wrongguy

Well like the title says she asked for a seperation and made me leave. We have been together since 2008 and we were best friends firts. She knew i had a ex and 2 kids. But she says that I let my ex control our lives....through my kids. She said that I take baby steps dealing with my ex. So she was tired of it and asked me to leave. Like 3 days later had a call from my ex who has no idea what is going on. She asked me to take my boys on my off weekend and i said yes. I called to tell my wife and she got all mad at me. She said this is what she is talking about. I was like well I didnt think I needed to ask you since you kicked me out and said we were seperated. Well she asked me to call my ex back and tell her no. But I wanted to see them anyways and I said no. Its been one month now of us being sereperated and this SUCKS! I told her I am willing to work on things and she needs to work on things too. That we need to compromise for both of us. I told her that I need to feel more like she is ok with me making decisions about my boys and she should be ok with me having them more even if its because my ex is asking me to..... they are my kids. I dont think she gets it because she doesnt have to deal with her ex ever. She was frustrated in the begining with my ex and now she seem to take it out on me. Since being seperated she has brought up divorce 3 x now and I tell her thats not what I want. I have been trying to please her and fight for our marriage but its like she has turned very selfish. She things that if she says no to not get them on a off weekend that would be ok. And its not to me. So tonight after a argument I told her I wanted a divorce and she got all upset and started yelling..... WTF. I didnt do that to her when she told me. What am i doing wrong or should I move on with this? I feel like she is making me choose my boys or her and thats not ok. But she says our marriage comes first. I get that to a certain extent but my boys also come first.

wrongguy

Also I feel she blames me for everything that goes wrong with my ex and yet she has a interrigation style of asking me questions. But if i bring something up she says I blame her..... Im so confused!

NoIssues

1. You are not meeting her needs

2. She is blaming it on your wife and boys but its you and she and your communication problems that are the problem

3. She does not want a divorce even though she said so. thats why she got pissed. She wants you to figure it out. She does not know how to express it to you.

Here is what you need to do.

1. Tell her you want to meet for coffee to listen to suggestions how to meet her concerns about the way you handle decisions about your kids and your ex wife once and for all

2. DO NOT REPEAT tired **** you have told her before. REPEAT NOTHING that has been said before. She is fed up with that stuff. her translation is you are not listening to her. Youhave to go at it froma different angle

3. In the conversation, yu need to say you understand that she is disappointed when you allow your wife and kids to eff up plans she may have to spend quality time with you

4. you must agree to what the proper boubndaries are for each of you and for your wife and kids and then you both need to stick to them

Peace

wrongguy

You have some good ideas.... My other issue is that she wants me to show her all that she needs me to do, but she still wants to be seperated. Its been a month now and I told her for us to be a family and work on this I need to move back home so I can show her. But she just says show me first then maybe you can move back in..... I feel like she is treating me like a cheater or drug addict and I have not doing anything like that.

NoIssues

Go with it. Dont whine. You have to learn what she needs the boundaries to be. I have heard many many spouses put their kids first and it just crushes their spouses.

You cant do that. She has a vested interest in having more control with your life with her. You are letting what she sees an as outside third party junking up your plans by being a yes man to your ex wife.

She resents you for it and is POSTIVE you wont man up and deal with enforcong some boundaries. It hurts her.

Your response? Whine about the arrangement. Not good.

I understand they are your kids and all time with them is precious time. Im not saying to change that. Its a better approach that needs to be built.

You have to ask her what will work while conveying that you get it now how it hurts her she is SECOND.

She has to be first. You gotta wrap your head around that and figureout how to put here there.

If you can pull it off, she will soften way up with the kids but first she has to feel in more control and and the front of the line.

you can do it

Peace

wrongguy

Yes I know she wants boundaries, but how do you set boundaries on your ex who doesnt have to follow them? Kind of pointless and it causes problems for me and being able to talk to my kids.

Yes she does resent me for it. but I only do it for my kids not for my ex. I get more time with them and only do it when my wife and i dont have any plans. its getting to the point that i feel she is resenting me just having kids.

I hear you about the whining part. I dont agree at all. being 32 and married getting my kids every other weekend sleeping at my moms living out of duffle bags...... maybe some wouldnt mind but I do.

I honestly feel like i put her first every day of my life! But if it comes to getting my kids on off weekend or they have a bday party to go to on my weekend and we dont have plans then I feel like I should tell her and if i want to forfit my weekend so they can have fun with a bday party or me getting them on off weekend then it shouldnt be a problem.

Well I dont know if she will even soften up after I now said I want a divorce. She has some control issues I believe and others have mentioned after I have told them the issues at work.

I told her I wanted a divorce and I dont at all but at the same time I ready to come home and not live at moms any more. I am a grown up and I married I feel she should treat me as on as her spouse and as her equal

Dadof3

I'm going to be a contrarian in this situation and go "Dr Laura" on this thread:

The kids were first before your second marriage. Of course you will give them priority. Anyone marrying into a situation when kids from a prior marriage are involved ought to know that these kids will be at least as important as the marriage.

It wasn't their fault Mom & Dad got divorced. People who remarry have to know what they are getting into.

Wrongguy - Man up and tell your wife that as much as you'll miss her, the kids always be important to you and she needs to learn to deal with it if she wants to keep you. I'm not saying neglect her, just put the boundaries down that she married with the knowledge that kids are involved and she has to taker her buyer's remorse elsewhere.

Give those kids a hug!

tacoma

They`re your boundaries the Ex has to stay within them as she has no choice.

That`s what the courts are for.

wrongguy

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