Hi, I am posting here just to see if I am over reacting to my wife's suggestions that we engage in an open relationship. Btw a few years ago I found her having a facebook affair and planning to meet a guy for sex. We worked through that and all appeared to be fine. So 4 years on, when everything is calm and fine she blurts out that she isn't opposed to an open relationship. I was surprised. Now for me this is a big deal. I fought once for my marriage, left my pride aside and put the kids first. But now this? She says after seeing my reaction that while isn't opposed to an open relationship she would never act on this or hurt me. I am against this 100% and this is deal breaker for me. After fighting for my marriage, I now find myself contemplating divorce. I simple don't want the drama of a open relationship and have no fight left. She said she was just being honest and I have nothing to worry about. But I feel like she is planning something or has designs on someone else. She also got drunk recently and said that having sex behind someone's back is not cheating if it is meaningless. I put this down to drink talk and she said she talks crap when drunk afterwards. She doesn't get drunk often. Once at year at most. So am I over reacting? I don't want to be married to someone who wants an open relationship. I fought already for my marriage and played my part in keeping the family together. We are just back from a holiday of a lifetime. It was great and she said it was her best holiday ever. So what is going on?? Am I paranoid because of her past??? Or am I correct??
Assuming she hasn't cheated on you yet (at a minimum she had plans on based on the fact you caught her with the FB drama), the fact that she would even hint at an open marriage is not only inconsiderate, but seems like she is trying to set the table for something else...
I think my big problem, I could not be with someone who did not share the same values as me, especially on some big topics such as sex and marriage. Her ideas of open marriages and cheating seems to go against what you believe in, and that could be dangerous.
This is totally spitballing but 95% of proposed open relationships occur after period of monogamy because that partner already has someone, or has designs on someone in particular. Since this wouldn't be her first affair I would consider that this is a red flag that you need to act on rather decisively.
"I am not for an open relationship, I never will be and any sort of infidelity - emotional or physical - are unconditionally deal-breakers for me. Given that I've still not fully regained my trust from your last affair I'm just letting you know that I would be more comfortable if I could take a look at your phone to see for myself."
You will not even have to look at her phone, her face will tell you everything that you need to know.
Hmmm. I am against divorce, but there is only so much I can put up with. She is very smart and has learned from the past that Internet activity can get you caught. So I checked her cell phone and found nothing suspicious. Of course she just has to delete recent activity and incoming or out going call history. She definitely would have the know how to do these basic things. Red flags maybe, but why would she bother tell she isn't opposed to an open relationship? She says she is anti divorce and loves me. That she would only ever engage in an open relationship with my consent and was been honest. But your right, it is suspicious.
Take a recent cell phone bill and reconcile it with what is on her phone. If anything doesn't match up then that means she is deleting things, which at that point you would Dr Fone recover deleted texts.
Also on her phone there are also ways to carry on an affair without it showing up on a phone bill. It's not just communcations apps like WhatsApp, Kik, Instagran, Twitter DMs, Facebook, Snapchat, etc but apps that have the ability to chat but that's not theit core feature. Stuff like Trivia Crack, Clash of Clans, etc. Hell I even know of a cheater wife whose affair partner setup a private Minecraft server so that they could communicate. Her husband never even had a red flag even kind of raised, he just saw his wife playing stupid Minecraft.
She's probably cheating rusty, but the only way to know is to do some digging. The easiest and fastest method is to check the phone records from the phone company. You can see who she's been calling on paper.
What was her response to you telling her you're not okay with that?
What did you say to her about the cheating comment?
She's been cheating on you for some time, probably with a bunch of different guys.
That would be my assumption from that point forward. Shut your mouth, open your eyes, dig in deep into email, Facebook, phone, anything you can get your hands on.
Next time she's on a Girls Night Out, swing by where she says she is without having her realize that you've done that.
You need to go into detective mode. This is a ****ty place to be but before you can see what's going on you need to zip your mouth shut. Do not bring the topic up etc or she'll go into hiding mode. There is a good chance she already has someone in mind. Find out who it is.
Do you have access to her phone and all electronics? Given her past history I would hope those boundaries would be well established since she was cheating previously.
Snoop and get intel, but you obviously know this is a huge problem simply based on values. Once a woman mentioned the desire to have an open relationship I'm not sure I'd ever recover from that either.
Given her past cheating, my advice to you is file for the divorce and end the agony of being with someone who is not trustworthy. So many fish in the sea.
Hi, I am posting here just to see if I am over reacting to my wife's suggestions that we engage in an open relationship. Btw a few years ago I found her having a facebook affair and planning to meet a guy for sex. We worked through that and all appeared to be fine. So 4 years on, when everything is calm and fine she blurts out that she isn't opposed to an open relationship. I was surprised. Now for me this is a big deal. I fought once for my marriage, left my pride aside and put the kids first. But now this? She says after seeing my reaction that while isn't opposed to an open relationship she would never act on this or hurt me. I am against this 100% and this is deal breaker for me. After fighting for my marriage, I now find myself contemplating divorce. I simple don't want the drama of a open relationship and have no fight left. She said she was just being honest and I have nothing to worry about. But I feel like she is planning something or has designs on someone else. She also got drunk recently and said that having sex behind someone's back is not cheating if it is meaningless. I put this down to drink talk and she said she talks crap when drunk afterwards. She doesn't get drunk often. Once at year at most. So am I over reacting? I don't want to be married to someone who wants an open relationship. I fought already for my marriage and played my part in keeping the family together. We are just back from a holiday of a lifetime. It was great and she said it was her best holiday ever. So what is going on?? Am I paranoid because of her past??? Or am I correct??
that's a new one on me. so if i steal something, don't get caught and consider it meaningless, then it's not stealing. right?
btw i realize she was drunk and we all say stupid stuff when we're drunk; but the stupid stuff we say is usually what we actually think without any inhibitions or filters.
