Should I tell my husband about my affair?
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Old 10-12-2011, 09:16 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Recently I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I told him I no longer loved him, I wasn't happy and I wanted out. This was hard fo rme to tell him. I do love him, just not as much as I should and it has been hard for me to admit that to myself, let alone to him.

He was and still is heartbroken. We are looking at options right now to seperate. But in the meantime he is doing everything possible to "win me back". He is cleaning the house, talking about his mistakes, buying me things, declaring that he knows I will change my mind. I won't. What he doesn't know is that I had an affair. The AP and I ended it on our own months ago. I am thinking of telling my husband. I hadn't planned to because I didn't see the point and I don't want to hurt him further. But I don't know how else to make him see how and why I feel like I do. I don't know how else to make him stop blaming himself for my feelings now. It's not him. I do regret the affair. It was selfish and my husband didn't deserve that. I know if I tell him he will hate me. He will tell all of our family and friends. He will make life hell for the AP. But I can't end our marriage by merely telling him I don't love him anymore.

I know I did this all to myself. I don't want to hurt my husband any more than I already have. I just don't know what to do.

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Old 10-12-2011, 09:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Yes
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Old 10-12-2011, 09:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Yes, he has a right to know.
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Old 10-12-2011, 09:58 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

yes
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Old 10-12-2011, 10:23 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Think of it this way, what else do you have to lose?

You will actually regain some of your self-respect if you do so.
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Old 10-12-2011, 10:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

I disagree. Ending a marriage because you aren't in love is perfectly OK. If you tell him you will only cause more pain for him. If you plan to stay then tell him. If you plan to leave do NOT tell him...unless he'd find out from someone else.
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Old 10-12-2011, 10:55 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dontKnowMe View Post
I disagree. Ending a marriage because you aren't in love is perfectly OK. If you tell him you will only cause more pain for him. If you plan to stay then tell him. If you plan to leave do NOT tell him...unless he'd find out from someone else.
so letting him think the marriage ended because of something he possibly did instead of her affair is the right thing to do?

she's hurt him already and continues to hurt him by not giving him all of the facts as to why she is divorcing him
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Old 10-12-2011, 11:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Yes, but you won't.

You have shown yourself to be deeply selfish by cheating in the first place. You have rationalized why it was ok for you to have cheated,and you will find reasons why it is better not to let you husband know the truth about the hateful, hurtful person you are?

Youre worried her will turn family against you and make like he'll fir the guy you cheated with? Well good for him. You both deserve what ever he can do to make you suffer consequences fior cheating. But, what you are doing instead is walking away from the marriage with no intent of being kind to him, you just want him gone from your life so you can concentrate on making you happy. You want to avoid the truth coming out because it will make you look bad. You remain selfish.
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Last edited by Shaggy; 10-12-2011 at 11:05 AM.
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Old 10-12-2011, 11:49 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

I think that honesty is best no matter whether u want the marriage or not. people deserve to know the cause behind the problems, so they know what to do in the future. I think if you left, not telling him is double the pain.

If you tell, no matter what, you both can finally deal with it head on, and heal in time. Otherwise, the affair becomes a "festering, necrotic wound" for both of you separately.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

IMO you should tell him. You already stated you had no plans to change your mind. So you might as well. Don't let him think he did something when really he didn't. Just confess and move on.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

What are your other options?
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I know that I need to tell him and hearing it come from others just shows me that it is the right thing to do. None of this is his fault and even though I want out of the marriage, I can't walk away from it knowing that he thinks it is his fault when it's not.

Shaggy...bitter much? I am sorry if you have ben betrayed. I have been on both sides of it and I am sorry about what I have done. But not every person who cheats is like every other person that cheats. Did I make a huge HUGE mistake? I did. I wish I could change it. I can't. I want to do the right thing now. And I will. I don't care what he tells family. I don't care if we beats the hell out of the other guy. I have every intetion of telling him exactly who it is. If I wanted to avoid the truth then why would I even be asking this question? You can't paint everyone with the same brush.

I texted my husband and told him we need to talk tonight. I will tell him then.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:38 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Meli

Yes you should tell him.

I wonder sometimes if the married men and women having affairs have children.

Do you have children. What are they going to think of their mother? My father did this to our family growing up. I have to be honest, I found out in my early 20's what my dad did to my mother and the family as a unit. I lost so much respect for my dad. He looked like such a coward at the time.

Anyway, you owe your husband an apology. He deserves better than you. I am positive he will be ready for a divorce once you tell him.

You are confused. In the beginning of your post you wrote you told him you did not love him. Then you continued to say you loved him. What is it. Do not be confused by "in love" and "true love". In love is nothing but a feeling we all have. It comes and goes and then it comes back. True Love is very powerful, it is about respect, friendship, a common bond so to speak.
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Old 10-12-2011, 12:47 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I tell my husband about my affair?

Mei, it's not that I am bitter. I just don't have any tolerance for rationalizations, excuses, or lies. While you did ask the question, you spent the other 99% of your post down playing the cheating. You made it sound nice an clinical. You didn't cheat, you had an affair. You didn't have a POS OM with you, you had an affair partner. Everything you write cleanses and lightens you choice to cheat and lie.

So I called you on it. harshly because it seems like you need a little harsh reality to wake you up from the fog you clearly are still in.
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Old 10-12-2011, 01:06 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Gonefishin...we have three children. I don't want them to ever know what I have done but I assume they will. That kills me but I can't do anything about it.

I do love my husband but I can't say I have ever felt true love for him. He deserves better than me, I know.

Shaggy...I am sure I am making excuses and rationalizations. I am not far out from the affair and I still sometimes see it through rose colored glasses. I know I need to be honest with everyone and I will do that. I need to break out of this fog but I don't know how. I am starting to see that my affair was no different than any other. I wasn't special to my AP. He wasn't special to me in reality. I had sex with someone else, I lied over and over to my husband, I cheated my kids out of their family. I screwed up big time. I get it. And it kills me. Even though it was me who did it. It is just too hard to face.

Last edited by Meli; 10-12-2011 at 01:26 PM.
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