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Is my new wife abusive?

5K views 42 replies 28 participants last post by  EnjoliWoman 
#1 ·
We have only been married a year and yet I'm all ready feeling as if I'm checking out. We both have kids from previous marriages. She has made it clear that her and her sons feeling always come before me and my kids. She hates my kids mom(they have gotten into verbal altercations) and basically doesn't want me communicating with her pretty much. We have fought a lot about that. She thinks I role over to her when I'm just trying to find out about my kids and see them. She has called me names such as a "f'n p***y" and a "little b****" while arguing about it. I'm at the point where I almost feel like I have to hide comunication with my ex to find out things with my kids.

I'm constantly on eggshells about what she is going to get mad about next. Recently my kids went to Disneyland with there mom and she is all upset and resentful that her son doesn't get to go, so now I have to pay for a trip for us to go to Disneyland next year and she said she doesn't want my kids to come. She doesn't want to ruin the experience for her son. I always have to remind her that if I was to say these things to her she would be upset and probably leave me. She almost always apologizes after she gets mean. She says she's sorry and won't get mean again, that she has a hard time controlling herself. The last one was she got stuck in traffic picking my kids up from school, which she only does once a week. She told me she is never picking them up again. I had to remind her I take her son to school every morning and make him breakfast and lunch. She then apologized again. I don't get my kids as much as she gets her son. On two occasions she has made me feel bad for taking my kids when her son was with his dad because we need more "alone time". Which hurts because she knows how much I miss my kids.

She has also already threatened to leave three times. Every time the next day she apologizes and says she can't live without me.

She is a good wife in other ways. When my kids ARE here she does a lot for them. She cooks, cleans does laundry. Of course I help when I can.

I'm just really torn and can't handle this up and down, and hate to say I'm having regrets. I have tried to talk to her and she says I need to stop living in the past and get over the things she says, and that I'm going to ruin our relationship.
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#34 ·
A lot of deal-breakers here, does not like your kids or treat them fairly, bad temper, jealous of mother, threatens to leave rather than address problems. Her good quality is apparently her ability to apologize but even that seems meaningless since she makes no effort to change her behavior and indeed our acknowledge no interest in change: "I have tried to talk to her and she says I need to stop living in the past and get over the things she says, and that I'm going to ruin our relationship."

You have mentioned multiple danger signs, abusive personality, dysfunction, conflict, but there is apparently little good except some ability to do some household tasks. Next time she talks about leaving, say you can go. Do be careful, her abnormal behavior and accustomed dominant role may become problematic if you speak up for yourself and be careful of false allegations of abuse.
 
#35 ·
Whose house are you living in, hers, yours or is this a new place you got together? How old are the kids?

Best advice I can give you is don't cave in to her demands and if she continues to bad mouth then point to the door and tell her to move on if she isn't happy.
 
#37 ·
Update

So Im still feeling a lot of resentment towards her and she can sense it now. She is getting sad and thinks I dont love her like I used to. I think I need to see a counselor just for myself.
I need to find out if there is coming back from this. I just feel like so much has been done and said in this short marriage of ours.

Something weird happen today. So she is out of town for work. She is staying in a house with a bunch of girls for the weekend. They were all drinking together tonight and getting a little crazy.
She told me she showered with her friend, but said ''don't worry, we didnt do any lesbian stuff!' She knows i consider doing anything with the same sex cheating as well. She told me when she was younger she messed around with a few girls while drunk.

To be honest the only reason it pisses me off is because she knows that it would make me slightly uncomfortable, and the fact EVERYTHING makes her jealous. Then she does something like that. I look at it as a respect issue. She wasnt showing any respect for my feelings once again.
She was more worried doing drunk crazy stuff with her work friends. Mind you she doesnt go out ever, its not normally a problem.

I dont know, maybe im to critical now. Its really pissing me off. I didnt say anything to her cause shes drunk. I just said "That's a little weird.."
 
#42 ·
Something weird happen today. So she is out of town for work. She is staying in a house with a bunch of girls for the weekend. They were all drinking together tonight and getting a little crazy.
She told me she showered with her friend, but said ''don't worry, we didnt do any lesbian stuff!' She knows i consider doing anything with the same sex cheating as well. She told me when she was younger she messed around with a few girls while drunk.


To be honest the only reason it pisses me off is because she knows that it would make me slightly uncomfortable, and the fact EVERYTHING makes her jealous. Then she does something like that. I look at it as a respect issue. She wasnt showing any respect for my feelings once again.
Besides the fact that she has some serious boundary issues, I am getting the feeling that this woman doesn't give 2 $hits about you or your feelings bro.
 
#38 ·
She's testing you. And don't worry about whether you passed or failed it. Who gives a d@mn. Just focus on you and the kids for a while.

I agree, IC is in order.
 
#39 ·
I told her I needed counseling just for myself about a week ago, and she got all nervous and scared. She wanted to know why.

Do you mean testing me as in seeing if I will get mad? To see if I still care even?
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#43 ·
I agree that she had a tendency toward BPD traits and this is one of them. She's playing a push-pull thing with you. Your response was good - it didn't get her any results. BPDs tend to like drama because it makes everything about them again. She would have turned this into her being a victim of your unreasonable jealousy.

This isn't healthy for you or the kids.
 
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