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How do I fix things

42K views 486 replies 38 participants last post by  Blossom Leigh 
#1 ·
My marriage seems to be deteriorating. I want to fix things, but I am not sure how.

I have a lot to be thankful for, we have 2 smart children. My husband makes 90k with thousands more in bonuses. We live in a cozy house in a beautiful neighborhood with good schools. I am able to work on Saturday only for $22 per hour. We are both 32. We have been together since 20. We also have a good sex life and usually do it every other day.

I felt that things were deteriorating at the birth of my daughter. And I tried to fix things. I read John Gottman's 7 principles. I tried to follow the advice, but my husband wasn't listening to me about it. We were arguing and he ended up screaming at me that he was just going to divorce me. I felt very sad, but he recanted.

I think a lot has to do with how difficult my husband's job is, and we don't spend enough 1:1 time. He works long hours and our children are 8 and 15 months. On top of this by the end of the day, I am exhausted and we rarely spend time together.

The problems are that my husband is hard for me to work with. For one thing, he rarely gives a direct answer. He answers questions with more questions. I often get exhausted and give up when trying to say anything to him.

In the past, he has done things to me that were unkind. Example: he would say he'll be right there and then keep working for another hour while I waited. He has stopped this recently. He also encouraged me to ask him out for lunch and then said no over 100 times (literally). Now I am refusing to ask at all because I assume no. He thinks this is not trying. I am tired of asking and being turned down: Impasse.

He woke me up late on Friday night by turning all the lights on in our bedroom and slamming things around. I had to work eary in the morning. I woke up and told him I am so tired of you. Let's just get divorced.

I asked him to come and help me find my county pass because I wanted to go to the gym. He said he would be down in a minute. I was angry because I wanted to find it and leave so I just slammed and shattered my phone.

We just feel so much resentment towards each other. How do we solve it?
 
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#5 ·
Also he is reading this too.
Good.

Then hopefully he will soon know how damn lucky he is that he hasn't lost you yet. Get him to pick up one of those books on walk-away-wives. (WHAT? There ARE NONE?).

Hey dude. I am you. Your wife is mine. By the time I realized how far she was gone, it was too late to fix myself. It was too late to win her back. It went on for 15 years before I realized she was gone. It may be too late for you as well.

She's getting ready to walk if she hasn't already. Of that I have NO DOUBT. And I also know you will brush this advice off "that's not us". I know that because it's what push-away husbands do. It's what I did. And now my wife curls up into a ball of a cocoon EVERY NIGHT when we go to bed. With her back to me. Sometimes a half-hearted good night. Usually not. I die a little more ever time that happens.

But that's just me. I may be an idiot and not know what I'm talking about. Good luck to you.

You're losing her. And you don't know it yet. You STILL won't know it when this thread dies and falls to page 7. Because we're STILL treating walk-away-wives as all of the millions of little individual scenarios and not the big picture.

Get your sh1t together pal, or you'll be me at 50.
 
#7 ·
McCoy--I am sorry to hear about your problems. Thanks for your helpful answer. I love my husband and I want to find a way to work things out.

He also may he taking out his frustrations on me. He is a good person, and a smart person. I can also be annoying. I get overwhelmed. He gets overwhelmed.

Maybe having a young child is a hard time.

I don't really know what is going on in his mind.

He walked to work so I wouldn't have to drive him. He helped me with the baby. He played phase 10 with me.
 
#8 ·
To me, nothing you mentioned seems un-fixable. It sounds like you both are just exhausted. Have you tried counseling? I think that you two could both do some things to help each other out (I mean, this goes for every couple) and meet in the middle regarding your issues. Perhaps you could both tell each other two things that you would like to work on - then truly do it.

If he's reading this too, that makes me feel like you both know what you have is worth fighting for. Kids are HARD. Working full-time is HARD. Marriage and life are HARD. You both are probably doing the best you can but with a few changes, things can really get better.

