StatusQuo

That made WAY more sense in my head...

superstar5

Synthetic, I think you may be wrong... I used to think like you after things fell apart with my first marriage. Infatuation is common in a lot of relationships and that fades after 2-4 years. I think that is what I had in my first marriage, not love, I would have stayed married beyond that except he was narcissistic and intolerable. Since then I have remarried and had the blessing to be friends with the most eye opening couple. They have me and I think my husband as well questioning our marriage.

My current husband and I have been married 6 years, together for 8 and we have never had a passionate physcial relationship, even at the peak of our relationship we only had sex once, maybe twice a week. (My previous marriage we had sex 1-2 times a day so this was an adjustment). After the burn of my 1st marriage I was bitter like you towards the of the idea of being "in love" and passion and thought all passion faded after a couple years anyways so what was the big deal if my current husband and I didn't have it in the beginning. We got along great, our familys got along great, he was good to my 2 children and willing to financially support and provide for us to allow me to be home with my children. I loved him for the kind, patient, generous man he was, but I was not "in love" with him, but thats not real anyways right?

Well, over the last several years my husband and I have been spending much time with another couple that have been together 11 years, vs our 8 they act live lovebirds all the time, have sex at least once a day, always have, and act like teenagers "in love" behavior, but they are in late twenties. When they seperate for a night or weekend they are in contact and miss each other and look sad and depressed, and they have in fact often said that they could never live without each other and don't know what they would do if something happened to the other. When you see them together they have this look of adoration and passion for each other. They are the "hot" couple,not because of their physical attractiveness but because everyone can see the passion they have for each other, they have several photos that others have taken that when people see they comment "sexy" and "hot" etc to the photos. Whenever we are around them my husband acts odd and will randomly give me massages and demand me to sit by him and try to act like them and I'm like com'mon really? My husbands mimmicking them feels unnatural fakey and akward to me and to them I think, I feel the sudden awkard tension when he attempts to mimmick them and at one occation our friend told my husband to stop it, he's freaking her out. I can understand that he may be thinking what I am , that he wants what they have, and so do I.

However that is just not how we are, I accepted this and planned to stay in our marriage anyways, but fact is we have other issues. The kind, generous, patient man I married seemed to vanish and be replaced with a greedy, impatient, lazy, selfish, demanding, arrogant man with disgusting habits and behaviors at times. I have been finding it hard to like him more less love him and am completely unattracted to him most of the time and wear sweats at home all the time now and change clothes in privacy now not wanting to attract him to me. Occationally we will have a good nite and I will start to feel a little attraction, but then he will say or do something that completely wipes it out. We have now entered into the realm of a sexless marriage and he is very upset about it. Me? I could deal with it I guess, I would prefer to have a healthy sex life, but I'm not gonna initiate sex with someone that I am not physically or emotionally attracted to and he is incapable of initiating sex effectively.

My husband has joined a gym and made efforts to improve physical appearance, but this is useless for me as I was never physically attracted to him even at his peak physical appearance. It is not because he is unattractive, alot of people think hes attractive, I like his eyes, but the rest of of his features are not features I personally am physically attracted to. I was emotionally attracted to the wonderful person I thought he was, but I don't know if I was dillusional or if I have bitter resentments that distort my current vision of him, or if he has in fact changed, but I am not liking who he is now most of the time. Even when he is acting nice and patient it comes across fake to me as it is so hypacritical to his words and actions days prior that I don't buy it. I told him that his physical appearance is not the issue, that I need to connect to him emotionally, he does not get this. I think due to us having diff personality types and ways of thinking and feeling, I suggested maybe us doing something fun together would stir something up for me. Two months later we had fun nite out with the hot couple. I had a fun time, but he did not really interact with me the whole night as usual, after the nite was over he expected sex because of our prior convo 2 months ago where I suggested fun nite together might stir things up. (He missed the idea of us actually interacting and emotionally connecting though..)

When I did not initiate sex he was upset but I didnt know it until 2 days later when he woke me up in the middle of the night asking if I'd sign a prenup after 6 years of marriage. wt@? He said he wanted it because he feels I'm planning to leave him because he gave me a fun nite and I didn't initiate sex and then he asked to do something two days later fun but I chose to do something with my mother and daughter instead. Huh? I really don't get this man, but the prenup terms he wanted were rediculous, insulting, ruthless and cruel. I feel like he is in fact the one with 1 foot out the door and I'm dang near tempted to give him a good ol shove out the rest of the way and say see ya! I started making tentative plans in case of divorce, as me and my children have been financially dependant on him for 8 years and I don't currently have a job I can't afford to be blindsided by him as I have two kids to think about (they are 8 & 11, I was pregnant stay at home mom, divorcing and living with my parents when I met and dated my current husband, I tried working but I could not stand leaving my baby neglected in daycare when I had other options). My husband now says he wants therapy and to make the marriage work. Ok is this because I said no to signing a prenup after 6 marriage or does he really want to make an effort to make our marriage work? He is a lazy impatient one so I really don't see him putting the necessary effort in to connect to me emotionally and I need that to feel attracted to him. He doesnt want sex unless I am enthusiastic and initiative about it, honestly I want to feel this way, but I can't make myself feel that way. I feel he wants the impossible from me, should we even bother with therapy, or should I just walk away now for both of our sakes?

synthetic

You must have been watching me and my WALKAWAY wife

That's exactly how our relationship was until one day she just decided to walk.

