I don't know - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

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post #46 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 08:37 AM
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Re: I don't know

Hi Mjgh, how old was your son when your husband took/hid/threw away his coat? What type of language did he or does he use when dealing with your son? (I missed the coat incident when reading your posts. ConanHub maked a good point about hiding a fiat in the winter.)

How does his treatment of your son track with his experience growing up?

Finally early on you mentioned looking fir apartment, but you just said you own the house. Don't leave !

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post #47 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 08:41 AM
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Re: I don't know

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Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Hi Mjgh, how old was your son when your husband took/hid/threw away his coat? What type of language did he or does he use when dealing with your son? (I missed the coat incident when reading your posts. ConanHub maked a good point about hiding a fiat in the winter.)

How does his treatment of your son track with his experience growing up?

Finally early on you mentioned looking fir apartment, but you just said you own the house. Don't leave !
The boy was 10 if I recall correctly.
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post #48 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 08:50 AM
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Re: I don't know

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But he is the only one that can change it. He damaged that relationship years ago when we first got together. He jumped in the home and thought he was going to rule the roost. He would be childish and spiteful just as he did with the teapot and hide my son's xbox, clothes, school books, etc whenever he was mad. He even hid my son's coat in winter once and I had to go buy a new one.
.
Her son left when he was 15 and I don't blame him. Who was protecting him from this ******* that thought it was funny to take his clothes, schoolbooks, etc...

He may have been older than 10 with the coat incident but it doesn't change my view of him.

Pretty extensive history of abusing her son.

Yeah OP, you should have damn well left this piece of shyt for his abusive behavior towards your son.
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post #49 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 09:07 AM
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Re: I don't know

I'm sure there are children of divorce who don't trust. But there are children whose parents stay in unhappy marriages that don't trust either. Those children see far more than their parents think. They know something isn't right even if they don't know what that is. And they tend to blame themselves because that's what children do.

My ex-husband fought divorce for decades (he was a cheater) and I didn't push it because I didn't want my son to grow up in a divorced home (the same excuse my mother had used when I was young and my father cheated). She remained in an unhappy marriage of 45 years until her death. I ended a marriage of 45 years and am now happy.

I wanted her to get out (and my son wanted me to get out long before I did) but we both stayed because we put our child first. It didn't work the way either of us thought. I feel she made a mistake in staying for me and my son feels I made a mistake in staying for him. I repeated her pattern but he didn't repeat mine and his children are happy and have adjusted well to his divorce. It can be done.

In a perfect world, your husband would wake up and work hard on his marriage. But it doesn't appear he wants to and obviously you can't change the dynamic of your marriage on your own. Change is very difficult and few manage it successfully long term. Some do wake up -- and do the necessary work -- when the threat of divorce becomes real and not just words. That may be the only way you see if he wants more than a roommate situation.
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post #50 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know

Wow a lot of posts since last night. If I miss responding to any, please tell me.

@JohnA
I know my family past/marriage has made a huge impact on me. After the divorce my mom chose me to confide in about things a parent should never say to a young child. I was 12 when my mom started telling me how men are evil and they would hurt you and do things to you. She would tell me to protect myself as she pointed down because men will do things there that will scar you and hurt you. By 15, I turned from the shy innocent girl to a promiscuous bitcx. I played mind games, used people and threw them away as recycables. I had no friends, I had people who thought they were my friends but I was using them as a means to an end nothing more. I drank all the time. I remember I always had a large bottle or two of vodka in my school locker. I hurt a lot of people because I didn't trust anyone or want anyone close enough to me that could hurt me emotionally. After three years of this lifestyle, I just wanted everything to end and contemplated suicide. Instead I chose to go to a therapist. I learned how to cope and deal with my issues, but having a daughter changed that again for me. My protectiveness is full force with her. No I would never tell her those stories and I am not to an extreme overprotective. I do limit her time with my mom though and have already had to counteract some crap she has tried to feed her. I want my daughter to grow up without all that bs on her so she can have healthy, normal relationships.

