I met my husband online 8 or 9 years ago. He decided to come meet me 7 years ago. We both lived on opposite sides of the country. I looked for a place to live and he moved in with me and my son from a previous relationship who at the time was 2. He was 18, I was 23. He did the best he could do for us. He went against his family wishes and came to be with me.
Shortly after he moved in we got pregnant. Through the course of getting to know him better I realized I didn't feel for him the same way that he said he felt for me. I wanted to, I just didn't. He was overly needy. He needed a lot more attention than I was wanting to give him, even over the smallest things. He was very dramatic. I was really kind of turned off by it. He's handsome but I wasn't attracted to him.
When his first child arrived (my second) the baby passed away shortly after he was born. There was a lot of stress and we were fighting all of the time. He eventually lost his job which just strained our relationship even more. He wasn't finding another one and he was on the phone with his family on the west coast talking to them all the time telling them lies about me and setting himself up to be welcomed back home.
I knew at this point that I did not love him. I also recognized that he would be a good father and provider and that if I didn't fight for him and try my hardest I'd be letting the best thing that ever happened to me walk out the door. I very much wanted to love him and was just confused altogether about what love was and what I should and shouldn't be feeling.
I fought for him. His initial plan was to leave me and go back home. I went from friend to family member begging everyone for advice. I knew that if I wanted to stay with him I'd have to give up everything and move to the west coast with him. It would be a chance to start over fresh. With out the stress of family and the painful "I'm sorry for your loss." Being that I had a son already I had to have a bit of security so I told him as long as he secures a job and a place for us to live I will quit my job and move to be with him on the west coast. In about 3 weeks this all went through. When he found his job and a place for us to live I gave away everything I owned and shipped what I could and purchased plane tickets and with the support of my father, brother, and friends moved to be with him.
Shortly after living here we had quite a few problems and we got pregnant again. I was really stressed out about it because I was afraid I was going to lose this baby too. Still wasn't loving him though. I was reluctant to have sex with him because it just didn't do anything for me and because I didn't love him. When kissing him I'd pull away. When ever we had fights and he get mad he'd say things intentionally to hurt me. He is malicious and vindictive when he is mad. He denies me sleep. If I fall asleep he pushes me or yells and refuses to let me sleep. Many fights we had and many mornings he wouldn't let me go to sleep until I was weeping and it was 5 am. There are many things that happened like this that was keeping me from loving him as well.
I have been on the west coast here now for 5 years. Three years ago we got married. We have 3 kids (2 of them are his, 1 from previous relationship). After 7 years and knowing that I do not love him and the struggles we have been having we've been talking. I have told him he's more of a friend to me than anything at this point. He is extremely selfish and self centered from what we watch on tv, to taking the kids out to play to not allowing me to doze off on the couch even when there's something boring on tv and I need a little rest because he says he's jealous of my time and loves me very much and wants me to be awake with him and always giving him attention.
I care about him. I like him as a person. I don't like how he treats people. I don't like that he won't help me with anything around the house. I don't like that I am responsible for everything in the house including mowing the lawn and keeping the car kept up. I am a stay at home mom. I do not shop for anything, anytime. I rarely even buy groceries. He stresses about money all the time. I get told no about anything I want to buy in the store. He puts his hand on my back and "jokingly" pushes me along when I see something that I like in the store and would like to have. He says he loves me.
After our recent conversations he has cried and says he doesn't feel the same way that he used to about me and it breaks his heart but that he does still love me. As time goes on I begin to like him less and less. I am now 31 he is now 25. My kids are 2, 3 and 9. I will say he has been an excellent provider and a good father, as good as he can be. I am not the best parent and I am not the best wife. I have no job, no money, no car.
Should I stay in this relationship for my children? Should I get out and find someone I love and can share my life with unconditionally? I feel I owe it to him as well so he can find someone who will love him. He deserves that. To throw another thing into the problem.... I have found someone whom I have fallen in love with recently. Butterflies and racing heart and pacing and constant smiling... all the things I have never felt before... I have now experienced and want more of. Should it matter that I met this person online? Most people will think so. I know it's possible to fall in love with someone using a computer. It's harder to make it work but it's definitely possible. Does that mean that we will get together? I don't know... maybe not. And that's not even what I am focused on at this point. I just know that there is something incredible that I have now felt that I have never in my life experienced before and like a drug I want it all the time. Should I stay and be thankful that I have someone now who is a good provider and cares about his children and me. Or should I take this one life I have and go find the happiness my heart desires most?
