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42 years

21K views 115 replies 36 participants last post by  Openminded 
#1 ·
We have been married for 42 years. Our life was always really good and full of love and passion. About 15 years ago the wife had a hysterectomy. From that point her passion slowly dwindled until 10 years ago then totally stopped. She decided she was done with sex. Over the last 10 years she decided she would give me a hand job on our anniversary. Only tome in 10 years she has touched me. I have tried everything imaginable to help her. Trips, flowers, special dinners, nothing worked, I asked but never no change. 2 years ago she had cancer, had a major surgery, has gone through numerous treatments. She is now maintaining her own. She has plenty of strength to go out with our adult children but still no strength for me. Still no desire on her part.

I may be old but still desire the love and passion of a woman. I feel I may miss any remaining happiness in my life if I stay, but wonder if I am justified in wanting to move on.

I have so many emotions running through my head I'm afraid to make a sudden decision that I may regret down the road.

Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you

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#2 ·
I'm really sorry that you have to deal with this. I find myself in a very similar situation although I have no idea why my wife all of the sudden started to not care about not only me but for the kids to. She has plenty of energy and time for her friends but not us. If you have the desire for a woman but you wife won't comply , that's leaves very little options other than divorcing her and finding someone else. That's what I plan to do, eventually. It's sad, all the work that you put into the realationship after all these years means nothing now.
 
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#4 ·
I find it really really hard to understand how anyone can do what your wife has done. How can you be with someone for decades then suddenly decide to quit having sex with them or kiss them or hold hands???

What does she say about it? Does she have a reason, or just excuses? Is it medical?

If she has just arbitrarily decided this for no real reason, then you are entirely justified in getting a divorce and finding a woman who WILL meet your needs. All of them. Have you told your wife that you WILL do that?

Have you guys tried MC?
 
#7 ·
She thinks I'm crazy, she believes at our age that stuff doesn't matter anymore. It is not important. Every time I try to discuss it she tells me I have the problem. She feels it isn't important.
Well she's dead wrong. Then what the hell does she think you need her for? A roommate?!?

If she won't change DIVORCE her and find the long overdue passion you deserve.

Life's too short to put up with selfish people who only care about their needs.

1 hand job in 10 years is just beyond ridiculous. It's downright cruel and abusive.
 
#6 ·
And she won't, because up to this point she hasn't had to. She has stopped, and you have accepted it as you are still here. You need to have a direct converstation with her telling her it simply IS not acceptable, and thus you will NO longer accept it, and if she's not willing to even work at it then although you love you her, you will be forced to divorce her as your marriage requires passion and a wife, not simply a room mate. Period. Then stop talking and listen. She what she says. If she doesn't take you and your needs seriously.....or tells you to go ahead then you will know how important you are to her and can act accordingly.
 
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#40 ·
This is the proper answer. The women is now essentially a female eunuch.

I really feel sorry for her.

But a man needs what he needs.....too....she [apparently] does not feel sorry for him. She mocks him?

She has been punished by fate. She has no sexual feelings left.

She is pushing him away in a dismissive manner.

OP needs to re-balance his marriage and his life's balance sheet.....the pluses and minus's. Debits and Credits posted.

He may have to leave her over this. What a shame. He may be forced to minus himself of the missus.
 
#10 ·
It was time to tell her that your needs matter 10 years ago.

If you don't stand up for yourself then no one will.

If she doesn't meet you in the middle somewhere you either file for divorce and leave or make a deal where you get your needs met elsewhere and accept the roommate financial partner deal.

Depending on your finances.... splitting your property and money could really suck after 60 and it could mess up the family dynamic.

It's tough to make a change that big after tolerating being treated so poorly for so long. I would expect she would tell you to leave if you don't like it at this point as she sounds like a heartless selfish person.
 
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#12 ·
It pains me to read of a marriage that has evolved to this...this should never be...it's everything against loving, cherishing, to have & to hold...I feel anger just imaging being in this situation...I often wonder how the wanting /devoted spouse is not eaten with resentment living like this...how do you come here -showing humility.. because you still love & care about her.. it's very wonderful of you.. but how are you not blistering ANGRY , feeling gravely cheated !

Heart wrenching to read, more so because you sound like a good man.

