Well, I don't even know were to begin. I will have to give a little background Info on our marriage so I can get good advice. I will try not to drag this out. Me and my Wife have been married for 9 yrs and together for 17 yrs. We have 2 kids. A Daughter 14 and Son 9. She never wanted kids and I was told I could not have kids. First problem and she has never let me forget It. I could not ask for a better mother for our kids even knowing she did not want kids. We met In Ohio and lived there for 16 of those yrs. We are now In North Carolina, Were she Is from and were all of her family Is. I am from Ohio. Born and raised. We moved to North Carolina a little over a year ago In the hopes that her being back home and around her family could help our marriage by making her happy. Good Idea but has not changed anything.
I want to fix my marriage. I love my wife with all my heart and life without her Is no life at all. I have spent the last 10 yrs holding my marriage together by a thread. I hear at least once every few weeks that she wants a divorce and I have been hearing that for years now. One of these days she Is going to go through with It. Every year around Income tax time I have to worry that she will take the money and the kids and leave or so she keeps telling me every year.
There has been infidelity on her part 3 times. The last time was just over 3 yrs ago. I have never cheated on her. The first time It happened and when everything changed between us was 16 yrs ago. My daughter was just born and I being young and not ready for a kid flipped out and told her I did not love her anymore. The worst mistake In my life...Up to that point she loved me like no other and would have done anything for me. I have been trying for 16 yrs to get that back. We split up and she was with another a man and got pregnant and had to have a abortion. I was by her side through all of this. We got back together after that but she has never loved me like that again.
My problem Is that no matter what I try she always blows It off and tells me It's to late. If I try to talk to her about her feelings she always changes the subject or gets mad. She says she hates me but I don't understand why? I love her, I tell her everyday. I do everything I can to try to make her happy but no matter what, It does not work.
We have great sex when It happens and that's when the woman I fell In love with comes back. It Is passionate with desire and love and we go for hours, but the problem with that Is there has to be alcohol Involved. Without It sex Is quick and not good and no feelings at all. What can I do to bring these feelings back on a permanent basis??? The feeling are there she just keeps them buried. WHY?? I know she loves me, she says she does not but then why does she stay?? We act like a married couple but we don't cuddle, spent time together other than watching TV, talk or just be together. We don't do anything together..What can I do to change things If she Is not willing?? I don't want to loss her. I want to make things right between us but I don't know why she feels the way she does about me and she will not tell me. PLEASE ANY ADVICE????? This Is just a over view. There Is a lot more. Questions just ask. I could use all the help I can get....
I know you love her deeply and want things to be good between you, but the way you are currently going about it isn't working. Sure, she hasn't left you yet, but it sounds like you are being disrespected up one side and down the other.
I would say bottom line it. Line up three counselors for you and her to interview and start working on the marriage, if she's not willing, then you might have to let her go. I know that's the last thing you want, but you know the say "If you love something and you let it go...."
I would also suggest personal counseling for you. You sound like a battered husband. Physical violence doesn't have to be evident, the emotional and mental abuse is loud and clear.
LonghornIII, the basic problem here is the absence of any strength of character on your part. To put it crudely, you have no balls, and your wife completely lacks respect and love for you as a result.
You ask 5 questions.
1) Why is the sex with your wife only good when you are both drunk? Well, alcohol lowers inhibitions, deadens feelings, and lowers barriers. If your wife is drunk and doesn't have to think too much about the fact that she is having sex with you, she has a better time than if she is sober.
2) Why does she keep her feelings of love for you buried? She doesn't, actually. You know what she really loves? The feeling of other men's hands on her. And she has put herself in other men's hands multiple times in your relationship (marriage is really not a good descriptor for what you have), three times that you know of, and probably a dozen times you don't know about. YOUR WIFE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. She tells you every few weeks. She has passionate affair sex with other men. The feelings she keeps buried are the depths of her contempt for you.
