Is my husband abusive?
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Old 10-24-2011, 11:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is my husband abusive?

Six days ago my husband and I got into an argument about something really stupid. I put a screen (or room divider) infront of our patio doors b/c we don't have blinds or drapes and my husband didn't like it there. I explained to him that it gives some privacy since we don't live in a great neighbourhood and the condo we live in has a shared staircase with our next door neighbours, so when they use it they can see right in the patio doors. Anyway, he didn't like it there and moved it the next morning when we were having our coffee. I told him I like it there, and moved it back. He then moved it again and put his thumb through the material in the process (it's one of those paper-like Japanese style screens). He was yelling and going on about me being paranoid that someone is watching me and that I am crazy, need help, etc. When he broke the screen and stated yelling at me, I walked past one of his guitars and calmly knocked it off its stand. I know this was not smart b/c he immediatly charged at me and pushed me so hard I flew from the dining room into the kitchen. I reached for my phone and he grabbed me and would not let me go and he took my phone away and said he was going to break every phone in the house. I am trying to figure out if this is abuse or just him reacting to me knocking over his guitar. In the past he has only grabbed me 2 other times and one time he grabbed a book out of my hand and threw it against the wall - but he's never hit, slapped, kicked or punched me. I'm not sure what to do. We haven't spoken since it happened. He wanted to make-up shortly after the whole thing but I wouldn't because I felt everything really got out of hand and it wasn't something that we can just say sorry and move on. I feel like he's controlling and always has to get his way - why should he care if I put a screen infront of a door? But this is how he has been since we've lived together. I don't know what to do.
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Old 10-25-2011, 09:10 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband abusive?

Yes its abuse! It's up to you whether you continue to allow it.
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:07 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I know this was not smart b/c he immediatly charged at me and pushed me so hard I flew from the dining room into the kitchen. I reached for my phone and he grabbed me and would not let me go and he took my phone away and said he was going to break every phone in the house. I am trying to figure out if this is abuse or just him reacting to me knocking over his guitar. In the past he has only grabbed me 2 other times and one time he grabbed a book out of my hand and threw it against the wall - but he's never hit, slapped, kicked or punched me. I'm not sure what to do.
Anytime a man/woman has to get physical to prove their point, it is abuse. To rational adults should be able to communicate without getting physical. The fact that he has grabbed you twice, took a book from your hands and threw it, and that he charged you and pushed you proves that he is abusive. He doesn't have to "hit" or "slap" you. He is already showing you that he has the capabilities to become very abusive at any moment.
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband abusive?

Yep, he can go to jail for domestic violence in any of the 50 states. In my state, you could ride along with him, charged with domestic vandalism for trying to damage his guitar during your hissy fit. Both of you need to learn some adult conflict resolution skills.
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Old 10-25-2011, 09:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Yeah.....but damaging his property is pretty damn juvenille... He should not have grabbed you. You should not have instigated him. This has fail all the way around. You both need to grow up, MC maybe?
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Yeah.....but damaging his property is pretty damn juvenille... He should not have grabbed you. You should not have instigated him. This has fail all the way around. You both need to grow up, MC maybe?
Instigated him? That's like telling someone she got raped because she wore short skirt. Nobody's mentioning the fact that HE damaged the screen ...I guess that's ok for him to get mad and break stuff ? Furthermore, (not that it's even relevant) but I didn't DAMAGE his guitar, I tipped it off it's stand onto the carpet. It didnt' even go out of tune. Anyway, you and the previous post are really missing the point. If I had skipped all the details of what lead to him pushing & grabbing me (like many people on here do) you would all be saying..."oh yes, that's terrible that he did that.." Just because I'm being honest about the entire incident, you are shifting the whole focus to the fact that I "damaged" his property. Newsflash: Guitars don't break from falling off their stands onto carpets. The police would be laughing their asses off if he tried to say I "damaged" his property.
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Yep, he can go to jail for domestic violence in any of the 50 states. In my state, you could ride along with him, charged with domestic vandalism for trying to damage his guitar during your hissy fit. Both of you need to learn some adult conflict resolution skills.
You weren't there and your advice is useless and a waste of space. Thanks anyway.
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband abusive?

Yes it's abuse and it will get worse, not better. Firm boundaries need to be put in place and definitely see about counseling or coaching, and perhaps an anger management program for him.
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Old 10-26-2011, 12:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
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You weren't there and your advice is useless and a waste of space. Thanks anyway.
Actually, if I'm recalling correctly, unbelievable is a cop, so I'm thinking his advice is spot on.