Having been in a passionate relationship like you described for 11 years, I can confidently claim that it's not "normal" or "healthy" to be that way. It always leads to a downward spiral. ALWAYS.

The couple you're describing are much less infatuated with each other than it seems to you. Don't be surprised if your relationship with your husband ends up being the more healthy one.

Trust me, I know

AlmostYoung

So he was your first, you loved him enough to marry him, say he’s a good man and you still have feelings for him, yet you’re certain there is more "passion" waiting for you out there somewhere. Media indeed!

Successful, marriages are built and maintained with conscious effort, they don’t just happen by the magic of everlasting love as portrayed in the media.

If you are looking for affirmation that you should dump your husband, then you have come to the right place. If you want to actually build your marriage to one that you’ll both treasure, you will have to look outside of this forum. I suggest joining a marriage coaching system like the type Lee Baucom or Mort Fertel offers. I’m sure there are other good programs, but everything I know about these two makes sense to me. Skip traditional counseling, it’s expensive, takes a long time, and worst of all has a dismal record for actually improving relationships. You can start these programs on your own and see if your spouse is willing to join with you later. Or you can just go ahead with a divorce and embrace all the pain and costs that entails.

You can build a happy and successful marriage with your husband if you both want it. Divorce without actually working to improve your present relationship is a cop out. You owe it to yourself and your husband to work on your present marriage.

Synthetics comments are spot on.

hldnhope

Maybe 'Right' for you, BUT is he ok with this relationship the way it is, or does he want/need to feel loved/touched by someone that loves him as well???

Toffer

I agree with you and I believe that there are plenty of people who got married for the wrong reasons and some are posting in this thread.

I think that why it will be disruptive and hurt their respective spouses, they should fess up and move forward from there. They should stop treading water and allow their spouse and themselves the opportunity to get on with their lives before they meet someone else who will pull them in and cause them to hurt their spouse even more.

And, not to toot my own horn but I'd bet my life that my wife would answer the same despite some of the issues we have had in the past 26 years of marriage

ConfusedIL

I completely disagree with several things in this statement. I think being In love and being infatuated are two completely separate things. The infatuation is in the beginning of the relationship because things are new and exciting. You fall in love with the person because of who they are, how they make you feel and the life that you can see yourself having with that person. My parents were married until my father passed 6 years ago at the age of 79. They were the most in love couple I have ever known. I do think that people can be in love for a lifetime, but I think that the being In Love changes.

There is a huge difference between being in love and just loving. I love my friends, my family, but I should be IN LOVE with my husband. Which involves more trust, intimacy, understanding, etc.

lamaga

No, Synthetic, you actually do not know everything about every single couple in the world.

I know you are bitter, and I am sorry about that. But I'm pretty sure you are not omniscient.

synthetic

I'm sorry you find yourself distressed over every reply I post. So distressed to the point of sending members PMs about my level of bitterness Hate me much?!

I never claimed to know everything about every single couple in the world. I never claimed to know enough psychojargon to sound credible as you once stated.

I speak from my own experience. I even mentioned it in my reply that my reply was based on my own personal experience. The "trust me I know" part is indeed something I truly believe I know because I experienced it for 11 years and only came out of it 3 weeks ago.

Try to find some level of respect for my tone and posts. You will be going through many threads with my posts in them. Don't want you to get all angry over each one of them. It's not good for you

rks1

I have enjoyed and agreed with all of your posts in this thread so far... except this one. Lovely dovey couples do not always break up. My aunt and uncle are one example. They've been married about 40 years now, and I still see them sneaking kisses to each other once in awhile when they think no one is looking. I have lived with them for some weeks during my teenage years, and I came to realize that like most people they do argue sometimes (which I never saw when I didn't live with them). However, they do argue in a pretty healthy way, and they are still super affectionate.

Although I think that there may be cases of incompatibility where loving someone is near impossible, in most cases, I would agree that love is a choice. Often people do leave marriages far too quickly because they are looking for some type of elusive feeling, which is often lacking because that person hasn't done the work to cultivate it in the first place. Love is not always easy nor always romantic. When you see an older spouse helping their partner get up to use the toilet because that person is disabled, and standing there while the other person is farting on the commode (sorry for the graphics), you do realize that love is a choice. It's not always going to be romantic, but it can certainly be enduring if people want it to be that way.