I think that he's doing some disrespectful things that he should apologize for and then you can agree to drop it and start fresh. Make sure he knows that you are worth being a top priority for him - and show him the same in return. You may be doing this already but ask him if he feels like you make him a priority. There might be an area in which you could work harder. You never know ... just make the conversation a healthy one that doesn't turn into an argument -- which is where a therapist can truly help.

This may sound dumb but is there any chance you two could jet off without the kids for a mini-vacation and reconnect a little? Not just as a quick fix but as a fresh start?
 
#9 ·
My marriage seems to be deteriorating. I want to fix things, but I am not sure how.


We just feel so much resentment towards each other. How do we solve it?
How? Eliminate your expectations. Solved.

It is that simple, but getting there is not usually an overnight process. I am writing an article right now and the topic seems to apply here as well. Stop and think before you do or say something negative to one another. You have a 15-month-old, that is an incredible burden on a relationship. You indicate that he has a pretty tough work-load, which, likewise, places a burden on the relationship.

He probably didn't think he would have to turn you down for lunch. He made an honest attempt, it just isn't working out as he envisioned. Can you not see the positivity in that? Of course it hurts to be rejected, but it depends from what viewpoint you are looking from. Are you looking at rejection while standing hand and hand with him or in a standoff, staring him down? This is a problem for the relationship and it needs the relationship (2 people) to solve it. Instead of resenting the rejection (and him), work together to find a way to have lunch together.

In terms of the communication breakdown, it seems he is overly tasked and can't shake the thoughts and load from his shoulders. Again, think about his feelings. Does he want this tax on his mind, body and emotions? Use compassion and find a way to solve the problem as a couple. My partner and I have a newborn, and we make an incredible effort to have some sort of 1-on-1 every single night. Sometimes it is only 60 seconds before I inevitably pass out, but that effort is there. In that case, I tell her to wake me up so we can cuddle when the fussy baby goes to sleep. It takes an all day effort to get 60 seconds or 60 minutes together, but we work together to get that.

A little acceptance from both individuals will go a LONG way.
 
#52 ·
How? Eliminate your expectations. Solved.


He probably didn't think he would have to turn you down for lunch. He made an honest attempt, it just isn't working out as he envisioned. Can you not see the positivity in that?
A little acceptance from both individuals will go a LONG way.
A HUNDRED times? He could not make a lunch date 100 freaking times? Where do you draw a line between "have no expectations" and "have no respect"?
 
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#10 ·
Yes, I think that our marriage is fixable. I don't want to nag him, but I also don't want to be a doormat. He listens better if I text him; otherwise, he never listens. If I tell him one thing I don't like, he starts trying to fix that. And sometimes he can be a jerk.

He doesn't want to leave his job. We can't downsize. We live in Atlanta. We are just outside and we only paid about 207k (in 2012) for our house. Our neighbor was selling and we asked their realtor what we could get for our house. She looked around and did comps. It is only 1700 square feet which is a good size for us.

We are outside of the Atlanta school district, so with the school cheating scandal our neighborhood is now sought after; it is outside of the Atlanta school district, but close to everything. We also have a homestead exception, so we only pay $600 per month for taxes, which we would lose if we moved. We couldn't find a better place in the Atlanta.

We are originally from the Southern Illinois area, so we are fine with smaller places, but they don't offer the best jobs. I love Chattanooga and I would love to live in Tennessee.

I don't want to leave our kids for a get away. I like having them with me. I like knowing that they are safe and well cared for. We are going to leave them with a parents night out program once per week.
 
#11 ·
To wistefull_thinking husband - Money is just money, you can always make more. Your wife needs something that is even more valuable than money, as you CANNOT make more.

What is it? Your TIME! Find a sitter, get someone to handle your calls for a day. Take your wife out to breakfast, lunch & dinner. Make plans during this day on how BOTH of you will work on your marriage.

In advance of this date, get the 5 love languages book. Both of you read it & take the tests. Then discuss results on your day together. Also plan on how to spend more time together as a couple, AND with the kids.

Your marriage sounds salvageable. Much better than being alone or having to start dating all over again. Both of you have issues you need to work on. If you both have willing hearts, nothing is out of reach.
 