From the other side of the fence, having worked at a domestic violence agency for several years, I can tell you from experience: both people have marks--they both go to jail; both bust up (or try) each others stuff--they both go in. Police are in the business of stopping and preventing crime, not determining who's right and wrong and meting out justice for it all.

And legally, you knocking his guitar around isn't any different than him busting up the walls--it's considered an implicit threat when a domestic is already in progress. I'm guessing that the cycle of abuse has been going on between you two for so long that you're both exhibiting the cycle. It's a pretty common response to abuse. That just makes it more critical for you to take action to make changes in your life.
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Old 10-26-2011, 08:46 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Actually, if I'm recalling correctly, unbelievable is a cop, so I'm thinking his advice is spot on.

From the other side of the fence, having worked at a domestic violence agency for several years, I can tell you from experience: both people have marks--they both go to jail; both bust up (or try) each others stuff--they both go in. Police are in the business of stopping and preventing crime, not determining who's right and wrong and meting out justice for it all.

And legally, you knocking his guitar around isn't any different than him busting up the walls--it's considered an implicit threat when a domestic is already in progress. I'm guessing that the cycle of abuse has been going on between you two for so long that you're both exhibiting the cycle. It's a pretty common response to abuse. That just makes it more critical for you to take action to make changes in your life.
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Well, maybe "unbelievable" is a cop but regardless, his post is basically useless to me. It doesn't help my situation, he is simply preaching to me after the fact, speculating what COULD have happened. I am trying to figure out if this is really abuse and I could tell a lot more (for example, that my husband is an alcholic and addicted to perscription meds) but I left A LOT of stuff out b/c I just want to know if it's still considered abuse in this situation. I don't need to be preached to, I just wanted to make sure I told exactly what happened that day. If I could go to jail too, fine. But that's not my question.
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Old 10-26-2011, 09:39 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband abusive?

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Well, maybe "unbelievable" is a cop but regardless, his post is basically useless to me.
Sorry that you had to be subjected to this type of behavior. It is abuse, plain and simple. Regardless, even at the beginning, it is hard to understand why he wouldn't take your concerns for privacy more serious.

Keep in mind, however, that most people who ask questions on this site have a reason for doing so. You omitted this part, and maybe you don't want people to know your reason. Of course, if you plainly declare this, you'll probably get no replies, but in leaving it out, people make assumptions in order to try to frame an appropriate response. It could be argued that most people would ask such a question because (1) they may wish to press charges, or (2) they wish to try to get help for the spouse, or (3) they are trying to rationalize getting out of the marriage.

If reasons 1 and 2 apply, the posters were trying to warn you that you may not come out of this process without your own actions being questioned. If number 3 applies, it just could be helpful to know that men may be put off by retaliation tactics like this. Seems pretty unhealthy to assume that he intentionally damaged your screen, yet giving yourself the benefit of prescience in saying that you knew the guitar would suffer no harm when you innocently knocked it off the stand. I've seen quite a few expensive guitars with broken tuning keys in such falls. That in no way justifies abuse, but it could still trigger resentment from most men.
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Old 10-26-2011, 03:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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My wife used to try to provoke me or verbally goad me into being physically abusive. Pushing, shoving, she even broke down the bathroom door on Easter morning. I think she wanted to be able to label me as an abuser, for whatever her reason was. Probably just to be even more hurtful, rally people against me, ostracize me and otherwise punish me, threaten me, have unchallenged power over me. It never worked though. Physical abuse is such a hot button topic that one is clearly able to line up a bunch of people against this guy and get him labeled as defective or throw away or unrepairable and have their way with him. It's up to you where to go from here

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Old 10-26-2011, 04:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Unbelievable has been a criminal investigator for about 30 years. He dispenses advise freely but alas, most seeds fall on barren soil.
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Old 10-26-2011, 04:45 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is my husband abusive?

OP what makes you think it's not abuse?
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Old 10-26-2011, 08:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Unbelievable has been a criminal investigator for about 30 years. He dispenses advise freely but alas, most seeds fall on barren soil.
Well perhaps if "unbelievable" was a GOOD criminal investigator, he would know that one of the most blatant signs of serious delusional thinking is when a person refers to him or herself in the third person. Just sayin.
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