I'm not going to focus on the abuse by sleep deprivation for now, because, I was fascinated by something else:
Originally Posted by wheresthelove
I just know that there is something incredible that I have now felt that I have never in my life experienced before and like a drug I want it all the time. Should I stay and be thankful that I have someone now who is a good provider and cares about his children and me. Or should I take this one life I have and go find the happiness my heart desires most?
You need to meditate on these questions over and over until you get clarity.
One thing to bear in mind is that in all encounters, but especially via a computer, the whole thing is taking place in your own mind. Although the man on the other keyboard is providing unique input, the feelings triggered in you, are just that - your feelings created by you. What this shows is that you are capable of having very intense feelings. Believe it or not, you could have this with your husband. And I can prove it:
Imagine your husband tricked you - imagine it was him on that computer pretending to be someone else. (Now I know you're going to say, that your hubby's writing style is different from Mr. X, but just humour me for a moment). Imagine the elation you felt. Now imagine the comedown you would feel when you find out that it is really your husband.
You would go from high to low in 5 seconds.
This is our life. Most of it is going on in our heads. Master the head - master life.
You should move on. You can get a job and you can support your kids. He will still need to continue supporting his kids, so it won't be just you doing it. You'll feel good to not be pimping yourself out for a roof over your head. I'm married without love too, but money is not the issue for me. Money couldn't keep me in an unhappy situation. I know it's more complicated for you also, though.
From what you've written, there are many unlikable and even abusive things about your husband. I don't imagine anyone staying or falling in love with someone who's treating them like that (not letting you buy anything, not letting you sleep, not doing anything around the house). So, can you try counseling first so he can get a wake up call on the things he could be doing that MIGHT help you start liking him again. You can't love someone you don't even like. But if counseling is not in the cards, I say call a lawyer.
As for the new guy ... have you made the connection that you met your husband online also. That you "fell in love" with him through a computer and got involved too fast, married too fast, etc. Then you got to live with him and see who he really is.
The lesson? The way people are through a computer is not what they are in real life. And if you meet them in person for a few minutes here and there, they can maintain the facade of their online persona, but you won't really know them until you spend lots and lots of time with them. Especially given the fact that you have three children, I would NOT get involved with another man until you are fully divorced and 100% independent financially. Then you won't be tempted to end up with another a-hole just so you could have someone to pay your bills. You also can't afford to bring a man into your children's life that could harm them physically or emotionally. Or that will abandon them once things don't work out between you.
My "rule of thumb" when it comes to little kids is that you can date, but THEY should be your main focus. And that you should date someone for at least a year (and not having them around the kids during that time) before you even introduce them to the kids. I'm serious. Dating and early relationships are very unstable and kids coming out of a divorce don't need the additional stress and potential loss.
So, forget about this online guy. Get the divorce. Get a job. Get a car. Strengthen your self-esteem and your faith that you CAN take care of you!
There is no point in staying in a relationship with someone that you don't even like all that much. If you feel that way now...how will you feel in 5 years from now? Do you thnk it will change? I don't!
If you stay with this man who does not sound like too much of a good anything(husband or father) you will regret it later in life.
If you get counceling and he can change..great...but how long will it be before he is back to his old ways?
Please allow me to explain this a little further I guess. I am a gamer. I have been a gamer since I was 15 years old. That has stuck with me and that is what I do. Aside from being a stay at home mom and taking care of my kids that is what I do to pass the hours away. I moved from one coast to the other. I have no real life social life, or friends. I don't know any adults my age and am not close with anyone. My husband is also a gamer. He plays games on his computer as well. The person I refer to when I say that I have fallen for someone on the computer is a gamer as well. What this means is that I do not know this person on just a text based level. I know this persons voice. I know this persons heart and I know the way this person thinks when we play together. I have seen pictures and the like. It isn't just merely something in my head. I have also confessed the feelings I have for this person to this person. I did this because I don't want to live a life of regrets. Right now there's no harm done. I have these feelings and there's nothing I can do about them. Whether I say anything or not they are still going to be there. I decided I didn't want to regret him not knowing how I feel and be hiding it. Funny thing is he already knew by the way I talked to him. It's like being on the phone with him all the time except it's free and I'm with him and all of my other friends online because I have none in real life.