#15 ·
What are your husband's complaints? It sounds like you two just don't have a fun life together. He is trying to "do his job" at work and at home. But not trying to have fun with you at home. If he didn't respect you or care for you, he wouldn't help out at home and try when you told him there was a problem. But he's not feeling happy for some reason. You have to figure out why you are both unhappy. Like I said, what are his complaints?

Husband: You will never know pain until you see her walking out the door for the last time, or see her with another man after you're divorced, or hearing your kids tell you about a fun trip they took with their step dad.

Get to the bottom of this! Women will be unhappy for a while and still love you. But once the switch is turned off---- it will not come back on no matter how much you beg or try to change. I am truly praying for you. I don't want your wife to fall out of love with you.

Wife: whatever it takes, don't give up hope and help your husband. He sounds like a good guy, just overworked. A good man is far harder to find than you may think!
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#16 ·
The answering a question with a question and slamming and breaking your phone are two signs of immaturity. Kids don't need kids for parents. Cut out some of the things that are causing the both of you stress. If it's the marriage that's causing stress, seek counseling.

BTW, we can understand you perfectly well. You don't need to clarify just because your husband tells you to. So, how's about he get on and explain himself? Especially about turning you down for lunch 100 of 100 invitations and then tells you to try harder. That is the mark of a manipulator and a controller.
 
#17 ·
I agree that those are both signs of immaturity, and they are the worst things we have done. And not usual behavior for us.

Does my husband have complaints. Yes. Mostly about work but he does say I just don't appreciate him. I write him love notes that say thank you regularly, so I am not sure what else I can do.

This is the kind of things he says:

--people are always asking me for things. I am busy why can't they let me do my job?

--whatever I do my boss just asks me for more.

--my assistant is an idiot. I am going to have to ask my boss to fire her.

--why do you hate me?

-- no one appreciates me.

I don't think he is an evil manipulator at all.
 
#18 ·
It sounds like you have forgotten what ever brought you two together as a couple to begin with. Work, children etc. have clouded that and maybe giving the money too much power as a symbol of success.

I think if your families are still in Illinois take a 4 day weekend or however long you can take and just go back and relax and maybe go out to eat where you ate when you dated or wherever you hung out. It seems like perspective is gained when you remember how you started. If no family there you two take a quick weekend to go back to the dating days.

Speaking from an experience of my parents divorcing after 43 yrs when I thought they had everything and the money to get whatever they wanted- All the money in the world won't make a happy family if you forget what it is that made you a family
 
#19 ·
The following is a post that was made by wistful_thinking's husband. I deleted it because his user name was not anonymous. He will be creating his own account under an anonymous name. But until he does that I'm quoting his post until he gets a new user name.

I am the husband in this situation
@Blondilocks. You asked me to get on and explain my actions. That is fair

I am a Senior Applications Developer for a respectable company.

For years my team has been understaffed. A few years ago we had 3 full time developers and 3 contractors to do all of our developing work, including myself. Now we have 1, and we have more work. I am all that is left frantically trying to do all the work that should be handled by at least 3 people.

I honestly want to eat lunch with my wife. It's just that something always seemed to come up, and make it so that I couldn't get away. I feel horrible that I had to turn her down do many times. I love my wife and kids more then anything, and I am ashamed with myself that I let things get to this point.

I should have just said from the beginning that I couldn't eat lunch with her instead of turning her down so many times. It was just that I wanted to eat lunch with her, and was trying to make an effort. I have taken about 10 lunch breaks in about 3 years other then that I stay at my desk trying to keep things afloat. I am not trying to make excuses here. Nothing excuses my actions. I just wanted to explain my actions and choices.

The next logical question is why do I stay and put up with all of this. Simply put it is the best way to keep our finances in order. We moved from Illinois almost five years ago, and until recently we had a mortgage from Illinois along with our current mortgage. I was waiting for the housing market to improve to sell the other house, and finally about six months ago decided it wasn't going to improve. I had to borrow 25K to finally sell it, which I am now trying to pay back. I also worked a second job until about a year ago just trying to keep the family clothed fed, and provided for.

