Been married to my wife for almost 6 years, we have a 4 year old son, we have had ups and downs as every couple does. My wife has stated on multiple occasions that if i don't want another child that she will leave me. I've thought long and hard about having another child, call me selfish or whatever but I don't want another. I love my son so much but I don't want another baby taking away my attention for him, as well we could not afford a second at this time.
This ultimatum of hers is weighing heavy on me, i've been dreaming the past several nights of leaving or divorce in one way or another and these dreams are always me and her. I feel like my heart and my subconscience is telling me what i need to do. I'm not even 30 yet, i am not one to just quit on anything but I don't want to throw my life away dedicated to her if she is going to hold this against me forever.
The subconscious is programming. This programming did not give you the will and knowledge necessary to overcome this hurdle. You are left with emotional impulses - impulses that guide you one way or another. From my perspective, what feels right is pretty often wrong.
has anyone ever been in a simliar situation? what happened? Will a split hurt my son's growth and well being (this is my BIGGEST fear, i don't want to harm his outlook on life).
I think you should analyze this scenario. Remove the feeling from it from a moment. What are the facts? Consider what her ultimatum means for her and your child. What does the ultimatum mean if it is taken literally?
Individuals give ultimatums and they don't expect or want the person on the receiving end to say "okay." It is almost always a negotiating tool. Analogously, it is the buyer bidding lower than they really are willing to spend and the seller listing the item at a higher price than they will take.
Your wife wants another child and this ultimatum is just a tool to get that end. The advice I offer is to take the ultimatum seriously and not seriously at the same time. You need to just let her talk. Your job is to only listen and encourage her to speak. What she says is not to be challenged, only understood.
If/when she throws the ultimatum out, just say (with compassion)
"So you feel that you will end this relationship, If I do not agree to have a second child? Is that correct?"
From here it can go a lot of ways, but usually the person will become very frustrated and attempt to start an argument or walk away. You will know an incredible amount of information by how she reacts to your two questions.
If she gives a simple "yes", then just say "I understand."
When you do this, you place the full weight of those words on her shoulders. After all, we are responsible for everything we do. Interestingly, individuals do things like this and try to offload the burden onto others. When you reciprocate with any negative emotion, the weight of her words decreases. Her behavior persists, along with the conflict.
Along with this, just try to understand how she feels. Don't interpret her thoughts and feelings as you would. Try to understand them exactly as she does and feel exactly what she does. This is a disagreement that, if handled well, can create further relational intimacy, rather than destroying it. With acceptance and understanding, you can make it through just fine. What I often tell others is to just try to write a book on your partner. Don't argue or beat down her opinion and feelings, even if you are hurt by them. If she feels heard and validated, you can connect with her and then have the heart-to-heart that is necessary and would be more effective to resolve the differences. Be curious, compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, accepting and understanding.