Follow my heart?? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
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Follow my heart??


I have been married for past 8 years. My wife and I know each other for past 11 years and after about 3 years of courtship we got married. Our relationship started with friendship. She is very caring and she grew very fond of me gradually. It wasn't love at first sight, but slowly friendship turned into a love relationship and we got married.

My wife was not first love. I met my first love at a very young age. I was 17 years and she was 14 years old. We were together for about 4.5 years. We didn't have any sexual relationship. Due to family opposition we broke up. We were out of touch for about 7 years. Then around 5 years ago, she emailed me to congratulate on my son's birth. We did speak a few times on phone after that. Then after about a year or so, she emailed me saying that she still loves me. I was not sure about my feelings and I was too busy with my family and professional life so avoided telling her anything. Year after that she got married to her boyfriend, who, she said "liked", but not "loved".

Now this year, I was on a business trip in the same country where she is and we decided to meet. We met and naturally staying in a hotel led to having sex eventually. I felt very guilty initially thinking about cheating on my wife. But slowly that guilt got lessened and on my second trip, we met again and stayed together in the hotel for about 9 days. Our old feelings returned very strongly this time and right now I am in a place where I want to be with her. I feel mentally and physically connected with her and these feelings are very strong.

In my heart, I have always loved her very deeply and I feel that love is even more stronger now.

I have told my wife about meeting my FL, but didn't have the courage to tell her all about sexual relationship. Eventually she found out everything. We have had many many fights, arguments, discussions since then. My wife was still ready to take me back if I cut all my relationship with my FL. But, I am not able to do so. I feel very strongly for my FL.
I care about my wife but, I don't feel the love for my wife. I fell out of love with wife years ago before even I met my FL. My wife and I have hardly had any sexual relationship for past 3-4 years. I don't feel the sexual drive with her at all.
I love my children to the core and I feel immense pain thinking about leaving them.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 09:06 AM
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Re: Follow my heart??

Yes. Be a man who is actually worthy of being called a dad, and a husband.

Do far all you have been worthy of is being call is selfish and uncaring.

When you married you wife you made a commitment to her. When you had kids you made a commitment to then.

Neither of these commitments was qualified with disclaimers like " until something more exciting or fun came along"

Right now you are teaching your kids that commitments are flexible if you find they aren't perfect down the line. Everything is negotiable with everyone.

Bottom line is you are absolutely wrong to have started talking with the OW. You were wrong meeting up with her. And you showed your true colors when you repeatedly cheated.

You kids now know you won't have their backs or best interrests, you will just do what's best for you.

Your wife knows you are a cheater who can't be trusted with her heart, because you casually spit on it.

Why of OM would want a boy (not man) who walks away from his family is beyond me.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 09:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Follow my heart??

Thanks for replying.

I realise I shouldn't have talked to my FL in the first place or decided to meet.
I feel guilty of how much hurt and pain I caused to my wife. I wish I could forget everything and make up to my wife. But, I don't feel the love with my wife and I can't say things to her that will make her feel good just to avoid the pain. Everyone will say I need to "work on my existing relationship", but to "work" on a relationship, one needs to feel it, love the person you want to make the relationship work. I am not able to feel the love with my wife. It's been like this for years.
My fear is - will I be able to make my wife happy with love in my heart for someone else. Will I be happy? Will this unhappiness not affect the children in the long run?
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 10:48 AM
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Re: Follow my heart??

I am going through something similar except there is no other person involved & my wife is the one who is leaving.
Let me start off by saying that I doubt you comprehend the emotional damage you are inflicting on your wife. I've spent the last few night with my gun under my pillow, thinking about blowing my head off. If you did not love this woman you should have never committed to her. Marriage was never intended to be the transitory thing it is today. You made a promise to this woman to be faithful, in good times, bad times & everything in-between; my wife has been a terrible person, totally inconsiderate of my thoughts, feelings & emotions for 4 out of the 8 years we have been married, but I have stood by her, & stand by her still & will until the day the divorce is settled and I give her back my ring. Have there been opportunities for other love interests in my life? Sure, but I made a commitment & just because she isn't holding up her end of the bargain doesn't mean I don't have to either.

