KT403

My wife and I dated for just over 2 years before we were married. She wanted a ring on her finger by age 30. Compared to other women I dated prior, she seemed to have her head screwed on correctly and there was physical attraction. I never held back on personality or long term goal plans, she knew what to expect after the marriage. Prior to the marriage, in hindsight, I was not hooked on her, meaning if she said, she was moving back to her home state, I would have said ok. Most of my relationships were always short lived for various reasons and I was always the one dumped. So, I have learned to become numb and not base my entire happiness on a relationship.

After our marriage, my wife's true colors started to show. First, most of the honeymoon, she had a cold and was only interested in doing the things she wanted to do. She spent most of her time reading a book in the hotel room, unlike before the marriage. This has been the story since, for the last ten years. We have no life together, other than family holidays and our son's activities. My job keeps me on the road half the month, when I come home, I might as well greet the wall. She has an excuse not to join me for anything or when she does she will complain or ruin any ounce of fun. Conversations are limited, before she finds something I said wrong. My opinions are discounted on how to handle certain things despite I may be right and I usually get stuck fixing the problem of her wrong decisions. She is more attached to her formal life or other friends (mainly female) that live in her home state. When I am home, it is usually my son and I or her and my son. I get blamed for things that go wrong despite it was not me that ruined the situation, she uses sex as control (obviously there is no sex life unless she wants something) and refuses to have adult conversations about issues that need to be fixed. She has a few male friends and I have a few female friends. However, here are no active or prior affairs going on to my knowledge. If I comply with her complaints about me I am doomed and if I don't I am doomed. She goes to bed early, if I come to bed she claims I wake her up (light sleeper) if I do not come to bed she complains that I don't.

We have one child, age 9, she has been telling him things to get him on her side. Throughout the entire 11 years of marriage, if we argue she calls my mother and talks to her. We can't fix a problem when she refuses to have an adult conversation about anything that she may have to change. I get the "talk to the hand" attitude from her. I have never hit her or had a physical affair. I have raised my voice, when she seems to be shutting me out while I am trying to discuss an important issue. The victim here will be our son....however she has him saying we should get a divorce in recent months. For someone claiming not to believe in divorce, she know the divorce laws since we have been married despite she from out-of-state and did not plan on staying.

I have always done more than my fair share of work around the house, plus she gets help from each set of parents (mainly my mother) when I am away. We each have careers with modest incomes, we have separate bank accounts, but I pay certain bills and she pays certain things. I usually handle the the process of everything, while she gets to pick out the color or style. I have come to the conclusion, I am just a tool to her handling the situations she does not want to deal with, I do not feel she wants me around since she makes no effort to be with me and I get excuses from her if I make the effort. I have have given up on her and we live like roommates mainly...

somuchinlove

Try talking to her one more time. Let her know exactly how you feel about your marriage. If she still doesn't take you seriously, file for a divorce. It's not fair to you to be stuck in an unhappy marriage. It's also not fair to your son to see Dad and Mom not getting along. You sound like a decent man, and it sounds like she is taking advantage of you. If you think that she can change then fight for your marriage. If she is resistant to all of your attempts then you have to let her go.

grenville

Well, you always need to hear both sides in any relationship story but this sounds like a total nightmare for you. I'm a man, not a woman, but it really sounds like you need to confront her with some of this stuff (and maybe get your mother on board first if you can).

The only reason you're staying at this point is for your son I take it?

KT403

somuchinlove and grenville...thank you for your replies.

I have been clear where I stand with her. She made short-lived adjustments in the past lasting until she thinks she is secure again then the same old. She repeats the same actions which lead to our arguments. A few months ago, I stopped wearing my ring and told her there must be unity to have a marriage. This started about 3-4 years ago, when it became more apparent. I have hung in there for my son, my career keeps me on the road half the month. She knows divorce is on the horizon but does not seem disappointed about losing it. Is she the type of woman that needs a divorce for a life lesson? I think her parents were in a similar situation, her dad backed down. Supposedly nobody can say no to her 'MOM', I am not exactly like her dad if it is necessary I speak up when needed.

somuchinlove

Sounds like she might be the type that needs divorce for a lesson. Especially if she watched her parents go through the same thing. She obviously thinks that she is superior when it comes to your marriage, and whatever she says goes. I think you should put your foot down and show her that you also have some authority in the relationship. You might not be able to control her, but you can control yourself. And she is using her actions and behaviors to keep you under control...that's not fair at all.

KT403

somuchinlove... thank you, perfect analogy. I have been wondering if I was just imagining it. I think she has her own score board on who is winning the game. The few things that I have a strong opinion on or experience with a certain issue, I usually do put my foot down. That is about the time she shuts me out and it gets to me, usually I just raise my voice as she is walking away not listening. We pretty much live separate lives under the same roof and deal with the issues only as needed.