Before reading this, keep in mind I want advice, not a lecture of how bad I am. I understand the magnatude of what happened.
My wife and I have been married 8 years. We have a beautiful baby daughter. People think we are the best couple and family. But our marriage is broken and one sided as far as I can tell. It's marred in her nasty mood swings which I can't handle anymore nor would she admit until just this week. It's all me doing everything she doesn't like to do and avoiding her so I don't feel bad about myself. I do all the cooking, all the clean up, changing and feeding the baby. Everything. I get up, get the baby ready for the day, feed her, go to work, come home, clean up the house, cook, clean up, put the baby to bed then I can relax at about 8:30 pm all while dancing around passive aggressive attitude to make me feel bad about myself, immasculate me and wear me down. I've had no desire to make love to my wife for the past 2 years. My family (eg mother and father) are practically barred from coming to the house. They get their token visits twice a year. I hate every aspect of it. This is my life.
I've tried to speak to her about all of this many many many times and get nothing but attitude and grief for suggesting there is a problem. In fact she accuses me of doing what she does, which is a blantant lie. This has been going on for 4 or 5 years minus the baby part. Usually these conversations end in accusing me of being a nasty body part to which I won't mention.
Recently I fell deeply in love with a woman whom I've worked with and know very well. I was clueless and never saw it coming. One day, I noticed her very differently. That was the end of me. This woman is the most beautiful woman in the world in every way, and I'm not exagerating. A beautiful soul. We've been having an awesome relationship/affair ever since. And it's based on a friendship from the beginning. I can't stop thinking about her. We love each other like crazy people and it makes me very sad we can't be together. We were made for each other.
My wife found clear evidence we were communicating outside work early in the affair, and it wasn't flattering. I thought she was going to call it quits right there, but didn't. She was livid, felt cheated and is suspicious but doesn't totally think this person would be with me. I told it was over. It wasn't and she found more evidence. It hasn't been pretty since.
After the first time she caught us, perfect, I thought, "this is a great intervention, we could go to couples counciling, I'll admit it, I'll call the affair off, we'll sort out the original marrital issues and just maybe we can move forward." No dice. She refused councilling to the most significant crack in our marriage - me involved with another woman. We discussed it many times and the writing was on the wall: "NO." After the second time she caught me, we agreed to go to counselling. We've even had our first session.
Since this, she has made one concession after some long teary conversations. She isn't as nasty as she used to be. I'm not convinced this will last. I have also drawn a boundary - I will not go back to the miserable life I've lived for the past 4 years. And I mean it too, it's not negotiable.
Before my daughter was born, I had seriously considered leaving my wife. She got pregnant. I thought I could last until my daughter finished high school, then leave. Now, I feel like it's too little too late on my wife's behalf, it took another woman to get her attention and believe how terrible my life was - this makes me angry as I never would have gone down that road in the first place had my life been remotely fulfilling, not filled with nastiness but normal behaviour.
I want to do this right. My questions are:
How much longer should I give this last kick at the can?
Am I giving this marriage everything it deserves before I call a lawyer?
If I haven't given it everything it deserves before calling a lawyer, what do I need to do make sure every stone is turned?
My wife and I have been married 8 years. We have a beautiful baby daughter. People think we are the best couple and family. But our marriage is broken and one sided as far as I can tell. It's marred in her nasty mood swings which I can't handle anymore nor would she admit until just this week. It's all me doing everything she doesn't like to do and avoiding her so I don't feel bad about myself. I do all the cooking, all the clean up, changing and feeding the baby. Everything. I get up, get the baby ready for the day, feed her, go to work, come home, clean up the house, cook, clean up, put the baby to bed then I can relax at about 8:30 pm all while dancing around passive aggressive attitude to make me feel bad about myself, immasculate me and wear me down. I've had no desire to make love to my wife for the past 2 years. My family (eg mother and father) are practically barred from coming to the house. They get their token visits twice a year. I hate every aspect of it. This is my life.
I've tried to speak to her about all of this many many many times and get nothing but attitude and grief for suggesting there is a problem. In fact she accuses me of doing what she does, which is a blantant lie. This has been going on for 4 or 5 years minus the baby part. Usually these conversations end in accusing me of being a nasty body part to which I won't mention.
Recently I fell deeply in love with a woman whom I've worked with and know very well. I was clueless and never saw it coming. One day, I noticed her very differently. That was the end of me. This woman is the most beautiful woman in the world in every way, and I'm not exagerating. A beautiful soul. We've been having an awesome relationship/affair ever since. And it's based on a friendship from the beginning. I can't stop thinking about her. We love each other like crazy people and it makes me very sad we can't be together. We were made for each other.
My wife found clear evidence we were communicating outside work early in the affair, and it wasn't flattering. I thought she was going to call it quits right there, but didn't. She was livid, felt cheated and is suspicious but doesn't totally think this person would be with me. I told it was over. It wasn't and she found more evidence. It hasn't been pretty since.
After the first time she caught us, perfect, I thought, "this is a great intervention, we could go to couples counciling, I'll admit it, I'll call the affair off, we'll sort out the original marrital issues and just maybe we can move forward." No dice. She refused councilling to the most significant crack in our marriage - me involved with another woman. We discussed it many times and the writing was on the wall: "NO." After the second time she caught me, we agreed to go to counselling. We've even had our first session.
Since this, she has made one concession after some long teary conversations. She isn't as nasty as she used to be. I'm not convinced this will last. I have also drawn a boundary - I will not go back to the miserable life I've lived for the past 4 years. And I mean it too, it's not negotiable.
Before my daughter was born, I had seriously considered leaving my wife. She got pregnant. I thought I could last until my daughter finished high school, then leave. Now, I feel like it's too little too late on my wife's behalf, it took another woman to get her attention and believe how terrible my life was - this makes me angry as I never would have gone down that road in the first place had my life been remotely fulfilling, not filled with nastiness but normal behaviour.
I want to do this right. My questions are:
How much longer should I give this last kick at the can?
Am I giving this marriage everything it deserves before I call a lawyer?
If I haven't given it everything it deserves before calling a lawyer, what do I need to do make sure every stone is turned?