I just recently got into it with my husband again. Last night we stayed up til 2 am playing our games... then when we went to bed he wanted to be intimate with me. I must say I get no results out of being intimate with him at all. He makes me feel nothing. I don't even get a little bit excited about intimacy. That being said when he tried to do things for me and tried to be intimate with me I just wasn't into it. He handed me the remote and wanted me to find something for him to watch on tv. When this happens that means he wants me to find him some nudity/porn. He knows it would not be well received with me if he just puts it on. So he hands the remote to me and expects me to find it for him. I knew that is what he wanted.. and I wasn't going to have it.... instead I put it on some award show. He got very aggravated about this.
My hands are really dry and cracked due to the weather and I had just put some lotion on them and covered them so they could heal over night and he expects that I want to be with him and get into it. He wanted me to be kinky with him basically. I have a hard time being anything at all with him because I do not love him. I do not want to be intimate with him. I only do it because it is my wifely duty. I am to honor my husband and I try to do this to the best of my ability but there are things that I can not bring myself to do simply because I need the love to be there and it's just not. That night after I put it on the award show and started to doze off he got really mad at me again and started waking me up. Every time I dozed off he'd wake me up because he was sexually frustrated. I am so sick of him doing this to me. I made a point of telling him to leave me a lone and stop waking me up and he eventually stopped. In the morning when I woke up I was really bitter at him still for waking me up and trying to deny me sleep because he was mad at me. I said a few snappy things at him which started a whole day of arguing. I was honest with him and pointed out that he denies me sleep all the time and it has to stop. That I very much dislike how he treats people and that his own brother is beginning to resent him and dislike him because of how he treats him. I pointed out that they both are competing for the spot light and they don't care who they have to step on to get it.
After all I had to say to him I don't fully think he absorbed any of it. We ended up having to go grocery shopping which he doesn't want to do because he is lazy. In the store he did nothing but grope me. He constantly was talking dirty to me and constantly would fondle and grab me. I hate it. There is nothing tender and loving about anything he does. He says he just wants to slam me or what ever. I am so turned off by this I don't know how to explain it. Is there something wrong with me?? Shouldn't I be happy that I have a husband who wants to show me affection? Shouldn't I like the fact that he wants to touch me and is turned on by me? Shouldn't I want to have sex with him all the time? I don't though. AT all. I am so confused.
Again I am a stay at home mom. I have 3 kids. I have no money and no family or friends here on the west coast and at his point no way to support them. I have thought about trying to get a 2nd shift job and going back to work so I can save some money and figure out what to do but at this point I don't know that I want to stay in this for the rest of my life. I don't know what to do and I would like some more advice please if you have any more to give me. Thank you for your current suggestions and advice I really appreciate it. It has helped a lot with my thinking.
Is there something wrong with me?? Shouldn't I be happy that I have a husband who wants to show me affection? Shouldn't I like the fact that he wants to touch me and is turned on by me? Shouldn't I want to have sex with him all the time? I don't though. AT all. I am so confused.
Given his treatment of you, it's not surprising you don't want sex. However, could this be a case of chicken and egg? What I mean is, did he start the sleep deprivation thing because you constantly denied him sex, or do you deny him sex because of his treatment of you?
The sleep deprivation has always been there. It started out simply that he did not want to be alone and was jealous of my time and didn't want me sleeping while he was awake. Just recently I talked with him about this because I was tired the on Christmas day and we were expecting his family over and I asked if I could take a quick nap on the couch. I had been doing a lot of things. I was up til 2 am wrapping presents. He didn't want me to go to sleep. And in turn he laid down and tried to go to sleep. He said it was because he doesn't want to be awake while I'm sleeping and that if we both can't sleep than neither one of us should be able to. It's totally messed up thinking in my opinion. Anytime he needs sleep or falls asleep I let him with out interruption. Right now our sex life is very strained. I don't want to have sex with him at all. We have sex about 3 times a week maybe. If I can avoid him and go to bed after he has fallen asleep I will. He does nothing for me sexually. I am expected to have sex with it and want to have sex with him. He wants oral sex from me and I can't give it to him because I just don't like him. It is mainly because of this, him wanting what I am unwilling to give him that he keeps me up til 5 am and won't allow me to sleep. I have many legitimate reasons why I do not like giving him oral sex.
