Male, 42, married 15 years, 2 wonderful sons aged 12 and 10. Over time we have grown apart, so apart, and now we are only together for the children. If we didn’t have them we’d have gone our separate ways years ago. When they leave home we undoubtedly will. Living in the same house, doing many things as a family but living what I call a transactional existence. Tasks, no love, no emotion, no communication, no physical contact, no hugs, not even a kiss. My wife and I avoid time together, we’ve avoided time alone for over 8 years. Our lives are hectic but revolve totally around the kids. At times this seems fine at others I feel so alone. Going through life’s challenges without so much as a hug is tough. Why do I stay? the children, but they must know this isn’t ‘normal’. When I see a couple my age clearly in love and enjoying each other’s company I ache. Is it better to stay or can we part and find new happiness without ruining our children’s childhood? How on earth do you make this choice?
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,459
Re: When is it time to call time?
In order to provide some answers, what are the issues between you and your wife? What drove you apart? What attracted you to her initially and she to you?
__________________
Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
I don't think anything drove us apart - just time. When we met we both had fast track careers, we both loved to travel, we came from similar backgrounds - in fact she was my sister's best friend at school so I'd known her since age 13. But we didn't get together until I was 19. I went to a single sex boarding school and am shy, I fell for and married the first real girlfriend I ever had. The first years were good. The children came along and we found ourselves leading separate lives and for work reasons I spent three years living 5 nights in a flat in London, 2 nights at home. My wife is the suspicious type, got an idea I was having an affair (I wasn't, which she now accepts) and filed for divorce. The first I knew was a letter from her solicitor telling me how things would be. Terrified I'd lose contact with my kids I fought to stay - and won. But we have never trusted each other since - every penny I spend, every email I receive, every web-site I visit is checked. I will also never trust her - I wait for the next letter to arrive. Nothing drove us apart but I really can't see how we could get anything back from here.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 2,459
Re: When is it time to call time?
Since you say you are sure you will split when the kids are on their own why not try to improve the marriage. It is likely your youngest will be there for another 8 – 10 years. Do you want to live like this? Deciding to end the marriage is an option but I would recommend you try to mend it first. I see nothing in your post that demands a divorce. Mostly communications and trust issues, both of which can be improved. Even if the marriage never fully recovers you can be happier with each other if you can improve on those two issues and it will be a better environment for your kids.
__________________
Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
You asked do I want to live like this - the answer is no I don't. I have made that decision. No love, no emotion, no communication, no physical contact, no hugs, not even a kiss. Utterly alone. Life is too special to waste another 8 years.
We stick around for the kids. Our marriage is just a caring companionship-type relationship and its no longer enough. As I get older, and maybe wiser, this matters more and more. I am contemplating leaving simply because our relationship is not based on love, I could say we're like friends but actually I share more emotion with my friends than I do my wife. I do wonder if this was ever love. When I see a couple my age clearly in love and enjoying each other’s company I ache. When I talk to other women I feel life could be so much more.
But I'm absolutely torn and I come back to my first question - is it possible to part and find new happiness without ruining our children’s childhood? How on earth do you make this choice?
Basically your children know if your happy or not. I've known many kids who wished their parents had gotten divorced growing up instead of "staying together" for the kids. *if* you decide to get divorced here are the best things you can do in regards to the kids mental health:
1 - sit down as a couple and talk to them and tell them that it has absolutely nothing to do with them.
2 - make sure that they know that she is always their mom and you are always there dad and that you will both always love them and be there for them no matter what
3 - let them ask questions - but answer honestly the questions they do ask
4 - keep the split as friendly as possible and continue to raise your children as a unit. NEVER use them as a bargaining tool or as a way to strike back at your ex, they are innocent in all of this.
My ex and I have managed to do this for the past 2 years, but number 4 gets increasingly harder to follow (the first part, not the using them as a weapon - that will never happen on my end) due to my upcoming marriage and his fiance whom I don't really care for many reasons. But I will keep working on it the best i can.
I hope this helps in some way. And I hope you will only need this advice if you don't take the advice of others and try to rekindle what once existed in your marriage. Best of luck in all your decisions.
When is it time to call time?
