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Wife still loves me but wants a divorce

19K views 31 replies 18 participants last post by  Jay83 
#1 ·
Hi everyone,

I have been with my wife for 5 years and married two. I am 31 and my wife is in her mid twenties.

Three days before our wedding two years ago she uninvited a female friend and her husband to our wedding because she was jealous and insecure of her. This woman was my friend, never anything more and I was also friends with her husband. Attempts were made to make my wife to feel more at ease about her but this was never successful, my wife would always find an problem. So we fell out about this because to be honest I was embarrassed, and now it looked like something on-towards had happened between me and this woman. That night unannounced whilst she was working her father turned up at our flat and started to dictate who I can and can't speak to, also if this woman turns up at the wedding then they will make her feel very uninvited. I swallowed it for my soon to be wife and I lost a lot of friends. so to me these boundaries in our relationship had been set.

We have always had a strong relationship up until earlier this year when I suspected her having an emotional affair with a customer at the bar she manages. Not only had i noticed this but other locals had too. She is a very outgoing and friendly, also attractive and in her mid twenties. The other man was late thirties but a big character and had a very charming a likeable persona.

I decided to confront my wife on the way she had been acting, I have never been the jealous or insecure type, in fact this is the first time in our relationship that I had decided to confront her about her actions in regards to flirting. All I asked was for her to think about the way she has been acting with this guy and to put her self in my position (shes quite an insecure woman and can get very jealous). The response was some thing I wasn't expecting, instead of being understanding she responded by saying that she feels "44 not 24" and that I am "jealous because she has friends and a social life and I don't".

So obviously there was fallout from that but we seemed to work through it. The next night we were at the bar and my mum and her other half joined us for a drink, her parents also turned up, her father greeted us all but her mum (who is by the way a nasty piece of work) blanked all three of us. I had kept my mouth shut for years for my wife's sake in regards to my mother i law but this just pushed me over the edge. I ended up arguing with my wife over this and called her mum a narcissistic *****. I know not the nicest of things to say but I was at my limit with the woman.

So things rumbled on for a while and my wife is like a closed book when trying to talk to her. The only responses you get are "okay" "I don't know" or her rolling her eyes at me. So when I found out she had been telling others including my sister that I A: don't let her talk B: Shout and scream at her. both of which are not true. As the weeks moved on I started to find out more details about her and this other guy. He worked down here from Monday to Friday and then would return home at weekends, so when he was down here he would stay in a hotel. She would get home later some nights from work and I wondered why, turns out she would close the bar and have a drink with this guy and the drop him back to his hotel in the early hours. She had also been privately messaging this guy too. I just had a gut feeling something wasn't right.

So the next time we spoke about what was going on I recorded our conversation to back myself up about how she can lie and twist things. At the end of the conversation I was shocked to see how much she actually lied. When I told her I wanted to work on this and make a go of our marriage her response was "I don't know if I want too" this is where I made my first mistake. Where she had told others that I am the one who lies and shouts frustration got the better of me and I sent it to a few people including her sister. Absolutely stupid move to make but in my head I was defending myself against being made to sound like a bullying husband. I had in previous arguments gave her ultimatums (this isn't the first time she's done something like this) like "if this happens again then the marriage is over".

The next mistake I made was the following week when I still suspected something wasn't right so I hacked her facebook account and found messages from this guy (nothing to incriminating but still flirtatious, also a facebook phone call at 1am) and others. One being another local who she had been speaking to about us. He was being another poison to our marriage messaging her saying "if you're being accused of having an affair then you might as well have one and I am willing to help" and also "are you sure he's not having an affair?". To her credit she didn't react to him. Now the way she found out that I had done this was to hack into my work emails. so in this case we were both as bad as each other.

Since then we have had so many fallouts, the difference is that I have always maintained that I wanted us to make a go of the marriage and she's not been too keen, saying she looks at me differently after I hacked her facebook and the recording of the conversation and sending it to family and friends. so now we are heading down the road of divorce even after I suggested counselling and she refused. The part that has bugged me is that all through this I have tried, all she has tried to do is turn everything back on me. In my opinion this is a sign of guilt.

She has even lied about where she has spent nights. I have honestly tried my very best to get this marriage up and going but it seems like her friends now become before me. She has now got the ball rolling on separation and is planning on buying me out of our house.

Sorry for the long rant but it's been a tough few months. I've not been perfect through this but I guess I will take this as a very harsh life lesson. She says she still loves me but there is no way back. Lost cause.


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#32 ·
Her family has a history of mental illness, both her mum and dad are both narcissistic and have very strange behaviour. She has shown a lot of this behaviour but I always brought out the best in her. I was her confidant and rock, I always stood by her side and held her hand through the tough times. It's like she's having a quarter life crisis. We all go through relationships where at points your feelings towards your other half maybe wain a bit but you know it's a dip and it will soon come back. We worked are arses off to get where we are. Are first property was a state, but we both grafted and made it into a nice home which we then sold for quite a profit and bought are house with a £50k deposit. That was what I thought the home where we would bring up are family in and now every night I sit in silence and look around thinking "this is all going to be gone soon". It's a very lonely feeling.

Don't get me wrong I am quite looking forward to the new chapter in my life but this has left a very sour taste in my mouth. The only time I needed her to stand by me she walks. And no... I am happy and lucky it's happened when I'm still young enough to turn my life around and that she has also showed her true colours.... but it still hurts that this has happened. And to be honest I feel sorry for her, because sunCmars you are right. She will realise what she has lost when it's too late and with someone who treats her like dirt.

I will move back in with my mum with a considerable sum of money and also able to save quite a bit of money and sort my life out in relative peace. whilst she will still have the same poisons alcoholics surrounding her making out that they have her best interests at heart when they are slowly dragging her down to their level.
 
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