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First Counseling Session-True Colors

6K views 39 replies 16 participants last post by  yellerstang03 
#1 · (Edited)
Time being wasted? Am I just rushing this process?

We have been in this stagnant place for at least 2 years now. I posted a year ago when I was at a breaking point and actually started to accept the fact that this marriage was not healthy and I went to counseling to work thru those emotions. (he didn’t want to go-went once) Since then I have learned how to deal with my Narcissist husband and became more vocal about how I feel, as of January 2016 I told him that things aren’t changing and I am ready to start moving forward ie. Move out/start divorce process. I have just gone numb to him and of course NOW a year later he is doing all these things to try and keep me including counseling cause that’s the only way I will consider staying in this marriage.

We just had our first counseling yesterday and my mind is just blown at his behavior and words in counseling. His true Narcissist colors showed and he was all over the place- Me Me Me-rude to the counselor-emotional-angry-insulting etc. He said some crazy things in there saying that “I am making him think these crazy things” example find a 20yr old and go start a new family?!! I’m shocked! Like WTH?! I wasn’t expecting that one but hey I guess that how he feels ? After the session he was crying and saying he couldn’t look at me and wanted to go get kids. I refused him cause he was just not stable enough and scaring me. I’m losing patience and I’m starting to think even this is a waste of time.

We have kids and after yesterday Im thinking the longer I stay the more mental damage he will cause them, I have been patient thinking I will keep trying to make it work for the kids. Zi don’t want them to be hurt by a broken home. I’m not so sure anymore I feel like I can be strong and more stable then what they are currently living in. Now Im wondering what we will get out of counseling? Am I just rushing this process? I just wanna file and start moving out already. UGH :confused:
 
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#4 ·
Give it a few more sessions and see how he reacts.

I am glad you understand the impact this marriage is having on your kids. A lot of people stay in bad marriages for the kids, not wanting to admit the damage it does to the children.

Mama, stay strong just a little bit more. Your kids need you to be their safe and strong place. Try going out a bit to get away from his influence and do things away from him.

Keep posting to vent. My heart is with you.
 
#6 ·
Your husband most likely suffers from some sort of emotional arrested development. And this is what causes adults to have child-like behavior in conflict situations. What do you know about his childhood and any traumatic events? Is there any rejection, abuse, abandonment, molestation, death of a family member below the age of 13? These things will all cause shame, which will then drive your husband's negative behavior for the rest of his life....until he decides to face his past and his pain.

People can change, but often there are several coping/defensive mechanisms that are in place that can stunt change. Those mechanisms are so strong (they're subconscious) that sometimes we would rather sacrifice our relationship with our spouse than moderate our own defense mechanisms, face our own pain, and heal for the sake of the relationship. They're that powerful. But if someone can get past those layers of defenses, there is probably a hurt little boy.

Marriage counseling isn't very helpful to people who have a lot of childhood wounds. It requires individual/group therapy and it needs to be more intense. People need to heal their own pasts before they can heal their marriage.

Also, have you looked at your own past yet? Or is everything you husband's fault? Remember, despite his behavior he is your husband and not an enemy. And everyone is responsible for their own feelings and behavior. No one can make us feel and act a certain way.
 
#9 ·
I would totally agree. Marriage counseling does not help when one or both people are broken individuals.

My husband has an undiagnosed personality disorder. I'm wandering is it possible to have more than 1? I toggle between thinking he is narcissistic or passive aggressive. He displays traits from both disorders.

They say that these people can make you crazy and they can, but I have found that the thing that distinguishes their victims from them is the fact that we can empathize. They can't and I don't know if that is their fault, but I certainly know it's not mine.

My H acts like I he can do no wrong, but his parents practically raised him to be that way. He didn't have to take any responsibility for anything, so why would he think he had to now.

In the early stages of our marriage, I saw his ability to care; now, I rarely see it. Maybe our marriage played a part in all of this. I wouldn't doubt it, but at least I can accept that. He doesn't want to accept responsibility for anything other than being a victim.
 
#7 ·
If he is a true narcissist, you are fighting a losing battle. Unless of course he is aware that he is and actively works with a therapist of some sort (on his own...) to get his PD under control. Is he doing that? Im guessing probably not. He will pull out all the stops to get you to stay, then once he feels that you are securely in your place, he will go right back to being himself.

Your children will end up much more damaged by having to live with him than if you split up. Narcissists are so toxic.
 
#10 ·
:iagree:

While the other posters have the right idea when NOT dealing with a narcissist, reasoning with a true narc is impossible. They have no empathy, they will only do and say what they think will work in the situation due to their need to preserve their facade. They will lie and deny (gaslight) as necessary, weep as necessary, charm as necessary, and when those don't work, watch out - then comes anger. With a narc you are either with them or against them. As soon as he realizes you are serious, you WILL become their enemy. No matter how nice and reasonable you want to be.

There is no way to resolve anything. You have children? Protect them at all cost from a narc. They WILL be manipulated to choose sides, be told all sorts of lies, and if they don't comply, they will feel the wrath by being ostracized by their own parent. Look up 'parallel parenting plan' - you will need one.
 
