Should I leave? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 09-19-2011, 10:06 AM Thread Starter
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Should I leave? I really need help!

We have been married almost 2 years, after dating about 1 year. We are a blended family with 5 children. I have 3 from a previous, he has 1 from a previous, and we have a baby together. My husband is a kind man who loves me very much. However, we have many problems. First, he is jealous, tries to be controlling, but I won't let him. He does not want me to go back to work, even though I want to. We disagree on everything from politics to where we should live. These are things we discussed prior to moving in together and getting married, and we were on the same page on everything, or so I thought. Now he is changing all those things up. When I try to talk to him about it, he says he is just talking, and he doesn't mean the things he says.....he really does agree with me about everything.....which drives me insane.

Biggest problem for me is his son who lives with his mother. The SS mother will not talk to me nor wants to meet me. Even though I am the one caring for her son over the entire summer, holidays, and some weekends. When the husband drives to pick him up or is spending time over there for an event, which I am never invited to, he will not answer his phone, or he will step outside to call me, so that he doesn't speak to me while she is around. Now, I know there is nothing going on between them, because I hear their conversations, see her FB, and she lives with someone.

The son is 12 and ADHD, so not only is he extremely hyper, but he is completely disrespectful. He never listens to me about anything. My husband works many hours and travels frequently, so when the boy is over, I am taking care of all 5 children by myself. Everything is an argument with this kid, from taking a shower to going to bed. He doesn't just talk back to me.....he actually yells at me. He picks on my children who are younger than him constantly. It has come to a point, that me and my children suffer anxiety before this child comes over. The boy often tells me that in his house they all yell at each other all the time. His mother doesn't mind him talking to her like that, lets him stay up all night, and he and little brothers fight all the time. He says his mother never spends time with him, and doesn't get home until 9pm every night. No one is home to help with homework.

I have tried to talk to the husband about this, but it ends in an argument. I try to explain that if he had some sort of structure and guidance at home, then he wouldn't be this way. I have told him he needs to talk to her, and be tough. I do not blame him, I blame his mother. He blames his son, not his mother. These arguments usually end with him telling me that she is a wonderful mother, and there is nothing wrong with what she does. He tells me if I am going to talk to him to talk to him about important things. Nothing gets resolved and I'm still in the same situation. A few weeks ago he finally started to talk to her about these things, she shut him up right away, and he put his tail between his legs, and just left it as is. Meanwhile, I get yelled at for anything I bring up. So, now I'm thinking divorce is the only way. My problem then would be that I would be a single mom with 4 children and no job. What to do? Leave or stick it out?

Last edited by lostinhaze; 09-20-2011 at 12:09 PM.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 09-20-2011, 10:48 PM
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Re: Should I leave?

I would leave the SS out of it. I think that is a dead end struggle. Pursing it will only add to your stress since you will alienate your H, too. Try to accept that pursuing that path is not working, and throw out the assumption that it 'should' work, or it would work if xyz. It's not working. Accept it.

Since the kid is with SS for 9 months out of the year I dont see any way to improve things, though. And as he gets older it's only going to get worse.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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