Too many issues and resentment - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 06:36 AM Thread Starter
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Too many issues and resentment

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, and I have been unhappy for a little over 4 years. There have been countless issues. Things really started going downhill after our first child was born. He would never wake up or help with our son and besides going to work he would stay up all night and play video games. After a while i finally convinced him to go to MC. It was like pulling teeth and he was unwilling to do any of the excercises the therapist suggested. After a few weeks of sessions, his work schedule changed and he was uninterested in working out a new schedule. In year 3 which was about a year after our child was born he cheated with an ex. I told him we needed to go to counseling, but he wouldn't go. He seemed remorseful, but after a few weeks he went through my phone and deleted the evidence because he believed it was time for me to move on from it. Since then there has been many lies, secret bank account, and secret credit cards. He has no respect for me. I rarely get a good morning or a good night. Sometimes I talk, and he just doesn't say anything to me. Other times I try to tell him how I am feeling but he just says that it isn't a conversation and that I'm just lecturing him. Then I say I'm not trying to and ask him to give me his imput, but then he just says there is no point and walks off. Other times I bring up issues he just rolls his eyes and walks off. He regularly leaves our doors unlocked at night. He won't clean anything. We both work in the medical field and are regularly around resistant strains of bacteria. He leaves his contaminated scrubs on the floor as well as any other clothing he wears when we have a baby due in a few weeks and a toddler running around. We make abut 100k a year, but live paycheck to paycheck and I'm always worried about money. When we found out I was pregnant, about a week later he wanted to bring home a dog. I said no and that I don't want to be responsible for caring for a dog. He brought it home anyway and has not been good at taking care of it. With my increased sense of smell I spent the first 5 months of my pregnancy unable to tolerate being downstairs due to severe nausea that was worsened by the smell of dog. In March he spent over 2k on a game on google play, but I barely get basic necessities and that money could have gone towards delivery. Yet he says he's not addicted to gamind. Once again I requested counseling and told him no sex until we go to counseling, but now I have to deal with shaming for denying sex. When I told him how I'm feeling he just blew up on me and told me that he is going through enough right now and I'm not helping him (his dad died a few weeks ago). I feel horrible about the loss of his father, but I feel that I'm at the end of my rope. I requested he get counseling before his father passed away. I'm feeling so numb towards him these days. I don't want to break up our family or be a single mother, but I'm also feeling pretty sure I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. Where do I go from here?

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 06:54 AM Thread Starter
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We make about the same. I could support myself and our children, money would just be tight.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-03-2016, 07:57 AM Thread Starter
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. . .He would never wake up or help with our son . . . .he would stay up all night and play video games. After a while i finally convinced him to go to MC. It was like pulling teeth and he was unwilling to do any of the excercises the therapist suggested. . . . . In year 3 which was about a year after our child was born he cheated with an ex. I told him we needed to go to counseling, but he wouldn't go. He seemed remorseful, but after a few weeks he went through my phone and deleted the evidence because he believed it was time for me to move on from it. Since then there has been many lies, secret bank account, and secret credit cards. He has no respect for me. I rarely get a good morning or a good night. Sometimes I talk, and he just doesn't say anything to me. . . . . Other times I bring up issues he just rolls his eyes and walks off. He regularly leaves our doors unlocked at night. He won't clean anything. We both work in the medical field and are regularly around resistant strains of bacteria. He leaves his contaminated scrubs on the floor as well as any other clothing he wears when we have a baby due in a few weeks and a toddler running around. We make abut 100k a year, but live paycheck to paycheck and I'm always worried about money. When we found out I was pregnant, about a week later he wanted to bring home a dog. I said no and that I don't want to be responsible for caring for a dog. He brought it home anyway and has not been good at taking care of it. . . . In March he spent over 2k on a game on google play, but I barely get basic necessities and that money could have gone towards delivery. . . . .Where do I go from here?
I'm glad you can make enough to live on your own.

Can you start putting money away in an account of your own?

Based on what you posted, and his reluctance to go to counseling, or to talk to you---what hope is there?

It sounds like he didn't want to have kids yet.

It sounds like he isn't satisfied with his life; so he stays up all night escaping into gaming.

Now he's depressed about losing his dad.

Those are all legitimate issues. But he has to be willing to work it through with you, or go and get help.

$100K is a lot of money to be broke on; unless you live in L.A. or NYC or some such place.

I really don't know what hope there is. I'm not sure what to do. Our first child was planned and he was the one who originally suggested having a child. I was reluctant at first but came around and have no regrets about it. This second one that I'm pregnant with now was also planned and mutually agreed upon due to us wanting the first one to have a sibling and me getting older.