That being said, if your heart is not in it & you want to take the easy way out, let her go & do it quickly. Nothing you can say or do is going to make up for the pain you' ve caused & dragging it out so you can make up your mind about your morals will only make it worse. Don't make your family a martyr to your guilt about what your doing. That is completely yours & you must own it.

If you decide to do the right thing and stand as a man of your convictions it will not be an easy road. You WILL need individual & marriage counseling you will have to give up freedoms you used to take for granted & you will have to earn her respect & trust.

Ask your self how you wod feel if you found out she had taken a lover in your absence. If you don't feel like this would affect you at all, you probably have nothing left to fight for.

I pray that whatever you do you will do it wholeheartedly & quickly, for the sake of your family
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 11:11 AM
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Re: Follow my heart??

She is a self centered home wrecker, cheat and liar.

Is this a hard choice for you?
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Follow my heart??

Thanks Ryan. I think that's a fair summary of the current situation. Like most of the men, marriage for isn't a transitory thing for me. I did make commitment to her when I did. But, it is also the truth I do not feel the love for her anymore. It is not because I have met my FL. It's been years I have felt like this. Mentally and physically I am just not able to connect to her. I know with two small children in the house, sex life for couple changes drastically, but I have completely lost the physical want for her over the years. This is probably because, we started connecting mentally less and less over time. Most of the time, I feel like being caretakers of the children than anything else.
It is very selfish for me to think of finding the love I longed for because I am only thinking about my feelings. But, at the same time, how can I love her when I don't actually feel it in my heart. Is this fair to her not to feel the love from my side.

I appreciate many things about her. Her caring nature, decisiveness, intelligence. But, don't feel the love. The nature of our relationship was always like this. Many time, she takes care of me like a child. I feel the love from her, but I couldn't return the love like a man does to a woman. It was more of a motherly or friendly love.

I feel an unique mental and physical connection with my FL. May be I have met her after many years and our relationship ended abruptly due to external factors. I also know, if we live together, after some time, we will probably be in a similar place i.e. caught up in daily life routine. But, I feel the love for her. I feel like loving her, taking care of her.
If we hadn't met, we all wouldn't have been in this situation today. But, may be life is offering this opportunity to know myself, my personality, my relationships with people. It is probably helping myself knowing what kind of person I actually am.

My mind says I should stay. But, can two people live together without love between them? Is this fair to both? My heart says I should go and be happy so that I can make people I care about, happy.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 11:55 AM
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Re: Follow my heart??

Top of the world,

When I found myself doubting my commitment over the years, I went to councilors, doctors, took anti-depressants; and through all that the best advice I found was from couples that had been married 20, 30 & 40 years: people fall in & out of love, the situation your describing, your feelings for your wife bieng more for what you would feel for your mother, most people that have been married for a significant time have experienced that. The tiedium of day to day life wears on on a couple & produces the "caretaker" feelings your describing. Life with your partner can take up so much of your time & energy that you have little left for each other at the end of the day.

People often make this mistake. It takes time & effort to maintain the spark in your marriage. You have to actively think & work at carving out time for your significant other.
Just like a real fire, the flames go out if you don't tend them.

The newness & intensity of the feelings your having for the ow are clouding your vision of the truth:
That you have a woman you loved & can love just as intensely as ever.

I cannot emphisize how difficult of a road reconsilliation with your wife will be, or even make you any guarantees she will ever forgive you & later end the marriage herself when u are doing all the right things. I don't want to presume to tell you what to do, but as the offending party it is your obligation to make the sacrifices nessicary to
Ale it work.
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Last edited by RyanHamilton; 10-17-2011 at 07:55 AM.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 10-16-2011, 11:57 AM
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Re: Follow my heart??

But as I said before, if you don't see it in you, the most compassionate thing you can do is end it quickly
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