband is blatantly saying to you that he doesn't feel like you love him. He is also feeling out in the cold. Neither of you are in love with each other. But you two can change that.

Of course, even if you read the books (you can find most of the info online as well at the Marriage Builders website) and you want to do the program, it's questionable on whether or your husband would agree to try it out.

I recommend that you check out the information, see if any of it rings true for you. If it does, this might be a great time for a frank discussion. Something like: you aren't willing to waste anymore time in a loveless marriage. The two of you are great co-parents and partners, but the marriage is dying. You found a program that you think will help you both bring love back into the marriage, where he will feel loved, admired, respected, and you will feel loved too. You'd like to review the program and get his buy in, and you are willing to give it a year for an all-out, major, last ditch effort. You have great kids and a great life together, you can also have a great marriage and preserve, even build on, everything you've built up so far. But if you are still unhappy and feeling unloved in Dec 2016, it might be time to end things and free you both to go find more compatible partners.

Of course, I would recommend this if you actually feel this way. It sounds like you're close to being ready to walk, so I'm guessing that you do feel like it's very close to now or never. You don't have any immediate pressing issues. Your affair is long over. Your husband has boorish but not abusive behavior. I truly hope you two can fix it.
 
#14 ·
Thanks so much for the advice and info on the books! I will definitely look into them as well as Marriage builders. I am in no hurry to check out or would have done it a long time ago. I am pretty easy going, so I don't let things bother me much. Unfortunately that is a downfall cuz I hold everything in and should be expressing my needs and wants a little more.
 
#15 ·
Great! The MB forums are a little scary, but Dr. Harley really has nailed down a wry effective plan for restoring love in marriages. I hope its helpful for you and your H.
 
#25 ·
Normally I would say that separation is a bed idea. It is hard to fix a marriage when you don't live together. For that reason, most separations end in divorce.


But the drinking is a HUGE problem. A marriage cannot be fixed until the alcoholic is sober for a period of time. His anger issues are similar is that there is no way you and your children should have to deal with that. In cases where things like alcoholism is a problem, a separation can be good because it puts everything on hold under the person has given up all drinking and has their head screwed on straight. Then you two could start dating again and see how it goes.
 
#26 · (Edited)
You do keep saying it was an EA when it was a full blown sexual affair. Perhaps some denial/hiding on your part? From what you write your husband was and is a plan B. I would suspect unless he's totally stupid he does realize this. Maybe the reason for some of his actions.

The reason I asked about the time after DDAY is because unless both of you are 100% working on reconciliation there is no hope of true success. You seem to have very little remorse. Maybe it's time he just got over it? You say he acted like a lunatic during the aftermath. Do you have any idea what he went through or tried to at least put yourself in his shoes during this time? The betrayal around this for a man or woman is devastating, overwhelming, etc. It's of not as much consequence to the cheater as they aren't on the receiving end of it.

In a normal marriage both spouses have issues/problems they need to fix, work on. When you throw infidelity into the mix it's factored up substantially.

This one thing you got. The separation wasn't long enough. The thing that should always be thought out first is this. Can he live with this forever????? Can you ever be his wife again???? Many can't and you are both wasting your time and life on this. However, you do have history, children, etc and most always find the grass isn't as green over there as they thought after a period of time.

Divorce is the easier route but you have to start completely over (deal with custody,etc) and there are no guarantees. The OM/OW after the initial lust/special time is over may not be as great as thought. Many find this out too late. In the affair it's all good times/exciting.

You both have a lot to learn, think about, if you're smart that is.
 
#29 ·
You do keep saying it was an EA when it was a full blown sexual affair. Perhaps some denial/hiding on your part? From what you write your husband was and is a plan B. I would suspect unless he's totally stupid he does realize this. Maybe the reason for some of his actions.

The reason I asked about the time after DDAY is because unless both of you are 100% working on reconciliation there is no hope of true success. You seem to have very little remorse. Maybe it's time he just got over it? You say he acted like a lunatic during the aftermath. Do you have any idea what he went through or tried to at least put yourself in his shoes during this time? The betrayal around this for a man or woman is devastating, overwhelming, etc. It's of not as much consequence to the cheater as they aren't on the receiving end of it.

In a normal marriage both spouses have issues/problems they need to fix, work on. When you throw infidelity into the mix it's factored up substantially.

This one thing you got. The separation wasn't long enough. The thing that should always be thought out first is this. Can he live with this forever????? Can you ever be his wife again???? Many can't and you are both wasting your time and life on this. However, you do have history, children, etc and most always find the grass isn't as green over there as they thought after a period of time.