As far as slamming things around while my wife was trying to sleep that was an accident. My wife said she wanted to do something with the family after she got off work the next day, and if I was going to have the kids in the morning there would not be a chance to take a shower the next day. I was trying to quietly take a shower so that when she got done with work I would be ready to do what she wanted to do. Stealth I'd not one of my strong points and it backfired, that is muy fault.

As far as answering questions with questions. This Is something I have always done, my parents biggest complaint growing up was that no one could get a straight answer out of me. I will be the first to admit I am a horrible listener. This has to change I know that



I am not trying to make excuses, I just want to explain myself. Things are finally starting to slow down at work, we are trying to hire more people, and that has started to free me up a bit. I want to make things right.

My wife is one of the hardest workers I have ever met, and her complaints are valid. I feel that she needs more sleep, and more time to relax.

The only way I know to give her more sleep is for me to walk each morning to the park and ride each morning so that she can get more sleep, since I don't have a license do to medical issues this seems like the best option.

I am trying to help more around the house with
the cleaning, and the kids when I get home to take the pressures off her a bit. I feel that she had been tired in the evenings, and that doing this will help her not feel so tired and increase our quality time together.

I realize at the end of the day I get home my job is done for the day. Hers does not stop until after the kids go to bed, and I feel it's my responsibility to start helping her with that.

Also I am trying to get a day off next week so that we can spend am uninterrupted day together. I know this won't solve everything, but it's s start
 
#22 ·
The messes can be hard because our baby is always trying to help me. I think if we tidy for 15 minutes each night things would be ok. We also need to do more baby proofing. Also, our son needs 1:1 time too. We also have a lot to fix around the house.

However, I am not so worried about any of that; everyone has those types of things.

I think if we spent more time together doing fun things, our resentment would disappear.

I really do love you. I appreciate who you are. You have so many good qualities.

I don't think you have it any easier than me; you work so hard. Are you just unhappy?

I just want to push through and fix our problems. It's ok. We just need to put each other as a priority.

I'm sorry I broke my phone.
 
#23 ·
This is wistful_thinkings husband. I created a new account because I accidentally had my contact information displayed.

Thank You for writing that you wrote. It means allot to you that you appreciate how hard I work. I am not unhappy. I promise you that I am very happy to have you as a wife. I need you do a better job of showing you that. I love you more then anything.

I realize I haven't been the best husband in the world at times, and for that I am truly sorry. I lost sight of what is important. You and our children are important. The only way I would be unhappy is if I lost you.

I want nothing more then to push through this, and show you what you mean to me. Don't worry about your phone. It's just a phone. It can and already has been replaced. You and our children cannot be replaced. That is where I want to focus
 
#120 ·
This is wistful_thinkings husband. I created a new account because I accidentally had my contact information displayed.

Thank You for writing that you wrote. It means allot to you that you appreciate how hard I work. I am not unhappy. I promise you that I am very happy to have you as a wife. I need you do a better job of showing you that. I love you more then anything.

I realize I haven't been the best husband in the world at times, and for that I am truly sorry. I lost sight of what is important. You and our children are important. The only way I would be unhappy is if I lost you.

I want nothing more then to push through this, and show you what you mean to me. Don't worry about your phone. It's just a phone. It can and already has been replaced. You and our children cannot be replaced. That is where I want to focusI am the husband in this situation
This is very sweet but it doesn't really matter what you say, it matters what you do. Millions of people have had someone say 'i love you and i am going to change' but 3 days later they are back to their old habits. Love is a decision that you make everyday by your deeds and actions. It's not thinking, I changed the baby's diaper and did the dishes three days ago so now I"m good for a week. And I am not saying you are doing that, it's just an example. You have to find a way to connect with each other every day, even if it's just for a few minutes. You probably think that all the time you spend working is showing your love and devotion for the family, it's your contribution. And it is! But it's not enough to sustain the marriage, you still have to 'put time' in the relationship.

@Blondilocks. You asked me to get on and explain my actions. That is fair

I am a Senior Applications Developer for a respectable company.

