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Husband wants a divorce

4K views 18 replies 12 participants last post by  DustyDog 
#1 ·
The other day, I guess my husband had finally had enough and told me that he wanted a divorce. Is it just me or is it the last fight every couple has before divorce something ridiculously stupid like a $2 bag of potato chips or not putting gas in the car or forgetting to get paper towels at the grocery store? He says that he wants a divorce once our youngest is out of the house, which is six years from now. I'm debating whether I just force the issue now or try to figure out how to make this relationship work for the next six years under these new circumstances.

The main reason I am posting right now is that I finally got up the courage to make an appointment for individual counseling. It took me months to get to this point and I was practically in tears just leaving a message. I don't know what I'll be like when they finally call me back to set the appointment. Then I guess I'll actually have to go and talk and cry - I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not. I need to figure out how to cope with all of this. It's not easy. I've always said that being married is very difficult, but it's starting to feel like ending this marriage is going to be the hardest thing of all. Frankly, I'm not opposed to the divorce. We've definitely grown apart lately. But this is still very difficult. I still love the big idiot and I hate the thought of this family breaking up.
 
#2 ·
Let me just verify something.

Your husband has been willfully out of work since at least 2013.

Your husband doesn't like to be around other people.

Your husband loses his temper frequently with you and your children.

Your husband is simultaneously a know-it-all and yet doesn't actually do anything with that knowledge.

And he doesn't do any housework or help much with the kids, either.

Is any of this wrong?

And if not, why are you not the one kicking him out? Or at least not fighting him leaving?

PS he's bluffing.
 
#3 ·
You're not wrong except that he's been out of work since 2003 (not 2013). One of the main reasons I haven't kicked him out is financial. He has no money at all so it would cost me money to get him out and keep him out (i.e., I'd have to pay his bills - I don't want him to be destitute). Despite his occasional outbursts, I'm still not convinced that he should be away from the kids. I feel conflicted because I know that I am probably too soft on them and so maybe I'm overreacting to what I think is him being too hard on them. They are awesome kids and they tell me that they want him around.

As for bluffing, for right now, I agree. He's told me this before (and I agree) - he's not serious until he actually gets a job. He knows he can't afford to leave. He's pretty much alienated all of his friends so it's not like he can go crash on someone's couch.

Re-reading this post, I think I sound like a pushover (by not kicking him out). This is where I am most conflicted: I am constantly talking myself out of being really harsh with him because he does have good qualities. And I don't want to put him out on the street when we've got all this history together, a lot of which is really good. And he's the father of my kids, who love him. I think it would hurt them to perceive me as being mean to their father.
 
#5 ·
That's rich, he's telling you he wants a divorce when he has not supported his family in 13 years? Is he a stay at home dad and you work so much you can't take care of your kids or are you working a lot because he can't get a job?

I think it's all about what we agree to . If you have agreed to be the breadwinner and he's agreed to do 100% of the child raising while you bring in the money and you are both fine with that then it's great.

But if not then think again.
 
#7 ·
You don't want him to be destitute?? That is on HIM my dear...fvck this sh!t. He is capable of working, so kick his mooch ass out and whatever happens to him is his own responsibility, not yours. He wants to make you miserable for the next six years? No, he needs to go NOW.
 
#8 ·
Yeah, he sounds to me like a lazy bum. And considering he's been out of work for 13 years, I can't think of any way you could make a case to the contrary.

Him being destitute is his problem. He is fully capable of making his own money, you're just enabling his laziness and lack of responsibility.

And as for your kids, you are teaching them how a marriage is suppose to work. You are also teaching them how to be an adult and make good decisions. Do you want them to marry free-loaders who don't care about them because they think it's normal? Is the state of your marriage what you want to imprint upon them as marital love?
 
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#19 ·
Him being destitute is his problem. He is fully capable of making his own money, you're just enabling his laziness and lack of responsibility.
I thought this particular gem needed emphasizing.

What my sig is all about is what can you do versus what you are responsible for doing. At the end of any analysis, you cannot be responsible for things you don't control. You do not control his behavior, his feelings, his thoughts - or anybody's results.

If he becomes destitute, it is not your problem, it is a result of all of his thinking and choices.

You and your children deserve better.
 
#9 ·
I went and re-read your OP from 3 YEARS AGO...you husband is a selfish ass, and you need to get rid of him. Why in the world do you tolerate this?? My second husband was SO MUCH like your H that its scary...except for the fact that he worked his butt off. Everything else though is like a flashback...I divorced him after a horrible road trip with him and my daughter where I had that SNAP moment. (or CLICK, if you like) He turned out to be a miserable, nasty man, not at ALL who I believed I was marrying.
 
#10 ·
I'm glad you're getting counseling soon.

While you like him there for the kids, what you are showing your kids is that it's OK to make one person do all fo the work in a relationship - at a job, at home, etc. And you are showing them it's OK to treat you with disrespect by making you do all of that. This isn't a SAHD situation where he does all of the housework and laundry and has dinner on the table - the workload is very unbalanced. Six more years of you being the breadwinner will mean palimony for you. He needs the ultimatum now. If he gets a job and stays, good - maybe you two can work it out. If you are afraid his getting a job is a sign he's serious about leaving - again, good. It's time he grew up and became responsible. Noone with self respect would let someone else shoulder all of the work. He should be contributing as much as you - whether it's around the house or with income.
 
#11 ·
If he hasn't worked since 2003 you might be paying support . See a lawyer know what your up aginst. Make nice and encourage him to work. Then once he got a job file.
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#12 ·
Well, maybe not...if there is no physical or mental disability/reason for him not working and he just CHOOSES to be a lazy leech, that may have some impact on the outcome. Spousal support isn't prevalent as it used to be. But agree, lawyer up for sure.
 
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