Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Considering Divorce or Separation » Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

Considering Divorce or Separation If you're considering divorce or separation, this is the place to talk.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-22-2011, 01:17 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 521
Default Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

I am planning to consult with a lawyer who is my sister's neighbor. With things tight financially, I've had to wait a little while. Anyways, I can tell my kids are being effected by my wife's seperation and abandonment. When she video chats with them now, they talk for a minute or two and then want to play outside or play games. I worry how they're gonna feel when I tell them mommy and daddy are seperating for good. Since I'm the one who is going to file, they may see me as the bad guy. They don't know the truth about why she left or anything regarding the affair. They are 5 & 10 years old, so I think they may be too young to understand. If anyone has advice or know of good books, websites I am all ears.
On a side note, when we chatted last night I was able to hear beeps coming from my wife's email indicating she was receivng chat messages from someone else. I didn't say anything because I didn't want her to think I cared. But watching her talk to me and the kids while her eye would glance away and she would casually in a very sneaky kind of way type back to the other person triggered the past when the affair happened. I felt angry, but since I didn't ask, I may never know if it's just a friend or something more than that. And I know I shouldn't feel this way if I want to divorce her. I really shouldn't be pissed about it? Or is that ok?
Houstondad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-22-2011, 02:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Intermountain West
Posts: 936
Default Re: Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Houstondad View Post
I am planning to consult with a lawyer who is my sister's neighbor. With things tight financially, I've had to wait a little while. Anyways, I can tell my kids are being effected by my wife's separation and abandonment. When she video chats with them now, they talk for a minute or two and then want to play outside or play games. I worry how they're gonna feel when I tell them mommy and daddy are separating for good. Since I'm the one who is going to file, they may see me as the bad guy. They don't know the truth about why she left or anything regarding the affair. They are 5 & 10 years old, so I think they may be too young to understand. If anyone has advice or know of good books, websites I am all ears.
On a side note, when we chatted last night I was able to hear beeps coming from my wife's email indicating she was receiving chat messages from someone else. I didn't say anything because I didn't want her to think I cared. But watching her talk to me and the kids while her eye would glance away and she would casually in a very sneaky kind of way type back to the other person triggered the past when the affair happened. I felt angry, but since I didn't ask, I may never know if it's just a friend or something more than that. And I know I shouldn't feel this way if I want to divorce her. I really shouldn't be pissed about it? Or is that ok?
HD: Of course it is normal to feel that way - even if you want to divorce her. You can't shut if off immediately and will take time, akin to grieving the the loss (death) of a loved one.

The kids will rebound, and may actually do so when someone simply explains that things couldn't go on with mom and dad anymore and she did in fact leave (they'll figure out that its called abandonment when they are older and understand it).

They need a safe and loving environment at home and carefully controlled interaction with their egg-donor of the female persuasion (shes NOT a mother - MOTHERS don't abandon their kids. She doesn't deserve the privilege!!!)

She walked out on ALL of u. I honestly don't understand why you have bent over backward for her to make nice with the kids and you.

Whether she is still cheating with the last guy, or someone new - find a way to make the divorce happen quick! and find someone who can help you explain this to the kids in a context appropriate for their age.

They already know who the "good guy" is - no one needs to explain that - its the parent that has stuck with them no matter what.

So sad for you and your family.

Good luck!

For those readers who also follow some of my comments on Sham's Divorce thread: THIS, in my opinion is a perfect candidate for the GO DARK as a BLACK HOLE move.

She should get ZILCH interaction with the hubby and kids! Anyone agree?

Last edited by Dadof3; 09-22-2011 at 02:11 PM. Reason: More to say
Dadof3 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-22-2011, 03:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
HurtinginTN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 1,170
Default Re: Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

In my signature is a link to a post by Pit of My Stomach about a book. I have a copy and it has helped with the kids. There are different chapters for different age ranges. I highly recommend it.

It is good that you are giving your children access to their mother. Try not to say anything bad about her in their presence. I have trouble with that one, still. But the kids basically realize they are part you and part her and internalize anything bad about either one of you.

We separated first and after about a month or so of that, I told my kids we were getting a divorce. They were like, "OK. We see you more now with the separation than we did before anyway." They did have some questions, but we went through all of them. I still think it would be ideal for a family to stay together. However, there are cases where that is just not possible, including mine.
HurtinginTN is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-22-2011, 05:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Elliott's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 63
Default Re: Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

When I was 12 years old (my sister was 10) my parents Divorced. The root reason was because of money. My mom took my sister and I and left New York and headed for Atlanta.

For the first three years of the divorce, my sister and I (especially my sister since she's the daddy's girl, and my dad sent us copies of the paper to show that it was our mother that filled. So my sister gave our mom extra "hell" because of her actions), tried to bring our parents back together. Of course, our efforts were pointless.

We went through a depression, our grades suffered, my sister got into some fights and I started shutting my mother out.

Fast forward 16 years after the divorce,my sister and I "got over it". But because of our parents divorce, my sister is afraid to 'let a man "run" her life". Because of the divorce, I take my lazy wife's crap and affair because I didn't want to put my two young girls through what I went through.

So use my example to make up your mind.