It makes it more difficult because she's had cancer.. everyone will rally around the one who is sick.. so often the caretaker is ignored.. and he or she is drowning emotionally / physically.. If she has the energy to devote to your adult children.. she's got some for you.. she just doesn't think it's important.. BUT IT IS ! ... she has checked out, given up, has pushed you aside -for years on end..

Can I ask.. is she feeling resentful towards YOU in any way, something from the past? As another said...something DIES in us when touch is taken from us.. I wouldn't be able to live like this..

If you are someone who lights up with touch, affection, who wants so much to GIVE.. but also to receive...God bless you.. you deserve to find that.. Live it.. enjoy it while you are here.. Passion revitalizes the heart after all..

Not sure what all to say other than I feel for you.. I don't think getting older should resort to "just roommates".. it's just NOT acceptable..

I hope you sort this out, with or without her , and find happiness again..
 
#13 · (Edited)
@help42, My wife and I must be as old as you and married as long as you and your wife. My wife has gone through everything you're wife has and more. Disfigurement. Lost libido. HRT not an option....

I don't know what you and your wife were like or how intimacy was in your marriage before these events. I also don't know how these traumatic life events changed her as a being or how each of you handled the recovery from them. There's a lot involved in these situations, it's not just the changes to her body and mind. It' who you were before, it's how things were handled during and after, it's state of your life situations and age now, and of course, what you both see and need for the future. Needless to say, it's complicated.

My advice (from a couple that returned from a stint at roommate limbo) If it's gone astray it's time to find a guide to see if the two of you can find common ground to stand on before you walk away from your life partner. Find yourselves a MC (MFT) or a restoration program first. Wouldn't it be worth it to make it work with her, then take your chances at finding something out there?

I can tell you my wife and I have found common ground where we can both be happy where we are. A compromise where we both win. Where two work toward one goal. BTW, she gushes at the fact that her man of 40+ years still desires her at this age.

I know it takes two. Does she know your thoughts about leaving? You may need to let her choose.

Best
 
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#15 ·
Over the last 10 years she decided she would give me a hand job on our anniversary.
My wife pretty much hates me. Yet she'll give me a BJ pretty much on demand. She'll lad down while I do my thing with her. Titty fock? No problem. She'll work with me.

Imagine if she LOVED me but just didn't like sex? I'd be the happiest man alive.

If your wife loved you, she'd work with you. She fell out of love and is comfortable with that. Go to your grave with it or do something about it.
 
#28 ·
My wife pretty much hates me. Yet she'll give me a BJ pretty much on demand. She'll lad down while I do my thing with her. Titty fock? No problem. She'll work with me.

Imagine if she LOVED me but just didn't like sex? I'd be the happiest man alive.

If your wife loved you, she'd work with you. She fell out of love and is comfortable with that. Go to your grave with it or do something about it.
I assure you, if your wife hated you, you wouldn't get within ten feet of her for sex. Perhaps, your cause is not lost? The very fact that she will have sex with you tells you that there is opportunity.

The OP can try with his wife as it seems he does love her. His wife may believe that sex always involves PIV - she can broaden her horizons.
 
#16 ·
Help42, have a very honest conversation with her. Get her to read some literature on the needs of men. His Needs Her Needs. Some women think that men's sexual desires diminish as they get older, how wrong are they!

have you told her you desire her as much as you do, she may not feel very sexy or lovable after all she has been through, you have to communicate this to her.
 
#17 ·
We have talked many times. She knows that I still find her to be very attractive. Every time the subject of sex comes up she says I am unrealistic in my expectations at our age. She truly feels this is 100% normal to have a non sexual life at our age.

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#19 ·
She truly feels this is 100% normal to have a non sexual life at our age.
Well she's a fool. She's an old stubborn woman who's decided whatever she thinks applies to everyone. Who cares what an ignorant person thinks? It carries no weight.

You need to start taking ownership in YOUR life. What do YOU think? This is clearly NOT what you want. A life sentence of emotional abandonment. So man up and DO something about it!

If she's not on board then sail away without her. You need to start making some HARD decisions. You only get one life. Do you really want to finish it out in a sea of resentment?!?

Men don't sit at home pitying themselves. Men take action. Tell her what you want and make it clear that if SHE will not give you the affection you deserve, you WILL find someone else who will.

Then execute your plan and never regret it a day in your life. There is nothing else left to say. You know what to do deep down. You need to find the courage and conviction to do it. Simple as that.
 