As for my husband's history: My husband didn't come from an abusive home, but a drug home. I remember hi telling me his dad and uncles were big pot dealers in the 70's not now and he would help them fill those huge peanut bags full. His parents divorced when he was in his tweens because his dad found someone new and it split the family up. His brother and sister lived with his dad and stepmom, he lived with his mom. He was happy in his first marriage with two children and fought the divorce even though she had cheated on him several times and had a baby from another man while they were married. He lived with his mom after his divorce and watched her as she progressed through cancer and then died.

I met him through his sister. Funny thing was me and his sister lived across from each other and I knew her, his brother, and his mom, but had not met him. I had even asked his brother out once because he had a daughter near my son's age and was divorced, but we never went out. I finally met my husband one day when he was installing carpet at his sister's.

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I suspect part of his problem is fear of failing in the marriage, so he fights to the death to win the arguement thinking that if he wins you stay. Works in war, business, bar talk, but not marriage.
I think you hit the nail here.

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But after your review of your husbands history try writing it as if he was writing it about you.
I think my husband would say 'She came from a very abusive home and after her parents divorced, her mom filled her head with some crazy ****. I wouldn't ever do that crap to her and her mom better not try to put that in our daughter's head.

Last edited by mjgh06; 02-28-2016 at 11:29 AM.
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post #51 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 11:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know

@Vinnydee
Thank you so much for your post.
I don't think my husband has a porn issue, but I know he has some issue. He is old-fashioned as they say and would not be into trying anything different. I think you are right that we both are just living as roommates and he seems fine with that.

I am so happy that you and your spouse have stayed together this long and together you have been willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I guess my 'ideas' about men always keep me wondering what the hell is wrong with me when my husband a man is so close-minded and non-affectionate. Men should want it and if they had a wife saying hey if you just held my hand or let me sit next to you, we would be making boom chicka bang bang in every way. Why would he not want that? It must be me.
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post #52 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know

@JohnA
@ConanHub

I have talked with my son about what I am debating now trying to get his input as to how D affected him versus staying unhappy married. He says he suffered a lot at first when his dad and I divorced, but he got over it. He was 9 when we divorced. I asked him would he rather have had us stay together with me unhappy. He said he never knew it was that way. In his eyes we were a happy family and that is why it hurt him when we divorced and moved out. Back then he said yes he would have wanted us to stay together. Now it's okay.

Yes, I agree when this all started with the issues my husband had with my son I should not have stayed. My reasons then were similar now - I don't want to have failed twice. I want a long standing marriage. The common denominator here is me. So maybe I am the cause and just can't have a normal, good relationship. Maybe that is what I am not willing to face.

Reading back through some of my posts, I sound like a sex-crazed maniac... I am not. I don't want anyone to think this is all about the sex because it isn't. I need affection from the man I love to feel like I am wanted and loved. Passionate sex after to me is an added benefit. None of which I am getting so you can say I am starved for affection which may give a false impression.

Last edited by mjgh06; 02-28-2016 at 11:37 AM.
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post #53 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 11:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know

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He may have been older than 10 with the coat incident but it doesn't change my view of him.Posted via Mobile Device
My husband would adamantly deny any of this happened, and somehow turn it on you as your memory is messed up and you did something wrong. Even if you saw him do it, he can somehow make you believe you didn't see what you saw. So I agree that is emotional abuse and he is an expert at it. That is how I stayed through. I always had doubts that maybe he didn't do it. Years now have passed and I can see the patterns and know better.
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post #54 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 11:50 AM
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Re: I don't know

Hi, I am sorry, but I worded my request poorly for what I wanted you to try to do. So, let me try again. First carefully review your husband's history from how it effected him emotionally and how that shaped his current behavior. I see two things that jump out at me. First the split family and second his first wife's adultery.

I know that it seems strange I am focusing in on him like I am. The thing is right now only one person is aware (or willing to admit) there is a problem in your marriage. So many posters here are blindsided by their spouses behavior when in hindsight you just want you say duhhhn. One of you needs to see both sides of the coin and attempt to fix it or just divorce. Please see this link for adultety can effect a person and see what applies to your husband. What's the WORST thing about infidelity? I recall my mother saying that their are times in a marriage one spouse needs to step up and carry the other. She was referring to the situation you are in right now.

