Anyone in a sexless marriage?
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Old 10-29-2011, 07:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Anyone in a sexless marriage?

Interested to hear from anyone in a long term sexless marriage.

Am I alone?
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Old 10-29-2011, 08:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

No you are not alone. I'm also in one.But it's only been the past couple of months since I've been getting bigger( I'm 22 weeks pregnant) It should look up for you she might just have some things going on that are making her stressed.If you have a problem with her about it talk to her she might open up to where this won't be an issue anymore. I hope this helps
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Old 10-29-2011, 09:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

Oh, yes. I have not had sex in 10 years, 3 months, and 12 days (if counting is important to you.) And yes, I have been married all that time AND faithful. Have been married for 25 years, but by the time we stopped having sex altogether, we were down to once a year. Six months after the last time, wife informed me that she "didn't think she'd ever felt attracted" to me. This after nearly 16 years of marriage and 3 kids. I have stayed due to financial considerations and also because I really enjoy living with my kids, though that reason is less compelling because only one is still in high school. I've been going to counseling by myself for years; she refused to go because "it wouldn't do any good."

Someday, I WILL be out of here. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat.
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Old 10-30-2011, 10:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

Yep, going on five months.. all my fault, apparently. The thing men dont understand is if you cant stimulate a woman up there, you cant stimulate her down there. If a woman cant talk to her husband and they cant be best friends, then wheres the bond between them? Why would a woman want to make love to a man she cant talk to. Thats where Im at and its oh so sad. Unfortunately, it takes two minutes for a man to be happy and satisfied, but it takes effort and quality time to satisfy a woman emotionaly. If you want to know what I think - and no offence - life would be easier if people were in same sex relationships. my God.. can you imagine how uncomplicated things would be?
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Old 10-31-2011, 06:38 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

Jez - It take 2 minutes for your man to be satisfied. Believe me some of us like to play all day.

We all have such different wants and needs and when you are incompatible with you spouse and the divide is great it is seemingly impossible to have a satisfying relationship.

My wife has always been somewhat conservative and had almost no desire while I am open to exploring my sexuality and have an incredibly strong sex drive.
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Old 10-31-2011, 06:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jezebelle View Post
Yep, going on five months.. all my fault, apparently. The thing men dont understand is if you cant stimulate a woman up there, you cant stimulate her down there. If a woman cant talk to her husband and they cant be best friends, then wheres the bond between them? Why would a woman want to make love to a man she cant talk to. Thats where Im at and its oh so sad. Unfortunately, it takes two minutes for a man to be happy and satisfied, but it takes effort and quality time to satisfy a woman emotionaly. If you want to know what I think - and no offence - life would be easier if people were in same sex relationships. my God.. can you imagine how uncomplicated things would be?
Same sex relationships less complicated? I suppose you haven't had one, or been close to one, then. I have an aunt who was married and had 4 kids, but who is a lesbian, and always was one. She and her husband divorced, and for the past 25 years she has been living with various women, sometimes 2 at a time... not that uncommon with lesbians. Believe me when I tell you it is neither uncomplicated nor simple. Perpetually fraught is the manner in which I would describe it.
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Old 10-31-2011, 06:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

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Originally Posted by mr_confused View Post
Jez - It take 2 minutes for your man to be satisfied. Believe me some of us like to play all day.

We all have such different wants and needs and when you are incompatible with you spouse and the divide is great it is seemingly impossible to have a satisfying relationship.