#18 · (Edited)
@help42, Your W is carrying common misconceptions, and not just about the needs of female and male intimacy. Since she's the low desire person in the relationship she holds the key to the frequency of intimacy. She doesn't grasp that by wielding that power and denying the high desire partner she is damaging both the relationship and the HD partner. She actually sees this as you causing the conflict in the relationship for wanting intimacy when she doesn't. So she doesn't have the marriage she wants either.

This is why I suggest you find a third party that understands these dynamics to guide you both. Chances are if it comes from you, it will be taken as more of you pushing to do something she doesn't want. This doesn't mean you have no part in this dysfunction. I can't fathom how it took 10 years to get to the point where your only option may be to move on.

There is some reading available that will enlighten you to these dynamics. The book @aine suggested (His Needs, Her Needs) presents a good understanding of the emotional needs of men and women in a relationship. It did help my W understand my needs.

I would strongly suggest you read Dr. David Schnarch's "Intimacy & Desire". I have found nothing better to explain, and recover from the age old LD/HD conflict.

Best
 
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#20 ·
OP this is a tough one. It seems like her medical issues caused this and it's possible that losing her female parts made her feel like less than a woman and thus either chemically or emotionally caused her to lose interest in sexual intimacy. That said 42 years is a long time and you have to ask yourself what you will accomplish by starting over. If I were you I would have one last come to Jesus moment with her. From what you wrote originally it seems like you have done things to try and spur her on but I don't know if you've ever talked to her and figured out the real reasons why she's like this. Does she know how you really feel or have you just been dealing with it and accepting it for the past 10 years.
 
#21 ·
We have had numerous conversations and it always comes back to my unreal expectations of having a seal relation at our age. Which I told her I think she is the delusional one thinking sex stops at 60.

I hear some saying man up give her the ultimatum then get out. I have tried to be patient over the last ten years. I kept trying things to rekindle the flame but I finally realized I'm beating a dead horse
It's hard walking out after 42 years but I know I can't keep things like they have been over the last 10 years. It's even harder with the cancer. I feeciate el like I would be walking out on her when she needs support the most.

I appreciate hearing from everyone. It helps to hear from other people. Thanks again

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#24 ·
You have to DO something here. Can you make a decision to DO something? You know things aren't going to change if you just keep doing nothing.

First see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Get something drawn up that you have to give to her. (you can halt proceedings at any time, you know. Many spouses need to be hit over the head, though, and nothing says I MEAN IT like divorce papers)

Schedule an appt with a sex therapist and don't tell your wife about it, then just take here there. If she balks when you get there, tell her that if she leaves, you have divorce papers all ready for her. Then ask the therapist about your issue. (I would suggest letting them in on what you're doing and the fact your wife is being brought under duress in a last ditch effort to save your marriage)
 
#30 ·
I have no idea of how she got her ideas about sex. All I know once I say the word sex she throws walls up faster than Donald Trump.

As far as my appearance I have lost 65 pounds over the last few years. Size was never a factor before. I am hygienic and take pride in my appearance.

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#31 ·
The other thing I can't figure out is when we did have sex years ago I made sure she orgasmed first when we had sex. The only time it didn't happen was an occasional quickie, she was happy with a pump and dump. This was very seldom though. Up until the last 10 years we had a very satisfying sex life.

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#32 ·
So, don't say the word 'sex'. How about cuddle, close, intimate, loving? There's bound to be one word that doesn't set off her alarms. Then you can cuddle ... and see where it goes. My guess is she needs some good information with which to work. After that, she just may be sexed out.
 
#33 ·
I am 62 and H is 64. We've always had an active sex life. Right now it's 3 to 4x/week. It's definitely less adventurous, but it's very much there and active.

Your W's ideas are her own. I have friends who also expect an active sex life. One good friend just turned 65 and she is loving the sex in her marriage.

I think you are right and your W is wrong. I would sit her down and insist on a change. What that change is will depend on her. Without sexual satisfaction, you can leave and find it somewhere else.
 
#35 ·
Talked with the wife yesterday. Told her if things didn't change between her and I that I was seriously considering getting a divorce. She blew up saying she couldn't believe I would throw 42 years of marriage away over sex. Said I need help to even considering to go through with that. Said she is to busy staying alive to worry about sex... but she can go out all day shopping and movies. So I don't expect any changes. So I know pretty much what I need to do if I'm ever going to feel the love of a woman again..

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