Divorce is the easier route but you have to start completely over (deal with custody,etc) and there are no guarantees. The OM/OW after the initial lust/special time is over may not be as great as thought. Many find this out too late. In the affair it's all good times/exciting.

You both have a lot to learn, think about if you're smart that is.
We have gone through a lot the last 5 years and I have/had lots of remorse, and truly apologized. I totally understand what I did to him and our family. When I say he was a raging lunatic, I am completely fine with him yelling at me and throwing my things in the front yard cuz I derserved that...but when he did those things and caused scenes in front of the kids and out in public while I was with our kids, that was the part I had issues with. I can say that I have been a good wife the last few years and working on some issues that he has had with me. It is a continual process of working together and trying to please each other. But I feel like it's not good enough for him as he does make comments about me not deserving him anymore.
 
This post has been deleted
#32 ·
Good luck having any kind of an emotional connection with an alcoholic.

I would say your marriage is over. From what I've learned on this site, men can't get over physical infidelity. You could have shared every emotion known to humanity with the other guy; and your husband would have been, "meh!". But let it get physical and that's pretty much all she wrote.

I don't really blame him; it's understandable. But if it had been an emotional affair only; I think you guys would have more of a chance of reconciliation.

That and the fact you did hanker after your affair partner, who ended things between you.

Drinking to the point of passing out is BAD news. If you divorce, that's something to consider when he would have the kids at his place for the weekend, you know?
Not quite.
 
#31 ·
Your husband has issues/problems he needs to fix. You can't fix them. No one can but him.
Maybe he needs to stay off the ball field, concentrate on making himself a better man. I know the type.

The big question for you is what do you want? You have issues and problems as well. Take a good hard look.

To make this marriage into what it should be will take a huge amount of work. If you don't feel like you or he can do it. Divorce is perhaps an easier path to take but you have to take what comes with it which is the unknown at this time.

Good luck to you both whatever path you take.
 
#44 ·
You can do this but you need to woman up and lead the way at first then expect him to take the lead.

This is as much his marriage as yours and he has to do his part. You both should expect it from each other.

It may turn out better than you could imagine. The truth always counts no matter what. Good or bad. It has a way of fixing things.
 
#46 ·
hey, I am new here as well and haven't read all the other posts. But I can totally relate to you.. I've been with my husband 13 years and I've gone back and forth over the years as to whether I should divorce or not. I had an affair 3 years ago for 3 months and it was the first time I ever did anything like that and I will never do it again. I was trying to use it as an exit affair but I ended up staying with my husband as he did a complete 180 and became the perfect husband. That has since went south. sigh.
but often I do miss that other guy, but I really don't miss "him". I realize now it was all lust and I didn't really love "him". I just loved the way he made me feel. I was extremely happy during that time and was really focused on myself. I now see that I don't miss him I just miss the way I FELT during that time. I try to get it back and be all happy and focused on myself these days but when my husband is lying or being distant it's hard to be "happy" these days. I totally have the ILBNILYWY scenario going on as well.. it's hard. My husband is a really good husband as far as taking care of me and our family and hes a great dad... he just LIES and can be crappy at times. So it's like I don't even LIKE him anymore, but totally still love him. It's hard bc the longer it goes, year by year I'm wondering if i'm wasting time by being in this marriage or am I doing the right thing for the kids by staying. It's frustrating. I just want to be happy.
no really advice for you, just can totally relate with your situation. HUGS
 
#52 ·
Hi there. Glad to see someone can relate to what I am going through. The funny thing is my husband lies a lot too and just about stupid stuff. His friends see it and often call me a saint for putting up with it. But then his good side comes out and it's like well maybe he is not so bad. Like I said he is a good dad and good provider and we have a good life. You are right about the feelings...it's not him I miss, it's the feelings and kept thinking I would get them back with my husband. But it hasn't happened yet even when he did a 180 this summer. It has since gone back to the same stuff and even my son said..I though dad was gonna change. What do you say to that? I am getting older and often feel like the years are slipping away. They say you are pretty much gone when you don't get angry or upset at him for anything he does and I'm there. I have caught him going to a bar with some other girl and didn't leave. Of course that was my chance but felt like he was paying me back for what I did to him....so again the guiltiness set in. I hope I get that sign one day to tell me what is best for me and my family! Keep in touch...would love to see how it turns out for you too! :heart::heartpulse::purple_heart:
 
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