My wife has always been somewhat conservative and had almost no desire while I am open to exploring my sexuality and have an incredibly strong sex drive.
Yeah... been there. I am exactly the same as you. Very highly sexed. I have had 3 girls in my life who matched me that way (one was even more driven than I! which was a problem in itself, in the end). But my wife? Almost nada. She did try hard for the first 2 years, and then, well, the strategy was to demonise my sexuality. I was faithful, but, in the end, she was not. Ironic, really. Destroyed our relationship, and I had been willing to sacrifice for her, as had been for 5 years (some years we had sex once every couple of months only, and I had to beg for that, which was utterly demoralising and humiliating). I am now in my forties, and my sex life is very fulfilling. My current girl is much younger than I am, and is totally open sexually, and as driven as I am (oddly, despite her strict Catholicism- I am agnostic, at best). I am now wholly satisfied with my sex life, but miss the partnership and comfort of a home life with a committed other. It is hard to find that kind of compatibility. I have no kids, so it is easier from that point of view, and was when we divorced, but I am also rather sad not to be a father. I would never father children outside a stable relationship, and should I ever be lucky enough to become a father will sacrifice EVERYTHING for my kids, at least until they leave home. Do you have kids? If so, well, I know what I would do. I am with 40something on that one! Stay until they no longer need a faithful "home father", then get out. The world is full of beautiful, interesting people. And the world is full of very sexual women. If you need one of those, you do. Being sexually mismatched is not your fault, and do not allow yourself to feel guilty about your desires and drives- it is how you are made (provided of course that they are consensual and fair!). I truly understand how damaging and painful it can be to be the highly sexed partner in such a situation. I feel for you.
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Old 11-13-2011, 02:34 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

I've been married for 10 years and have not had sex in the last 7years. Husband is always tired, from work. Then I found out he has been sleeping around with various women even before we got married. I guess it's more common for women to not want to have sex. But if the man is the one who turns down sex, something is wrong somewhere.
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Old 11-13-2011, 08:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

kusala-you really struck a chord when you said if a man is not interested in sex, something is wrong.. i have been feeling that way but my friends insist no way my husband would cheat. the problem with us is that he is interested in sex after i initiate it, but getting tired of that as well. he too is also "tired" all the time. i guess i really need to start listening to my instincts and not what to others think about my husband. sorry for what you are going through as well
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Old 11-13-2011, 03:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

If through some freak accident my wife suddenly had any interest in sex and expressed that, I'm just too angry over being shut down for so long that I wouldn't be interested. I would want her to suffer for 20 years. I'm not shy about admitting that. You don't get to be a stone cold beotch forever and then when it suits you it's make up time. Sorry, but you're said 'we're' done with sex forever. You were never interested, you never took a role in it and you're pretty terrible in the sack the few times in your life you've consented to to be 'serviced'. Now live with that.

OP maybe you need to explore with your husband if it's something along those lines. Some deep anger that's blocking him.
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Old 11-13-2011, 05:41 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

Well, glad I am not alone.

Here's one man's trail of tears for what it is worth.

I am coming up on year 5 without sex.....with my wife.

I entered an affair under the thought that if I had a physical relationship outside my marriage - I could remain married and maintain my full-time parental status. Well that failed terribly. I have developed feeling for my OW and my marriage remains a mess.

What lessons have I learned?
1. Sex is not the problem. It's intimacy. If you look deeper, certainly for me and others I have met, it's a connection with your spouse that is absent. You probably also don't kiss passionately, touch, cuddle, share your fears and ambitions, etc.. You/we are missing out on life's greatest pleasure from my standpoint, to love and be loved in a genuine, care, and giving manner. It is no way to live.
2. Fix it NOW or leave. Sexless marriage don't resolve themselves. They can continue indefinitely if you tolerate it. Usually the refusing spouse is content. Only you are suffering.
3. Love is out there are readily available. Granted my affair is a TERRIBLE choice and riddled with too many other issues to list, but it showed me one thing if nothing else - there are people everywhere that are kind, loving, considerate and sexually active.

There is no reason to live life this way.

I am working on putting my exit strategy into place. I can't do it any more. I am hopeful my relationship with my OW can evolve into a healthy normal relationship over time. It may not. All I know for certain is that I will find it....because it's not that rare. Living in a sexless marriage is rare.....and unnecessary.

And like one of the previous posters. I too have gone so long, I don't even want intimacy with my wife. I am bitter from the years of hurt and time has eroded all the feelings I once had for her. I care for her, wish her nothing but the best in life, but it won't be with me.
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Old 11-13-2011, 06:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mr_confused View Post
Well, glad I am not alone.

