I was wondering if anyone out there (I'm sure there are) has gotten through a affair (in my case an expliced EA) then deceided on divorce 2 years later?
I have been trying for 2 years to make things work (maybe not as hard this past year as I could), after a few weeks of outing her she really did stop all contact. It took me 2 months before I was feeling better (not ok) with things then we went into that overly lovey period (which she loved) but after another 3 months is started slipping back into our old lives pre EA which for me was still not good. Pre EA I could look past those many things even though it still really bothered me. Since the EA I just dont care enough to look past.
Right now I wish I walked away when everything happend. It would have been so much easier. Now I feel like, oops missed your chance and now leaving puts the blame on you for walking away. I am a pretty emotional guy so if I dont like the person I see I am going to have zero attraction. I dont hate her, I really forgave her. I see her as my really good friend but I dont feel like I have a wife. It just feels empty and I want more. I just don't see things improving. I know we could communicate better and do more but I just dont feel like that about her. I feel bad about it but I wasnt the one who cheated. Anyway curious on thoughts.
okay, so wife had an EA, you both dealt with it in a proper fashion, but after the dust cleared you realized that there are still some major problems in the marriage that haven't been fixed to your liking and want out?
is that an accurate summary?
guess my questions are-
Are these problems not being addressed at all or are they beyond repair?
Is it that you are still reeling from the affair and can't bring yourself to loving her anymore?
bottom line is that you have to pick a path and go with it, either give 100% towards R or file.
you have to really search deep down as to what will really make you happy
Yes the problems prior to the EA (it was 2 months, photo exchanges and a plan to meet) remain. I cared enough before the EA to try to hope things got better and had spoken about them but like most people resulted in small temporary changes. Now that things are back to normal pre EA life I just cant deal with all those little things. I guess I really am still reeling, I never really thought I was though. I have no anger which to me made me feel like I was over it but I guess its something else now. I'd rather be anger to be honest. I just feel nothing. I know there is no answer someone can give but I just need to figure out if I want to waste another 1,2,5 years trying to see if I might grow to love her (though I never really believe you can learn to love someone - either you do or dont. I cant imagine ever loving any X GF again.) Thanks for the thoughts and keep em coming. I do realize I am not over the EA just not angry anymore.
Oh and little things I dont mean not cleaning or bitting nails. I mean being bitter, negative, and kinda evil at times (though mainly a good person). Never being a partner in our marriage: problems she doesnt want to hear about it cause its too stressful but I get to hear all about her crappy family, crappy friends, and how hard her life is (her words not mine). She just likes the good without the bad. All that, she is a good mom and when she is happy she is a good person but you just never know when it will turn
Hey...I was squeezed through the same laundry-wringer. Cheating. Lies. Excuses. I tried "to do the right thing" and get over it but there really ain't no way back from it. I fooled myself with copious "wishful thinking" just like you...and everyone else.
If there is any advice I can offer...it's this: clear your head, get away from the angst and the emotions. Forget about vindictiveness/hate/distrust/humiliation/etc.
Think rationally, carefully.
Get away from her. How far??? For me, I thought of seeing if NASA had a ship leaving for Mars anytime soon...but then I thought maybe that wasn't far enough!
Nah! Yer gonna have to make your own way through it. It'll be tough. Brutal, even. I've got no real encouragement for you other than to point out that, truly, "misery loves company"...which is what I get outta looking over all these posts!
Funny you say it, I had to leave for work 5 weeks ago (short 2 day trips home few times) and distance is exactly what made me see how miserable I really was and I was kidding myself. I left and realized I am not a boring miserable person, I just act that way to keep the peace which is crap expecially after her affair. I was it was easy enough to just cut ties and start over but we do have 2 great kids and I would never leave them like that. They are likely the reason I didnt leave after learning about everything. Thanks for joining in my misery
13 and 16. 13 is my daughter, shes the one I worry about most. I am very close to both of them. I work from home (doesnt help the situation) so I am with them 11 months (sometimes 12) each year. I know they know my wife has issues, they know to avoid her at times but she is a good mom other than overreacting at times.
distance is exactly what made me see how miserable I really was and I was kidding myself. I left and realized I am not a boring miserable person, I just act that way to keep the peace which is crap expecially after her affair. I was it was easy enough to just cut ties and start over but we do have 2 great kids and I would never leave them like that. They are likely the reason I didnt leave after learning about everything. Thanks for joining in my misery
Whoa! Like reading a post I would have done only a few months ago!
Seriously...get away and clear your head. Okay, so Mars is out of the question. What I started to do was to take different roads with my car to get to work/whatever. Brand new environments. Everything absolutely new meeting my eye. Get a brekky or a lunch somewhere. Like a whole new world...
I can commiserate. What utter CRAP is swimming around in your noggin'!!! Get away from it...even for five freakin' minutes extra driving...taking the long way to get there...
Supertramp's "Breakfast In America" album...Take The Long Way Home. True/true/true, pertinent lyrics to where you're at!
Oh I am away for work and it has cleared my head. It is why I am seeing clearly that the last 2 years were not fixing things just me putting on a good face to look like the good husband. I see now I was kidding myself and all the pre EA issues are still there with new ones on top.
I communicated much of this a year ago. She has not wanted to talk about it since and I have tried to respect that. I do understand not wanting to relive your mistakes. In terms of her other actions we do talk about them but usually when we are already fighting about something else which I know is not the time. I just hate to bring up these things. Anytime I try to talk she gets defensive and tries to turn the tables. I am going to talk once I get done working away. I think it was swept under the rug but she did not do heavy lifting, it was equal work. She did all the right things after a month or so of going back and forth. Then she just asked to not talk about it anymore so I honored that but I really thought I was past it as much as possible. When I have brought up issues she addresses them for a while but slowly goes back.