Personally I think the best marriages have both the conscious 'love' and the 'in love' aspects, though in many cases good marriages can be sustained with the conscious choice to love alone. I'm not saying this is always easy, as I have had some struggles with this issue in my own marriage. But when things get tough, I remind myself that I made a choice to marry this man and I need to do the best I can to do my part in being a good partner to him. Of course I'm not talking about dealbreakers here (like abuse or violence or infidelity or complete financial irresponsibility without any desire to change), but barring extreme issues I think most couples can work things out if they decide to consciously love the other person. It would be great to still get an occasional butterfly in your stomach for your spouse 20 years after marriage, but I know that it would be unrealistic to expect this all the time, as that's just not going to happen when you are so used to the day-to-day aspect of living with someone.

furby19

[QUOTE=synthetic;807113]

________________________________________
No one stays in-love with their spouse forever. That's not the point of life. No one gets to be in-love all their life no matter if they're married or not.

"in-love" is the infatuation stage of the relationship and it passes.

Synthetic……I don’t agree with this at all.

Having been in a passionate relationship like you described for 11 years, I can confidently claim that it's not "normal" or "healthy" to be that way. It always leads to a downward spiral. ALWAYS.

Synthetic……This isn’t how your marriage was….or at least that is not how you described it in your January post.

Throughout our dating years, she repeatedly found herself at a dead end with me and tried to break it up. As a result of my begging, crying, promises and her own uncertainty she kept coming back but every single time this happened, I developed a slight sense of resentment and lack of trust towards her.

Synthetic….Sounds like she was faking it to make it…..This does not sound like she was being passionate towards you at all. It sounds like you were the one being passionate to keep her around.

I've loved this girl since we met and as far as financial responsibilities I have given her the dream life. She came to our marriage with pretty much nothing, worked different jobs part time, then decided to go to college and got her degree. All this while I worked my ass off to buy us a fantastic house and 2 expensive cars.

It doesn’t sound like she loved you since you met her. She kept leaving you because she felt she was in a dead end relationship, the way you stopped her from leaving was by showering her with gifts and love. When a person wants to leave they will. It may have taken her 11 years but she did what she eventually would have done if you would have allowed her to do so in the first place. Sounds like she benefited from stinging you along for 11 years and that is why she stuck with you……doesn’t sound like she was ever “in love” with you at all.

she has now left me and wants a divorce.

She thinks the death of her brother gave her the strength to leave me for good (WTF?!)

Sometimes when people experience a life altering event in their lives, it makes them realize that life is too short to waste it doing “something” that they don’t want to do. That “something” for her was you.

She says she was living a fake life that never really existed.

This, another statement that was made in one of your January posts, proves it.

She is probably involved with Cindy.

The death of her brother showed her that life is too short to live a lie. YOU are not the lie...her pretend sexuality was.

Just a thought.

This was a response from one of the posters from your January post………and I agree.

Being “in love” with a person does exist and is the #1 reason why a person would try to work out a bad marriage or any marriage for that matter. This gal was never “in love” with you in the first place. Therefore, the post about the couple knowing a loving couple who have been together for 11 years does not apply to you.

EleGirl

They sound a lot like one of my sisters and her ex-husband. They acted exactly like that.

She usually sat on his lap or right next to him.. they looked so loving. He used to whisper things in her ear. And she would smile. And of course we were all sort of jealous. Year late she told me that the things he used to whisper things like “Your hair looks terrible. Can’t you fix it?”, or “Why did you say that.. you sounds stupid.” She smiled because she was ‘making nice’, trying to cover up for how much pain she was in.

Yep they had sex every night according to her. Or rather he did. He told her that this stupid idea that women were supposed to enjoy sex and have orgasms was a product of the woman’s movement. So he never did anything for her to enjoy the sex. It was all for him, quick and demeaning.

She also said that in private he was not so loving. He was cold and distant. He had several affairs while they were married. But even in private he insisted that she sit next to him all the time.

At night after work he would come home, eat dinner and sit in front of the TV. The TV was off. And he would just sit there for hours. And he made her just sit there next to him… looking at nothing, not talking. She’s a very outgoing person who has great love for life and people. It was torture to her.

She eventually left him, after almost having a complete nervous breakdown.

There is a chance that this couple is every bit as passionate as the look. But there is a very good chance that it’s a public show.

__________________
Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


To Create A Passionate Marriage - Five Steps to Romantic Love His Needs, Her Needs Love Busters

rks1

Wow. Just wow. That's a horrific situation to be in. I'm glad your sister is out of that abusive relationship and has hopefully found a much more loving partner who brings her comfort and happiness.

furby19

@ Elegirl.....that is very creepy

Coffee Amore

Wow! That's awful. I hope she's feeling and doing better today.

Where is he today? I hope the karma bus hit him hard.