Here's one man's trail of tears for what it is worth.

I am coming up on year 5 without sex.....with my wife.

I entered an affair under the thought that if I had a physical relationship outside my marriage - I could remain married and maintain my full-time parental status. Well that failed terribly. I have developed feeling for my OW and my marriage remains a mess.

What lessons have I learned?
1. Sex is not the problem. It's intimacy. If you look deeper, certainly for me and others I have met, it's a connection with your spouse that is absent. You probably also don't kiss passionately, touch, cuddle, share your fears and ambitions, etc.. You/we are missing out on life's greatest pleasure from my standpoint, to love and be loved in a genuine, care, and giving manner. It is no way to live.
2. Fix it NOW or leave. Sexless marriage don't resolve themselves. They can continue indefinitely if you tolerate it. Usually the refusing spouse is content. Only you are suffering.
3. Love is out there are readily available. Granted my affair is a TERRIBLE choice and riddled with too many other issues to list, but it showed me one thing if nothing else - there are people everywhere that are kind, loving, considerate and sexually active.

There is no reason to live life this way.

I am working on putting my exit strategy into place. I can't do it any more. I am hopeful my relationship with my OW can evolve into a healthy normal relationship over time. It may not. All I know for certain is that I will find it....because it's not that rare. Living in a sexless marriage is rare.....and unnecessary.

And like one of the previous posters. I too have gone so long, I don't even want intimacy with my wife. I am bitter from the years of hurt and time has eroded all the feelings I once had for her. I care for her, wish her nothing but the best in life, but it won't be with me.
Unfortunately, I can echo almost identical sentiments, with the exception of developing feelings for my other woman. I wish it had never happened, but it was a way of learning that I had to get out of my marriage before someone got hurt.

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Old 11-13-2011, 09:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

I'm taking the fix it NOW approach at year 2... we were clinically sexless for that span NOT totally sexless. I figured two years times up... lets get it on.
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Anyone in a sexless marriage?

yup, same here...been 10 years plus....sex 4 times a year.
He just isn't interested.
I know he's not cheating, we had testosterone tested (all fine), I have no answers and he has none to give me, just says "I don't know why" now that he wants it because I want out of the marriage he wants to try but I don't want it and it's not natural for him.
Sorry don't want to hijack thread. But I feel for you and know you're not alone.
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:08 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Been in my relationship for 17yrs now and have 2 girls who are both in high school, we are finally getting married (only because it wasnít something that interested me, really itís a lot of money for bit of paper) and our relationship is not sexless yet, but I feel that itís heading that way and I feel that the sex I have to Ďworkí damn hard to get is all one sided. Donít get me wrong once we start he really enjoys it, but Iím getting tired of doing all the chasing and truthfully I donít know what itís like to be chased by a guy or really wanted by a man in that way and I think that for a man to really want a woman in that way only exists in the movies or romance books.

If I didnít initiate it ALL the time, I think he would be quite happy not getting it, because he is always tried from work, I get that I really do. Heíll laugh it off saying that my sex drive is always switched-on and that heíll satisfy me some other time and that he Ďlikes ití when I Ďgo withoutí for a few days or weeks because I practically attack him... This leaves me so angry and frustrated and my self-esteem is suffering and when he is in the mood, Iím not interested because Iím not in the mood to do all the work, and in turn it gets me thinking heís only doing it because I have mentioned this one-sided sex relationship the day before.
It leaves me to wonder if this is a game to him or is our relationship heading for a sexless one. Because Iíve tried it, as hard as it was, I left my sex-drive on the back burners and I went without for 2 months and I donít think he even realized it and it might have gone longer if I hadnít stepped in. I donít want to walk away from him because Iím still very much in love with him and there is no one I can talk to because our friends and family are under the impression that we have the perfect relationship. Iím at my wits-end and Iím so over initiating it all the time that itís affecting me and I feel inadequate as a woman and wife to be and that itís somehow my fault and I do feel guilty for being a bit pushy when it comes to wanting sex, but if I didnít I would never get it.
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