Right now he is mad at me because he wanted me last night and I avoided him. He wants me to want him but I don't. I will give it to him with no questions asked and no complaints but that's not good enough and you know it shouldn't be. He should have a loving wife but he doesn't. I should go to him with a loving heart wanting to do this stuff for him but I don't. He is so mad and frustrated at everyone right now that he is yelling at everyone. He is sexually frustrated. I told him when we put our babies down for a nap I will make him feel better and take care of it. He told me he doesn't want to based on principal. Because I didn't come to bed last night. When I did come to bed he grabbed me here and there and fell back to sleep. He is mad at me because he was too sleepy to do anything at that point. The night before I had offered myself to him and he didn't take it and got mad at me. He's mad because things aren't going exactly as he has planned in his head. He wants me to be this fantasy porn star in his bedroom. One of which I admit might be fun to do .. but I just can't.... He barely touches me/rubs me for foreplay and I do the same for him. That's it. Then we have some extremely dry and in his mind boring sex. But in the end he gets the same result. He has his orgasm and he's good. I rarely ever have one.. and there is nothing he can do to bring me to one. I normally have to get myself there. Lately that has been impossible.
Please allow me to update before answering the question.
This afternoon after I put my babies down for a nap we had our little one on one time. During this time I realized what is really bothering me about sex and why it does nothing for me. First off as I've stated before I'm not that attracted to him/no love. Secondly he can only handle thrusting 3-4 times then having to stop because he's on the brink of losing it. This afternoon I just laid there, unable to move. I laid there completely still and he still lost it. I wouldn't say he's a minute man necessarily but he can not handle moving and keeping a good rythm/pace with out having to stop entirely so I can bring myself to the point on my own and he finishes it off. Sex is not that important to me especially because of these circumstances. We make it work somehow. I just don't know that it can work with out the love.
This afternoon his brother called him out on the fact that he refuses to go anywhere on the weekend and take the family with him. He basically won't do it because it's too much work getting everyone ready and it makes his weekend feel short so we never leave the house. His brother said he is responsible for leading our family and by doing what he is doing he is being selfish and hurting us. I was kind of surprised that he said that to him.
To answer your questions: Yes I want a better marriage. I would preferably like to have a better marriage with the man I married however I do not like this man. I don't think he's going to change all that much. I would like to possibly move on. However I do NOT want to hurt my children, or separate them or be an absentee parent myself. Of course I long to have the other guy. However I don't know how the other guy feels entirely. So my main focus isn't hoping from one relationship to the next, that will fall in place on it's own, but rather my focus is on securing a life for myself and my children.
My New Years resolution is to work on making my life better. To do this I must acquire a second shift job as my husband works first shift. I must earn some money so I can save money and figure out how to possibly move on. I know that he will fight for his children for visitation and the whole 9 yards and the whole thing is gonna be a train wreck. I need to establish security before I can do anything.
I don't have much time right now, and I want to go into the sleep deprivation thing more. However, I have written a lot about premature ejaculation. This is very easy to treat, especially in older men. Please see my forum:
I read everything in both of the links. It's very intriguing. It is nice to know that there is a solution to this problem. I must confess however that this problem may even be entirely my own fault. The relationship I had before my husband the man was in love with his own hands. He enjoyed his self gratification far more than he enjoyed intercourse with me. It hurt. I had a huge problem with this. When I got together with my husband and saw that he had no self control in this department and had told him what my prior relationship had been like.... well I gave him hell about it. I thought it was crap to come home and find his pants around his ankles because he had no self control and couldn't wait for me and share the experience together. I don't understand why it's okay for a man to walk around with his penis in his hands all the time messing with himself. That's my own personal opinion. I just don't understand it. I don't think it's okay for a woman either. I went through this with him and after many fights and a couple of years he finally got to the point where he respected how I felt about it and would save himself for when we were together. We had a lot of honesty and trust issues because he would lie to me a lot and about doing that stuff. The reason he ejaculates permaturely is probably due to this. I've gotten to a point now where I don't care if he chooses to do that or not. He says he doesn't though.
