She feels numb
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Old 12-02-2008, 03:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy She feels numb

HISTORY
My wife and I met over three years ago (Jul 05) and got together 2 months later. She was very keen to become my partner, but I had just come out of a previous relationship which left me feeling unworthy, so I asked her to wait. When I was ready I asked her out. Our relationship grew and grew, and we went out with friends and stayed at each others houses nearly everyday.
After nearly a year and a half (Dec 06), we decided we loved each other enough to get married, which we then planned a month later to have 10 months in the future. We then looked at moving in together, which we did in April 07.
Things did change alot as they do when moving in occurs, but we still loved each other, spent time in each others company and got married in Sept 07 which was the happiest day in my life.
Things were going smoothly, or so I thought. She started going out with friends more and more and wanting to spend less time at home with me. We were getting low on money getting close to our anniversary, and although we went out for dinner, we would have wanted more.
Time goes on, and we decide that we should save the money and not get xmas presents because we wanted to save up to have a child, which we tried hard to do during last month. She had a test come when she was due a period and it came negative.

SITUATION
Anyways, the problem started last friday night, when she went out and came back really drunk, and acted really cold towards me. I got annoyed as I had work the next day, and wanted to have a talk about when I got home. When I did, she gave the looks of she wasn't bothered at all, and told me she doesn't feel guilty in the slightest. I then got worried about her lack of feelings and wanted to dig deeper.
She told me that recently she has felt like something was missing in our relationship, which started when we moved in and grew since. Thats when she decided she wanted to try for a baby. As soon as the test came back, she said she was actually glad, and that a baby wasn't what was missing. I asked if there was something I was doing wrong, or if I had upset her, and she says no, she just doesnt feel sad or angry, just numb, that her feelins for our relationship had changed.
This obviously came as a massive shock to me, as last week we were trying for a child, and now she hasnt got feelings for our relationship. She cant/wont explain why this, just that her feelings arent the same.
We had a talk and she said we were better when we were BF and GF, so we went out sun night and although she was distant, she still hugged and kissed me occasionally but it seemed forced and fake. When we got back she said that going on the BF and GF thing would be best, and hinted at the more advanced state of moving out and possibly even divorce, but (maybe) not splitting up.

SOLUTIONS?
We both have suspicion she suffers from "Seasonal Affective Disorder", which causes her to feel depressed in the winter months. Although not ideal, Im hoping its just a bad case of this condition which is causing a blip. Im suggested it, but she doubts it as its never been this strong, but I told her I will be here if it is, and she needs me.

Another thing that I believe is the problem is that when we moved in and we were in each others company, we would sit other ends of the sofa, with her watching TV, and me on the computer (no she's not here now!). I would spend alot of time listening to music and planning trips to go on. Problem is I was planning on going to attractive places with interest of taking pictures, but chances are I wouldnt pay much attention to her. Also, whenever she goes out and invites me, I usually say no because its not my thing. I do alot of housework and help her with everything so thats not the problem either. Although I feel I have neglected her, she assures me that she knew I was that type of person months before we decided to Wed.

I suspected that she had met someone else, not quite cheated, but just a better option that me, but she says this isn't the case. I know who she goes out with, and is still at home with me when she isnt at work. She still kisses me, hugs me, she is responsive to talk to me about the problems and offers for me to call her if i ever want to talk, but she still seems so cold, and set in her ways of possibly splitting up.

We are going to see a counsellor tonight which she agreed on, but she doesnt seem to be very responsive in being enthusiastic to try and solve our problems. She says the counsellor will just say we are both to blame and that shes got feelings she knows she doesn't. Although she says shes going to be open minded, I feel she wont, and her mind is made up.

I don't want to have to resort to moving out, and getting a divorce, and I hope she will be responsive to the advice of the counsellor, but I feel she is stuck with her opinions and will just leave me without trying to fix a relationship which doesn't seem to be hugely broken.

Does anyone else know how far the SAD condition will make people feel? What would you suggest?
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Old 12-02-2008, 10:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: She feels numb

Yes my son suffers from SAD, so things are different in the winter as opposed to the summer, and no matter the extra effort it still isn't enough. Her getting out in the sun will help as well as talking to your doctor. My sons diet was changed to help the winter months.

