Relationship is Over But Won't Mess Up Our Kids - Heartbroken and Looking for Help
I have been with my husband for eight years and I think our relationship is nearly over. The thing is, we don't fight or argue. There is no abuse. We were once insanely in love. Now, we just don't talk about anything really other than the kids or what we are making for dinner. We have a ten year old with developmental delays (my son from a previous relationship) and severe behavioral problems and a toddler who is nearly a year and a half, and seems to be developmentally on track. Or oldest child causes a ton of stress, but we have dealt with it since the beginning of our relationship, which was very good for the first six years. Now, everything is crappy and I am simply no longer happy.
We have had rocky patches throughout our relationship, but there were always a lot more good than bad. My second pregnancy with my daughter was planned, but the pregnancy itself was rough. I was very sick and had blood pressure problems. This is when I started noticing a problem. My husband seemed more annoyed than comforting with my sickness. I could barely eat or get out of bed for the first five months and it was like he thought I was just being a baby. I am super active and love being outside, so this was a miserable period of my life. Then I had my daughter and we were both enamored with her. The first few weeks, my husband seemed happy and it felt like our relationship was on the rebound. I was wrong.
If has been 17 months since our daughter was born and I feel there absolutely nothing positive in my relationship with my husband. He used to give me massages and foot rubs at least a couple times a month. He hasn't given me a massage in over six months and it was probably another six months before that the last time he gave me one. What's even worse, is he doesn't even hold my hand or hug me. He might tight-lipped kiss me in the morning before he goes to work, but that is it for kissing. We used to have sex several times a day in the very beginning of our relationship, then it evened out to at least once or twice a week over time. Now, we have pretty much no sex. What annoys me is that we just took a family vacation and he was sure to bring condoms, and made a joking comment about how many we should bring for our five day trip. The idea of having sex while in a beautiful hotel on vacation sounded like a nice change until I realized he barely said a word to me the first two days of the trip and didn't touch me either. He just expected that I would be in the mood without having to pay any attention to me whatsoever.
I have zero sex drive now. None. I am healthy and physically fit. I am in great shape and work out four times a weeks. So, I went to the doctor about having no sex drive. She did blood work and took a questionnaire. She asked me lots of questions. The blood work came back normal. The doctor said I was in great shape and since I am only 30, there is no physical or hormonal reason for my lack of sex drive. She actually said "Maybe your husband just isn't doing the necessary things to turn you on". I think she is right.
My husband comes home late from work every day. He used to take me to lunch once a week. He hasn't asked me to lunch in six or seven months. When he comes home, he jumps on the computer and reads reddit for hours and will spend an additional several hours online gaming with his friends. He comes out to eat dinner, but doesn't want to sit at the table with the kids. Occasionally, he will come sit in the living room when I am out here, but he has his phone in his hand the whole time. When we take a trip anywhere, long or short, I usually drive while he looks at his phone silently the entire time. We have access to babysitters at no cost (grandparents), but we don't go on dates. While I work VERY hard and staying healthy and attractive, he has totally let himself go. He claims that he no longer drinks soda and watches what he eats, but I just cleaned his car and found tons of fast food receipts containing Large Cokes, shakes and four burritos from the fast food joint. He has developed a prominent "beer-gut" and double chin. Physicality isn't the only thing that matters, but I hate that he lies to me about food and seems to not care if I am attracted to him. I have stayed quite attractive over the years, but he has gone downhill.
Another thing about the sex situation. After saying nothing more than a few sentences to me over three days, he will come open the shower curtain and grope me while I am showering. It pisses me off. We used to do flirtatious things like that all the time and it was silly and sometimes sexy. Now, I literally have to bite my tongue because my instinct is to yell "Get the f*** away from me". I am incredibly offended that he doesn't care to spend any time with me during the day, but wants to ogle my naked body, expecting me to invite him in the shower. It's like "You haven't talked to me all day. It is 11pm. You have been online gaming with your buddies for the last three hours. I have cared for the house and children all day with no help and no appreciation. We haven't kissed or hugged in two days, but sure! I would just LOVE to have five minutes of sex and am perfectly fine with the fact that you will go right back on the computer to game for the next two hours without saying another word to me".
I miss our relationship. We were so happy and such good friends for a long time. I miss the conversations, the dates, watching movies, cuddling, playing board games, going on walks and just enjoying each other. I have always thought that people staying together for the kids was a cop out, but I can't imagine screwing up my kids’ lives. I couldn't live with that. At the same time, I am in an emotionally and physically starved marriage where we both seem miserable. I don't want any other man, but I also don't want my husband the way things are. My life is void of adult conversation and a deep connection to my partner. I don't know what to do...
Can anyone give some insight, or maybe share your similar situation? What would/did you do? Again, I won't divorce and screw up my kids because they love their parents equally and are very happy children. What did/would you do in a situation where the relationship is over, but you won't leave because of the kids?