P.E in men is caused mostly by an inability to relax. Whereas tension causes women to take ages, it causes men to "erupt" unexpectedly. Also, there is often a mindset of being in a rush. If you were to lovingly help him, the pair of you could tackle it in a few weeks.
Maybe you don't want to give him that much love right now. But guess who would be the chief beneficiary?
Even on his own, he could get somwhere with the exercises, but it would mean masturbating. However, it could still be a shared experience.
There is a lot you two could do to improve the relationship. You could have him eating out of the palm of your hand. Do you want some suggestions?
The P.E. has always been there. I just wondered if I was to blame for it staying there as he discontinued masturbating because I didn't like it. I mean he knows how to slow himself down and make himself last a while. It can go as long as 15 minutes or more sometimes with frequent breaks and him having to pull out. What I was saying is that he can not keep up any rhythm or pace with out constantly having to do this. Which never brings me to my peak. In which case I end up having to rub myself while he is taking his break to get me as close as I can or even all the way sometimes so he can go do his 3 or 4 more thrusts and be done. He says it feels really good and he has all he can do to stop himself. If I twitch just a tiny bit he'll lose it.
However this is not my problem. As I have said we have figured out a way around this. I was just commenting that I have figured out one of the many reasons why I do not like having sex with him. One reason is I get punished if I don't. Not all the time but sometimes, by this I mean sleep deprivation. Another reason is the P.E. and inability to bring me to my peak, however I don't really care about this. The main reason is that I just don't love him. Which is the whole reason for this post. If it was just the sex I'd be searching for help to spice it up and fix it. It's my inability to go to him with a loving heart and give him what ever he desires unconditionally. He says he would do anything for me, no matter what it is. I have my reservations and can not stop myself from giving him a quick peck on the lips and then recoiling. I don't understand why it's like this.
I came into this relationship meaning well and wanting to be in love with him. I am just not. I figured given time I could fall in love with him... but I haven't. I care about him. I even like him as a friend. Right now he is my only friend. In the bedroom it is I who am lacking more than he. I refuse to do things he asks me to do. I am very uncomfortable with most of it including things he wants to do for me out of love. I will not allow him to do them. Makes me extremely uncomfortable and it also begs for reciprocation which I feel like I'm being pressured into.
I've pretty well made a mess of things and am just not sure what I should do with my life at this point. I don't know if I should continue to endure giving up dry uncomfortable sex that I am not wanting to have, even when it's clearly stated that I wish not to have it, if I should continue to reply in kind "I love you" when he tells me he loves me, if I should count my blessings and thank the Lord that I have a man who is attracted to me and is trying to do the best he can for us.... If I should be selfish and ungrateful and try to move on? I don't know what to do. I don't know what I will end up doing. I am confused and to a certain degree scared as well. The idea of turning our lives upside down is highly unappealing to me. My question still remains though. What should I do with this one life I have to live? Follow my heart? Seek my dreams? Or settle for the mess I have created. In the end I picked this life. I said "I do" even when I wasn't feeling it. It was my mistake. Live with it, or don't?
You've got to understand that when two people treat each other as roughly as you two have, it can make one or both of you feel less love than when you started. If he had remorse for the sleep deprivation, and totally stopped doing it, you might be able to forgive him. But right now, I wonder if you realize just how resentful you are - and rightly so. If your heart is full of resentment, any love you may have had will be crowded out. before you decide it is time to start marriage #3... how about looking at these obvious things. It would not take as long to put right as you think.
Once you have cleared out all the crap from your marriage, then you can decide more clearly if it's divorce or reconciliation.
Thank you for all of your advice MarkTwain I really appreciate it. It has given me a lot to think about.
I'd just like to clarify that this is my first and only marriage. Not that it matters but I just don't like the idea of sounding like I hop from one relationship to the next like that. I do have a child from a previous relationship when I was 21 years old and made yet another mistake as we sometimes do when we are young. We were not married however. Okay totally off topic though and I apologize.