You don't need to go hunting for evidence. She's cheated on you.
Even if she hasn't, you have lost her. She wants to do her thing, and since she is incapable of understanding how destructive such behavior is, and the price one pays for it, she is becoming less and less inhibited.
It's basically just a matter of time before she leaves you.
just be vigilant.
you said yourself in your original post that you know when people talk about open marriage that they have someone in mind already, which usually means an EA is already in progress.
just watch out.
Tell her you will not be in an open marriage and if that is what she wants then you will be divorcing her. Meanwhile keep checking her phone and computer.
Just spoke with the wife. Told her if she wants an open relationship I will divorce. She says she is telling the truth. That it was a suggestion only. One she has not acted on or will not. She says she understand my concern but thought we were getting on so well that any topic could be discussed. She doesn't appear to be lying. Last time I could spot the lies in her voice and body language. Maybe she has learned to lie. I am confused.
"Wife, I'm concerned based on all the pain I've had to go through before to stay married to you that either I'm just not enough for you, or you're just not monogamous. I think we need to call a spade a spade and walk away from each other -- that way you can have sex with as many other people as you want, and I can find a woman for whom I'm enough."
And then shut your mouth and start the separation process. If she wants to try to convince you otherwise, she can, and you can listen if you want...
But I'm guessing she isn't going to try very hard.
Just like I'm guessing you already know she never actually stopped screwing around on you, or at least stopped wanting to.
A little more contemplation, and I've got more questions... How many kids? How old are they?
Who did you tell about your W's previous affair?
Have you told anyone about these current issues?
Your wife has told you what she wants. She has also told you that she doesn't view sleeping with other men as cheating, so long as she doesn't get caught and "it's just sex". My gut instinct here is that you should do the following:
1. Get Divorce papers.
2. Sit W down and say: Wife, when I got married I had no intention of sharing my W with someone else. I still have no intention of sharing my wife with someone else. Your previous infidelity, coupled with these comments has really driven home for me that you have no intention of being faithful, and that there is no way for me to trust you to be such. I'm going to release you, so you can go find these other men you want to be with.
3. Hand her the D papers and tell her that it would be best that she move out as soon as possible because you don't want your kids around that kind of behavior.
4. Call her parents and explain the situation. Tell them you'll make sure they still have contact with their grand-kids and that you love them very much, but that you just won't share your W with other men, and that's what she wants to be happy.
5. Call her siblings and tell them the same.
6. Call your parents and siblings and tell them.
7. If your kids are old enough, sit them down and explain exactly what is going on, that their dad won't tolerate that because he has self-respect, and that you love them and everything will work out.
1. Get Divorce papers.
2. Sit W down and say: Wife, when I got married I had no intention of sharing my W with someone else. I still have no intention of sharing my wife with someone else. Your previous infidelity, coupled with these comments has really driven home for me that you have no intention of being faithful, and that there is no way for me to trust you to be such. I'm going to release you, so you can go find these other men you want to be with.
3. Hand her the D papers and tell her that it would be best that she move out as soon as possible because you don't want your kids around that kind of behavior.
4. Call her parents and explain the situation. Tell them you'll make sure they still have contact with their grand-kids and that you love them very much, but that you just won't share your W with other men, and that's what she wants to be happy.
5. Call her siblings and tell them the same.
6. Call your parents and siblings and tell them.
7. If your kids are old enough, sit them down and explain exactly what is going on, that their dad won't tolerate that because he has self-respect, and that you love them and everything will work out.
kids are 10 and 6. She is adamant she isn't cheating and will not. She says she happy and our situation fine. Says that her previous behaviour is polarising her words in relation to open relationship.
if someone says to you that they is fine and happy with the relationship then why bring up an open relationship, that only happens if that someone is looking to get something that aren't getting today....she is not happy with the relationship
Take their advice with a grain of salt. It's ALWAYS "SHE'S CHEATING! VARS, KEYLOGGERS, PI'S!!!" Read some threads. You'll see what I mean.
Consider the alternative that she has not cheated on you yet (with this NEW itch of hers). Is it a problem? Yes. Does she really want to get some strange? Yes. Is that a divorceable offense? Without a doubt. Does she already have someone in mind? Maybe.
But what if it is purely fantasy at this point? You go all James bond for 6 months before you find nothing and realize it was all just fantasy 6 months ago. When you could have done something about it. But NOW you're seeing the evidence. Why? Because you ignored the problem. Whatever it is that is pushing her to others. Whatever it was got even worse as you pulled away further, just so you could "catch" her.
Yes, you have a problem. But don't think it's not there just because you finally give her security clearance after 6 months of spying. By the time you're done with that process, she's even further away.
If she still struggles with staying out of other men's beds after being caught cheating... Time for a different wife.
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This is concise, nay tis Poyg-Nant!
Sorry, the fantasies that are Yesterdays Realities scratch and bleed when they pass out of my colon and see the light of day....God, I am a Poet.....nah, Pudz....................... [Google pudz]!
What did she do to compensate you when she had her last affair. Did she?
Reveal the name of the other person
Take a polygraph, typically alot less than actually happened is admitted to
Expose the OM to his W
Give you a time line of the last affair
Allow you to see the communications with the other person
Sadly my reading here is that while you are the father of her children, a provider, someone she can rely upon, she wants someone else in the role of lover.
Hi, I am posting here just to see if I am over reacting to my wife's suggestions that we engage in an open relationship. Btw a few years ago I found her having a facebook affair and planning to meet a guy for sex.
Guaranteed she has already had sex with someone else. GUARANTEED.
Kick her a$$ to the curb.
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