3) Why does she stay? Probably because you provide food and shelter and pay her bills. And watch the kids when she is out doing things with other guys that she won't do with you. Besides, after she has been plowed like a springtime cornfield, she can always come home and know that you'll be there waiting for her. It's a good deal for her, as long as you don't cause too much trouble for her.
4) What can you do to change things if she is not willing to do stuff together (and generally act like she's married to you)? I recommend the 180 set of behaviors. Search this site and Marriage Builders until you find it. Honestly, it also sounds like you could benefit greatly from some individual therapy, because you have no self esteem and are completely unable to establish boundaries of acceptable behavior in your relationship.
5) Any advice? Why, yes. In addition to the 180 and counseling mentioned in answer to your 4th question...... A healthy, confident man who is in control of himself and his life does not "hold his marriage together by a string for 10 years." Nor does he tolerate infidelity on the part of his wife. Nor does he put up with his wife threatening divorce "every few weeks."
Now. You are in no way, shape, or form a healthy, confident man. But you should, as a man, aspire to be one as much as you are able to. The 180 and counseling will help you start down that road, if you want to go. But if you don't, well, you've made it this far in life being a doormat for your wife. You can't change the past, but you can make the future what you want.
So how are you going to live the rest of your life, LonghornIII?
First off thanks for all the advice and I will try what has been suggested. Not what I wanted to hear but I needed to hear It.. I did not think I was the one being abused. If you ask her I am the one that does the emotional and mental abuse. I also what to make It clear that I am not perfect. Up till about 6 yrs ago I was a very irresponsible person both with my finances and my family. I could not hold down a job and I did not take care of my family. I was very selfish and she stayed, married me and took care of the family during that time which was almost a decade. At this point, I don't think she Is cheating again nor do I think she has but I can't be 100% sure of that.. It just seems like she Is OK with the way things are and she Is not willing to try to fix It. As If she Is just waiting till our kids get older than she's gone. We don't fight much at all. We don't get to see each other were much because of our jobs. We both work at the same place but I work 1st and she works 2nd.. So we get to see each other all of about 5 mins, as she Is coming In and I am leaving and some weekends If we don't work. This has been going on for about 3 months now and I want to believe the time apart Is making her miss me. I have seen small changes over the last 3 months but nothing groundbreaking. When we do see each other she seems to truly miss me. I also want to make It clear I am not saying she treats me bad. She does not, she just does not want to make It better than what It Is..
Well since my last post things went from bad to worse. In December right before Christmas she broke off all contact while we still lived together. She starting talking to and hanging out with other men from work. So In January I moved out and now I am the bad guy because I left.
Since then I have been trying to separate myself from her as I watch her life go down In flames but she knows how I feel about her after being with her for 17yrs and she uses those feeling to get me when she needs me and when she doesn't I am put to the side. She has destroyed her life In the last 5 months and In the process our kids.
What do you do when you love someone so much and you have such history and kids???
LonghornIII, I actually don't feel bad at all in sitting here and saying "I told you so."
In your case, as you have described it, what you do when you love someone so much and have such history and kids with them is exactly what I recommended to you last October.
Eat, live, and breathe the 180 (did you even do any research and find out what it is?).
Go get lots and lots of counseling to help you find some self esteem, and to understand why you continue to be (deeply) involved in such a toxic abusive relationship.
You've made a little progress- moving out was a great step, even if it was probably a case of her kicking you out, rather than you boldly announcing that you can do better and leaving on your own. But you have some distance from her, and that's better than no distance.
Turn off your cell phone during the day, so she can't get ahold of you whenever she wants. Turn it on in the evening and retrieve your messages. Don't reply to any of them until you have had a night to sleep on them and think about what you want to say. If it isn't about your kids, I recommend a default position of not saying ANYTHING to her.
The only person in the world that can end the misery is YOU, through your own actions and decisions. Want to feel better? Make better choices about your life.