I don't like being made a fool of. I don't like getting hurt due to my being gullible and naive. I worked really hard on figuring him out. In the beginning of our relationship he exploited these things about me. I didn't like it. I figured him out. I observed him and I found out how his mind works. I know what he is thinking before he thinks it. This was my defense mechanism. I can not read his mind, of course not, but typically by facial expressions and body movements I know what mood he is in and what kind of thoughts he is likely having and I can tell him what he is thinking before he says it and begrudgingly he admits that I am right. I had to stop him from making me feel like a fool. I now know when he is lying to me. He can't lie I will catch him every time. I also have this gut feeling when something is right or wrong. If I trust my instincts they are usually dead on right. If I give him the benefit of the doubt and ignore my instincts I end up getting hurt out of it and made the fool of. He considers this stuff as "joking around" and not a big deal. Now that I know what he is thinking and his general motive behind things I say no to a lot of little stupid things he wants me to do for his entertainment that makes me feel rediculous. I guess the reason I explained this is because he always has expectations from me. And really the main things he thinks about is himself and his penis. I could go into this more... but I backspaced it... it's like a whole other topic I guess.
I appreciate that you are suggesting that we can fix our relationship. It seems to me impossible to rekindle something that was never there to begin with. The love hasn't gone away and gotten crowded out with resentment. However I won't deny that resentment is there on both of our parts. I have LOTS of resentment for tons of different things honestly. His only resentment of me is that I will not give him oral sex and I don't like that he thinks he should be able to go out to bars drinking and leave me at home alone with the children all the time. Every fight we ever have... are based upon those two feelings for him right there.... the really big fights we have... where he denies me sleep til the wee hours of the morning is bubbling up to those two things right there. Sure I could fix this by giving him the blow jobs he desires most. Sure I could say go ahead go out with your friends I don't care. The reality of it though is that I won't give him oral sex because that's all he cares about, his penis and himself, and because I don't love him, and because his hygiene isn't even moderately good. Because he says he loves me but he wants me to do for him what he knows I wish not to do.
Just recently he has gone out with his brother and his brother's friend. I was furious. They were gone for 6 hours. When they came home my husband wasn't drunk. He had a couple of beers. He wanted to be though and couldn't because someone had to be responsible. The other two got so drunk he had to carry one around the streets and the other disappeared and took a cab home. His brother has a ton of health problems and shouldn't be drinking at all. Let alone drunk to the point of not being able to stand. My husband is the big brother and he allowed him to do this to himself instead of cutting him off. After this point though.... I've just decided that I don't care anymore. I've told him as much. I don't care if he goes out drinking.
I think it sucks that he leaves me at home to do the wifely thing and I never get to go out anywhere. That is not my life style though. I don't care about drinking. If he goes to the store and wants someone to go with him he always invites his brother, who lives with us, instead of me. I've talked with him about this. He'd rather hang out with his brother all the time but can't stand him in the same breath. I don't completely understand it. He puts his brother down all the time. When either one of them leave the house they have to have someone go with them. They don't like leaving and being by themselves. His brother lives with us because he doesn't like being by himself. If he comes home and we're not here he goes to his mom's house because he hates to be alone.
I dunno they're the same person I guess. I have been in this relationship for 7 years now. The majority of them I have felt this way. As time goes by the worse I feel about things. I've put up with it this long... What's a couple more decades?
What I'll say for my husband is that he has tried to change things for me. He resents me because he thinks I am unwilling to try to change things. I have tried changing things with the oral sex and giving it to him more and when I slowed down doing it all he could say is that I never did it for him. There is so much resentment built up around that, that I shake with rage while doing it and have all I can do to keep from biting it. This last time when he fought with me til 5:30 in the morning and kept denying me sleep was simply because he wanted one and I didn't want to give it to him. Because of this all these nasty little things come out. When he is mad at me he is cruel and wants to hurt me with words and denying me sleep. I got so damn fed up with him that I threw him on his back ripped his underwear off pinned him down and against his objections because he didn't want it like this... gave him what he wanted so he'd leave me the hell alone... and it wasn't nice or gentle at all. I seethed and spat at him that I hated him the whole time. I was crying.... and shaking with rage. In the end he reached his point. Then after the fact felt guilty about pushing me so far. Had the nerve to come out to the living room where I decided I was going to sleep so I could be away from him, to beg me to come lay next to him in bed. To hell with him. He got what he wanted and that's all he cares about. I am sorry.. I have a lot of resentment. Guess I'll stop here for now and await your reply.