For years my team has been understaffed. A few years ago we had 3 full time developers and 3 contractors to do all of our developing work, including myself. Now we have 1, and we have more work. I am all that is left frantically trying to do all the work that should be handled by at least 3 people.

I honestly want to eat lunch with my wife. It's just that something always seemed to come up, and make it so that I couldn't get away. I feel horrible that I had to turn her down do many times. I love my wife and kids more then anything, and I am ashamed with myself that I let things get to this point.

I should have just said from the beginning that I couldn't eat lunch with her instead of turning her down so many times. It was just that I wanted to eat lunch with her, and was trying to make an effort. I have taken about 10 lunch breaks in about 3 years other then that I stay at my desk trying to keep things afloat. I am not trying to make excuses here. Nothing excuses my actions. I just wanted to explain my actions and choices.

The next logical question is why do I stay and put up with all of this. Simply put it is the best way to keep our finances in order. We moved from Illinois almost five years ago, and until recently we had a mortgage from Illinois along with our current mortgage. I was waiting for the housing market to improve to sell the other house, and finally about six months ago decided it wasn't going to improve. I had to borrow 25K to finally sell it, which I am now trying to pay back. I also worked a second job until about a year ago just trying to keep the family clothed fed, and provided for.
Your wife says that your house is almost paid off and you have over 200k in retirement, you are what mid-30's? It does not sound like you are in a desperate financial position? Are there jobs that are comparable to what you are making now that would allow you more family time?

As far as slamming things around while my wife was trying to sleep that was an accident. My wife said she wanted to do something with the family after she got off work the next day, and if I was going to have the kids in the morning there would not be a chance to take a shower the next day. I was trying to quietly take a shower so that when she got done with work I would be ready to do what she wanted to do. Stealth I'd not one of my strong points and it backfired, that is muy fault
Were you really trying to be quiet or were you passively aggressively trying to show your anger because she was telling you what to do like you're a two year old? Be honest with yourself, if nothing else.

As far as answering questions with questions. This Is something I have always done, my parents biggest complaint growing up was that no one could get a straight answer out of me. I will be the first to admit I am a horrible listener. This has to change I know that
Communication is a huge deal in relationships, both of you need to be able to share your feelings with each other and not be badgered into explaining every minute detail. Are you actually not listening or do you feel hemmed in by questions and don't want to commit to anything that could be used against you later? I tune out all the time when people are talking and it's usually because it's something I've heard before, something I want to avoid discussing because it's just going to lead to more questions, something I'm not interested in, it could perhaps lead to an opportunity for someone to nag me about something or I'm just tired and don't want to talk about it, I just want to relax. Do any of these ring a bell with you? It's kind of a cop out to just say, I'm a bad listener, there is more to it than that and you need to know yourself and the reasons why you do it before you can fix it.



I am not trying to make excuses, I just want to explain myself. Things are finally starting to slow down at work, we are trying to hire more people, and that has started to free me up a bit. I want to make things right.
I had an interesting (or not) discussion one time about reasons are basically excuses. If you look them up in the Thesaurus, they can actually be used interchangeably.

My wife is one of the hardest workers I have ever met, and her complaints are valid. I feel that she needs more sleep, and more time to relax.

The only way I know to give her more sleep is for me to walk each morning to the park and ride each morning so that she can get more sleep, since I don't have a license do to medical issues this seems like the best option.
This also seems a little passive aggressive to me, the only way you can give her more sleep is to walk to the bus and because of your medical issues, which of course you can't do anything about, this is the only way? Why is this the only way? Why don't you put the kids to bed on your own sometimes so she can go to bed early? Why don't you get up with them on your own on Sundays and let her sleep in? Arrange to carpool with someone to the park and ride? There are a lot of options but sometimes we just don't see them.

I am trying to help more around the house with the cleaning, and the kids when I get home to take the pressures off her a bit. I feel that she had been tired in the evenings, and that doing this will help her not feel so tired and increase our quality time together.