For the last few years I was thinking I'll just stick around, and wait for the kids to get older for me to be happy. Usually, I am very good at keeping my marital unhappiness in check and I'm capable of showing happiness in other aspects of my life. Lately, I just haven't been able to shake it. I'm angry and unhappy in every aspect of my life. Just attempting to talk to him is like pulling teeth and it hurts and infuriates me. He sees me getting frustrated, but still has no response. I can't even get clear answers to basic questions or address any issues with him at all.
In the meantime we have a baby on the way, 10 months left on our lease, and dispite my efforts I haven't been able to save much to move out anywhere. It's practically impossible to control his spending. I've been putting away little by little, but it's just not enough.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 09:12 PM
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Re: Too many issues and resentment

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I really don't know what hope there is. I'm not sure what to do. Our first child was planned and he was the one who originally suggested having a child. I was reluctant at first but came around and have no regrets about it. This second one that I'm pregnant with now was also planned and mutually agreed upon due to us wanting the first one to have a sibling and me getting older.

For the last few years I was thinking I'll just stick around, and wait for the kids to get older for me to be happy. Usually, I am very good at keeping my marital unhappiness in check and I'm capable of showing happiness in other aspects of my life. Lately, I just haven't been able to shake it. I'm angry and unhappy in every aspect of my life. Just attempting to talk to him is like pulling teeth and it hurts and infuriates me. He sees me getting frustrated, but still has no response. I can't even get clear answers to basic questions or address any issues with him at all.
In the meantime we have a baby on the way, 10 months left on our lease, and dispite my efforts I haven't been able to save much to move out anywhere. It's practically impossible to control his spending. I've been putting away little by little, but it's just not enough.
You need to leave. You can manage it financially. There is a way. He is a useless cheater!
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 09:17 PM
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Re: Too many issues and resentment

The benefit to you in this relationship is? Sounds like you have 3 kids. This guy is not a man, he is a a cheating child. Why are you staying, I mean if you had to be truly honest with yourself what would be your reason?
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 09:20 PM
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Re: Too many issues and resentment

Take your money and place it in an account in your name. Now, he doesn't have access to your money so he cannot spend it. You should have enough to move out into a rental in a very short period of time. Weeks, really. So what if nothing gets paid or the utilities get turned off just as you're moving out. That can be his problem. Maybe he can forgo playing games or buying anything to pay his bills.

Money being tight on your own is better than money being tight with an out of control spender who is either playing video games, cheating, or otherwise cluttering up your life with his bullsh!t.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 09:41 PM
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Re: Too many issues and resentment

Where do you go from here? One of two places: Divorce court. Or therapy for yourself to settle some of the things you apparently expect him to.

A lot of folks are unhappy and think if they get/force/extort their other to go to therapy, it will work out..sorta like taking them to the dentist when they have a tooth ache and are afraid to go. Unfortunately, for therpay of any kind to work, the participants have to be open to it, they need to actively participate. Not just sit there and say "Ahhh".

Also, there are times when folks are just done..and 4 years of unhappiness is not a good sign. You want him to be something he clearly cannot or will not. That's not his issue, it's yours. And no amount of therapy will change that.

You either accept it, or you don't. Which is where your own therapy is useful.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-05-2016, 11:22 PM
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Re: Too many issues and resentment

TX, sorry you are here. It cannot be easy with a young kid, one on the way and a H who seems to be so wrapped up in himself he cannot see the wood for the trees.
You need to have a plan that doesn't include him.
Do you have family or friends close by? The cheating does not seem to have been dealt with properly, you rug swept and he got off scott free and doesn't have any respect for you.
How old are you both?
You cannot change him, threaten him, cajole him, it never works. The only one you have control over is yourself so you have to work on yourself and your own circumstances, make a plan for you.


Keep putting the money away in a separate account. Perhaps seek help from any single mother organisations, womens organisations in your area.
If bills end up unpaid let them, just pay for your car, the absolute necessities.

Talk to your family or close friends and ask for their help to leave him. Get yourself some IC to keep you balanced, with all those pregnancy hormones flying around, this will not be easy.

Alternatively tell him you want a separation and ask him to move out
speak with a lawyer as to your rights, he will have to pay child support

start your life afresh, he has had many opportunities to make things right, he has cheated, he has done nothing to make things better, he doesn't help you, time to kick his ass out. It might be a wake up call for him, it might not but at least you will be able to start your life afresh, you do not need his immaturity and cheating ways dragging you down.
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