Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: State Home for the Perpetually Annoyed
Re: Wife wants Divorce - Need Advice PLEASE!!
LonghornIII, the basic problem here is the absence of any strength of character on your part. To put it crudely, you have no balls, and your wife completely lacks respect and love for you as a result.
You ask 5 questions.
1) Why is the sex with your wife only good when you are both drunk? Well, alcohol lowers inhibitions, deadens feelings, and lowers barriers. If your wife is drunk and doesn't have to think too much about the fact that she is having sex with you, she has a better time than if she is sober.
2) Why does she keep her feelings of love for you buried? She doesn't, actually. You know what she really loves? The feeling of other men's hands on her. And she has put herself in other men's hands multiple times in your relationship (marriage is really not a good descriptor for what you have), three times that you know of, and probably a dozen times you don't know about. YOUR WIFE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. She tells you every few weeks. She has passionate affair sex with other men. The feelings she keeps buried are the depths of her contempt for you.
3) Why does she stay? Probably because you provide food and shelter and pay her bills. And watch the kids when she is out doing things with other guys that she won't do with you. Besides, after she has been plowed like a springtime cornfield, she can always come home and know that you'll be there waiting for her. It's a good deal for her, as long as you don't cause too much trouble for her.
4) What can you do to change things if she is not willing to do stuff together (and generally act like she's married to you)? I recommend the 180 set of behaviors. Search this site and Marriage Builders until you find it. Honestly, it also sounds like you could benefit greatly from some individual therapy, because you have no self esteem and are completely unable to establish boundaries of acceptable behavior in your relationship.
5) Any advice? Why, yes. In addition to the 180 and counseling mentioned in answer to your 4th question...... A healthy, confident man who is in control of himself and his life does not "hold his marriage together by a string for 10 years." Nor does he tolerate infidelity on the part of his wife. Nor does he put up with his wife threatening divorce "every few weeks."
Now. You are in no way, shape, or form a healthy, confident man. But you should, as a man, aspire to be one as much as you are able to. The 180 and counseling will help you start down that road, if you want to go. But if you don't, well, you've made it this far in life being a doormat for your wife. You can't change the past, but you can make the future what you want.
So how are you going to live the rest of your life, LonghornIII?