I realize at the end of the day I get home my job is done for the day. Hers does not stop until after the kids go to bed, and I feel it's my responsibility to start helping her with that.
Totally true and commendable that you realize that. You are a team and sometimes an 'us against the kids' attitude can be fun, not that you are actually against the kids but who else can you laugh with and share details with about them that will understand? Your wife!

Also I am trying to get a day off next week so that we can spend am uninterrupted day together. I know this won't solve everything, but it's s start
It wont really solve anything, one day does not a marriage make, what about getting done at noon one day every two weeks, or a full planned day off once a month? How late do you get home on a normal day, with commute?

What are some of your issues with the marriage? What do you need that you aren't getting? Have you told your wife these things?

You should look up 'walkaway wife' as a way to possibly motivate you. Your wife is telling you right now that she loves you but she's not happy and she's about ready to quit trying, that is a very dangerous place to be in. You must make some drastic changes or else that ambivalence will turn into detachment then dislike. The fact that you've only posted once doesn't really speak well to your enduring commitment to change, either.

This is not all your fault, you just got busy with life and work. But now that you know the state of things, it can become your fault if you don't start working on it. Your wife shares the blame too, but if you aren't honest with her about things you need to that she's not doing then can't be her fault for failing to meet those.
 
#24 ·
Yes you are right I am fixated on money. I have just finished reading Bogle Heads. I know a lot about money. I know what a 401k, HSA, HELOC, HPI, IRA, Roth IRA, money market, portfolio, ect. without looking it up. I can tell you the max contribution you can make to your retirement accounts (just tell me your age and total compensation). I know what you can do to lower your tax burden, and which option is best for you. I helped my husband set everything up.

I know every cent that we have and owe. But I would still rather give up anything than lose my relationship with my husband. I don't know why I am like this. Maybe I was born this way? Maybe because of my parents?

I was raised in an impoverished area, in a very poor family 4 kids on 12k to 16k. I don't know why, but I saved all my money from the first time I was paid. I worked in the fields of my grandparents farm from when I was 3 or 4. I worked after school full-time before I was legal. In my defence, i can be generous. I guess I just want to be smart with money, which means educating myself, which I do think about it.

Is that a flaw? I don't really know.
 
#27 ·
I find it fascinating that you quote your financial position a lot, and your husband is stressed out keeping himself working at this level, and that you don't see the connection between the two.

I am not claiming you don't value a dollar, or are greedy.

I am suggesting that because it's very important to you, your husband has made it important to himself, as well. Perhaps because he feels like he must.
 
#28 ·
Marduk--

Thanks. That's a really good point. I never realized that.

He was always smart and driven, so it's not all my influence. He does seem to be unnecessary stressed, which I don't want to add to. I have told him he can do whatever he wants, but there is so much I want to spend money on (swimming lessons for our son, maintenence for our home, college fund, ect), so that's a mixed signal.
 
#29 ·
Are either of you familiar with David Ramsey's radio show or books?

May be time to downsize.

Mr. Wisteful - I have worked in IT for many years. Management will ALWAYS leave you understaffed. No one ever said on their death bed "I wish I would have worked MORE

Sometimes you have to be willing to walk away.

You may want to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The books principles work for employers in addition to personal relationships.

Do you know the order/rank of each others love languages?

Get a sitter, spend the day together talking, spend the night screwing each others brains out. Hold each others naked body and sleep together. Wake up and realize what a gift you are to each other, to be there to help each other thru life's journey.
 
#30 ·
I was him for a lot of years.

Why? Trying to make sure the family and for the most part my wife had long term financial security. It's what good husbands do.

What I learned is you MUST have a life along the way. The world won't end if you have lunch with your wife at least once a week. Take her out on a date once a week. Again, plan the time and do it. What is your marriage and family worth to you??? Is the job more important????

You can never get your time/life back once it's gone.

If you're smart you'll both set down and read His Needs, Her Needs together. Marriage, at least good ones take some work. It's a 50/50 split. Both of you own your end.

It's not that hard so make the time and adhere to it. Or be prepared for the consequences.
 
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