I will not give up on my marriage even though my spouse seemingly has. We wasted six months focusing on all of the negatives and trying to figure out how we got to the point we did. I think the only way to fix things is to start to forgive and then rebuild things. Of course you don't want to make the same mistakes again but that should all be involved in the rebuilding process. I take ownership for the mistakes I made and commit to not allowing myself to repeat those mistakes. I just will always hold onto my belief that so many divorces are completely unnecessary.
I'm certainly working on myself because I know that I can't expect anyone to love me or a life together with me when I don't love where I'm at myself lately.
I made that same decision a year ago. I've actually now come to the conclusion that I can't win all fights no matter his hard I try.
I told you this because I want you to, as stated by that girl, do what you can to become the best you can be. Don't do it for your spouse or anybody else. Do it for you. You are the only one you can control.
Yes, you made mistakes in your marriage as have I and so many others. Yes, you are willing to make the necessary changes but you can't make another see their errors and want to fix them.
I'm not divorced yet, even though its been almost a year. But one thing I know is that I'm getting happier everyday with the direction I'm going and so will you. Regardless of what happens, be the best you you can be. The rest all take care of itself. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree with all the above. You and I are on very similar paths my friend! I am calling a councilor for ME today. My wife already has an appointment for herself with another councilor...not for us but her. If these things help my marriage...it would be a dream come true. If they only help me as an individual I have lost nothing and gain a better me.
We wasted six months focusing on all of the negatives and trying to figure out how we got to the point we did. I think the only way to fix things is to start to forgive and then rebuild things.
Dr. Harley, the author of His Needs, Her Needs, states that this is why so many couples fail as well as most marriage counselors. So much time is spent on the negative past, that which cannot be altered, little or no focus is put on the one thing that really matters, creating a better future.
If things are done just the opposite, spend time talking about ways to move forward, ways to have fun, ways to spend time together, ways to recreate the intimacy, things would change faster. Less time spent on bad memories and more time spent creating new and joyful ones. When that happens, it would seem the bad memories become just that - a memory.
Will this work if my H has said that he has given up trying? That its too difficult? We are still together after 18 yrs, 3 kids and a breif EA by him. Im willing to try. I love him. Hes says that he loves me but the "spark" has gone. He doesnt feel the same! IS there still hope that he will come out of this if i give him time, space and patience?
I kind of like that idea of looking towards the future instead of focusing on the negative past. What do you both want in life moving forward and do you honestly see yourself getting there together. I've obviously been thinking about my situation a lot and I think maybe two people reach a point in their marriage where neither knows what to do.
It's not only about looking towards the future. It's about taking an active part in creating a future. Go places. Do things. Enjoy life. Sitting and just talking about what you can do is not enough. You have to do.
I think in a strange way that's what my wife and many other woman who see things as hopeless are looking for. For a husband to say look I know we're in a terrible place but this is where we can get back to and this is how we can do it.
I think in a strange way that's what my wife and many other woman who see things as hopeless are looking for. For a husband to say look I know we're in a terrible place but this is where we can get back to and this is how we can do it.
Bingo! I spent a while so worried about why things got the way they did for H and I because I thought that was the only way to fix things. Finally I just stopped worrying about the why for a minute and really listened to what H was saying. He was saying that he was sorry, absolutely sure that we could fix it, completely committed to fixing it, and that he would start if I'd just give him a chance. After 20 years I felt I owed him that much, so I did, and we are well on our way to better than ever.
Bingo! I spent a while so worried about why things got the way they did for H and I because I thought that was the only way to fix things. Finally I just stopped worrying about the why for a minute and really listened to what H was saying. He was saying that he was sorry, absolutely sure that we could fix it, completely committed to fixing it, and that he would start if I'd just give him a chance. After 20 years I felt I owed him that much, so I did, and we are well on our way to better than ever.
Same here. Our mc is a big guy and he very strongly insists that all past wrongs be forgiven and forgotten unconditionally without prejudice by both partners. We're not even allowed to bring it up. Works great
You can fight all you want- I have quite a fighter spirit myself and never believe in most lost causes- but in marriage, it takes 2. You can't fight alone when the other person has totally given up.
You can fight all you want- I have quite a fighter spirit myself and never believe in most lost causes- but in marriage, it takes 2. You can't fight alone when the other person has totally given up.
Divorcebusters.com would disagree with you. They say that as long as one of you is fughting for it to work there is still a chance. Im trying to focus on this. My H says he doesnt want to try anymore so why doesnt he leave? why does he still txt me from work and hold me in his arms when he falls asleep? Why does he want to go walking with me and share things with me? We both need time to recover. There is always hope. No more talking about the past and all the negative stuff Im dealing with everyday as it comes and living in the moment.
For 17 years i had H that adored me, im sure hes still in there somewhere!
Divorcebusters.com would disagree with you. They say that as long as one of you is fughting for it to work there is still a chance. Im trying to focus on this. My H says he doesnt want to try anymore so why doesnt he leave? why does he still txt me from work and hold me in his arms when he falls asleep? Why does he want to go walking with me and share things with me? We both need time to recover. There is always hope. No more talking about the past and all the negative stuff Im dealing with everyday as it comes and living in the moment.
For 17 years i had H that adored me, im sure hes still in there somewhere!
I agree. My wife of 9 years loved me and adored me for 8 of the 9 years. I know that she is still in there somewhere and will hopefully come out again someday. Until then I am focusing on myself.
I've decided to fight to the bitter end 
Bingo! I spent a while so worried about why things got the way they did for H and I because I thought that was the only way to fix things. Finally I just stopped worrying about the why for a minute and really listened to what H was saying. He was saying that he was sorry, absolutely sure that we could fix it, completely committed to fixing it, and that he would start if I'd just give him a chance. After 20 years I felt I owed him that much, so I did, and we are well on our way to better than ever.
