Anyone else read this book? It was recommended on the forums and I have been reading it. I don't know if I was hoping it would tell me I should stay or tell me it was ok to leave? Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) it is pointing to me leaving.
The guidelines that really hit me were about my relationship never really being "good" even in the beginning. I mean, we had fun, we had good times, but it was never as good as I wanted it to be. We were friends, but the attraction seemed to be missing.
The 2nd one that hit me was that if God gave me permission to leave how would I feel? I would feel relief.
The 3rd one had to do with attraction. With how much I was attracted to my husband (or not attracted). I don't find myself attracted to him at all. Don't think I ever did have the physical attraction I wanted, and him pulling back and sleeping on the couch and not initiating any kind of sex for a whole year (and we've only been married a little over a year), makes him even more unattractive.
I read the book several times before I left my H. However, the book wasn't what ultimately made me walk. JMO, but I found that nobody's advice, no book, no article, no counselor, could get me to leave until I wanted to leave. Since the economy was pretty bad, I stuck it out until the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving.
However, I did find the book informative and a good read.
I read it. Those same guidelines you mention also resonated with me. According to the book I should just leave. And yet... here I am still in MC trying to salvage my marriage..
And totally agree with Prodigal. No book will make you leave. Only you can decide that... when you are ready.
I read the book several times before I left my H. However, the book wasn't what ultimately made me walk. JMO, but I found that nobody's advice, no book, no article, no counselor, could get me to leave until I wanted to leave. Since the economy was pretty bad, I stuck it out until the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving.
However, I did find the book informative and a good read.
I agree that I can't leave until I want to leave. But, I'm also looking for lots of advice in lots of places. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.
I've read that book. And I'm skimming it a second time. The exact questions that resonated with you resonated with me. I happen to be a guy...
For the first question in the book ("was it great?") my answer is also no -- it was comfortable. That's the biggest one for me but the other ones you mentioned resonated with me too.
The questions about, if you were given permission to leave would you? My answer was a resounding yes. If this weren't a marriage, if I didn't have a child, or if I knew that I wouldn't be causing amazing amounts of hurt I'd be gone already...(yes, that's an OR).
I read the book several times before I left my H. However, the book wasn't what ultimately made me walk. JMO, but I found that nobody's advice, no book, no article, no counselor, could get me to leave until I wanted to leave. Since the economy was pretty bad, I stuck it out until the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving.
However, I did find the book informative and a good read.
Ditto... NOTHING can tell you whether to leave or stay, that is a personal decision that everyone must make themselves. But this book does help sort things through step by step... In my case I had about 12 points that pointed toward me leaving, but because of the economy and too many things to go into here, I'm staying for now. I highly recommend the book.
I agree that a book can't make the decision for you. All of my answers were 99.5% in the positive (leaning toward me staying). Some of my answers could be very different in a year or so after marriage counselling, working on stuff, etc.
Personally I don't believe in filing for divorce until I have tried absolutely everything that I can to fix our marriage and/or turn things around and be happy in it.
.The questions about, if you were given permission to leave would you? My answer was a resounding yes. If this weren't a marriage, if I didn't have a child, or if I knew that I wouldn't be causing amazing amounts of hurt I'd be gone already...(yes, that's an OR).
Wow. You hit is exactly. Only I don't have a child. But if this weren't a marriage....if this wouldn't cause amazing amounts of hurt, I'd be gone, too.
If you don't have kids, no financial barriers, don't love your spouse... why is it so difficult for you to leave? I simply don't understand that.
Not trying to be insensitive here. It is obviously difficult for you and others in the same situation.
I have a friend who doesn't love her husband. Her husband is abusive to her, super-controlling, cheating on her, you name it. She doesn't love him, she wants to leave. She has no kids, no financial issues, etc. She has friends and family nearby.... And yet... she can't get out.
Don't be so hard on anyone stuck in the hand-wringing mode. I was there for a decade. Tough/tough/tough thing to get through. I can't think of anything worse, in fact.
What, in all probability, will happen is that YOU go out of you way to make things right...all one-sided efforts, too...and it always will come to nothing.
This needs to happen over and over and OVER before your emotionally-compromised mind FINALLY gets the message.
Me? I'm probably the thickest numbskull out there!
