Eight Year Loving Relationship Crashing and Burning After Baby - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-19-2016, 05:51 PM Thread Starter
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Eight Year Loving Relationship Crashing and Burning After Baby

Let me apologize in advance because this is going to be a bit lengthy...

My boyfriend and I have been together eight years. We have a nearly ten year old son (mine from a previous relationship, but my boyfriend is the only day he knows). We now have a 13 month old daughter. My son is wonderful, but has behavioral/developmental problems, and I absolutely adore my baby girl. Our family is "perfect", but the relationship with my boyfriend is gone. Gone to the point that I have been halfheartedly coming up with plans on where I could go if I left him. I don't know what to do. I am completely unhappy. Again, I love the kids, but the love/like/romantic aspect of my relationship has completely fizzled. Here is a bit more information:

For the first six years of our relationship, things were great. We had a couple of low spots, but we were happy and always worked things out quickly. We were great friends. We did everything together even though my son was with us nearly 95% of the time. It was great. We went on weekend trips, went to movies, hung out with friends, played board games, played computer games, had the occasional bbq, visited museums, went on bike rides and walks, and visited the zoo and aquarium several times a year. We laughed a lot and were very close. He would tell me every day how beautiful I was. We would give each other massages and cuddle, and our intimate relationship was wonderful. About five years in, we decided to have a baby. After a year and one miscarriage, I became pregnant with my daughter. I think this is when things turned sour.

My pregnancy with my son was easy going until the inevitable uncomfortable last month or two. With my daughter, it was miserable. I planned on working until the eighth month, but became ill and incapacitated at about 6 weeks. I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum that did not let up until the sixth month. Then, I was uncomfortable, struggled with a pinched nerve in my back and had to be induced early due to high blood pressure. The birth went well and my boyfriend was there for me completely during birth, although he seemed "annoyed" with my sickness and quitting working earlier than planned (it had always been understood that I would quit working when the baby was born and finish my bachelorís degree). About a month after our daughter was born, my mom came to live with us and stayed about six months. I know that could put a damper on a relationship, but we handled it well and it wasn't a huge burden. So, I don't know when exactly everything blew up. Actually, it has more or less fizzled away rather than blew up.

Fast forward to today, now that you have a little back story. Today, I no longer get called pretty or beautiful. When we go anywhere, I drive and my boyfriend shoves in earbuds so he doesn't have to listen or talk to me and the kids. We don't hold hands, we don't cuddle, and we barely kiss. In fact, it has become commonplace for him to come home on lunch, kiss all over the baby before he leaves, then either walk out the door without kissing me or looks extremely unhappy to "have" to kiss me. We have family who can watch the kids, yet we don't go anywhere alone together. I think we have gone out as a couple 3 times in the last 13 months. I keep coming up with ideas for outings or weekend trips, with or without the kids, and his response is for me to plan the entire thing on my own and let him know what I come up with. As far as sex, we have averaged twice a month since I was cleared at my six week post-partum appointment. He NEVER initiates sex. Honestly, I pretty much don't have any sexual desire whatsoever, but I know sex is important, so I have been trying to get things back on track. The sex has become completely impersonal. He doesn't want to hug or kiss me during, and all of the foreplay that we used to enjoy is gone. There is none. I have been SO offended during some of the intimacy because he has literally shoved my head away from him during the act. He also doesn't seem to care if I enjoy it anymore, and he used to always care.

What's even worse is he has told me on multiple occasions that he hates being a parent and will never have kids again. He says he is unhappy with everything. I don't get it. We planned the size family we have. My son can be incredibly difficult, but our kids aren't bad. They are sweet, loving, fun kids. I get so mad when he says this. I have worked since I was 16, more than ten years, so being at home is a major change. I am so happy to be able to stay home with my baby because a lot of people don't have that option. However, I don't keep up the house as good as he wants. And he isn't afraid to tell me. He tells me it looks like I do nothing all day, which is crap. Lately, he keeps asking when I am going back to work even though we have always planned on me being home until my girl is two or three. We don't have money problems on any level, yet he keeps bringing up money. Although we are in too small a house, he said moving would be too expensive for us. BUT... he told me yesterday he is putting money aside to get his private pilotís license and a small plane. That is about $30,000. He seems to only be thinking about himself. I think he may be making such "extreme" plans because he is not happy with anything and is trying to find happiness. Again, this is just a guess of why he is doing this.

I know he isn't happy. I am not happy. I love him and we have a great little family, but I will only be 30 this year and cannot fathom living in a romance lacking, attention starved relationship much longer. I am losing my desire to fix things. I have always been one to do my hair and makeup every day because it makes ME feel better. Now, I do my makeup maybe once a week, if that. I don't even care about keeping myself up anymore. Whatís the point? The idea of losing our family unit and rocking my kids' lives is horrible and I donít WANT that to happen, but I am bordering miserable with the way things are going. I feel like I have at least been trying to get things back on track, but he seems indifferent or annoyed at everything these days and doesnít seem to care. I don't know what to do.

Has anyone else had their relationship crash and burn after having a baby? Does anyone have any suggestions or advice? I feel so alone right now.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 05:16 PM
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Re: Eight Year Loving Relationship Crashing and Burning After Baby

The complete lack of affection seems like he might like someone else now and might have cheated or is cheating on you. Or these difficult times have brought out the worse in him. He said he doesnt want any more kids and is unhappy about having 2 kids but he gives a lot of affection to his daughter when he is leaving? Maybe he wants out and just resents that the kids are in the way of him leaving, possibly for someone else?

"Show forgiveness, enjoin kindness, and avoid ignorance"
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 06:55 PM
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Re: Eight Year Loving Relationship Crashing and Burning After Baby

Good evening
As too many parents find out, having children isn't what they thought it would be. I think he realizes that this can't be undone. The pilot's license is just a way to try to have something of a new life, since he doesn't like the one he has.

I'm not excusing his actions - he is behaving very badly.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: Eight Year Loving Relationship Crashing and Burning After Baby

Some people truly can't parent. We all chafe at the loss of freedom that comes with children, but typically the joy of the kids outweighs the burdens. For some, this isn't the case.

You are young. Your H is resentful of his role in your family and wants his single life back. (I'm sure that he loves the kids, but he doesn't like the life they require of him.) It doesn't sound like he is attracted to you. Most likely, you are equated with all of the irritants that have 'robbed him of his youth and freedom.' His resentment over your employment status is also telling. It's resentment and entitlement all around.

You are correct, in my opinion, that life is too short for you to set yourself up in this indefinitely. Tell him that it is clear that he is unhappy and that you want to discuss separation and/or divorce. You will both find out soon enough whether your love for one another is gone for good or not.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 09:59 PM
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Re: Eight Year Loving Relationship Crashing and Burning After Baby

You can't blame the baby and parenthood. From your other posts, it sounds like there were difficulties long before your pregnancy.

When relationships change after a baby, I tend to think that the presence of the baby simply sheds light on behaviour that was already there, but masked. You are now seeing your boyfriend's true colours, that's all. He sounds selfish and self-absorbed, and places his needs above those of his wife and child.

He may recognize that about himself and adapt, or he may grow resentful.

And not to scare you or anything, but having an affair would also account for this behaviour.

My advice is to seek counselling. He may be able to tell a counsellor what he is unable to tell you, and hear from a counsellor what he is ignoring when it comes from you.
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