#8 ·
MOM I feel for you, however you have only started the process. Everyone will tell you that it will not be easy but you owe it to yourself, your kids, your marriage to go through the MC and give it some time. if there are no break throughs then decide what to do next. You may find it tough, full of mixed emotions, but you cannot rush this process. Be brave.
 
#12 ·
You did the best you could and even tried going to counseling to save your marriage. But ultimately, your husband will not change his personality or who he is no matter how bad he wants to keep you around. Especially a narcissist. Sounds like he needs to grow up a little, too. I suggest moving forward in your life and starting the divorce process if that is what you want. You need to take care of yourself and the kids. Also, make sure he doesn't try to bring the kids in the middle of it!
 
#16 ·
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#30 ·
people who need help usually only think of themselves first, 'the poor me' radar is the one that is up, everyone else is simply collateral damage. Someone who was traumatised in their childhood will do everything to protect that child inside, rightly or wrongly.

You should also check out the SoberRecovery forum, they deal specifically with addictions including alcohol and drug use. MANIPULATION is the key communication technique of an addict.
 
#21 ·
**Update we had our 2nd session yesterday. I don't think I mentioned this in my first post but he also insulted the counselor during our session (she wasn't a good at her job because she was divorced) Once again....I'm baffeled at his reactions in counseling. He insulted our counselor again!! She finally told him that she will no longer see us as a couple unless he agrees to seek help on his own, he needs one on one therapy. After a lot of resistance he finally agreed to seek help on his own. It's like he sabotaged that session on purpose. I am even more so thinking this is waste of time!! our session got cut short and now its just up to him to get counseling but in the meantime??? I mean what I just have to be more patient uggghhhh I'm so emotionally drained! Now he is putting it all on me....He is in shock that I want to leave him, Give him another chance and why am I not fighting for him or this marriage? We get home and he tells the kids hes sad cause he is always alone. I finally just told him STOP stop projecting your feelings onto them, its not fair! He just said ok I guess I will just bottle everything up. IDK but counseling has made me want to leave even quicker. I see all the manipulation and just cant stand it!

He will just never GET IT! heart broken sad and not sure what I am doing at this point.
 
#22 ·
He is an idiot. Tell him that he doesn’t need to bottle his emotions! He can talk to someone else..friend, family, counselor, but NOT the kids! Wth is he thinking? Or is he just not thinking?! If he can’t stop behaving like this in front of the kids then he needs to move out. I think you two need to do a legal separation and live separately so he can get individual counseling. If you want to make this work then it’s going to take a LONG time for him to get any progress. If you can’t wait that long or if you don’t think he will get any better then it’s time to pull the plug and leave. You tried counseling and obviously he’s not being receptive to it.
 
#35 ·
You have had plenty of good and rational replies here ........ Do the right thing and give yourself and your kids a chance to have a peaceful and safe refuge without this loser ........ Make a plan , double check it and get ready to eject yourself and your kids away from
this mess ......... Trust your gut instincts
 
#38 ·
"At it's core, divorce tells children that they are not valuable enough for both parents to deal with their own personal issues for the sake of the family. It doesn't get any more wounding than that."

How sad that you took your parents' divorce upon yourself. My parents divorced when I was around 8 and I never thought I wasn't valuable enough. Even then I realized that these 2 people had no business being in the same room let alone married. In fact, your statement sounds rather self-centered. People who stay together for the kids are just two miserable people inhabiting the same house. Kids pick up on it and if anything this is what wounds a child.

I hope your counseling will help you to forgive your parents for their divorce.
 
#40 ·
It was sad that I took it upon myself and it has taken a lot of hard work to get past that. I've basically had to go back and re-parent myself on the things I didn't learn. And it has involved forgiving my parents. I wish I had realized it sooner, but emotions like that get stuffed away as a child and we don't even know that we do it. But do you realize that's what most children do?

I used to feel the same way you do about your parents......until I came to realize that it was just a coping mechanism. After all, how were they supposed to have me if they weren't in the same room? How do you feel valuable if you are saying that your parents should have never met or been married?

You are also assuming there are only two choices available....(1) Stay in a miserable marriage, or (2) Divorce. And that is simply not true. I know it may feel that way sometimes because couples often become locked into a pattern of responses with each other. I have felt the same way. But that's not reality. The reality is we all have choices every day to choose to change. I know that as a man if I can change how I feel about myself, I can change my behavior and therefore my relationship with my son and maybe my wife someday. And if not her, than someone else.

I think the opening poster is doing the right thing by being the first one to change the dynamic....by exploring counseling and starting to draw boundaries. It might even take some sort of separation, maybe a therapeutic separation. Sadly, a lot of men only respond to change when a woman takes serious action, but different types of separations lean towards different outcomes. The Family law court system is not usually in the business of putting marriages back together. Divorce is thrown around too casually and its negative effects often don't show up for years.

My only suggestion was that often in an attempt to blame our spouses, we overlook our own contributions to a marital breakdown.
 
#39 ·
Give a few more counseling session a try. He might have just been saying those things just because he's pissed off that he has to go. If he truly is sorry about what happened, it should happen again.
 
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