If you don't have kids, no financial barriers, don't love your spouse... why is it so difficult for you to leave? I simply don't understand that.
Not trying to be insensitive here. It is obviously difficult for you and others in the same situation.
I have a friend who doesn't love her husband. Her husband is abusive to her, super-controlling, cheating on her, you name it. She doesn't love him, she wants to leave. She has no kids, no financial issues, etc. She has friends and family nearby.... And yet... she can't get out.
I wish it were that easy. I guess I just don't want to give up until I'm sure I did everything to make it work. And he's not a bad guy. He treats me well. It's just that he doesn't seem to "get it". And not having sex for a year is huge. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. And I'm afraid of leaving and being alone and changing everything in my life. May sound silly to some people, but that's just my reality.
I get what you're saying about wanting to be very sure that you've done everything you possibly can. That makes perfect sense. In my mind, the question is how long do you want to hang in limbo?
Honestly, at some point you need to make a decision ... either you're in it for the long haul or you're not in it. If you care about your husband (and for that matter yourself), you'll make that decision much sooner than later. If you're not in it, you both need to be given the freedom to move on.
Are you being very honest with him about how you feel? What are his thoughts?
I get what you're saying about wanting to be very sure that you've done everything you possibly can. That makes perfect sense. In my mind, the question is how long do you want to hang in limbo?
Honestly, at some point you need to make a decision ... either you're in it for the long haul or you're not in it. If you care about your husband (and for that matter yourself), you'll make that decision much sooner than later. If you're not in it, you both need to be given the freedom to move on.
Are you being very honest with him about how you feel? What are his thoughts?
I've been honest with him. This started pretty much after we got married. He was in complete denial for about 6 months and then when I said I was done he decided to make changes. But, his problem is that he can talk the talk, but he can't seem to walk the walk. I truly think he wants this to work. He is truly in love. But, he is in denial of our problems. It's like he thinks if he doesn't talk about it, doesn't think about it, everything will be fine and nobody will get hurt. It seems like that's how he deals with everything in his life that upsets him. Anything that's difficult. The changes I've seen is that he tries to do everything in his power to help me around the house or at work or anything. But, he still doesn't share his life with me, talk to me, share his hopes, dreams, disappointments. And he has slept on the couch for a long time. Even when I tell him that I've waited for him to come back to our bed and that I never wanted him out of there.....then he just gets upset and says, "You're the one who drove me here..." Well, instead of continuing to blame, just let it go and start sleeping in the bedroom. But, he won't. And, I honestly admit that at this point it would just seem weird. I wouldn't even know how to share a bed with him anymore. Doing nice things for me is great, but there is so much more to a marriage than that. Plus, I'm going to be 31 next month and I truly want to have children. I was finally ready to get married and start a family, but how do you start a family with someone you don't even have sex with?? How do you have a family with someone who is so emotionally shut off from you.
I have tried and tried to let him know how I feel. By talking, by yelling, by telling, by writing letters. And everytime, he just totally breaks down and then the next day goes back to ignoring everything again. I guess that is probably what has kept me here (although it's sad to admit) because we've never really gotten to the bottom of it or to the end of it. And maybe we never will. That's where I'm having a difficult time. I want to know that I've given it my all, but how can I do that when he won't even let me???
You can't. I've been following your posts for awhile and it seems to me you've tried everything - at least that i can think of. It is almost as if you're looking for permission to leave. You don't need it, you can leave ... his loss.
You've got about 10 good years to have kids. That means you need to leave, divorce, heal, find someone else, marry and get comfortable. Sounds like 5 years to me. The clock is ticking.
On the other hand, you could leave, he could have an epiphany and your relationship could heal. Perhaps he needs a big shakeup to be motivated to deal with his issues.
My opinion? Leave. What do you really have to lose? What you have now is clearly not even close to what you want.
I wish it were that easy. I guess I just don't want to give up until I'm sure I did everything to make it work. And he's not a bad guy. He treats me well. It's just that he doesn't seem to "get it". And not having sex for a year is huge. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. And I'm afraid of leaving and being alone and changing everything in my life. May sound silly to some people, but that's just my reality.
You need to read a book called "Addicted to Love" by Pia Mellody. Or google "love addict/love avoidant" relationship. Let me know if anything there sings true to you.
Too good to leave; Too bad to stay 