Divorce made my sister and I grow up really fast. But it also gave us lasting "mental" damage. I know what it's like to be a "statistic, I grew up in a single parent home". But at the same time, I'm now married with two girls and I know first hand what divorce can do to a child. so that means, no matter what crap my wife throws my way,...I'm forcing myself to take it because of my girls. Even if that means being miserable for the rest of my life.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Both my parents ended up with multiple disastrous relationships after their divorce. Each relationship being worse than the previous. Which made my dad say one time "Damn, I thought your mom was bad, but she's nowhere near these stupid-self centered-Gold diggin'-female dogs out in the world now a days".
Elliott is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-27-2011, 07:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 521
Default Re: Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

Grrrr! I just need to vent for a sec.
She's been chatting with the kids for a month now and I keep my chats with her brief and I always end our chats. Today she PISSED me off though. Said I haven't been available enough on my computer in the evening so she can chat with the kids. She even said she wondered if this was my way of getting back at her. Truth is, the kids and I are leading busy lives and it's hard to always be available at a specific time. It's easy for my wife. No job. No nothing.But I responded in a positive manner and said we would try to do a better job and if I'm not on my computer when she wants to chat that she can CALL us on our PHONE. Amazing concept, huh? She responds back later saying she would like to chat twice a week with the kids. I replied just two times a week with the kids? She felt that was a good start and I felt she was implying the kids and I are incapable of chatting with her more than twice a week. She says she misses the kids and loves them. She also said she has nothing at all on her social calendar. Sounds like she's lonely? Anyways, it's moments like this that confirms that letting go is the right thing.
Houstondad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-24-2011, 05:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 29
Default Re: Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

Most, in my experience, don’t think much about the children at all. They focus on what they want and feel, and rationalize how that will be best for their children. Kids suffer when moms and dads split up. Children have the strong belief that there is only one right family relationship, and that is Mom and Dad being together.
Shane Jimison is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-24-2011, 09:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Shooboomafoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In Texas
Posts: 1,179
Default Re: Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

HoustonDad, the ex (whom I am still living with, and hopefully no further than 2 weeks now) made plans this weekend on Saturday to go out to Kemah. She specifically said it was with a girlfriend of hers to check out the boardwalk halloween b.s. going on.
She packed a backpack full of clothes intent on staying the night, because "all the events were at night".
I had a nice weekend with my daughter in the meantime. While the ex went and lived her b.s. fantasy out with another man. Its part of the "excitement" that attempting to keep this all a secret brings her fantasy. Thats the thrill of it for cheating, lying hobags.
Your kids are going to be fine, and I cant quite imagine a good mom being "just fine" seeing her kids thru skype video chat, and that being sufficient for her. so shes obviously out in cuckoo land.

Letting go is the right thing. Rest assured shes got plenty planned, in her little secret fantasy land. The thing is with my ex, is that nothing is as secret as she thinks. As soon as I am out of there, the secret no longer matters, and that fantasy will soon be a reality mired in a disaster of two people who are faced with their own reality. That reality being, that they both are cheaters that had to do "that" to get what they think they wanted.
It was hilarious watching my ex try to sneak her bottle of alcoholic whipped cream back into her cabinet, after unpacking when she got home.
It is just ridiculous. And you are being handed the bricks with which to build that wall between you and her. Let it be built.
Be the best dad you can be, enjoy your time with the kids, make them your priority, and I will tell you what, when the dust settles in your ex-wife's life, and she has that OMG moment, theres nothing thats going to drag her azz out of the darkness of the well she will feel shes flung herself, other than lots of therapy and medication.
Meanwhile, you will have established a sound, loving home and relationship with your kids.
My daugher (9) asked me Sunday if I was depressed. I said, nope! I am a little sad about what happened to our family, but I am okay".
She said she wants me to hurry up and meet a lady who has kids her age,, so she will have someone to play with...
__________________
His delay, is not a denial.
Shooboomafoo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-03-2011, 11:22 AM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 521
Default Re: Will divorce hurt my kids and was my wife chatting with an OM?

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement Shooboomafoo. I've been doing the 180, documenting and spending as much time with my kids and biding my time until the 6 months of her leaving gives me the huge upper hand in court (just in case she decides to make it difficult). I know she is still communicating with the OM still, and is on a singles meet up website. Last night she chatted with the kids and then asked to chat with me. She asked if I also feel that the marriage is basically over because I no longer talk to her. I almost screamed. Seriously? Is this her excuse that the marriage is over? Because we don't have long distance chats? She still doesn't know that I know what she is doing. I bit my lip and just said , yes I feel it's in our best interests as well as the kids that we end this state of limbo and move forward. I told her she knew I was not going to have a long-distance "relationship" with her while she lived far away. She said she would like to have joint custody with the kids. Not sure how that works out when she is living in another state. She asked if I wanted to go to the counselor while she comes down for a few days to visit the kids next week while she gets some medical work done. I said I didn't think going to the counselor was necessary. What's the f'n' point? I told her we will need to sit down to hash out what we want this to look like (post-divorce). I am about to call my lawyer today to tell him this and that we may not be able to wait till December to file.
Houstondad is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to divorce wife with young kids in the house? Another Planet Considering Divorce or Separation 7 10-01-2012 02:27 PM
Wife Chatting More and More with Single Guys on Facebook. Baffled01 Coping with Infidelity 51 04-11-2012 10:43 AM
I want out, but I don't want to hurt her or the kids dabo1983 Considering Divorce or Separation 8 07-26-2011 03:02 PM
Wife texting, chatting with an old boyfriend Wantingsomehelp112 Coping with Infidelity 3 11-08-2010 03:59 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:55 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.