Bye the way how old was your son when the coat incident occurred ?

Finally to be clear: nether marriage or civilization are sucide pacts. It is one thing to toil to achieve either, it is another to lose yourself.

Last edited by JohnA; 02-28-2016 at 12:02 PM.
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post #55 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 11:59 AM
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Re: I don't know

Just thought of a good example of how the past effects the present. Their is a poster orange_something on this board. She to came from a highly abusive home. Her father was a drunk. He drink, come home beat his wife then beat the kids. She has a major problem with her husbands drinking especially at his family events. He can't understand why she triggers and wants a divorce. It seems clear to me why this is a problem for her and he should get a clue.

I know she has posted a lot of follow ups and separated but I stop following her story. But, I see the problem with him is hen refuses to see her reality and SOMETIMES in a marriage on an issue like this you modify your behavior.

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post #56 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 12:08 PM
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Re: I don't know

Guess I am on a bit of a roll. One more point about your heavier weight. Does he find it attractive or does it make him feel more secure you will not cheat on him (ie the less attractive you are sexually to men the better)
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post #57 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 02:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know

@JohnA

I looked over the linked post. I know my husband was devastated by his adulterous 1st wife. My biggest fault is that I emotionally detach very easily and listen from outside the box. I don't accept that the past controls us. It doesn't. I've been through a lot more crap than most and dealt with it. Yes, as a teen I was screwed up. But I grew up and know people control their own actions and they have no power over making others happy or not. We each choose every day how we feel or deal with our lives. My ex cheated and at no time did I believe it was my fault or made me less than who I was. He chose that path and I never looked back.

I guess I am too self-confident at times, have lack of compassion and am a very logical type person. I can sympathize but I am going to say it blunt, straight to the point. Not like my ramblings here. I type a lot more than I speak. I am not the typical women who talks and only wants someone to listen. I always had more guy friends - honestly all guy friends because I relate better with them. Talk, find a solution. No drama. I say what I got to say and move on.

I wish I could have him read and be a part of this post. But I know his response would be first - Let's divorce and then it would turn into him saying how I always find fault with him, and then saying yes he is to blame and he will do better, how he changed a lot already and so on and so forth. Then he will get angry again because I most times just remain calm and listen and it starts over with let's divorce. This would continue until I finally just am exhausted from going nowhere and tell him okay its me I am sorry just stay. We never get past this ever. Nothing is ever resolved. I just want him to hear what my issues are and offer a solution, not go on a tangent about how horrible a person he is and why am I even with him. Yes, he probably does this because of his past. Which usually pisses me off because then I see him as weak and like I said I have no compassion. I want to scream stop being a whiner and just man up and get over it already. I'm not attacking you, I am trying to deal with the problem.

If this scenario wasn't me, I would be telling the op to separate and start there.

As for the weight, I think he just likes big women. Oh, and my son was 12 when the coat happened.
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post #58 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: I don't know

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Any Star Trek fans?... "I'm giving it all she's got"
And how many times did the ship blow up? What letter are they up to? Each time the ship blew up it was like a divorce, or a new marriage, depending on your point of view.

The ship still blew up several times, despite "I'm giving it all she's got". And despite the old ship blowing up, they were very happy to get the new ship.
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post #59 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't know

Your mother sounds pretty smart John.

I have never given my husband any reason to feel I would step out on him. I think we are both secure in the fact that we are both faithful and would be faithful.

His issues with insecurities even if I wanted to help I couldn't. That is something only the person can deal with on their own or through counseling - which he refuses to go to. You can only carry a person so far, before they have to do the work on themselves for themselves.
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post #60 of 83 (permalink) Old 02-28-2016, 03:08 PM
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Re: I don't know

Hi, the past is our future, unless we change it. You are, he is not.

Why did he stay with his mother and not go with his father like his brother and sister did. Again I am asking because he is not here and you have both a high degree of seif-awareness and ability to share it.

I really think a structured separation is the way to go. Did you read @DayOne's threads?
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