Further it seems once you moved in together you stopped dating her, you took it for granted that you had her there. Get out atleast once a week, Since you have no kids I'd say 2-3 times a week.

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Old 12-03-2008, 06:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: She feels numb

Thanks for the reply. I do agree that we took each other for granted and we ended up what felt like just friends or even just room mates. With this being my feelings i did take her out on sunday, and plan to go out more also.

The things is i feel like shes convinced herself that she doesnt think we can properly work together again. She told me she is still physically attracted to me, and that we should just act like theres nothing wrong, but she also said she doesnt want to be too couply or make any sexual contact while she tries to figure out whats wrong. Im worried that with the lack of attention whilst this difficult period is going will only reinforce her feels of neglect.

I dont know how to act around her, and seem to be walking on egg shells which is never good.
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Old 12-03-2008, 06:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: She feels numb

First thing to do is rebuild your communication skills with her. Really listen to what she is saying. I always thought I heard my first wife, I did but I wasn't listening to the fact that she was telling me there was a problem. While I thought I convinced her that it was for us and the future, a future she could not see, and a lonely feeling and neglect I left her with until it was to late. I was the classic nice guy and we talked a lot going up to our divorce and after. It made me see just how wrong things were for her. I understood that she was crying out for help and although I heard it I wasn't listening to it. I settled in the mundane life. It took my second marriage to get it right. You are in a beter situation than I was. So the first thing to do is to really start communicating with her. Hold her hand when you go out. Say hi when you or she comes home. Give a hug/kiss if she allows you to. let her know that she is special without seeming phony.

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Old 12-03-2008, 08:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: She feels numb

Yes my son suffers from SAD, so things are different in the winter as opposed to the summer, and no matter the extra effort it still isn't enough. Her getting out in the sun will help as well as talking to your doctor. My sons diet was changed to help the winter months.



The sun helps because it gives you vitamin D. I have just read a lot about this disorder this week and it seems it stems from a vitamin D definciancy.
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Old 12-04-2008, 02:45 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: She feels numb

At least the SAD is a theory. She says she has it, and said about 4 weeks ago that she gets horrible thoughts of just harming herself or crashing her car. She never does it, and never even considers it good, but in the winter that urge is there.

Thing is, at the moment she seems fine and perfectly happy to me. She'll chat online with a smile on her face, she'll laugh on the phone to her friends and family and also TV programs. If we are not having a discussion about whats happening between us, it feels like she doesnt even acknowledge I even exist.

We went to counselling Tueday night, which she was receptive and felt happy going there, she didnt seem all to bothered about what was going on. We were told to do journals for a week before going back and fill with thoughts, things that annoy us, our common ground, etc. Yesterday I wrote about 6 pages of my feelings and she hasn't even started. Also, with such a shake-up with everything, whereas Im concerned and want to save us, she says she doesn't feel bother, doesn't have mood changes, shes sleeping fine and eating fine, doesnt feel ill or anything. I really feel that our marriage is her very last priority.

Can someone who was besotted with me for so long, to then just switch off, and just ignore me and our relationship, ever get those feelings back?
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Old 12-04-2008, 08:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: She feels numb

Yes you can get those feelings back.

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Old 12-05-2008, 10:06 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I now believe shes getting into an EA with someone she works with. She was chatting to him online for nearly an hour, and over say that she invited to meet him at lunchtime for a nice chat.

I confronted her about this and she said i dont need to worry about anyone else getting involved, but surely her focusing on this guy is avoiding the problems we have.

I have been chatting to her mum about it and she agrees with me, but we seem to be struggling to get her to concentrate on our marriage.

After i say this i freaked out and smashed up photos of us, because i feel so frustrated that she isnt bothering. This was a big mistake i know, and whether things are or arent happening, this has broken things more.

I dont feel i can tell her to not talk to him and focus on us because her mind seems set on running anyway, and she might resent me for it, with stronger feelings of leaving me.
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Old 12-05-2008, 12:06 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: She feels numb

okay..smashing pictures...bad...

think about this: did the other dude smash pictures??? of course not. now HE's one up on you.

you hit the nail on the head...she's gonna end up resenting you and if she had an inkling of leaving, something like that might push her out.
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